Saturday, March 24, 2012

Goin' Nowhere FAST

Let's see what to say? Well the last few weeks have been, what's the word... not horrible, not fantastic, typical- that's it, typical.
I had a really bad flu about a month ago; the kind that you get like every 7 years and this was my 7th year. I couldn't even walk a straight line when I COULD walk. It was pathetic. I called my mom in a blur, in the bath tub with Ben in my lap and so weak it took many attempts to get out. She drove up and played with Ben, did laundry, dishes, brought me liquids and hot pads, and love.
That night when Tom was welcomed with sick all over the bathroom, I'll spare the details and just say my love cleaned it all up off the walls, floor, toilet, waste basket, etc and never made a single groan. I would have kissed him but I was half unconscious, under a mountain of blankets freezing WITH bad breath.
On Thursday I woke up sick again. NOT with a 7 year flu again but a bad cold. Thursday Ben and I slept together from 9 to noon it was a tender, sweet, heavenly blessing. Friday I wanted to do the same especially since the cold was worse but I had to go to work. So I thought, "I'll go real quick and then come home and sleep." It was a nice theory.
WORK SUCKED! You see, just a few days after I let my boss know I wanted to give up one of my 3 stores I got an email saying another of my stores was being taken away to give to someone with seniority who had lost an account and was obligated to full time work and this was the result. At first it was kinda scary, I mean, in just a few days I lost 2/3 of my income but the whole time I felt an under-lining comfort and resolve that it was meant to be; H.F wanted me home with Ben.
Fast forward I was asked to substitute and rotate the store that was taken away from me which hadn't seen a Rep in a month tho it was the 23rd, the store had a massive amount of new product, and many other branding hanging/styling changes that where very time consuming. (I just deleted 4 paragraphs of boring details so take my word for it- it was a TON of work).
How much? Mom brought Ben to me so I could nurse him at 2pm. I drove home and nursed him at 5pm LUCKILY Tom had his first Friday night off in several weeks which was going to be date night (us watching a movie at home) but he came home and I went back to work till 9pm when I came home I ate and passed out soon after.
This morning I woke up with a sorER throat, glands the size of gum balls and a bad attitude. By the time we were all showered and ready to go to the library so I could have internet and do my report, it was Ben's first nap time. I was then MORE cranky. Tom reminded me there was a baptism at 2pm while he cleaned the kitchen, made me breakfast since he recognized my level of crankiness and knew it was exacerbated by not eating, and then he ran to the auto parts store to pick up replacement brake lights out in my car, he then fixed. Ben woke up early from his nap and was cranky himself. He didn't want to play he didn't want to eat he was just tired. When he did fall back asleep I grabbed my laptop and walked out the door to go to the library but Tom stopped me and asked me to come back inside.
I was tired, sick, eating cough drops resembling nervous eaters eating popcorn during a movie, and angry. Tom held me and I fell apart. I simply wanted what is NOT simple anymore. I wanted to have a bloody Saturday of no obligations, no interruptions, no stops, just GO. Go do whatever. But it doesn't work out that way. Tom works at 6pm if not full day shift on Saturdays so it means we can't just take a day trip anywhere. Ben's nap times are so important as ANY mom, aunt, neighbor, grocery store clerk knows and more importantly as I am NOW understanding and accepting which was part of my frustrations.
I'm selfish EXCLAMATION MARK I want to do what I want to do when I want.
Time is my weak point. It's the love language I think I most want out of my most closest relationships and YET I'm a big 'ol fat hypoGRIFF (just keeping you on your toes and pluggin in a Harry Potter reference 'cause I'm a DORK) "You never want to insult a Hypogriff, it just may be the last thing you ever do," -Hagrid. Okay I'm done.
Ya- I'm double-standard because while I require/desire it but I DON'T like giving it up. Not even to Tom. (A hush falls on the audience) Not even joking. When he tells me about his dreams during the night before or what he did at the office, I'm like ya ya ya ok listen! I know. I deserve a flogging or something. Okay I'm not ALWAYS like this. I DO enjoy listening and being a good listener for Tom, Bek, Ash, Mom, etc I really do. I know I feel pushed, nay, sucked dry in the time category which is already bleak.
I'm learning a new level of sacrifice. It's not like I didn't expect it, pllleeeeaaaaasssseeee I am #2 of 5 and have nephews enough to scare anyone out of having kids. It is a new level of sacrifice because I live in a box 30 feet by 18 feet so I want to get out and do ANYTHING but understand when I DO whatever, Ben's sleep always get messed up, he's not happy, I'm rushed and then I'm not happy, which then my hubby gets to hear all about which isn't nice since he's working like a dog and doesn't need to hear about how his wife whom he's working so hard for is so bloody unhappy!
I said all this and many more physical ailments, irratations, and bad puns this afternoon while Tom patiently listened. Then he encouraged me gave me good feedback and support. Then I left for the library did my work, came home, Ben woke up, fed him, changed him, gave love, we went to 2 stores including a quick grocery stop and then it was time for Tom to leave for work.
In all, nothing has changed. I have had that saying, "No problem is so bad that whining about it won't make it better." I'm sure I've messed up a word but you know what I'm saying. It's been a motivation for me! The truth IS I don't want pity or someone to tell me how hard I have it- please. I do want to be understood but not pity. Because the truth is someone ALWAYS has it worse. There is someone somewhere who sees their awesome, hardworking husband even less who ISN'T cheating! There is someone somewhere who is sicker, who has been sicker for longer and doesn't whine about it a tenth of the amount I do! And there is someone who was fatter who had the same physical/emotional and probably mental road blocks as me but gosh dang it over came them and again with a LOT less crying, whaling and nashing of teeth too!
Okay I think I'm done with my Scarlet O'Hara moment.
In other news:

