Monday, January 21, 2013

Sunday. The day of UNrest.

This week was LONG. On Wednesday I got up and I was like oh man its about time its Friday..oh wait, CRAP! This morning I woke up feeling pretty good. Tom let me sleep in till 10:30 (please don't hate me) and we went to church tho we were late. For the record I HATE being late and even more I HATE missing sacrament! But we were late and I totally take the blame. Anyway, back in December a friend who serves in the nursery told me to bring Ben since I thought he was ready so before the time change we did and he never even looked back. He was a happy clam. We did get a slight "not till he's 18 months from one lady but the other adults in the room said oh he's fine go ahead and leave, he's having fun! Now that was only one week then the new year and new church time, I was sick the first week of January so we didn't go then last week we took him in...ugh because of the time change 11:30-2:30 things are a different story. I mean, at least with 9am church Ben is tough but manageable until 11:30 when all bets are off and then its Ben meltdown but church is almost up so its do-able. NOW, going to church, actually PURPOSELY going at the very time your kid would be going down for his/her first nap is cruel and unusual punishment. I swear it could replace water-boarding as torture on both child AND parent! Anyway, Ben was not having any of it (nursery) last week and I knew it was 100% due to him being tired. However we did drop him off and stuck around and watched from outside the doors until it seemed like he was fine. Tom and I went to sunday school and afterwards went back to check in on him- it was perfect timing b/c he had started his own Churnobel-meltdown. I tried to go to relief society with him but after throwing his sippy, books, whatever was around him for the umpteenth time and squirming out of my grip I tapped out and took him home where he fell asleep without a fight. 

So what happened today? Well like I said I woke feeling good! We went to church, Ben was absolutely and completely squirmy during sacrament. He is a mover and a shaker for sure =) THANK Heavens for Tom. Sundays are HIS day to take care of Ben. We go to take him to nursery and we get stopped by that same lady from weeks prior. Again, the other adults there have told me numerous times not only how they are fine with him but have been encouraging me to drop him off if I, as his mom felt he is ready. So the lady comes up to Tom and me and starts saying how kids have to be 18 months before they can come to nursery and if they let us do it then they have to let everyone. I said I understand he was tough last week b/c church is at the worst possible time (okay worse possible time would be at 3am but you know what I'm saying) but we'll stay and see how he does because I think he's ready. The lady was not satisfied with that answer and continued to say how he WAS a handful the week prior and too much for her so he needs to stay with us until he's 18 months (1 1/2 months away). Now, during this conversation the other adults and there were at least 4 of them to 6-7 kids were just watching and listening. Whoever this lady is obviously scares them because no one advocated for us. Anyway, we left. I almost immediately erupted in tears.

I stood out in the foyer and worked on composing myself but please once the waterworks start there's no going back. Tom asked me why I was so upset. I blubbered out some of my frustrations and just tried to stop crying so we could go into Sunday school and get something out of church today. We went in and within moments a girl walked in and sat next to me and said, "hey did you try taking Ben into nursery and were told he couldn't be there?" I said ya, wondering how the heck she knew as I didn't see anyone in the hallways as we were exiting nursery and I tried to be quiet when I was talking things out with Tom in the foyer. Honestly, I didn't want to talk about it! I was trying to remain calm and desperately trying to listen to the Sunday school lesson but I was trying to be nice to this girl who was trying to be nice. She told me I could always bring him into nursery before he's 18 months and stay with him. It should have been comforting but it wasn't in fact it was just as frustrating, not her, the situation. I ended up crying some more trying to stop, I blamed it on pms tho it wasn't (NO I'm not pregnant either) she was sweet and understanding, having 4 kids herself, one of the relief society presidency ladies walked by, saw me wiping away tears and she smiled sweetly and padded my knee. Again, I was like thanks but NO I don't want to be THAT emotionally unstable, problem-causer church-person. A few more minutes of unsolicited advice passed and then she left and I realized Tom had taken Ben out almost immediately from the time we came in. So I sat there listening to the last few minutes of the lesson but all I was doing was crying. I knew why I was REALLY upset and I KNEW I was so upset I wasn't going to be able to calm down until I talked it out so to avoid more questions and speculations in relief society or otherwise I knew I needed to find Tom go home and get Ben in bed and me some chocolate! 

I hate missing relief society. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before in other blogs. Ever since I was a little kid I thought RS sounded SO cool! And I couldn't leave young women's fast enough. I love the whole atmosphere; mature, older women giving their insights and perspectives on gospel teachings and doctrinal understandings...I love it! For me, I go to church to take the sacrament and to go to relief society. The rest of church is whatever. I DO enjoy high counsel-men's and bishops talks too! Yep, I do! =) If I had to guess I think I've been able to sit through maybe 2 entire RS in the past 6 months. I'm lucky if I get to 11:30 but Ben's internal count knows 11:30, its uncanny so I have to take him out then and wait for Tom to finish in Priesthood or if things are really bad give Tom "the look!" and we leave then.

