Thursday, December 20, 2012

Thirty, Flirty and Bond

Honestly, I was not looking forward to this birthday, I don't think most people do either; it wasn't even so much the number as it was the surge of grays that marked plucking as no longer the quick-fix, now plucking would result in bald spots BUT despite the grays, the baby weight that won't come off and most of my siblings forgetting my birthday, it WAS THEE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!

My big day started the evening before when Tom watched Ben while I went and got a hair cut. THAT'S RIGHT Tom was home and home early enough Ben was still up; miracle #1! I got a trim/cut. My hair is funny. I get just a little taken off and it looks like I chopped a ton, when ya got wavy/curly hair that's how it rolls. I actually miss my days of long-long hair (not when it was to my butt, that was too long, but long enough I had my Gerry Hall look) Maybe one day I'll get there again but for now, its medium-long.

I got a text from Lacey at midnight giving me bday love reminding me it had technically begun. It was sweet. (I'm sure she was out late mackin' with her boyfriend at the time ;) At the time Tom and I were watching Diamonds Are Forever -Bond movie. It's kinda what we do when Tom needs to zone-out before he crashes, he throws in one of the thousand Bonds' and I fall asleep. It usually takes 2-4 nights to get through one film. (SIDE NOTE: Does anyone else TOTALLY LOVE IT when they fall asleep before their husband? There's such a feeling of reassurance and protection and comfort knowing "The Man" is staying up guarding the fort! Call me weird but I love it and I fall asleep sooo fast! Otherwise when Tom falls asleep first I have a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep.) (SIDE NOTE 2: Diamonds Are Forever SUCKS. It's thee worst Bond film. The plot is...well I would say GAY but there has to be a GAY PLOT first to BE GAY but the plot is completely nonexistent so it's...A-sexual(??) The acting is TERRIBLE; Connery doesn't even TRY, its so blatant and he looks tired and old and bored; the "Bond Girl" is the worse....wait no, she's still better than the bimbo girl in A View To A Kill... ugh ya annoying, bad-acting, brain-dead, weird-voice chick takes the cake for worse Bond girl! Also, I hate ALL of the Roger Moore Bonds. Maybe I shouldn't totally blame him but his reign producing the lamest plots buttttt for the sake of not going off for another 5 paragraphs I'll just go ahead and blame HIM, the end.

December 19th started perfect! Tom took off work from both jobs so we could do whatever including  working on of my presents! He went out in the cold, wetness and changed out my cars' headlights, not the bulbs but the entire head lights themselves actually he took out the bulbs from the brand new lamps and put in a better quality, brighter light too. Doesn't sound very romantic, I know BUT for the past few years my cars' headlights have been so foggy I've had to always use my brights just see somewhat normally. I was SOOO excited I took pictures! haha





Afterwards he gave me present #3- All the Harry Potter dvd's! I LOVE IT! Oh, present one was a great hand-held body massager I got that earlier in the week as my shoulders and neck almost always hurt- it has 100% to do with that 15 year+ headache I had and it has def come back, I really need to get some more injections, they just make all the difference. I digress...

Then we went to the mall where both Tom and Ben endured going shopping with me. I'm not a good person to go shopping with, I'm slow and picky and mythical and really I don't like to go shopping with anyone else. I like to go by myself and without being rushed. But I was torn- I NEEDED clothes AND I wanted to be with my I dragged 'em along. Ben wanted so badly to run around and just move but I think Tom held him not only for the sake of not losing him in the sea of shoppers but also to appear obvious to other's he was strictly in Victoria's Secret as the "babysitting husband" and not as a perv. lol Then we went to Olive Garden for dinner. I know not everyone loves O.G. but I'm a cheap date AND such a sucker for their soup and salad. I'm ashamed to admit how many encores of both I had...but in my defense/justification when you don't eat bread sticks and croutons your belly doesn't fill up and expand like everyone else's so ya, you can eat a LOT more. ;) Ben was super good during it too, it was miracle #2! On the way home we stopped into the library and picked up a load of movies, mostly for Ben, went home where I basically dropped off the boys and went to Old Navy as I got some much needed gift card $ from my parents! -Most days I wear Tom's jeans and his sweatshirts and basically look like a lesbian and not the pretty kind. I didn't end up getting anything there or at V.S. because I'm funny; there were too many people in VS and I was getting overwhelmed and when that happens I don't buy anything b/c I know when I DO buy in that kind of rush its not the right thing and I end up having to go back anyway later to exchange. Plus, Old Navy's jeans weren't on sale and they aren't worth 30 bucks, they're worth 20-tops so I'll wait a couple of weeks and continue looking like....well YOU know! LOL

On the way home I got to really "SEE" the difference my new headlights made. Holy cow I can't believe I got use to NOT seeing the road at night. Also, I had on my iPod and rapped along to the only Kanye West song I know AND love,  Flashing Lights, I repeating it over and over again all the way home. lol It's just catchy. -For the record I have the edited version ;)

When I walked through the door Tom asked me what I got, I told him nothing but I wasn't sad in the least! I had a perfect day! The only thing that could have made it superb was if I had magically turned back into my pre-pregnancy body but even so I wasn't feeling fatty-mc-butter-pants so it was great!

Oh and miracle #3? Ben gave me the best gift of all and FINALLY said, "mom" Won't say it on command since, of course not, but finally said it! =)

PS- When I was pregnant I gave in and let Tom show me all the Bond films. It was tough. I just DON'T like 87% of them. If the Bond is anyone other than the Daniel Craig I most likely hate it. A few weeks ago Tom and I saw Sky Mall, I mean Sky Fall and truth be told I really enjoyed it. Really! Hands down my favorite Bond. I know its because of the bad guy. He was intriguing and stole every scene...I ate it up and Tom loved that I loved it even if it meant I thought the bad guy was kinda attractive in a character way not physically (gross hair color- eww). 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Hallow-das, Oddie-das that is

Thank you Michele N. for indirectly reminding me I never posted photos from a thousand years ago, ie Halloween!

Before treat-or-treating. Ben enjoying pizza crust. I think my two guys were super into a sports game or something...the looks are intense!
Putting Ben back in his Indian Jones costume was TOO much work, especially with the rolling boulder following his and knocking him over every couple of seconds so we popped him in a tiger outfit and went to a few houses. Ben wasn't quite sure what was going on but it was cute.
Brian lives just across the street from us and visits once in awhile.

Grandma comes and babysits and is SO good with Ben!

