Thursday, September 22, 2011

Hot Boobs

Don't be too alarmed, this isn't some GRAPHIC blog about my breasts! Okay it is, come on you all know ME!
I have HOT boobs. Its normal I know to feel as if your boobs, specifically your nips, could bake a cake in half the time than an oven- while in the beginning stages of breast feeding but holy cow that information doesn't change its ouchiness. Sometimes they are so hot to the touch I worry lil Ben's tongue will get scorched. They are so hot... (how hot are they?) Frodo could have saved himself a lot of time and heartache by simply destroying the ring on my ta-ta's! Wow I think my tiredness has taken me to a new level of crassness and DORKhood...I made a Lord of The Ring reference, SICK!

PAUSE- I just heard Ben crap his pants from across the room and possibly even the neighbors heard it too. I gotta go change him....
Okay back. Before Tom left for work I promised him and myself I would go to sleep b/c I haven't taken a nap since... last Thursday actually and lil Ben has been up every hour of the night, every other night for days now. Needless to say I'm not running on fumes. FUMES WERE YESTERDAY now the car is empty and I've gotten out and have been pushing it! Honestly, I can't blame anyone but me though. Taking naps are hard for me. My mom said that she never had a hard time getting us to nap or putting us down for the night, maybe cause we played a LOT! We were always outside playing (at least as a 6 yr old it felt like all day) Anyway, napping became hard as a teen and an adult. I just couldn't nap on Sunday's after church, I just always wanted to do something else- like tv watchin' or make yet ANOTHER batch of chocolate chip cookies. (you all know how well that worked out for me). So with lil Ben its no different. I would rather be in "go-mode" cleaning, organizing, out and about with him, anything. However, something always gives and in this case my sanity. I know.
So I tried to nap. I got out of the shower, Tom left for work, Baby Ben had been asleep for about an hour of his first long naps so yaaah...I should have been able to get plenty of sleep but nooope.
Point in case #2 i'm losing it. As I was typing this my Relief Society President came over. I can't tell the difference between noon and 1pm on the clock anymore! wah haha I answered the door in my robe and towel on my head, she could just deal with it (which she did cause she's nice!)

Okay Baby Ben is asleep again and I really am gonna attempt to take a nap BUT not until I tell ONE story!

Last Thursday Baby Ben got the BIG SNIP! I wasn't even in the room with him and I was teary. Tom stayed with him and afterwards said he did really well and really hardly cried. Okay SOoooo fast forward a couple hours last Thursday. Tom was at work, Ben's diaper needed to be changed, I was prepared to change him and put a massive amount of Vaseline on his parts are softly as possible. How'd it actually play out? As I took off his diaper and was wiping his bum he started peeing not toward me but back on himself and into his cut- he immediately started screaming and kicking! You know how strong babies are! I couldn't control him- he was kicking so hard he was his little guy with your foot, thighs, hands, etc! Blood was everywhere, I tried to hold his arms AND legs AND put on Vaseline (note: putting Vaseline on dry skin, easy. Putting Vaseline on anything damp...IMPOSSIBLE!) I worked as fast I could, trying to sing softly to Baby Ben at the same time but by the end he had blood on the outside of his diaper, my hands, his legs, his hands and soooo upset. I was a mess I texted Tom in sobs and he immediately called me and while I was calming Ben down he calmed me down. It was tough. For the next few days EVERYTIME Ben's diaper needed to be changed Tom and I tagged-teamed it. I was lovely hold his arms and sing to him and Tom would hold his legs and do the changing and adding Vaseline. I think Sunday was the first day Ben seemed good enough to be changed without any discomfort!

It's so funny. We don't live any other Law of Moses but this one...right? And please, I'm NOT saying I'm against it by any means! I just understand MORE how my mom refused to have her third son cut because it was just too hard and sad for Momma bear. (the rest of that story is my dad refused not to have it done and took Scott in himself). I'm sure Scott is relieved you all know this! lol

Okay and Ben woke up after just 10 minutes....SEE I don't know if napping is really gonna be in the cards today! Even if I WERE trying to sleep, his sleeping today is like his nighttime sleeping- waking up way too often from mom to even doze off.

Lastly, I just wanted to throw out what my Ben's personality is like. For starters, he LOVES music. We have had a good handful of experiences where he is absolutely in that screaming stage of inconsolableness but when I sing "Adelvice" From the Song of Music (I don't like show tunes or musicals though kid...your mom and dad can't stand them!!!!) He is also very assertive. When there's any kind of noise he's looking around for it- a car engine, birds chirping, whatever.

