Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I’m here, I’m here! (Out of breath)
It took me years to start a blog and now I’m finally here! (Thank you Morgan for literally walking me through even the smallest of steps) I mean, there’s Facebook and emailing like I usually do but I thought maybe a blog would be a more visually appealing place to share the same information!
So I have to admit, I got so worked-up on how to begin my first blog post that I spent several hours writing a whole rant about how I’m tired of other people’s blogs being full of superficial NOTHINGS. Though I think my rant was entertaining it wasn’t what I was going for, you know, starting a blog and the first thing I do is offend everyone! Lol its sooo me. (Just so you know none of what I said applied to any of you!)
Instead I thought I would share my latest self-discoveries with you. You know like the biggest, most personal things about me cause it IS me and that’s how I roll!
It’s no news that WEIGHT has almost always been an issue of mine. From the time I was told I was on the verge of needing to be on insulin to the minute I changed my diet was a 4 year span (it takes some people longer to get it, okay?). I was absolutely deep in a boo-hoo mode, playing the “It’s NOT Fair-Card” and all those wasted years thinking if I could get my mind to believe I wasn’t any different from my naturally thin friends and could adopt their eating habits than MAYBE my body would start believing it too and thus eating whatever wouldn’t affect me……needless to say I gained and gained and was more and more frustrated and whiny about it too. (Me? Whine? Never!)
Then came a day, in early 2008 when it all made sense and I stopped. I remember I simply woke up and thought; okay I’m not eating certain stuff anymore. There was no need to talk about it, argue about it, make a big deal about it- it TRULY was as simply as “This is how it is NOW”. I didn’t think about what I was gonna do the next day or in three months, it was about how I was gonna live TODAY! I know it sounds so simple. When I’ve been asked by fellow chubbies what I did to finally lose weight AND keep it off- I knew they were looking for some big secret usually including a pill or effortless work outs that melted off lbs just by watching tv- I KNOW I was one of those people for a long time! But the truth was that I lost weight and kept if for 3 years because I accepted my reality. I accepted that I COULD eat whatever I wanted but there would be consequences and I accepted that if I CHOOSE to be happy with the foods I CAN eat I would have a healthier and happier me.
So there it was, my secret was ALL is My Attitude! (Who knew?)
So fast forward 3 ½ years and where am I? Well darn it I made the same mistakes again!! UGG BUT I am happy to have found the same, right answers again too.
Since I’ve been pregnant and have gained almost 50 lbs. I traveled a full 360 degrees in denial-land, anger-ville, fear-town, remorse-landing, ENVYING-state, justifying-junction, and finally acceptance-capital which I rolled into last night. Ever since the bad morning sickness left I got back on track with my normal diet…..exxxxccccePT for occasional big bowls of ice cream, candy eating by the pack at my office job, and king-size candy bar eating during my Adidas job b/c “I’m working so hard and miss my husband and I’m pregnant and can use the pregnant-card to shield me!” The reality is I was only kidding myself. Again I so badly wanted my body to perform like all my friends’, co-workers, ladies on the bus, celebrities, etc., that I wasn’t being honest with myself that frankly, my body CAN NOT and DOES NOT react to food the same whether I’m pregnant or not!
For the past several months I have been really diving deep to find my root causes of both my behaviors in over-eating and my choosing to eat foods I KNOW my body turns into extra storage and makes me sick. I think some of you will find this very interesting (and disturbing but let’s be positive!)
I use to think the issue stopped at me fearing that if I were in a car wreck and I had a twin me but she was thin and we sustained the exact same injuries, the chubbier me would have a better chance of survival because I had thicker padding as to give me a better chance at surviving some horrible impalement. Like, the chub would pad and protect my organs where as the skinny self would be a goner. It’s not difficult to read through what that fear is all about -me thinking I’m less vulnerable as a chubby and thin me would be more at more risk to be hurt, raped, taken advantage of, etc.- and car wrecks have nothing to do with it. It’s taken over a year of me convincing myself that that fear is ridiculous b/c extra weight truly does not protect me from being hurt nor does it benefit a recovering body. I wish I could say I am 100% healed from that thinking but I’m almost there! However, there’s more….
I have had it pointed out to me (with Tom’s keen observance) that I have a problem with skinny people. And I do, I admit it. I have been indoctrinated to despise them AND to try hard to be one of them all in the same bite. The mixed messages in my brain left me more bitter than desirous to become one of them.
First indoctrination: Skinny women are mean.
From the projections put on me from others, to simple observations in high school/college, to hearing and watching crap on the big screen I learned that thin women are manipulative and man-eaters. They are dangerous and overly seductive, they can get any man they want, they play with men “come here, come here, now go away” always teasing. Skinny women are insincere. On the whole, I view(ed) thin women as my enemy.
Second indoctrination: Men only want a thin woman.
With the first indoctrination set forth and knowing what thin women are like (as I understood them to be)- men STILL wanted and preferred THAT kind of woman over ANY kind of gentle, sincere, personable, emotionally health being because in the end the only way I could justify WHY a man would choose the “thin woman” over any quality woman was: a tight a** will always be more attractive than anything else!? And because I believed men truly did want a thin woman (again, as I described above) - it made me frustrated, angry, irritated, and left in between a rock and a hard place.