Me without make-up. It's not a statement. It's me being lazy.
I thought I would show a little bit of what I do for work...I guess I'm THAT bored today!


Certainly not my best work but whatev.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Saturday Night Fever

In a word: busy. The past few weeks have been…BUSY. I want to call every one of you everyday but like I’ve said, I’ve been busy and when I remember I either allow myself to get distracted again or its 10pm like it is now and though I think most of you are up too, this is the time of night where I’m lucky if I can put a coherent thought together (and it’s a miracle I’m even typing ;)

Saturday started off fine. It had been a long week consisting of Tom working (5) 12 hour days and one 8 ½ day, me finding out the full-timer Portland Adidas chick had crossed over to the dark side (Nike) and thus a bunch of accounts were open for the taking. (side note: I don’t think I’ve mentioned before how I’ve been jobless since September due to major cut backs. I will say its VERY interesting that I was making MORE on unemployment than I was working but that’s b/c it was taking in account me working full time 18 months ago.) Anyway, I find out I have work again and I was getting nervous. Work makes me nervous. Merchandising sounds very glamorous but its more like EXTREMELY exhausting and physically straining, plus I had to figure out babysitting and that’s more stress; how will Ben do? Will his naps get off schedule? Am I going to be an even worse mom due to being extra stressed again? BUT I am happy this time around Ben doesn’t rely on mommy milk for food like he did a year ago and NEVER took a bottle..ahhh that was SO hard!

Okay, Saturday. It was 4:30pm. Ben and I were in Costco eating 2 sausage dogs without buns with onions and mustard and a little ketup (yep, BEN LOVES THEM). I was stressing because it was a grocery shopping day, it was our 3rd place though spread out before and after a nap but nonetheless Ben had had enough and was a pain. He wouldn’t stay in the carts seat, I rarely can keep him in that thing, and he was using our groceries to stand on in attempt to climb out of the cart itself! I had him under one arm and holding my pop with the other and trying to throw away our garbage with…a 3rd hand while keeping it away from Ben as he was trying to put his hand in the left over mustard AGAIN. While I was juggling all this a woman came up and asked if she could help (super nice) and all I could get out was, “I JUST NEED MY HUSBAND HOMES ON SATURDAYS!” I didn’t yell or anything just said it desperately. I was actually totally surprised I said it without crying! –I really think me not having my satan stick in my arm anymore is helping me!

Ben was tough on the way home too. We got home around 5:00pm. Tom wouldn’t be home for at least another hour and a half. Ben was very cranky but I didn’t put him down for a second nap because I knew he was extra cranky due to being in a car seat and grocery cart or in his crib for most of the day already. He just needed to run around the get the wiggles out and better yet ME play with him! But me being me, I started ironing. For the record I don’t like ironing, but its one of those acts of service thingies I do…bla bla bla. As I started to set up the iron and ironing board Ben was around my ankles crying, he wanted me to play and I didn’t. I was mad. I was SO mad and I was mad at Tom! Why? Because I was exhausted and tired and my wave had crashed and I needed help, I didn’t want to spend my day grocery shopping I wanted to do ANYTHING and just go somewhere without having to take 5 minutes to plan it out in between naps and snacks and whatevers. I was mad that Tom wasn’t there helping and that I hadn’t had any help with him the whole week as Tom is gone some days before Ben wakes up and gets home after he’s asleep and if he’s home it’s a few minutes in the morning with Ben and right before Ben goes down to sleep so ya I’m doing it by myself. I was glad Tom didn’t get home right then too because I think I would have exploded.

The next 2 hours felt like I heard every tick of the clock tock. When Tom called on his way home I immediately said, “I’m in a SUPER bad mood! I’m tired, Ben’s tired, he wants someone to play with him but I’ve been doing other crap that needs to get done and he won’t eat his food again, I don’t know what to do, I’m just done!” Tom answered back in his calm, reassuring voice: “Okay, I’m coming home as fast as I can.”

When he walked through the doors he came right over to me (after he picked up Ben who ran to him and hugged his legs, I mean how cute is that?) As he got closer to me I said, “No I’m in such bad mood I don’t even want you to touch me!” He still came closer and put his arms around me and said, “I’m here.” I started to unload.
“I just wanted to go out to dinner but now its too late and its Ben’s bedtime and he’s really tired. And I’m hungry and frustrated and I’m mad at you though its not like I’m REALLY mad at you. I don’t want to change places with you and work like a dog and go to school. I just want to get out and not be home like you do.” Tom replied, “I know… what can I do? What would you like for dinner?”
“I don’t know!” I barked back though I KNEW what I wanted.
“Do you want your Carl’s Jr’s burger you love?” (Gac bacon $6 burger in a wrap WITH halopinos added)
“Do you want mozzarella sticks from Arby’s?”
“Do you want Olive Garden’s salad?”
“NO” (yes)
“Well I do but Ben’s not going to tolerate a restaurant. Maybe carry out Apple Bee’s?” (like I needed to ask)
“You got it, do you want me to go get it or go together?”
We got in the car. It was dark and raining hard, my favorite. I didn’t say anything, just cried. Tom reached over and held my hand. After a few minutes I started talking and just unloading feeling better by the minute. I mentioned I wanted Pecan pie and he said, “you got it!”

When we got the apple bee’s carry out I dug in right away and then I really started feeling better, not knowing how hungry I really was. Tom drove to a pie shop but they were out of pecan so he drove over to Safeway and got one including my favorite kind of flavored water, diet dp and chocolate milk.
We got home and put Ben down. I sang him extra songs, feeling guilty for not playing with him and dragging him all over down the whole day- the whole time he was looking at me or planting his face in my shoulder and cooing along to the familiar songs with the occasional leaning in and kissing me.
When I had finished putting him down I came out to find an extra large slice of diabetes heaven aka Pecan Awesome Pie wanting for me! I cuddled up to my love and thanked him over and over again for the best date! It really was.