Oh and he's SUPER sensitive to any kind of confrontational tones. I was watching The Simpson's and anytime Homer would shout "D'oh" Ben would shake and give his scowl. And the other day I was watching a drama on hulu and a couple was arguing and Ben's eyes got really big and he just did NOT like it. It just reaffirms how sweet and tender newborn spirits are and how important it is to Tom and me to be continuously aware of how we are with each other and our tones in any settling. It has made it more difficult to listen to Rush though. I LOVE listening to Rush! But now, Lil Ben just hears the intensity (whether sarcastic or not) and doesn't like it. I don't want my lil guy hearing anything that might be preceived as scary, Chineese, Communistic rederic, poor little guy.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Labor Day

Right now my little cutie pie is just hanging out next to me. He just got a bath and some yummy milk and now now he's just listening to some music with mommy while I type this out!I know a few of you have already heard the story now but I HAVE to write it down for my own sanity's sake.

Tom and I had gone to church that Sunday, September 4th, I taught the lesson in our Sunday School class (14-15 yr olds). IF anyone were to tell me I'd have a baby in a little over 24 hrs and by c-section I never would had believed them!

Our after church activities were pretty lame. The weekend before Tom and I had both gotten the "nesting bug" and we worked all weekend rearranging our apartment including getting the play-pin set up and picking out a baby girl/baby boy out fits for bringing our little one home from the hospital. So Sept 4th was spent finishing up a few odds and ends around the apartment- nothing big, nothing exhausting just tiding up.

We crashed around 11pm and I was wakened by the sound of my own voice saying "Tom, I think I just pee'd the bed!" as I was reaching down (as if your hand could really stop liquid from going anywhere!) I immediately got up and sat on the toilet expecting to see pee or even diaherra but I didn't see either. I also immediately reminded Amanda's birth story and how her water broke before she was in labor and while in bed. I jumped into the shower and as I was rising off I had more gushing coming out without me being able to control it at all and THEN I was like crap....its totally my waters! I called for Tom but not loud as it was midnight and I didn't want to scare him awake or wake the neighbors for that matter either.

As I stepped out of the shower a big gust came out and I grabbed a towel and pet it between my legs and went back to the bedroom. I took a few times trying to wake up Tom (when he's out, he's OUT!) I just stood there it felt like forever when I'm sure it was only 6 seconds but when there's a towel between your legs and stuff is uncontrollably coming out and NOT stopping and you're beginning to get scared and shaking- it feels like FOREVER! Finally I spoke up louder giving him a good shake and said, "Tom, I think my water broke." THEN he woke saying, "Are you Serious!!??" He got out of bed as fast as if we had a house fire and gave me a hug first thing. I told him I should call Bek and ask her what to do, or at least confirm I should wait but her calls where being sent to voicemail.

I went back to the bathroom and sat on the toilet while I told him what was happening and he called the hospital which was a good idea even though I told him "no no I'm suppose to wait until I'm having contractions 5 minutes apart for at least a couple hours so we have time." But he didn't like that so he called and our hospital which we had been to the day before to drop off our paper work, but it was completely full and they directed us to Meridian Park just 10 minutes away instead of 25 so it worked out great! BEcause I honestly thought the hospital was gonna confirm my water was broke and then send us home to wait for contractions to get heavy I didn't take a REAL shower which was my first regret.

Before we left I wrapped up another towel in between my legs and Tom said a prayer then we were on our way.The walk from the car into the hospital was probably the funniest part. I had to stop several times as what I can only describe as a feeling like a pools worth of water was coming out of me and the hope a bath towel was gonna be able to do the job! This leads me to the FIRST COMPLAINT that no one ever told me!!!! When your water breaks its not just a one time occurance, it continous all day (well in my case all day) and there's no rhymn or reason when he gushes it just does. So you feel SOOOOOoooo unclean and icky on top of everything else!

The hosiptal staff immediately took me to a room and slapped on a hopsital band at which time I asked "Am I being admitted?" And the nurse replied, "Yep, the next time you leave you'll be leaving with your baby" Then I think I started to freak out even more. At that point we called my mom and then I tried Bek again. I also sent out a text to which Ashley replied and gave encouraging words. I was admitted because of the Group-B strep and b/c the barrier was ruptured between protected baby and baby possibily getting infected I had to stay a get on the anti-biotic immediately. They asked me what my plan was for pain management and I told them nothing was off the table and explained my reasoning. The nurse was worked with me 90% time told me I had a couple of options before an epidural. Some kind of drug that would given thru my IV, it wouldn't last long but it would take the edge off but that she only gives it at most twice b/c the second dose doesn't last nearly as long nor does it help as much...

By 3AM I was having very little, very contractions. So they started me on slow drip of potosin at 4AM. My mom arrived around...gosh I can't remember 7:30-8ish which was also the time I had my first "check."

