Monday, June 13, 2011

Burnt Popcorn

Not sure that any of you know this about me but I don't only like burnt popcorn- I prefer it! Kinda weird, I know. I actually prefer burnt bacon too. Maybe it's some kind of reaction to years of "smoking pens" and now the only thing I taste is burning! haha

Anyway, the last few days have been...interesting.

Tom and I lost our free internet on Saturday, as our generous neighbors who gave us their password moved. And because we aren't willing to pay $45 bucks a month for internet we don't have it so if you guys email please don't think I'm ignoring you- I'll get the messages within 24 hours!

Also, on Saturday Tom and I went to the Temple and it was wonderful. Being pregnant has added a new paranoia of FEAR of PEEING MY PANTS. For instance: I leave work at 5pm on the dot. I immediately go the bathroom right before rushing to the bus. Because of several stops and city traffic it takes a little over an hour to get home. Where the bus drops me off to my apartment is about a mile. Its only the last few minutes of the walk that I'm chanting "you can make it, you can make it." I swear every office work day gets harder and harder to make it home. Infact, I stop drinking all liquids by 4pm to help get me home- wet-pants-free. But with the weather getting warmer and my diabetic dispositon of unquenchable thirst- NOT drinking is tough. So I was nervous about getting through a session but I made it just meant less time in the beautiful C. room.

Speaking of diabetes... Sunday morning I made Tom cinnamin rolls. I know you guys know that I enjoy baking/cooking and when I make foods I don't eat but still love and can feed them to people I love there's a sweet satisfaction that comes when others are enjoying the things I still love/miss and hearing their ooh and ahhs in conjuntion with enjoying the smells really makes me feel like I'M enjoying them too!

Well Sunday morning started off good. I had just hopped out of the shower to pull out the cinnamin rolls when the Princess-Leiah-bending-over to do so hurt my back. It wasn't like DEAR GOSH I'M GOING DOWN! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!! More like, AH dang it that hurt! Usually when I get a twinge like that I immediately go lay down and put my knees to my chest but I didn't. Instead I was wanting to finish the dang rolls instead. So in the few minutes I took to make my own creation of Maple-Cream-Cheese icing it was all over.

When I finally put my legs up I knew it wasn't gonna go away within 15-30 min like normal. After a few minutes I tried getting ready for church but Tom came in, saw my struggle and immediately had me lay down again.

I HATE missing church cause I really do enjoy Relief Society and taking the Sacrament. (Sunday School could be left out in my opinion EXCEPT when there's a great teacher than its cool in my book! ;)

While Tom was gone at church I got up once and it was BAD. I couldn't move in the slightest without severe pain. When he got home he asked me what we needed to do. I told him I needed to walk. Walking is painful! But Because I've gone through this several times I'm a seasoned pro. Well....seasoned as in gereactrics! lol

Getting out of bed in possibly the hardest part. Acutally rolling from side to the other can be full on torture, however, I'm SURE its hilarious to watch cause Tom giggled a few times but don't think he's mean just yet- he had to help me go the bathroom and get dressed in the last 24-36 hrs. Like pulling down and up my undies- kind of essential help! Its extrememly humbling.

He gave me a blessing last night which was very sweet. This morning I woke up and knew right away I wasn't going to work, I could hardly get to my anti-nausea meds which I've been needing more than normal lately as my stomach has been hurting extra the last week. I know my body and I know the rate of healing it takes to get over ANYTHING. The last time I hurt my back this bad was in spring '08. I had been bed-riddin for a week with no improvement so I relented and went to Dr. M. So that's what I did this morning.

Dr. M looked at my back and said I was very swollen and there was no way I was gonna be better before a week. I'm so glad Tom went with me because I don't think I would have been able to make the decision to get injections without him. You see, Dr. M told me I had two options- do nothing and it take a week/week and a half to start walking again or get injections (adjustments wouldn't do squat!). I asked if it was safe to have them being pregnant- since "injections" are painkillers/glucosamine. His answer put me in freak-out mode. He said there is a chance they could put me into labor- that it happens and the painkiller part is equivent to having an epidoral. He went on to tell me how not good taking tylenol is even with its popular acceptance during pregnancy. I asked Tom what he thought, he said he felt okay about it. I then re-asked Dr. M, "Okay, I know you're not suppose to answer this but whatever- if it was your wife..." And he answered quickly, "If it was my wife, I've give her injections!" I relented.

I balled. I did. They are so painful. I've only had them done once before without a heavy dose of oxy-codon and I balled then too. It takes me right back to that horrible spinal-tap gone "fubar" in '03. I was also crying cause the baby had been kicking a ton but once the injections started the kicking stopped and I got freaked. I kept thinking, I deserve ice cream after this! But even in the moment knew I didn't REALLY want ice cream, I wanted everything to be normal. In all the many times I've had them done I've NEVER seen the needle, only heard from my friends and family who have gone with me how it looks. About a 6" needle going straight down along my spine/shoulders/neck/under my scalp. In the moment it feels like a 10" butchers knife and afterwards feels like dozens of bee stings. I walked out of the appointment easier than when I went in.