Really, it wasn’t the pie or the spinach dip or diet cherry dp he got me, it wasn’t even how sincerely quick he was about doing all of it that really touched me. What meant the most was my wave had crashed but I wasn’t the only one tired and frustrated and tapped out. I knew he was too. There are times my wave crashes at the same time Tom needs his cave time and I sacrifice my needing to be needy until he’s had his time out first- those times are SO hard! But more than not its him who waits taking his time out so he can take care of me. It sounds easy but I know it can’t be…please I know HOW needy and pathetic I get! Lol

After watching some The Office and Park & Recreation dvd style we went to bed. I heard Ben crying a bit but it was different then a typical tossing and turning crying so I went in to check it out. He was restless and upset and hot, VERY hot. He had never had a fever like this before, he had never been any sick before. The closest he’s ever gotten is when he gets shots, they make him ill for the rest of the day and that’s a about it. I gave him medicine to cut the fever but he was so upset and wouldn’t hold still, he just didn’t know what to do either =(

Tom gave him a blessing and he soon went back to sleep. He woke up several more times through out the night and by morning we were all wiped out and totally missed church. He’s still a little sick. I can tell he has a sore throat and his runny nose has begun producing the yellow/green last part of the cold nasty. He has eaten so little the past few days I have no idea how he hasn’t lost major weight!? Thank goodness he’s still been drinking milk/chocolate milk!
I’ve worked every day so far this week and I’ll work again Friday. I really will only work 4 days a month and I just scheduled everything in one week for convince (won’t do that again) I hurt everywhere!

POLITICAL MOMENT: I honestly want to section off America. Seriously. Civil-war it out. But it can’t be North/South…its been done. And it can’t be West Coast/East Coast, that’s gangish. So…maybe Northwest/Southeast?  I asked Tom if its okay I feel this way and he doesn’t think its good- we’re America, we’re united. But we’re not “united” I’m freaked out. Everything EVERRRRRYYYYYTTTTHHHHIIIIIIINNNNGGGG I’m so fiscally, morally, ethically, socially outraged about is only getting worse with the promise its going to keep getting worse! I don’t want a socialist government. So I want you people over there and we people over here! Have your government there and we’ll have ours or I should say LACK OF! I know it would only be a matter of minutes before people started digging under our walls to get in to our side and be freed from taxes and political bondage. 

Sunday, November 4, 2012


A few weeks ago I was talking with someone who just had their umpteen baby and I asked how the labor went and she said:
"Really good actually, he/she was natural like the first so only this one and (blank) wasn't natural!"
And I answered back, "What? I didn't know you had a c-section with (blank)?"
"Oh No, I meant I didn't need or use drugs."
"Ohhh gotcha."
At the time I didn't think anything about it but later when I recalled it I CHOSE to let me get in my "pain wound".
I'm sorry, did you or did you NOT have a baby get pushed out your yoo-hoo, or va-jay-jay, your whatever you wanna call it, place? If YOU did you had he/she NATURAL! Period.
Whether or not you used the miracle of drugs does not take away the fact that the baby came out by natural means: the natural, traditional, purposeful exit. YES, this subject DOES get me heated up quite a bit!
On a few difficult levels. Do I think women who have had babies without drugs are incredible? absolutely but unless pain level can be 100% transferable and relatable to another, pain is subjective. Thus, what is a 3 to someone could be a 7 to another.
For example, I have an aunt who had 5 kids, all every short labors and births, like less than 2 hours all together and for her she said they hurt but not exhausted was fine and ready to go home soon after. Than there are women who will labored steady for days and only upon extreme violent measures finally dialated to a ten and after recalled thinking they were completely convinced they WERE dying, there was no surviving the child birth.
I think women who had babies without drugs simply because they weren't available are amazing. I think women who chose not to use drugs to "have an authentic experience," are truly diluted if not secretly hiding their agenda of boasting later. It's insulting and a good way to lose respect.
I guess my point is this: IF you have a high pain tolerance, which again there is no way to objectively prove it but for conversations sack, if you have that super hero power that's awesome, truly, but please no one's going to give you a metal and its mean to throw it in peoples faces, and DO NOT USE THE THE TERM "NATURAL" to describe your super powers! Can I get a Amen?
Okay I'm going down off my soap box...  (I feel better :)

Monday, October 22, 2012

It's Raining, It's Pouring, It's Beautiful

I’m trying to think of what’s new to tell and really nothing is new. Maybe that’s a good thing? I know this election has been driving my IBS nuts-o. I simply can’t handle it anymore. It’s not “negative adds” some people complain about that annoys me it’s the nervousness of it all. The cramps that come from every channel telling me the “latest polls” which I think are bogus; the bubbling of stomach pressure after eating like mad and pacing the floor while the “non-biased commentator” clearly feeds a candidate his lines and wondering IS EVERYONE else seeing/hearing this? And HOPING America does but then when the debates’ over its immediately obvious that nope… media continues to ignore it and takes Americans for saps. I just want the conclusion NOW. Kinda like the nervousness of waiting to find out how many people and WHO Voltimort ends up killing before he’s destroyed before watching the last movie (or reading the last book if you’re someone who reads, which I don’t).

It’s really quite weird that November is NEXT week. It’s really…gosh what’s my feeling on it? Humm I like it! And taken-back that its HERE! I got Ben’s Halloween outfit mostly put together I think I’m just a little stuck on the jacket BUT I think its gonna be awesome. It’s not from anything I’ve seen or heard of but from my own imagination. I remember Bek saying, oh gosh, YEARS ago how she could see especially me having so much fun dressing up my kids for Halloween and I was like umm ok sure..? But Ya, she was right (yet again) it has been pretty fun. I enjoyed last years 45 min before going to the ward party and thinking ok I have no costume, zero money, what the crap should I do? Then it hit me, oh dah he’s baby Harry Potter and I’ll go as Hagrid and we did and got a TON of compliments, there was only one woman who didn’t get it but she admitted she’d only seen one of the movies years ago and didn’t remember anything expect it was “too violent” oh and she was like 90 years old and asked if it was okay that I was cross-dressing. Haha

I’ll put up pictures after Friday (that’s when I’ll be taking him to Tom’s kid work party and prob the ward party day too) I predict now that Ben won’t hold on to his candy bucket and upon receiving a treat will take it out of his bucket and throw it. And really I think the biggest challenge will be keeping his costume on him and not letting him take it all off! I mean please…

It’s funny the thought of candy does nothing for me. Seriously. I love me some peanut M&M’s now and again but I haven’t had any for a quite some time and they still don’t sound all that exciting. Woo hoo! HOWEVER, Lacey did come stay with me for a few days last week and brough ice cream with her….DANG her! Lol My latest food kick I’ve been on (WHICH I’m happy I’m ON one!) has been BLT’s I have a big ‘ol lettuce bed SLATHERED with a pretty awesome amount of Mayo (really I don’t want to say how much but it’s quite fantastic) and a LOT of bacon (on the too-cooked side which I like) and a few slices of tomatoes which I’m NOT suppose to be eating but…I AM! I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned in my last blog but I’m supposed to be on meats and fats only diet, no veggies. I haven’t been very good at it. I think variation is the toughest part of living as strict as I do. I often become easily irritated when I hear complaining about other “dieting restrictions” when they are sooo easy. But it all comes back and down to my fairness issue getting poked at and Tom helps remind me (yet again) to not compare and try to concentrate on what I have. In fact, I came across one of those World Traveler shows showing life ANYWHERE but the US and wow… it’s not like I haven’t seen any of those striking, unimaginable realties many times before but come on!!!! How can it not stop ya right in your tracks and make you IMMEDIATELY think…ya MY problems are NOT problems! Starvation, exposure, flooding, droughts, no readily available doctors, medicines, hospitals, vaccines, I don’t face thousands of years-long civil war, sex trade, no one’s threatening my personal life due to my gender, race, religion, I have access to education, free enterprise, so many freedoms and rights/rites.    