Okay here's #2 of what no one ever tells you. Being checked to see how far dilated you are sucks SO bad! I found it hurt way worse than the contractions themselves. I asked the nurse if they would get less painful as I dilated more but she shook her head and said I wish they did but they will hurt everytime AND they did!!!

Okay, so at 8am I was having contractions every few minutes and they were increasing in severity. I was checked by a nurse and I was at 1 centimeter. At that point Dr. Farley showed up and explained that due to the combination of having premature eruption while my body was not ready, unlike if I had gone full term having off and on contractions but since my body wasn't more ready and I was only at a 1 at 8am having been on potosin for 4 hours he suspected at that point I would be 40% likely ending up needing a c-section. Oh and also b/c looking at the baby's heart monitor he/she was not getting enough oxygen during the contractions so they put me on oxygen for awhile.

At around 1pm I was still having contractions every few 2-5 minutes with the occasional 15 minute pauses between then now and then. I also got checked again, that time it was by Dr. Farley who Bek confirmed does have "sausage fingers" and it totally made me cry pretty good. The verdict? 1.5centimeters and 20% effaced.  When I heard that I knew I needed A.) Some kind of drugs. B.) A Blessing. I got the first dose around 2:30 though I had been trying to wait until I was more dilated or till 4pm (just b/c 4 was my personal goal) but by 2:30pm by contractions where at the level of making me weepy. Whatever it was put the nurse put into my IV just minutes before I got a blessing felt like taking Perocet. You get a high feeling while still very aware of the contractions but it took off the edge.

Evan's parents came and together Matt and Tom gave me a blessing and afterwards Tom leaned down and whispered, "We're having a boy." After the company left and my mom left to use the restroom Tom told me he had the impression a few times throughout the prayer to say, "He" but felt like it was very special and intimate so it didn't say the word out loud. We were both very happy!

Contractions continued to be fairly steady for the next several hours again with the occasional hic-ups of them slowing down to every 15 minutes now and then. During the hours of 3-6:30 are kinda fuzzy. I remember contractions got to the point where I was more and more weepy and had been since my first IV shot- it last about 40 min and then was gone. I remember thinking I would try to wait until 4pm until I got another shot and I think I gave up at 3pm. The second shot felt a little like a waste of time just as I had been warned. It last only minutes, and wasn't nearly as effective.

I got checked for the third and last time around 6pm. That time I sobbed. It sucked soooo much. Not only did he check me but he shoved an inner contraction monitor inside as the outside one wasn't picking up my contractions. When Dr. Farley was done I asked him if he shoved a baby in? It was brutal. The verdict? Dilated to a high 2 not quite a 3 and 80% effaced. Dr. Farley suggested I think about getting an epidural and then they would up the potosin and really get contractions going but also it looked like the baby was having issues again and I needed to be put on oxygen again. He left the room for a second and then when he came back he and the nurse watched the monitor things and I said "okay that last contraction was about a 7 on the pain scale, what does the monitor say it was?" The nurse said, "I don't want to do that to you. Everyone has their own level of pain tolerance." Then I said, "okay so where am I am in the pain tolerance?" And she said, "Well you said that was a 7? The monitor is picking it up as a minor contraction."

I really started getting frustrated and scared at that moment. Like, the whole time I had been having what I considered "BAD period cramps" the most severe the contractions ever got felt like my worse cramps BUT my worse cramps never came on every 2-5 minutes and lasting all day long! I would have normally drugged up and gone to bed to sleep through them so to hear I wasn't even in the thick of it and it was gonna get really bad soon- scared the FREAK out of me! Seriously! The nurse talked to me about an epidural and asked if I wanted to think about it for awhile. She left the room and I just cried and said I want it now! When she came back in I told her I wanted it now! She said, "Actually Dr. Farley needs to talk to you." And he came in just a minute later.

Dr. Farley stood over my bed as I had the oxygen mask on and explained that he was looking at the monitors and everytime I was having even the slightest of contractions baby wasn't handling them well at all and since I had been on potosin for about 15 hours and only at 3 centimeters at most he felt it was in baby and mine best interest I got into surgery right away.

Let me tell you, I completely fell apart people! I felt...I felt a hundred things at once. I was so disappointed. Like, I wasn't so much scared of surgery as I was so frustrated that I was SO willing to go through birth. I had the two best cheer leaders with me all day. Tom never even complained or attempted to sleep and my mom talked me through just about every contraction I was verbally and physically reacting to. Also, I do NOT think I am a wuss when it comes to pain! For crying out loud I've survived 3 kidney stones and 2 spinal headaches- both absolutely HORRIBLE. Not just "painful" but I honestly promise each one got to the level of you would rather just die; as in I was praying and pleading Heavenly Father would just take me if it was His will. Needless to say I wouldn't curse them on ANYONE NOT ANYONE!!!! So to be told what I was crying about was just the beginning contractions was like soo undaunting. So I just burst out in tears and sobs. Tom just held me and rocked me whispering how much he loved me and how he felt like this was truly a blessing. I don't remember exact words but I know what he said was beautiful and truly comforting. My mom came over and hugged me and told me if she could do it for me she would!