Ben's quite the mover and shaker these days. It happened within a couple days of rolling on his back to rolling from back to stomach to scooting- scooting everywhere! The best part...he scoots backwards only! =D It's pretty dang cute. You can see him get so annoyed the moment he figures out he is moving away from his toys and not closer. These are pictures I took this evening of him scooting backwards from his pad and down the hall within a couple minutes all the while being the cutest, happiest little love!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

A Beach without Sand

It feels a little weird blogging.
#1.) My issues seem so uneventful, and not far from non-life threatening compared to what I know others are going through.
#2.) Even without the above it's been a LONG month!

What's new?
Answer: Everything and nothing.
Detail #1: Ben
Ben has figured out every toy in the last 24 hours. Not sure what brain juice he took but he woke up this morning and figured out how to grab/pull on a toy to make it rattle upon letting go. Last week he figured out that instead of moving toward his toys he'd simply tug on the blanket and the toys came to him. He's even gone from being on his stomach up on hands and tip-toes and starting rocking then lunged forward. It was pretty dang awesome. Of course the whole time he was freaking out and screaming wondering why I wasn't picking him up but I saw what he was doing and let him struggle for the extra moment or two.
With the exception of tonight where he actually opened his mouth in anticipation of another bit (miracle of miracles) he doesn't like food. Not peaches, not apple sauce, not oatmeal, BUTTTTT what does he like to his mother's dismay....bread & cinnamon rolls. Yep. The little baybay is on his way to fat-kid ville if I'm not careful. -Ok really he takes in the tiniest of morsel, gets it wet and there's still more soggy bread left than eaten but not for long I'm sure. Oh and he still refuses a bottle. Its still more of a blessing so I won't complain.
I think my favorite part is that he can still fit 0-3 month clothes. I love it. I'm storing away clothes just so they won't get too worn out for next baby boy (not on the way, just down the road) ;)