With that said, I have a doctors appointment next week and I can’t tell you HOW ready I am for it! Among other check-up things I am going to get this bloody B.C. out of my body. Detesting birth control is nothing new nor are the known effects it has on me but this year long experiment is SO over! NOOOOooo I’m not trying to get pregnant. I still need time to get back to normal mentally and a second baby still freaks me out THOUGH the idea of having a little girl IS appealing. I am worried of going through another 9 months of morning sickness, gaining another Lindsay Lohan WITHOUT fully losing the one I still have, and now afraid more than EVER about going through labor!!!! Oh and I want to have the full experience of excitement and longing first!   

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Gazelle Intense

In a nutshell: We moved.

In the novel version: We needed a bigger place. There was no getting around it. Living a year in the same bedroom with a baby proved TOUGH! But even if the apartment was a two bedroom I needed a change! I KNOW! Me? Wanting, actually seeking out change??? Yep.

Tom and I started VERY early looking for a new place. Our lease expired (expires) September 20th and we started packing back in March. OH YEAH we were ready! So we began the search in our own neighborhood but prices were/are pretty ridiculous. For instance, if we were to sign another year lease at our 1 bedroom rent was jumping about a hundred dollar and at the same complex a 2 bedroom was looking at two hundred more (not including water, sewer, trash, etc) so really three hundred more!

Tom and I looked all around the Portland area, which is pretty big for all those not familiar. We even looked into the possibility of buying a foreclosure that cost just a little more than my bachelors; the mortgage was the price of renting. I have to admit, I got excited! Really? Could we really make it work? HAVE A PLACE THAT’S OURS?! We can paint and really set some roots down! But when we wrote down a rough estimate of mortgage payment, property taxes divided into monthly chunks, then added the normal monthly expenses: groceries, gas, utilities, cell phones, etc, etc. all of a sudden buying, even a place that was SO cheap, was NOT a good idea!

I was bummed. Not so bummed I couldn’t get out of bed and constantly crying, nay, more like, “AH its not fair!” It’s like when you’re single and everyone you know is married or like in 1999 when interest rates on Hondas were 0% for 4 years and I SWEAR every senior in my high school had a brand new flippin car! (side note: to this day it’s the reason I HATE, HHHAAATTTEEE Hondas. Are they well made cars? Sure but I still hate them.)

I wanted to pout. “Everyone has a house but us!” Lol actually I wasn’t THAT upset but it’s making for a better blog! Shortly after I was listening to Dave Ramsey, which was a miracle in its self since I almost never get to listen to my favorite radio people: Rush is on when Ben’s taking his morning nap and the radio is in the bedroom. Dr. Laura is on that special HD radio or whatever its called that costs a couple trillion dollar thus I am not able to listen to her and Dave is on when Ben’s in bed and again…the radio is in the bedroom. But I must have turned it on while getting Ben ready for bed because a caller came on and it was totally exactly what I would have called-in to ask! The chick was saying how she and her husband were SUPER intense with the program and had been for a couple years but were finding themselves in a bit of a pit as they were working hard but it would still be several years until they were out of debt let alone until they could save up for a huge down payment on a home, etc. She needed some advice/encouragement! Dave answered back that while they were having a “poor me moment” to look back and recognize not only how much they had paid off in the time they started the program but also acknowledge how much they saved themselves by not getting into further debt/bad situation. Also, and probably most importantly, to stop comparing what other’s have because for the most part what other’s “have” is debt up to their eye balls; thus, was she (I) really envious of the grass on the other side? It was exactly what I needed to hear. Of course it’s not SO different from what I need to hear often. I wonder how many times Bek has lovingly and strongly tried to slap that envying streak from my perspective?!

Anyway, that whole bank foreclosure place was a great experience but it wasn’t the last! So we kept on looking. And funny enough we looked into my old apartment complex I lived at for 4.5 years with my roommate Kristin and then Emily and then Tom. We moved out because it was a two bedroom and though rent was reasonable it was too much for our “living on beans and rice budget” we moved and I was WELL aware that IF I were to try to come back we’d be looked at as “making too much” as the complex is section 42, 8 housing. Nonetheless we tried. And here’s the reason I’m even bringing this up! Yes, we did “make too much” to be allowed to live there and because I was super curious I asked, “So if I were to quit my job today (which would get rid of the income we were over) could we live there?” The answer: Yes. I also asked, again because I was SO curious, “IF I were instead not quit my job but get pregnant, would we qualify?” Answer, “Yes.” I wanted to barf.

I was upset. WAY more upset than the possibility of buying not working out. It’s the HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING, CORRUPT system. It’s SO disturbing how its designed, actually structured to keep people enslaved to it. It’s not motivating, or proactive. I understand how you could be turned down if you DIDN’T make enough for some places, that’s helping people to NOT get into a situation (oh wait…that happened, stupid Clinton administration FORCING banks to approve low-income persons into mortgages they were NEVER going to afford) but denying people housing because they make too much? That’s messed up!

During the last several months every time I looked up apartments I would see adds for a particular complex and every time I looked at it I dismissed it immediately. Tom and I even drove by it once but I didn’t even get out of the car. “No! This is NOT the place, it doesn’t feel right. It looks gross and dumpy, I hate it.” Maybe I should have just come out and said EXACTLY how I felt! Lol
We had honestly looked EVERYWHERE and had stopped counting places I personally went to- after 13, it way beyond ridiculous. I was tired, we both were and stressed-out and frustrated. Finally, Tom called on his way home from work right before our trip to SD, “I keep seeing adds for that place you REALLY don’t like, I’m gonna make an appointment to check it out.” I think my response was something like, “UGH FINNNNEeeeee.”