On the way home I had injections-remorse and cried that I was worried cause before it was just my body that I was trying to fix but now I'm resposible for a little baby too and worried if I wasn't gonna go into labor I've critically injured it. Tom calmed me down. He said he had a calm feeling before Dr. M did them and still felt good about it. Thank goodness cause Mother-Bear was feeling terrible. I'm sure some of you will judge me/Tom about the decision and I would too, I won't lie.

I took a nap when we got back home but after 2 days in bed I got cabin-fever so I'm at the library to get out. Getting here wasn't pretty but I promised Tom I wouldn't over-exert and I'm not allowed to do housework beyond putting the sheets thru the washer/dryer. To be honest, it toke all I had to do that.

Walking is difficult. After getting injections I go backwards in pain before I can go forward. Moving in the slightest is painful b/c of the back injury and b/c of the soreness in having injections.

So what does this have to do with Diabetes? I got my results from my sugar test just a few hours ago. It was high, high for the medical world and VERY high to the standards I have been taught. My OB wants me to have another sugar test, its a 3-hour test. I'll go in fasting (only 8 hrs) then they'll have me drink the sugar thing again and then have me stay at the doctors office for 3 hrs following to test exactly HOW insulin reinsistant I am. When Tom called me at his lunch break I cried again about the whole thing. Frustrated that in all my efforts to control my diet- its still not enough, frustrated that while I own being insulin resistant for years, I don't want to own what that means past my diet, and frustrated again that I'm getting more sick WITHOUT eating chocolate and yummy things.

I didn't have chocolate nor any super sugary yummy thing. I feel good about that!
I remember in my SDB class the instructor saying we all have two wolves in us- the wolf who is the SDB and the wolf who is are Best self. Only 1 wolf can be the winner, so which one reins? The wolf we feed! I've been starving the SDB wolf for 4 weeks now and I have to say its rather quiet b/c its fading. Its feels freeing.

Okay its time to go home and lay down.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Baby Got Back-Fat


Alrighty folks, c'est moi 24 weeks pregnant with Middle C.

As some of you know we had a second ultra sound this past Tuesday but once again our efforts were thwarted by our little-little's legs being too so close together along with being breech and turned in such a way as to intersect any clear spotting of a weeny or  va-jay-jay. I guess it's just isn’t meant for us to know at this time. SOOoooo we'll ALL have to wait till he/she is born! =)

Picking out names is probably is up there in hard tasks such as computing the exact fuel needed to fly to Jupiter (which, if I'm remembering right that mission launched like 3-4 years ago and will orbit Saturn (?) twice to build up momentum before it whips out and shoots to Jupiter (?) traveling at incredible speeds -Danelle, am I thinking of the right mssion?) Anyway, where was I???
Oh yes, names. Ahh. Tom likes very traditional boy names ie., Patrick, James and even some Scandinavianess like Bjorn. Infact, Tom LOVES Bjorn. But it’s just not MASCULINE enough for me! I don't hear Bjorn exuding testosterone, you know? Tom is SO liking the name that he’s even brought up me choosing one of our kids’ names and he gets to choose this one if it’s a boy. Haha I do know it IS truly unfair, I’ve had my girl names picked for YEARS but…when we were dating I told Tom exactly that- and I remember where we were the moment I told him I was gonna have a daughter named Aurora. And you know what he said? “I love it!” So when I reminded Tom he already agreed to Aurora before we were married, he’s tried back-peddling. LOL it really shows me how much he likes Bjorn! Again, it’s too a-sexual.  
My favorites? Well….my latest favorite is Rush, THAT’S RIGHT, Rush! It’s very different while being bold, strong, and masculine. Tom doesn’t like it very much cause of the band and Rush Limbaugh references. But to me I wouldn’t name my kid Rush just cause I like Rush Limbaugh, I’d name our son Rush because Rush is different, interesting and it’s NOT a made-up name like I hear SOO many our of fellow generation Y’s annoyingly do for their off-spring. No one would have to ask him how to spell it or anything. Okay I also like Deacon, Duncan, Cedric.
As for girl names, well those are totally easy. Aurora Lily, or Saffron (Saffy for short) Scarlett.
I know there are many people who have their baby’s name totally picked out and have every baby-shower gift monogrammed with it but….to me I feel like it’s good to have a couple ideas in the air and when he/she is born you will be able to tell if he is a Bjorn or a Rush, or if she is an Aurora or a Saffy! Who knows maybe the baby will come out and just like our ultra sound will end up being “It’s Pat” LOL oh gosh no……
Anyway, I hope these pictures quench everyone’s baby-bump thirst. Though, I give fair warning it could also destroy anyone’s desire to be pregnant too!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I’ll try to make this short while working in chronological order.