Details #2.) SLEEPING
KILL ME. I don't even know if I have the energy or emotional control to talk about it and be okay without drugs.... It's been tough. My little guy has been kinda bi-polar since the moment he came out, its just a fact. 3 nights in a row will be okay- he'll wake up 4 times as normal and its tiring but do-able and then......then like 3-4 night in a row he's up every hour. I thought I got on top of it by cutting out pop and chocolate but it wasn't it. It's still happening without my dp and chocolate, with the noisy fan going, being wrapped up, putting up a blanket so he can't see us just 4 feet away, even with us holding our breath. IT SUCKS.
We're planning on tough-love sleep training. That is, we are going with the quick and sever route and letting him scream it out. We've been promised that by night three he'll be sleeping through the night. -THIS IS WHERE I'LL TAKE ALL THE ENCOURAGEMENT ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE!!!
We WERE going to bite the bullet this coming Tuesday and Wednesday but found out Tom will be doing an all nighter Thursday on top of working all day that day and the next morning AND evening sooo staying up all Wednesday isn't an option so maybe we'll try this Friday/Saturday? I'm nervous, not gonna lie. I know it would be 80000% easier if we had different bedrooms or could some how put him in the living room or something but it simply doesn't work any other way- TRUST ME! We've spent hours and hours on arrangements.

Detail #3.) Moving
A point of frustration, anxiety is where the fudge are we gonna to live next. We won't be going anywhere until the end of September when the lease is up and Ben will be 1 (ahhhhhh crazy!!!) And though we are looking half heartedly at this point our FULL hearts are dreaming, hoping, praying for a miracle! I know we definitely experienced one when we moved here. We had like just a couple of weeks until we had to move and nothing was panning out and it was scary so we fasted. In fact, we fasted on the hottest day of the summer it was difficult but the result was the Spirit lead me to call a friend who recommended a random person who led us here. As we were driving up to our current place it was right immediately! =) Now....we have our Ben, our needs have changed along with our budget.
My desire is to at least move slightly up but reality says we will be lucky if we are able to even move across. Whether up, down, sideways or purple ;) If it's right then it will be right and we'll be happy!

Details #4.) Becca Beach
Yesterday Ben and I drove to Bek's! It was his first visit to the beach though we never actually went to the beach- plllleeeaaaasssseee it's ME and BEK here! It was a nice thought but I accomplished what I went to do TALK and be TLAKED at! And I LOVED every moment!!!!! The saddest part, and I know anyone who has a BF who doesn't see or talk to them often will completely understand- when you finally are together your brain is in such overload of topics to cover that once you hit half way- everything goes fuzzy and you can't remember the rest cause you're sleep deprived, excited, been crying in out with your BF, handling interruptions every 2 minutes, etc. Conclusion? I just need to go more often!!! Even with gas prices being as gay as they are (ya I said used the word not in its "correct perspective", deal with it) I won't let it be a bigger deal than the deal of not having girl time! Plus, my husband is pretty supportive of me having girl time WITH another girl and not with him. (side note: this is where I do ANOTHER plug for "Men Are From Mars...." again) Gosh, I should get a cut from him with the amount of plugging I do!
Anyway- There were TONS of cute moments of Bek, Billy, Bek's kids with Ben and the only time I grabbed my camera was here!

Details #5.) Prayer
I've been struggling, wait, I've been CHOOSING to struggle with food a lot lately. It's not so much I want to or am even pigging out- that's not my problem. It's more with the weirdness of NOT ever being able to figure out what I want to eat, what sounds even half good to eat. When I say its totally like Morning sickness, IT IS. So I won't eat until something gets in my head and sounds good on my palette. But what ends up happening, wait, what I have been CHOOSING to do is waiting until I'm so hungry I CHOOSE to eat stuff I normally don't touch even on a holiday and I'm so frustrated, scared angry cause while the food tastes fine, its not good enough to feel gross, dumb about. I know that what it really comes down to is what it has ALWAYS come down to. I still fight my lot. I HAVE been in a good place about it and I want to get back there. I want it, it was sooooo relieving and I wasn't sulking or pathetic. I accepted what WAS/IS. I honestly feel what I need is more ernest prayer. This is my thing that obviously Heavenly Father knows I can get through and get through well. I may have missed the boat on enduring well part but I still have a great chance on defeating it. I know it takes daily decision making, planning ahead but more than anything ernest, sincere prayer.