The next morning we did a walk through.  I admitted it WAS the nicest place we’d seen so far IN OUR BUDGET. Tom loved it. He was full on ready to hand ‘em over our application papers and fees and call it good. I wasn’t. I told Tom I had to drive to Salem and would think about it driving down and back and would have an answer that afternoon. How did it turn out? On my way back into Pdx I stopped at not 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 places but 5 more complexes! At the fifth place I thought I was totally settled to call THAT place home! It was bigger, bigger by 130sqft. It had a storage closet outside that was walk-in and HUGE! We could bring in our own washer and dryer and not have any hassles! The dining room was BIG enough for our table, chairs AND Ben’s high chair! Our bedroom was GIGAINTIC and included a second bathroom! And the place was ONLY $60 more a month than his place. It was SUCH a deal! I called Tom and was like, “I found the place I like!” Tom was less than enthused as I thought he would be. I mean come on only $60 bucks more and we wouldn’t have any of the issues the place he liked had. He told me it was up to me, whatever I decided/wanted he would agree with. I got off the phone and took a deep breath. I looked at each places’ floor plans with the monthly rent side by side. Though we were flying out the next morning and had no time to waste I sat there for what seemed like a LONG time. I looked at the place I liked, This is it! But….why does it feel weird? And Tom’s place? Why do I hate it so much? AHHHH I closed my eyes and said a prayer. And the memory of the foreclosure came into my head, specifically the reason WHY we didn’t go after it. I thought about the Dave caller. I thought about the last few years we’d been through and the reason we are going through them. And then I thought about our future. I thought about what “living like no one else NOW so later we can LIVE like no one else” means. I knew it meant: $60 a month = $720 a year or = $1440 for 2 years. It means sacrificing comfort and PRIDE. I called Tom a little later, “I turned in our applications to your place with our app fees and deposit.”

We got the keys to our new place on the 7th – it was the latest the complex would hold it for us though he didn’t need it until the 20th. So for the first week I came over with Ben and dropped off as much as I could WITH Ben clinging to my leg screaming if I walked 2 feet away from him. I did NOT like our new place but I didn’t feel like we made a mistake either. On Saturday we moved everything over, in fact it took exactly 1 hour to load and unload the moving truck! We had great helpers =)

Tom immediately went to work on setting up the crib then our bed while I took care of getting the necessities put in their new place. It was later that evening when I had a change of heart.
IT WAS THE SHOWER. It’s awesome. It doesn’t look any different from any other shower but it FEELS like you are in a nice hotel shower. I’m funny, I know! I LOVE taking showers in new places AS LONG AS the shower is clean. The water is super hot, the water pressure is perfect and it’s way roomy- I just want to take 3 showers a day! Then that night Ben slept in his own room. He didn’t fuss at all. I think HE was wanting him own room just as much.

The apartment has windows on both ends not just on one wall so we get a great cross breeze PLUS we are on the second floor and high enough that it would be pretty hard to climb up the balcony so we leave the sliding down open all night and don’t worry a bit. We have LOTS of light, we are higher up on the hill so our cable leaf thingy we got for Christmas picks up 30 channels inside of 1 and all for free! We have a nice big living room enough to do Pilates if I ever feel like it…

It reminds me to be grateful. That even though the fridge is short and small WE HAVE A FRIDGE. And even though the place looks junky on the outside we HAVE a place in a nice part of town with nice carpet and so far nice neighbors. And though we’ve only moved less than 1/3 of a mile up the hill it means a new ward BUT it means new people and friends, etc.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Splender in the Grass

Tom, Ben and I were privileged to fly out to South Dakota (thanks to Tom’s parents!) last week. It was Ben’s and my first visits to Tornado Alley, the Midwest, America’s Breadbasket, and whatever else it’s referred to.
The trip was the Bermuda Triangle of events! Tom’s baby sister Erika was sealed to her husband Chris in the Bismarck, N.D. Temple, Tom’s other sister Charity had a new baby blessed as well as a daughter baptized. And because everything is so spread out in the Midwest it meant a LOT of driving; I estimated we spent 16.5-17 hours driving. Needless to say having a toddler in a car/car seat for even half that length is brutal…BRUTAL!!! :

Some of the highlights: (Not in any particular order)
1.     Possibly my BIGGEST priority I was looking forward to was going through Tom’s family albums so I could FINALLY see what he looked like as a baby, a kid, etc. Before the trip I had seen literally only TWO photos, his newborn hospital picture and his Kindergarten photo… For the record I am a BIG photo album looker-lover. I don’t even care if I don’t know the people I’m looking at, I simply LOVE and super enjoy getting to know people and feeling their emotions through photos! =) But this was a special treat since I SO wanted to experience that same awesomeness with my hubbies moments. Unfortunately, with the very limited amount of time to do this I only got through one photo album; birth through about 3 years old. AND I have to say Ben looks amazingly like Tom! It’s been difficult for me to see Tom in Ben at all, when I look at Ben I see, well, BEN or I see my side and the closest to Tom I ever see are the nephews on his side coming through. But WOW people! Tom as toddler is Ben now. That was possibly my favorite moment! I look forward to our next trip out whenever that will be to see more pictures.

2.     Gosh okay this actually might be my favorite moment! Saturday was the longest stretch of driving going 3.5 hours one way to Bismarck not including pit stops. So by the time we drove back that evening Ben was exhausted, HECK I WAS EXHAUSTED, especially since there was a good 20 minute period where he was uncontrollably screaming, red-faced, gasping for breath, fighting, and nothing I did would calm him down including taking his out of his seat and holding him in my arms, which I did many times throughout our journeying. (Judge me all you want people, until you’ve lived it you REALLY have NO clue how hard and long a baby can scream especially when you are sitting there in their view- it only encourages them more.) Anyway, when we returned to Aberdeen, SD our first stop was the hotel where Tom’s parents where staying and while they went in their rooms freshening up, Tom and I let Ben go wild in the large grassy area outside. He was in heaven. It was like the last 10 hours hadn’t happened. It was the only time I had my camera close at hand and we were able to take photos proving we ever visited. Thus, the pictures included in this blog that you’ve seen on FB.

