Sunday. The day of UNrest.

This week was LONG. On Wednesday I got up and I was like oh man its about time its Friday..oh wait, CRAP! This morning I woke up feeling pretty good. Tom let me sleep in till 10:30 (please don't hate me) and we went to church tho we were late. For the record I HATE being late and even more I HATE missing sacrament! But we were late and I totally take the blame. Anyway, back in December a friend who serves in the nursery told me to bring Ben since I thought he was ready so before the time change we did and he never even looked back. He was a happy clam. We did get a slight "not till he's 18 months from one lady but the other adults in the room said oh he's fine go ahead and leave, he's having fun! Now that was only one week then the new year and new church time, I was sick the first week of January so we didn't go then last week we took him in...ugh because of the time change 11:30-2:30 things are a different story. I mean, at least with 9am church Ben is tough but manageable until 11:30 when all bets are off and then its Ben meltdown but church is almost up so its do-able. NOW, going to church, actually PURPOSELY going at the very time your kid would be going down for his/her first nap is cruel and unusual punishment. I swear it could replace water-boarding as torture on both child AND parent! Anyway, Ben was not having any of it (nursery) last week and I knew it was 100% due to him being tired. However we did drop him off and stuck around and watched from outside the doors until it seemed like he was fine. Tom and I went to sunday school and afterwards went back to check in on him- it was perfect timing b/c he had started his own Churnobel-meltdown. I tried to go to relief society with him but after throwing his sippy, books, whatever was around him for the umpteenth time and squirming out of my grip I tapped out and took him home where he fell asleep without a fight. 

So what happened today? Well like I said I woke feeling good! We went to church, Ben was absolutely and completely squirmy during sacrament. He is a mover and a shaker for sure =) THANK Heavens for Tom. Sundays are HIS day to take care of Ben. We go to take him to nursery and we get stopped by that same lady from weeks prior. Again, the other adults there have told me numerous times not only how they are fine with him but have been encouraging me to drop him off if I, as his mom felt he is ready. So the lady comes up to Tom and me and starts saying how kids have to be 18 months before they can come to nursery and if they let us do it then they have to let everyone. I said I understand he was tough last week b/c church is at the worst possible time (okay worse possible time would be at 3am but you know what I'm saying) but we'll stay and see how he does because I think he's ready. The lady was not satisfied with that answer and continued to say how he WAS a handful the week prior and too much for her so he needs to stay with us until he's 18 months (1 1/2 months away). Now, during this conversation the other adults and there were at least 4 of them to 6-7 kids were just watching and listening. Whoever this lady is obviously scares them because no one advocated for us. Anyway, we left. I almost immediately erupted in tears.

I stood out in the foyer and worked on composing myself but please once the waterworks start there's no going back. Tom asked me why I was so upset. I blubbered out some of my frustrations and just tried to stop crying so we could go into Sunday school and get something out of church today. We went in and within moments a girl walked in and sat next to me and said, "hey did you try taking Ben into nursery and were told he couldn't be there?" I said ya, wondering how the heck she knew as I didn't see anyone in the hallways as we were exiting nursery and I tried to be quiet when I was talking things out with Tom in the foyer. Honestly, I didn't want to talk about it! I was trying to remain calm and desperately trying to listen to the Sunday school lesson but I was trying to be nice to this girl who was trying to be nice. She told me I could always bring him into nursery before he's 18 months and stay with him. It should have been comforting but it wasn't in fact it was just as frustrating, not her, the situation. I ended up crying some more trying to stop, I blamed it on pms tho it wasn't (NO I'm not pregnant either) she was sweet and understanding, having 4 kids herself, one of the relief society presidency ladies walked by, saw me wiping away tears and she smiled sweetly and padded my knee. Again, I was like thanks but NO I don't want to be THAT emotionally unstable, problem-causer church-person. A few more minutes of unsolicited advice passed and then she left and I realized Tom had taken Ben out almost immediately from the time we came in. So I sat there listening to the last few minutes of the lesson but all I was doing was crying. I knew why I was REALLY upset and I KNEW I was so upset I wasn't going to be able to calm down until I talked it out so to avoid more questions and speculations in relief society or otherwise I knew I needed to find Tom go home and get Ben in bed and me some chocolate! 

I hate missing relief society. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before in other blogs. Ever since I was a little kid I thought RS sounded SO cool! And I couldn't leave young women's fast enough. I love the whole atmosphere; mature, older women giving their insights and perspectives on gospel teachings and doctrinal understandings...I love it! For me, I go to church to take the sacrament and to go to relief society. The rest of church is whatever. I DO enjoy high counsel-men's and bishops talks too! Yep, I do! =) If I had to guess I think I've been able to sit through maybe 2 entire RS in the past 6 months. I'm lucky if I get to 11:30 but Ben's internal count knows 11:30, its uncanny so I have to take him out then and wait for Tom to finish in Priesthood or if things are really bad give Tom "the look!" and we leave then.

So why was I SO upset? I was exhausted. Not sleepy exhausted. Just tapped out. I balled and whined to Tom how in an average week he sees Ben for a few minutes in the mornings and gets home hours after he's been in bed for hours Mon-Sat. I do it, I do everything by myself. I don't resent Tom for it and I certainly don't resent Ben. I resent that I'm selfish and I'm not quite sure how or what to do. Tom asked me what I would do if all of a sudden we didn't have Ben anymore. I cried more. Sure I would have freedom and go at a moments notice to get that one thing at the store and it only taking 5 minutes there and back all together, I would have a lot of things but I wouldn't have Ben. Tom reminded me that THIS is how it is. Things, even and ESPECIALLY church are not easy but that's how it goes and its okay. I mostly was upset because I wanted that nursery time break so I could be with Tom and listen to a lesson, to me its like a date, seriously. I was upset because even when Ben is 18 months I wouldn't doubt we'll still need to take care of him because of the terrible time of day. For any one who doesn't have kids I can't stress how hard it really is, you question WHY even go to church!

We talked about nursery and the standard of 18 months. Tom said he sees it the same way as not dating until we're 16. Sure someone can be ready or mature before then but it doesn't change that the rules are set at 16 or in this case 18 months. I understand. For the record I'm not mad at "the lady" - For someone who is pretty dang self-aware I was NOT aware of how much I just needed a timeout that included some good, positive, moral insights to encourage me to be a better person, neighbor, daughter, sister, friend, companion....Mommy.