I remember I started going into shock pretty much immediately. Dr. Farley introduced the surgeon and then the anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself and I said, "I just want to tell you I had a horrific spinal tap that went wrong a few years ago and I just need you to tell me you won't give me a spinal headache." The guy said, "Well I'll tell you no one does anything wrong on purpose. I don't do anything wrong. I can't promise you won't react a certain way. I'll do my job correctly." .....I remember wanting to kick that guy in the nuts! Like, hello!!! Here I am very obviously visually upset and scared and needing REASSURANCE and instead he showed me his alter-ego. ugh.

I think from the minute Dr. Farley said "we need to go into surgery" to the minute I was being wheeled away was like 10 minutes. They started wheeling me away and had Tom stay and get into scrubs and told him they would come back for him when I was ready. I hated being away from him even if was only a couple minutes.

They took me to the operating room and moved me onto a different bed . Had me sit up as a nurse helped me stay upright. I was shaking so hard. I kept trying to take deep breaths to try to relax but I couldn't get a grip, I just shook and my teeth shattered terribly.The anesthesiologist all of a sudden became NICE and was talking me through what he was doing behind me. The first poke was like a bee sting to numb me up then a second behind it- it felt very much like a spinal tap. Its hard to describe. It feels unhuman, that is its a feeling I don't think any human is suppose to experience. Before I could really think about it my toes were cold feeling then my knees and then like 3 ppl were laying me down and one side okay if you have the ability try lifting your hips, it was the last thing I moved and then nothing. The more I tried to move anything the more claustrophobic I became so I tried to not think about it. Instead I just stared at the door waiting for Tom to come thru it. I laid there completely naked except my boobs covered with my gown while I knew everything else was open for God and Country. Its so humiliating BUT I AM grateful for modern medicine! and even though my legs and body weren't shaking anymore the rest of me from chest up just shook.

Then Tom came in and sat on a stool to the left of me, the anesthesiologist behind me, a nurse to the right of me, a screen inches from me face in front of me. Then I listened as each nurse and doctor, surgeon, etc. stated their name, date, and what operation they were taking part in. I listened while every surgical tool was counted and recorded on a white board. Then it started.

I was told I was feel pressure. Pressure isn't the right word. Man-handling is the correct term. I listened while scissors cut into my own flesh. I am someone who really enjoys watching surgeries but when its your own and you can't move it makes your imagination run wild! I imagined a sudden flood coming in and water rising and the only way I could avoid fate would be with my arms as my guts floated next to me....haha yep, that's honestly what I was thinking about! lol And I kept thinking about Benjamin. That name was front and center in my mind and I just knew Tom was gonna ask me "Well what should we call him?" And I knew that when I answered Benjamin he would know it was right too.

It was a matter of a few minutes before the surgeon said, "okay in about 30 seconds we're gonna know if this baby is a boy or a you want us to tell you or dad, would you like to look first?" Tom looked at me in a very "can I Jess? Can I?" -way it was super cute! and I smiled and nodded and then the surgeon said, "okay dad, go ahead and stand up and tell mom what you have!" I didn't hear any baby sounds, it was so quiet I was shocked they pulled out our baby so fast and thought it was super cool he wasn't crying. I thought about how there was a baby on the other side of the sheet and it was ours!Tom stood up and looked over and then down at me with tears in his eyes and said, "We have a son." Then they lowered the shield and I looked at our baby. I immediately thought HE looks like me and I want to have a girl soon! lol

They handed Ben to a nurse to took him over to be checked out and Tom followed as the doctors pressure down on my belly and pushed out the rest of the water and placenta and whatever else. Tom just stood over little Ben in awe and amazement then they brought him over to me and I held him on my chest for a couple minutes. Tom leaned in and said "he's ours for eternity" and kissed my forehead.

Foreword: Benjamin is the best newborn I could have asked for. He really isn't fussy or cranky. He's a sweetie pie and smart! I'm not sure if its normal or not but he's a little over a week old now and has yet to spit up once?! He gets hic ups at least 3X a day just like when he was in my belly. Tom and I are very happy and can't believe how we just love him soooo much! We fought his arrival for so long and now we can't imagine him NOT with us!
Me recovery is going pretty good. It was pretty bad on for a few days and then Tom put his foot down about not letting me sit up without him getting up and doing the work for me- it made all the difference and I can feel its really helped in my healing faster. And I agree with him, I feel now that all is done that having the c-section really was a wonderful blessing and I'm happy no harm came Ben or me!