3.     I always knew Tom was good with kids, especially with his niece and nephews when they came out for our wedding but I got to see it again this trip. Whereas I get worn but by kids in ohhh about 10 minutes I saw Tom HAPPILY play and keep them entertained for a few hours; that’s right HOURS! In fact, I got my nose in a huff a little about it! “We finally have time together and he’s playing with the OTHER kids over his own kid!” But I never got too upset, those kids love their Uncle Tom they see at most once a year and though Tom only sees Ben in the mornings before work and most of Sundays only I can’t wait for Ben to get bigger because it’s Tom’s favorite stage- when they CAN play back. =) Loving babies comes easy to me, of course, they are so sweet and small and helpless and you don’t mind changing their yeasty diapers and you don’t care if they spit up, but kids……kids are WORK! They talk and talk and argue and don’t understand reason and truly, I don’t have patience. I fully admit it. So all together it was a good reminder how Tom’s enthusiasm for playing with kids is not only adorable but will be my lifesaver in the future!

It was a treat to see Tom’s family including grandparents on both his sides, and his super sweet Aunt Terry, an uncle, etc. I really did luck-out in the in-law department! (What a weird expression, wouldn’t luck-out mean a bad thing? Like how striking-out is bad???)

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Walker, Carpet Ranger

We've got a walker. Well he's been walking for a few weeks now actually but this is me finally blogging about it. Ben's still very much Ben- laughs and smiles at EVERYONE! It's pretty awesome to have this little Mr. Concernicus who always have this "in deep, analytical thinking face" but quickly and generously gives adorable dimpled smiles to any one anywhere. I feel really proud to have such a friendly, loving baby (like I had anything to do with it).

Ben's eating is still very typical him too. He's finally open to most pureed foods but isn't taking to solids very well. I try to not stress about it and just take it as this is what he's slow at. He does still love cheddar cheese, some cinnamon rolls (only when they are fresh out of the oven NOT any older) and only likes to drink water- hates milk, OJ, apple juice, etc. just fine with me, I really don't like the idea of sugar drinks anyway.

Breastfeeding ended officially ended 4 days ago too and its awesome. I mean I do like that sweet bonding time but he's really and so were my boobs ;) He has FINALLY been sleeping through the night, as in 12 hours! Its happened a handful of times now and a few in a row, then a few rough times in a row and then back to awesome nights all slowly pointing (fingers crossed) to the norm being 12 hrs nights indefinitely.

We're moving the middle of next month and like anyone knows its been a PAIN! We checked out over 12 different places and funny enough we think we might be going back to our old place! NOT the same apartment but same location. However, we are waiting to hear back if that will even work out b/c.....get this....."we make too much money" WAHHH haha. Not even close people. In a nutshell its one of those situations where we are too rich for section 8, 42 housing but everything else is super out of the question. Long story short, we found a foreclosed property a few weeks ago going for NOTHING people but after we considered property taxes, normal expenses, etc. it cost well over a third of our take home which is OUT of the question but we weren't too bummed, it reminded us in a positive way we are still on the path we feel good about! :D

The fall is right around the corner...isn't that INSANE??? Tom will be in school again meaning we'll basically see him on on Sundays only well...he's now in Elder Quorum so maybe not even Sundays but like everything else I'm happy for our situation, I wish we were through this stage already BUT I'm grateful for it. Just a couple days ago I had thee worst wave crash in the history of J.D.Clark and while it sucked so bad it was a beautiful reminder to me how loved and taken care of I am by the world's most patient and ever-so-quick to make his woman happy- man!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

2 Years, 2 Steps, 1 Word

Anniversaries are pretty cool. Whether its our wedding anniversary, day we met, first kiss, whatever- they’re fun! Tuesday was Tom’s and mine 2nd anniversary, pretty cute, huh?! Though I feel I’ve known Tom forever I feel like we’ve been married for a couple weeks and yes I mean that in the best way! =)

We began celebrating the week prior by FINALLY going to Temple together. It was wonderful, we hadn’t been able to go since November which is especially ridiculous when we live 10 minutes away! Tom had that night off from Apple so we got a sitter and didn’t let anything stop us!
July 17th started off awesome! Tom made breakfast. I was craving biscuits and gravy (my favorite breakfast of all time) but of course I don’t eat that yummy stuff and instead he made my typical go-to: bacon and cheesy-eggs-with-salsa oh and a diet cherry dp to help get the AM pills down. –I don’t know how people take pills with water, it’s just not smooth enough for me.
Then he put on our song, “Try A Little Tenderness” –sung by Michael Buble and danced while Ben watched.

After we got showered Tom drove us to Mt. Tabor. It’s funny since Tom and I have been reading the Old Testament I now know Mt. Tabor is biblical reference! Anyway, Mt. Tabor is this quiet, beautiful park that overlooks Portland and has a couple water reservoirs or water treatment plants or whatever the bodies of water are for- they’re pretty!

I remember the first time Tom took me there, I remember we weren’t officially dating, I remember it was a hot summer’s evening, sun was getting low and shooting all hues of fuchsia, magenta, and green across the sky. I can NOT for the life of me remember his exact words during that first walk but it was something along the lines of how much he loved who he was being with me and how he’d never known anyone so good and approachable. I know I felt the same.
It had been over a year since the last time we visited our favorite spot and obviously Ben’s first time, it was nice.

We came home so Ben could nap, Tom and I even dozed off for a few watching Man VS. Wild (its our latest library rental craze we’re into).

After Ben got fed, changed, watered, etc. we did more running around including walking around the mall doing some window shopping (but not too much, its just depressing seeing and WANTING everything- you know?) and picking up some baby food. We were totally planning on taking Ben with us to dinner that evening but by the time 6pm came around and he had had little if any floor time and instead in a car seat, stroller, highchair, crib all day I was scared of what dinner in a restraunt was gonna look and sound like! I suggested we try going another night (fully knowing this night worked BECAUSE Tom had requested it off months ago from both jobs- later doesn’t happen) and just pick up a pizza or something but Tom said, “Nope, we are going out!”

Here’s the story about California Pizza Kitchen: It’s the place Tom took me to on our first date. It was the greatest date ever, possibly only rivaled by the night we got engaged; I say possibly because I kept forgetting I WAS on a date! I was so relaxed and just having fun talking, I didn’t feel like I had to work at thinking of something witty and clever to say or worry that I was talking too much or not sounding smart, etc, I simply had a GREAT time sitting across from him thinking, wow this is so nice, and he’s so fun, and funny and interesting! So here’s where it gets funny, the waitress comes over and asked, “is this all gonna be on one check or separate?” I looked at Tom, who hesitated, I really have no idea if it was a genuine 2-mississippi pause or a half Mississippi, I just know I am SUPER weird about money and took his “hesitation” as he couldn’t afford to pay for me- probably b/c I was/had been broke for SO long that I assumed he was too. Anyway, I answered the waitress, “we can do separate.” Tom said, “you sure?” Which only confirmed my suspicions in my mind since he didn’t insist, then the waitress loudly jerked, “Ah goin’ stage!” I’m pretty sure I wanted to drop-kick her.

