Cravings

I’ll try to make this short while working in chronological order.

First: I’m going into my 3^rd week without chocolate, sugary sweets, and any other awesome foods. And just to recap, I’ve used chocolate as a false sense of security for so many years that simply trying to eat it in moderation is not an option at this point. BELIEVE ME, this has not been a walk in the park. I’ve had several days where I had to take it hour-by-hour and even minute-by-minute.

In almost every moment I was ready to give up Tom was there to be my sounding board. And In almost all of those moments none where craving based or a need to raise my blood sugar but were all moments of feeling  frustrated, vulnerable, and/or antsy.

Each time a “freak-out” occurred I had to cognitively allow myself to FEEL where and why I was feeling those emotions and then talk it through out loud how chocolate/over-eating/eating when I’m not hungry will #1.) NOT resolve these symptoms #2.) Acknowledge I am NOT drowning without those SDB (Self-Defeating Behaviors). #3.) Remind myself that chocolate, etc. hurts me and in no way protects me. #4.) Count all my blessings when I want to play the “fairness card” and envy naturally thin people who don’t have this SDB. #5.) Count MORE blessings when I’m playing the “other fairness card” when I wrongly think I’m the only person who works on their SDB instead of giving into it.

Yesterday was a BIG challenge. I was already feeling tired from a big Adidas merchandising visit the day before, we had just come back from another semi-disappointing ultra sound visit, and while I just wanted to go to bed I had to go to another Adidas merchandising job, plus I’ve been stressing, wait I’ve been CHOOSING to stress about our apartment. {We’ve had several, (6+) neighbors move out of our building alone in the past few weeks. It appears the management has raised rent $150-200 each month. I’ve been hoping by the time we need to re-sign at the end of August the management will have pulled down rent again seeing as people are moving out left and right but….not a single person has replaced them yet…..} AND I was stressing how a Dr.’s appointment on Friday confirmed my suspicions that there is a very good possibility that even with my willingness to change my diet I could still end up on insulin some day, along with the continuous need to narrow my diet more and more in the upcoming years as my natural insulin function lessens.

 Foods like pickled beets. YES, pickled beets have gone from being a gray area food to a black zone food. Where I would justify a banana now and then has become as aggressive in my body as a slice of cake. Dr. Milroy put it this way, “You’re doing the diet 90%, why not go 100%? Because you’re still in denial!” He was right. I do STILL fight it.

I had all those stresses and more going on in my head while I was about to leave for work when I started plotting HOW I was gonna get chocolate, WHAT quantity I was gonna eat and then how I was gonna justify it all to Tom afterwards. Tom must have been reading my mind because he just walked over and wrapped his arms around me and asked what was going on in my head. SHAME was the answer!

I could feel my body fighting. It’s like… it’s like having an addiction and when you’re having withdraws your body starts screaming: HURRY, DO SOMETHING, YOU’VE GONE LONG ENOUGH WITHOUT IT!!! ENOUGH! HURRRYYYY!!!! Yesterday I was right there. I had only been to that level of intolerance once or twice before WITHOUT giving in. I was ready to give in. But I didn’t.

I talked it through with Tom. I let myself feel the frustration of what is going on and all the while thinking and saying- I’m okay. I’m not drowning. I’m safe and all is good.

I wasn’t 100% perfectly happy-go-lucky afterwards but the plotting had ceased, my anger against ANYONE who eats chocolate, cereal, a piece of toast, or even a simple glass of milk subsided, while I felt anxious about work and working hard without chocolate went ahead and let myself feel that way- you know showing myself I won’t drown, I can stand up and be okay. I started positively planning ahead by seeing myself needing/wanting chocolate and making a chocolate run but NOT giving in and choosing to be satisfied with cold diet dr. pepper and mozzarella sticks.

By the time I got home I was exhausted so exhausted I twisted a light bulb in our bathroom which was rusted into the fixture and I KNEW was dangerous but me being wasted look at it and was like, this didn’t get fixed! AND then proceeded to twist it half in inch where it exploded in my hand. I’m still not sure how I wasn’t electrocuted….

Today I’m feeling okay. Emotionally I’m feeling okay. Physically I’m very sore and its moments like this I wonder if I’ll be able to keep up my rotations through the end of August as planned.

As for my feelings about not getting to know the sex of our little one? I’m okay. I have the image of what we saw burned in my mind. It’s kinda like one of those awesome M.C. Escher drawings where you see two different images but only one at a time! The first time I told the Dr. I wanted to guess when he was able to give me a good picture and I said,- “looks like a girl!” but this last time I thought I saw a little penis. The Dr. said I was seeing the umbilical cord but when he pointed where that was- I wasn’t even looking in that space! Haha So maybe I didn’t see anything?! Really, it’s kinda fun not knowing. Our delivery really will be like every 80’s movie I saw where the doctor announces, “It’s a GIRL!” or “It’s a BOY!” Instead of “It’s what you already knew!” LOL

And as for names Tom and I talk about? I’ll leave that for my NEXT blog!

WITH Lots of love and equal jealousy for all you carb eaters!

XO