First: I’m going into my 3rd week without chocolate, sugary sweets, and any other awesome foods. And just to recap, I’ve used chocolate as a false sense of security for so many years that simply trying to eat it in moderation is not an option at this point. BELIEVE ME, this has not been a walk in the park. I’ve had several days where I had to take it hour-by-hour and even minute-by-minute.

In almost every moment I was ready to give up Tom was there to be my sounding board. And In almost all of those moments none where craving based or a need to raise my blood sugar but were all moments of feeling  frustrated, vulnerable, and/or antsy.

Each time a “freak-out” occurred I had to cognitively allow myself to FEEL where and why I was feeling those emotions and then talk it through out loud how chocolate/over-eating/eating when I’m not hungry will #1.) NOT resolve these symptoms #2.) Acknowledge I am NOT drowning without those SDB (Self-Defeating Behaviors). #3.) Remind myself that chocolate, etc. hurts me and in no way protects me. #4.) Count all my blessings when I want to play the “fairness card” and envy naturally thin people who don’t have this SDB. #5.) Count MORE blessings when I’m playing the “other fairness card” when I wrongly think I’m the only person who works on their SDB instead of giving into it.

Yesterday was a BIG challenge. I was already feeling tired from a big Adidas merchandising visit the day before, we had just come back from another semi-disappointing ultra sound visit, and while I just wanted to go to bed I had to go to another Adidas merchandising job, plus I’ve been stressing, wait I’ve been CHOOSING to stress about our apartment. {We’ve had several, (6+) neighbors move out of our building alone in the past few weeks. It appears the management has raised rent $150-200 each month. I’ve been hoping by the time we need to re-sign at the end of August the management will have pulled down rent again seeing as people are moving out left and right but….not a single person has replaced them yet…..} AND I was stressing how a Dr.’s appointment on Friday confirmed my suspicions that there is a very good possibility that even with my willingness to change my diet I could still end up on insulin some day, along with the continuous need to narrow my diet more and more in the upcoming years as my natural insulin function lessens.

 Foods like pickled beets. YES, pickled beets have gone from being a gray area food to a black zone food. Where I would justify a banana now and then has become as aggressive in my body as a slice of cake. Dr. Milroy put it this way, “You’re doing the diet 90%, why not go 100%? Because you’re still in denial!” He was right. I do STILL fight it.

I had all those stresses and more going on in my head while I was about to leave for work when I started plotting HOW I was gonna get chocolate, WHAT quantity I was gonna eat and then how I was gonna justify it all to Tom afterwards. Tom must have been reading my mind because he just walked over and wrapped his arms around me and asked what was going on in my head. SHAME was the answer!

I could feel my body fighting. It’s like… it’s like having an addiction and when you’re having withdraws your body starts screaming: HURRY, DO SOMETHING, YOU’VE GONE LONG ENOUGH WITHOUT IT!!! ENOUGH! HURRRYYYY!!!! Yesterday I was right there. I had only been to that level of intolerance once or twice before WITHOUT giving in. I was ready to give in. But I didn’t.

I talked it through with Tom. I let myself feel the frustration of what is going on and all the while thinking and saying- I’m okay. I’m not drowning. I’m safe and all is good.

I wasn’t 100% perfectly happy-go-lucky afterwards but the plotting had ceased, my anger against ANYONE who eats chocolate, cereal, a piece of toast, or even a simple glass of milk subsided, while I felt anxious about work and working hard without chocolate went ahead and let myself feel that way- you know showing myself I won’t drown, I can stand up and be okay. I started positively planning ahead by seeing myself needing/wanting chocolate and making a chocolate run but NOT giving in and choosing to be satisfied with cold diet dr. pepper and mozzarella sticks.

By the time I got home I was exhausted so exhausted I twisted a light bulb in our bathroom which was rusted into the fixture and I KNEW was dangerous but me being wasted look at it and was like, this didn’t get fixed! AND then proceeded to twist it half in inch where it exploded in my hand. I’m still not sure how I wasn’t electrocuted….

Today I’m feeling okay. Emotionally I’m feeling okay. Physically I’m very sore and its moments like this I wonder if I’ll be able to keep up my rotations through the end of August as planned.

As for my feelings about not getting to know the sex of our little one? I’m okay. I have the image of what we saw burned in my mind. It’s kinda like one of those awesome M.C. Escher drawings where you see two different images but only one at a time! The first time I told the Dr. I wanted to guess when he was able to give me a good picture and I said,- “looks like a girl!” but this last time I thought I saw a little penis. The Dr. said I was seeing the umbilical cord but when he pointed where that was- I wasn’t even looking in that space! Haha So maybe I didn’t see anything?! Really, it’s kinda fun not knowing. Our delivery really will be like every 80’s movie I saw where the doctor announces, “It’s a GIRL!” or “It’s a BOY!” Instead of “It’s what you already knew!” LOL

And as for names Tom and I talk about? I’ll leave that for my NEXT blog!

WITH Lots of love and equal jealousy for all you carb eaters!