Anyway, with all of our on-again, off-again and finally officially ON, courtship, engagement, etc., we never went back. In fact, it was kinda a slightly sensitive subject, sensitive like a 4 on a scale of 1-10 because I didn’t want to consider it our FIRST date when I paid for myself! Haha but come on, it WAS an awesome date despite so I’ve let it go.

So here we were, Ben’s to his limit of patience, Tom and I want to make this sweet return to FULLY rectify our first date mishap but not sure what to do. I texted Ash. She texted right back (NOTE: THANK YOU for being such a FANTASTIC texter-backer-quickly-person along with being a REALLY good go-to person!!!!) Ash came over and we went out, I even wore heels!
We sat in the booth across from our original spot- it was symbolic! Lol We had a good dinner, nothing fancy, I had a salad (surprise) and Tom had a pizza.

We talked, funny enough, about our ex’s for awhile, lol I know –weird but it was fun, then we talked about our 5 year plan, consisting of: getting out of debt completely, getting Tom through school AND if POSSIBLE getting into a house, which we then talked about how its gonna be frustrating working so hard to pay off 66K only to get into a mortgage for more??? UGH.

On our way home, Tom being Tom asked the question we’ve asked each other often since we were dating -how is he was doing as a husband and father and for me to give it to him straight even if its hard to hear. My HONEST reply? I didn’t want him to change ANYTHING he’s doing. He still comes through the door with a smile for me no matter how late it is, how many hours he’s worked, even if he’s stressed and needs major cave time, asking what he can do to make my life easier, just holds me when I’m having a tough day, week, month, whatever, insists he thinks my body is super hot even with my extra chub, works incredibly hard for me and Ben AND he’s SO flippin’ good with Ben. I remember a particular day when I was huge and pregnant, we were barely getting by and living on faith and I asked Tom, “So do you think the honeymoon stage is over?” Tom turned to me, smiled and said, “not even close!” It was just a month ago I was having a really bad day, actually it was more like REALLY hard few days, I called/texted about everyone in my phonebook but no one returned my call or even texted back and Ash was out of town. By the end of the umpteenth day I was miss crazy and I was sure I had worn out Tom, treating him like a girlfriend. After another big sob episode I looked up and asked, “Why do you think none of my friends are calling me back? I don’t think I’ve insulted anyone, not all at once at least. Is it because I’m crazy now?” Tom just shook his head and shrugged. “I’m sorry I have days like this, believe me however much its NOT fun for you, its REALLY not fun for me… Do you think the honeymoon stage of how you see me is over?” Once again he stroked my forehead, shook his head and answered, “Not even close Jess, it’s just begun.”
When we got home from our date and heard all about Ben going down in typical TIRED BABY throwing a fit way, we were sorry Ash had to deal with it and THANKFUL we didn’t take him with us! After Ash left, we checked on Ben, popped in a redbox and fell asleep soon after.
Our anniversary festivities aren’t over yet though- we are excited to go see the new Batman movie sometime next week. It will be our first movie together since Inception.  

In other news: I had chocolate on my anniversary. Peanut M&M’s and Junior Mints, specifically. Before I fell asleep watching the movie. I was a bit hesitant, I didn’t want it to cause me to go into a freak-out, in fact I could have very well not had any and been fine since I went an easy 7 painless weeks without. I wanted the test! I passed. I haven’t craved it since or missing it or anything. It doesn’t mean I haven’t had a wicked sweet tooth though- PLEASE… its been so bad I feel like I am living minute by minute some days resisting the urge to eat oatmeal raisin cookies or anything for that matter especially since I have NEEEVVVVERRR been so strict diet wise and getting nowhere, I can not express how demoralizing it is to work so hard and have no physical results! It was not like this years ago, I didn’t try half this hard and I lost quickly and it stayed off. I am super confused and am not sure what I’m missing and not sure Dr. M will have any advice for me either. Plus I re-read my diabetes books but there’s not a whole heck of a lot advice for individuals described “there are even some people who do not lose weight easily if at all even with a zero carbohydrate diet…but finding encouragement to continue the lifestyle even if it doesn’t produce weight loss” I think I’ve mentioned before I could try cutting out diet pop and cheese, after that I have nothing else to cut out. Maybe I’m not eating enough fat? I wouldn’t doubt it.

I do have ups and downs and on my down days I don’t want to eat my foods I am tired of so I simply won’t eat- of course that doesn’t help, I know. For a moment I thought cutting breast-feeding down to twice a day was helping but I think it was just a coincidence and probably water weight loss.
Tom: Got raises at both jobs- one was a HUGE raise, I think like 35% more. It's awesome and will make up for my lack of income especially since my job did major cut backs and I only work one day a month which I'm fine with. But anyway WAY TO BE AWESOME BABE!

Ben: Starting 4th of July night BEN SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT-FIRST TIME EVVVERRR! . I checked on him twice because I was conditioned to. He continued to sleep through the night for a few days but then…night #4 or 5 he woke up around midnight crying in a panic/pain way, no fever, no coughing, no tugging at his ears, etc. I gave him baby advil the second night and it helped, it helped night 3 and a few more after. I’ve asked a few people and I think Ben’s going through a growing spurt and having growing pains. I’m wondering if it is the reason for his super cranky episodes during the day too?

Ben took 2 steps by himself on July 15th. It was a fun moment! He still needs to learn to stand up without pulling himself up with something first and then the walking will come. I’m not pushing walking, it means he will that much more work sooner.

This Morning- July 23d he said his first word: Dadda. At first we thought it was a fluke but he has said it several times since! His dad was pretty proud =)

Monday, July 2, 2012

It's ALL about HIM!

I thought I would give an update and show off my adorable Baby Benjamin aka Benjamite or Bjorn-Jamin as Uncle Brian calls him =) This first video when taken 2-3 weeks ago.

Here are some cute photos

These with dad were taken in March but I love them so much I want to show them off:

 Here was just a couple weeks ago hanging with Grandma and Grandpa!

