Burnt Popcorn

Not sure that any of you know this about me but I don't only like burnt popcorn- I prefer it! Kinda weird, I know. I actually prefer burnt bacon too. Maybe it's some kind of reaction to years of "smoking pens" and now the only thing I taste is burning! haha

Anyway, the last few days have been...interesting.

Tom and I lost our free internet on Saturday, as our generous neighbors who gave us their password moved. And because we aren't willing to pay $45 bucks a month for internet we don't have it so if you guys email please don't think I'm ignoring you- I'll get the messages within 24 hours!

Also, on Saturday Tom and I went to the Temple and it was wonderful. Being pregnant has added a new paranoia of FEAR of PEEING MY PANTS. For instance: I leave work at 5pm on the dot. I immediately go the bathroom right before rushing to the bus. Because of several stops and city traffic it takes a little over an hour to get home. Where the bus drops me off to my apartment is about a mile. Its only the last few minutes of the walk that I'm chanting "you can make it, you can make it." I swear every office work day gets harder and harder to make it home. Infact, I stop drinking all liquids by 4pm to help get me home- wet-pants-free. But with the weather getting warmer and my diabetic dispositon of unquenchable thirst- NOT drinking is tough. So I was nervous about getting through a session but I made it just meant less time in the beautiful C. room.

Speaking of diabetes... Sunday morning I made Tom cinnamin rolls. I know you guys know that I enjoy baking/cooking and when I make foods I don't eat but still love and can feed them to people I love there's a sweet satisfaction that comes when others are enjoying the things I still love/miss and hearing their ooh and ahhs in conjuntion with enjoying the smells really makes me feel like I'M enjoying them too!

Well Sunday morning started off good. I had just hopped out of the shower to pull out the cinnamin rolls when the Princess-Leiah-bending-over to do so hurt my back. It wasn't like DEAR GOSH I'M GOING DOWN! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!! More like, AH dang it that hurt! Usually when I get a twinge like that I immediately go lay down and put my knees to my chest but I didn't. Instead I was wanting to finish the dang rolls instead. So in the few minutes I took to make my own creation of Maple-Cream-Cheese icing it was all over.

When I finally put my legs up I knew it wasn't gonna go away within 15-30 min like normal. After a few minutes I tried getting ready for church but Tom came in, saw my struggle and immediately had me lay down again.

I HATE missing church cause I really do enjoy Relief Society and taking the Sacrament. (Sunday School could be left out in my opinion EXCEPT when there's a great teacher than its cool in my book! ;)

While Tom was gone at church I got up once and it was BAD. I couldn't move in the slightest without severe pain. When he got home he asked me what we needed to do. I told him I needed to walk. Walking is painful! But Because I've gone through this several times I'm a seasoned pro. Well....seasoned as in gereactrics! lol

Getting out of bed in possibly the hardest part. Acutally rolling from side to the other can be full on torture, however, I'm SURE its hilarious to watch cause Tom giggled a few times but don't think he's mean just yet- he had to help me go the bathroom and get dressed in the last 24-36 hrs. Like pulling down and up my undies- kind of essential help! Its extrememly humbling.

He gave me a blessing last night which was very sweet. This morning I woke up and knew right away I wasn't going to work, I could hardly get to my anti-nausea meds which I've been needing more than normal lately as my stomach has been hurting extra the last week. I know my body and I know the rate of healing it takes to get over ANYTHING. The last time I hurt my back this bad was in spring '08. I had been bed-riddin for a week with no improvement so I relented and went to Dr. M. So that's what I did this morning.

Dr. M looked at my back and said I was very swollen and there was no way I was gonna be better before a week. I'm so glad Tom went with me because I don't think I would have been able to make the decision to get injections without him. You see, Dr. M told me I had two options- do nothing and it take a week/week and a half to start walking again or get injections (adjustments wouldn't do squat!). I asked if it was safe to have them being pregnant- since "injections" are painkillers/glucosamine. His answer put me in freak-out mode. He said there is a chance they could put me into labor- that it happens and the painkiller part is equivent to having an epidoral. He went on to tell me how not good taking tylenol is even with its popular acceptance during pregnancy. I asked Tom what he thought, he said he felt okay about it. I then re-asked Dr. M, "Okay, I know you're not suppose to answer this but whatever- if it was your wife..." And he answered quickly, "If it was my wife, I've give her injections!" I relented.

I balled. I did. They are so painful. I've only had them done once before without a heavy dose of oxy-codon and I balled then too. It takes me right back to that horrible spinal-tap gone "fubar" in '03. I was also crying cause the baby had been kicking a ton but once the injections started the kicking stopped and I got freaked. I kept thinking, I deserve ice cream after this! But even in the moment knew I didn't REALLY want ice cream, I wanted everything to be normal. In all the many times I've had them done I've NEVER seen the needle, only heard from my friends and family who have gone with me how it looks. About a 6" needle going straight down along my spine/shoulders/neck/under my scalp. In the moment it feels like a 10" butchers knife and afterwards feels like dozens of bee stings. I walked out of the appointment easier than when I went in.

On the way home I had injections-remorse and cried that I was worried cause before it was just my body that I was trying to fix but now I'm resposible for a little baby too and worried if I wasn't gonna go into labor I've critically injured it. Tom calmed me down. He said he had a calm feeling before Dr. M did them and still felt good about it. Thank goodness cause Mother-Bear was feeling terrible. I'm sure some of you will judge me/Tom about the decision and I would too, I won't lie.

I took a nap when we got back home but after 2 days in bed I got cabin-fever so I'm at the library to get out. Getting here wasn't pretty but I promised Tom I wouldn't over-exert and I'm not allowed to do housework beyond putting the sheets thru the washer/dryer. To be honest, it toke all I had to do that.

Walking is difficult. After getting injections I go backwards in pain before I can go forward. Moving in the slightest is painful b/c of the back injury and b/c of the soreness in having injections.

So what does this have to do with Diabetes? I got my results from my sugar test just a few hours ago. It was high, high for the medical world and VERY high to the standards I have been taught. My OB wants me to have another sugar test, its a 3-hour test. I'll go in fasting (only 8 hrs) then they'll have me drink the sugar thing again and then have me stay at the doctors office for 3 hrs following to test exactly HOW insulin reinsistant I am. When Tom called me at his lunch break I cried again about the whole thing. Frustrated that in all my efforts to control my diet- its still not enough, frustrated that while I own being insulin resistant for years, I don't want to own what that means past my diet, and frustrated again that I'm getting more sick WITHOUT eating chocolate and yummy things.

I didn't have chocolate nor any super sugary yummy thing. I feel good about that!
I remember in my SDB class the instructor saying we all have two wolves in us- the wolf who is the SDB and the wolf who is are Best self. Only 1 wolf can be the winner, so which one reins? The wolf we feed! I've been starving the SDB wolf for 4 weeks now and I have to say its rather quiet b/c its fading. Its feels freeing.

Okay its time to go home and lay down.