So why was I SO upset? I was exhausted. Not sleepy exhausted. Just tapped out. I balled and whined to Tom how in an average week he sees Ben for a few minutes in the mornings and gets home hours after he's been in bed for hours Mon-Sat. I do it, I do everything by myself. I don't resent Tom for it and I certainly don't resent Ben. I resent that I'm selfish and I'm not quite sure how or what to do. Tom asked me what I would do if all of a sudden we didn't have Ben anymore. I cried more. Sure I would have freedom and go at a moments notice to get that one thing at the store and it only taking 5 minutes there and back all together, I would have a lot of things but I wouldn't have Ben. Tom reminded me that THIS is how it is. Things, even and ESPECIALLY church are not easy but that's how it goes and its okay. I mostly was upset because I wanted that nursery time break so I could be with Tom and listen to a lesson, to me its like a date, seriously. I was upset because even when Ben is 18 months I wouldn't doubt we'll still need to take care of him because of the terrible time of day. For any one who doesn't have kids I can't stress how hard it really is, you question WHY even go to church!

We talked about nursery and the standard of 18 months. Tom said he sees it the same way as not dating until we're 16. Sure someone can be ready or mature before then but it doesn't change that the rules are set at 16 or in this case 18 months. I understand. For the record I'm not mad at "the lady" - For someone who is pretty dang self-aware I was NOT aware of how much I just needed a timeout that included some good, positive, moral insights to encourage me to be a better person, neighbor, daughter, sister, friend, companion....Mommy.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Ups, Downs and All Arounds 2012

So I woke up this morning thinking I wanted to write a blog about New Years and 2012 and stuff but I  went blank. THEN I saw Amanda's update, which was SO awesome for lots of reasons mostly because I rarely hear from...well anyone and when I do it's after-the-fact and totally old news, then I go into angry/hurt pity party feeling super left out and then after a week I get over it again until I hear "old news" again and it starts all over. Sometimes I think okay I won't blog and then I'll see if anyone notices but really I blog for me. I blog to reminisce and remember and mostly to talk myself through whatever is going on at least that's what I'm saying to myself now.

I was thinking of 2012 the last few weeks and trying to remember what happened, seriously. I'm honestly not trying to be a negative-Nelly, its just hard to remember anything. I'm really weird about news years, I find its in the same category as like.... Kwanzaa or Yom Kapur, or Hawaiian T-shirt day, it just doesn't mean anything special or exciting personally. I've kinda always felt blah about new years. IF I want to change something I don't need a flip of the calendar to do so, ya know? I honestly think its due to the GOOD holidays being over.

From that first sign of cooler weather coming in, leaves changing and the smell of wood fire in the air I'm as happy as a fat kid in a bakery. Sweaters, scarves, boots, layers, richer/warmer perfumes and tastes, I mean come on! Even when I was single and dreaded Christmas morning, knowing my mister wasn't under the tree it was still so way better than when Christmas is over. Winter without Christmas lights and "seasons greetings" and extra nice people is depressing. The sudden contrast is a punch in the face. That's how I feel, thee end.

Now, 2012. I'll start with the let-downs:
1. The Election. -I still have to force myself from becoming an alcoholic everyday from its loss.
2. umm hmmm well....okay baby weight not wanting to come off

Well wow that's pretty awesome if those are the only things I can think of!

Now, 2012 the ups:
1. Paying off another 10K in debt. Actually I'm not sure how much but I'm sure its at least 10K while paying for thousands in car repairs/maintenance, some unexpected some expected doctors bills, etc.
2. Finding out I actually DO like the toddler stage. Who knew? Ben's so sweet and happy and loving and accepting of everyone.
3. My friends' diagnoses looking better! That was a big one. -I love and think about you everyday Char.
4. Going another year without having a fight with my husband. Disagreements/misunderstandings sure but fights, no.
5. Moved to a bigger place! There are imperfections but more awesomes than not!
6. Getting to see South Dakota/Minnesota/North Dakota and Tom's family. That was a treat.
7. Getting to see my best-ies in Texas, it had been years and yet we are all the same. More mature, more stretch marks (some more than others) but we are essentially the same people and I love it! I wouldn't change anyone well except for...haha jk no NOT anyone!
8. We got internet. YA its THAT note-worthy! It saved my life and sanity.
9. Finding my 30th birthday to be my most favorite of all. That was totally unexpected!
10. Loving that no one asks me if Ben is a boy or girl anymore. The last time was the week he turned 1 and LOVING how often women and men stop me to tell me how adorable Ben is, including a grandma who was holding her own grandson about the same age who was walking past us, stopped, turned around and said, "oh my gosh I have to say, he is most gorgeous boy I've even seen! wow!" I'm already proud of him for many reasons but its the cherry on the cake.
11. That while it took Ben till he was 11 1/2 months old to sleep thru the night he DID and does even 14 hours most nights THANK the heavens above.
12. Lastly but just as important. No one died, well no relatives or super close peoples.

Things I looking forward to in 2013:
1. Paying off Department of Education!
2. Getting more of Tom's education done
3. Boob-job (jk just checking to see if your still awake)
4. Ben going into nursery
5. Maybe another baby????