 Ok so last Sunday we went to the new visitors center that opened at the Portland Temple and Ben was given an oreo and a chocolate chip cookie (and yes it was no temptation for me) but he was given them without our permission which kinda tweeked me but not enough to do anything but complain now. Anyway, here he is loving that oreo (I threw one cookie away, 1 is enough for a 9 month old) 

And because its a Miracle of miracle I want to show Ben finally getting into food! YAY!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Young & The Restless

The last few months have been pretty tough in all aspects.

Tom has been working harder and longer hours than ever before. It's hard on all of us. I stay up until he gets home. I've NEVER been a night owl, its not a comfortable thing for me but when he's gone I'm nervous and get all dumb and think I hear burglars/rapists every few minutes (of course its only the fan blowing on the creaky doors) Last week started off with Tom getting a call at work Monday letting him know there was a visuals night THAT night at Apple sooo once he left RVKunh's he went directly to his final then went to Apple getting home at 4:45am- this means I basically stayed up that late too since I am a BIG 'OL scaredy cat and think I here all kinds of break-ins happening. Then Tom got up Tuesday went to RVK and then had another visuals night getting home at 2:45am -again along with him I didn't sleep much.

WEDNESDAY was suppose to be the day he was going to just come home after RVK buuuutttt he was asked to cover a shift sooo again no family night. Thursday was long and short at the same time. Ben and I drove out and saw Bek, she's so sick, poor lady and all the while Ben SUPER needy. Thank goodness Bek, Isla, Billy, Liam, AND especially WREN were SOOO good with him! Then on the way home he fell asleep for the first hr and then SCREAMED the last 45 min I was RACING home, you better believe it!

FRIDAY was WEIRD! I woke up very tired and feeling fine and I was in the middle of a conversation when I got an immediate on-set of cramps (note: while I have had countless periods since Ben was born I have had almost no cramps) the cramps were BAD right away, no gradual progression just BOOM bad. Then just as quickly as they started they were HORRIBLE. I was doubled-over and just trying to focus on breathing. I had nothing in my stomach and thought I NEED DRUGS GET SOMETHING IN MY GUT NOW! It took about 5 min to just get some milk I didn't get half it down when the cramps made my stomach hurt bad too- I had to go "THE BATHROOM" cramps got worse and I crawled to the bathroom. Once there the cramps turned to WORSE in fact they felt like contractions! I SWEAR they were WORSE than the WORSE contractions I had when I was in labor with Ben.
Tom took me to my doctor. Doctor didn't know what was going on- it wasn't a constipation issue, it wasn't gas, and i'm pretty darn sure it wasn't a cyst since I've had dozens and dozens and they have always been on ovary or the other this pain was directly in the middle of my uterus. Dr.'s best guess was it may have been due to my birth control, Implanon?
I was glad I was there since that DANG bc has been causing crazy, annoying, no-pattern periods since Texas. I WANT IT OUT!!! I know how flipping fertile I am but I think this stupid BC is causing more harm then good.
LONG story short: I have NEVER and I REPEAT NEVERRR been so strict diet-wise EVER! But I have not lost any more weight since the Texas trip, I HAVE lost inches for sure but the lbs aren't budging. I'm not so upset about the number as I am about what its saying about the possibilities.
I realized my bc is progesterone only kind and at the time I got it I was like ok maybe this will be better for me since I am already so full of progest., testost., and estrogen. BUT progesterone raises LDL's were as estrogen will router-balance that raise and since I'm being pumped full of MORE of it- it is a good guess why my weight isn't budging.
I am also still breastfeeding. That's a good possibility why its not moving either. I AM winging Ben, slowing, but surely.
And my thyroid is still so junked up. I go into another appt with the endocrinologist this month.
I talked and rambled all my frustrations and woo's to my Dr. and honestly, accidentally came off like "Dr. F, you don't know about diabetes and PCOS!" I didn't mean to! I was trying to say that I really feel like I'm getting sicker, my tolerances are way more sensitive- I THINK I need to be re-tested for diabetes or more so hyper-insulin-resistance. Dr. F did go ahead and have my blood drawn to check all my hormone levels while adding he isn't a fan of Atkins diet and recommends South Beach more. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my doctor! What I'm frustrated about is I thought I was being very clear that I knew/know my limitations of food/diet and then he told me to try something that will have me eat MORE than I already know I can't without raising blood sugar.
I am MORE frustrated that I don't know what the fudge to do. I feel like I am climbing a steep mountain, grudging against the wind too. But its not stopping me, I'm still pushing.
I talked all the way home. I talked for another hour and a half when we got home. I cried and talked in circles until Tom said: you sound like you are grieving, grieving the body you worked hard to get and reading/researching that due to things out of your control you may not get it back.
I accept that there are persons with insulin resistance who will not ever achieve goal weight and I am looking like I fit into that category but I am fighting it.

YESTERDAY I realized (while working) that I fight my lot because I have really believed (quietly) that IF I do what I've been doing LONG ENOUGH then I will change my make-up like DNA, everything. It's so silly.

CHOCOLATE- I haven't really wanted to talk about it for several reasons but I think I can now. It's been a month without. This is not me like every time before quitting with a count-down to when I WILL give in again, this is me for ALWAYS. Very long story short, the last month, chocolate-wise, has been the fastest EVER! =) It feels like I gave up yesterday and not a thousand years ago. I am feeling very good. I have been working at really figuring it all out and letting it go. The letting "it" go means not chocolate, not really, but my insecurities. Of course that sounds so easy, its not, I've had tons of freak-outs and needing to talk out my thoughts and feelings but not once have my insecurities brought me to the place of "plotting" how to get chocolate. I HAVE had bad sweet-tooth's lately but that's not anything new- goes with the territory with everything described above. Tom really believes there will be a day I will have chocolate and not have to have it constantly thereafter. I think so too but its not in my thinking at all now. As far as I'm concerned chocolate does not exist in the world any more. When I see it on tv or in the grocery store I honestly think EVERY TIME oh that's so sad its not here anymore, it was eliminated from off the earth!

BEN: Is so close to walking, he pushes objects across the floor while walking. He eats more and more (tho still not a TON) I'm pushing but I can't make all know! I'm winging him well he gets mommy milk before one nap and still in the middle of the night and when he wakes up- like food, he doesn't like his sissy cup. I've tried juice, watered-down juice, he does NOT like those. I made my own decision about cow so I went with it, he takes it (warm or cold) slightly more than water....
Well now I have to run him to his 9 month check-up/shots