I have sub-consciously and on occasions consciously gone out of my way to NOT be thin in the avoidance of transforming into a “thin woman.” Though I sooo wanted a guys’ attention for so long, even to desperate measures at times I still was NOT willing to risk becoming a mean, heart-less creature.
I did NOT realize to what extent I feared thin women, and specifically feared ME being thin until these last few months.
When I have imagined me “thin” I’ve imagine men becoming so engrossed with my beauty that I would be hit-on all the time, that I could and would be tempted by another man and by being a “thin woman” I would only give in because I was selfish and vain as "thin women" are. I told Tom these exact words when I was talking out loud and trying to understand where and why I hated thin women so much and when I said all that Tom just smiled at me. I was horrified! I had just admitted I COULDN’T risk being thin, I would become everything I hated and despised and would CHEAT! But Tom being Tom let me keep talking and processing.
I remembered my Self-Defeating Behaviors class. I remembered the step after you’ve acknowledged what my SDB is based in (fear) and then allowing myself to visualize the worse-possible scenario that could happen by NOT giving into the SDB and instead being my BEST self without any acting or covering. I had used this EXACT exercise to get over “My other Jessica.” And it worked like a charm!
I had already described the worse-possible scenario of GIVING into my SDB which led to me having an affair. But now I had to imagine me being thin and NOT giving into the behaviors of “a thin woman”.
So, there I am. I’m thin, I’m healthy. I’m gorgeous! Thinner than I’ve ever been but thin in a good way not like- holy cow someone get that girl a sandwich-stat! Men are looking, staring and not just Mexicans and Black guys (nothing wrong with that, I’m just sayin’ those two races love me, okay!?). Some guy or guys start flirting with me but I’m choosing to be my best-self, I’m not letting my ego get puffed-up nor play along with witty-flirty banter, I am simply pleasant while keeping my pace and focus on the things that matter. A particular good-looking man says something sexy or provocative, as I best-self I know I am already avoiding him and absolutely not humoring his gestures. My Best-self wins. I am unabashed and unaffected. I am thin and I am a good person thus I am happy.
You know I can’t help but have the words Bek told me years ago just nag in the back of my head throughout this whole entry. YEARS and YEARS ago I admitted to Rebecca I was scared of marrying the wrong man. How did Bek react? She gave a confused look and then laughed! She said, AND I QUOTE:
“Jessica?! When have you EVER made the wrong decision?”
“Well I mean, I’ve yelled at my parents a few times and totally fibbed about how much time I SAID I had practiced the piano….”
“Okay, those things aren’t good but I’m asking you when have you made a life-changing BAD choice?”
“Ummm…I can’t really think of anything….”
“EXACTLY! You don’t make bad choices, it’s not in nature to just fly off the handle and not earnestly pray and ponder over things especially over big things! So Jessica, its nothing short of hilarious that YOU think you’re gonna marry the wrong man for you!”
In a blink of an eye marrying the wrong guy was no-longer a fear cause I got that I didn’t have it in me to do it. The same goes with being thin. Though I know I have it in me to be vain and self-possessed I KNOW I don’t have it in me to turn away from Tom, the greatest man I’ve ever known. Before we were married I was the one who was constantly analyzing and encouraging him to figure out where his issues came from and it seems the moment we said “I Do” or I should say “Yes” its been 99% role reversal! He’s so wise, wiser and more mature that I knew he was the day I married him! Gosh I am SO lucky. My mom and Bek were right, they promised me all those years, days, hours of waiting, praying, crying would not be for waste- that the right and perfect man for me DID exist and would prove himself and even I would be willing to go through it again if it meant I could be with him! Very true.
So going back to WEIGHT, where do I go from here? Starting last night I decided that along with my regular regiment I am letting go of those foods that keep me away from being thin. I am choosing to NOT see it as “if you take away my crutch (chocolate) I’ll drown in the deep, vast ocean” but instead see it as- all I have to do is put my feet on the ground and realize I’m only in shallow waters, I don’t need a crutch.
I know I’m pregnant and it can add to the challenge of this task. But believe me my goal is not to lose 50 lbs and more in the next few months, my goal is to work on my attitude and behaviors that keep me away from being my best-self.
Tom asked how he can best support me. I told him I might have some sugar-freak-out moments which are typical and I have experienced them several times in the process of lowering my sugar intake ,(basically your body gets use to a certain blood sugar level and when you begin to lower it after a long span of it being elevated, your body physically fights it, your body thinks its going into starvation mode and it causes anger moments- kinda like that part in Steel Magnolia’s but with less 90’s, Southern hair and more furrowed eye brows and stumping feet when you just want something sweet and RIGHT NOW!!!) but asked that he be patient when and if I have those moments. He gave me lots of big cuddles and told me how much he loved me and admired me!
So in all today was day one and only for a moment when I picked up a subscription of the 20th anniversary of the Best of Martha Stewart Living including her best cookies, did I have a moment of “I might not last within the hour” but because I had already decided I wasn’t going to give in to my SDB- I was okay and I’m still feeling good! I have to say so far (yes, still one day 1 here) this is the easiest day 1 I’ve even had! =)