I had a really bad flu about a month ago; the kind that you get like every 7 years and this was my 7th year. I couldn't even walk a straight line when I COULD walk. It was pathetic. I called my mom in a blur, in the bath tub with Ben in my lap and so weak it took many attempts to get out. She drove up and played with Ben, did laundry, dishes, brought me liquids and hot pads, and love.
That night when Tom was welcomed with sick all over the bathroom, I'll spare the details and just say my love cleaned it all up off the walls, floor, toilet, waste basket, etc and never made a single groan. I would have kissed him but I was half unconscious, under a mountain of blankets freezing WITH bad breath.
On Thursday I woke up sick again. NOT with a 7 year flu again but a bad cold. Thursday Ben and I slept together from 9 to noon it was a tender, sweet, heavenly blessing. Friday I wanted to do the same especially since the cold was worse but I had to go to work. So I thought, "I'll go real quick and then come home and sleep." It was a nice theory.
WORK SUCKED! You see, just a few days after I let my boss know I wanted to give up one of my 3 stores I got an email saying another of my stores was being taken away to give to someone with seniority who had lost an account and was obligated to full time work and this was the result. At first it was kinda scary, I mean, in just a few days I lost 2/3 of my income but the whole time I felt an under-lining comfort and resolve that it was meant to be; H.F wanted me home with Ben.
Fast forward I was asked to substitute and rotate the store that was taken away from me which hadn't seen a Rep in a month tho it was the 23rd, the store had a massive amount of new product, and many other branding hanging/styling changes that where very time consuming. (I just deleted 4 paragraphs of boring details so take my word for it- it was a TON of work).
How much? Mom brought Ben to me so I could nurse him at 2pm. I drove home and nursed him at 5pm LUCKILY Tom had his first Friday night off in several weeks which was going to be date night (us watching a movie at home) but he came home and I went back to work till 9pm when I came home I ate and passed out soon after.
This morning I woke up with a sorER throat, glands the size of gum balls and a bad attitude. By the time we were all showered and ready to go to the library so I could have internet and do my report, it was Ben's first nap time. I was then MORE cranky. Tom reminded me there was a baptism at 2pm while he cleaned the kitchen, made me breakfast since he recognized my level of crankiness and knew it was exacerbated by not eating, and then he ran to the auto parts store to pick up replacement brake lights out in my car, he then fixed. Ben woke up early from his nap and was cranky himself. He didn't want to play he didn't want to eat he was just tired. When he did fall back asleep I grabbed my laptop and walked out the door to go to the library but Tom stopped me and asked me to come back inside.
I was tired, sick, eating cough drops resembling nervous eaters eating popcorn during a movie, and angry. Tom held me and I fell apart. I simply wanted what is NOT simple anymore. I wanted to have a bloody Saturday of no obligations, no interruptions, no stops, just GO. Go do whatever. But it doesn't work out that way. Tom works at 6pm if not full day shift on Saturdays so it means we can't just take a day trip anywhere. Ben's nap times are so important as ANY mom, aunt, neighbor, grocery store clerk knows and more importantly as I am NOW understanding and accepting which was part of my frustrations.
I'm selfish EXCLAMATION MARK I want to do what I want to do when I want.
Time is my weak point. It's the love language I think I most want out of my most closest relationships and YET I'm a big 'ol fat hypoGRIFF (just keeping you on your toes and pluggin in a Harry Potter reference 'cause I'm a DORK) "You never want to insult a Hypogriff, it just may be the last thing you ever do," -Hagrid. Okay I'm done.
Ya- I'm double-standard because while I require/desire it but I DON'T like giving it up. Not even to Tom. (A hush falls on the audience) Not even joking. When he tells me about his dreams during the night before or what he did at the office, I'm like ya ya ya ok listen! I know. I deserve a flogging or something. Okay I'm not ALWAYS like this. I DO enjoy listening and being a good listener for Tom, Bek, Ash, Mom, etc I really do. I know I feel pushed, nay, sucked dry in the time category which is already bleak.
I'm learning a new level of sacrifice. It's not like I didn't expect it, pllleeeeaaaaasssseeee I am #2 of 5 and have nephews enough to scare anyone out of having kids. It is a new level of sacrifice because I live in a box 30 feet by 18 feet so I want to get out and do ANYTHING but understand when I DO whatever, Ben's sleep always get messed up, he's not happy, I'm rushed and then I'm not happy, which then my hubby gets to hear all about which isn't nice since he's working like a dog and doesn't need to hear about how his wife whom he's working so hard for is so bloody unhappy!
I said all this and many more physical ailments, irratations, and bad puns this afternoon while Tom patiently listened. Then he encouraged me gave me good feedback and support. Then I left for the library did my work, came home, Ben woke up, fed him, changed him, gave love, we went to 2 stores including a quick grocery stop and then it was time for Tom to leave for work.
In all, nothing has changed. I have had that saying, "No problem is so bad that whining about it won't make it better." I'm sure I've messed up a word but you know what I'm saying. It's been a motivation for me! The truth IS I don't want pity or someone to tell me how hard I have it- please. I do want to be understood but not pity. Because the truth is someone ALWAYS has it worse. There is someone somewhere who sees their awesome, hardworking husband even less who ISN'T cheating! There is someone somewhere who is sicker, who has been sicker for longer and doesn't whine about it a tenth of the amount I do! And there is someone who was fatter who had the same physical/emotional and probably mental road blocks as me but gosh dang it over came them and again with a LOT less crying, whaling and nashing of teeth too!
Okay I think I'm done with my Scarlet O'Hara moment.
In other news:
I understand what you're saying. You described it well and I empathize with your situation. It's hard doing it mostly by yourself and then feeling guilty when your husband who has his plate full helps you more than you feel you're helping him. Earth life is a school and none of us are perfect. We are positive and negative in the same moment at times and sometimes more positive than negative and those are the good days. Keep plugging along. You're learning as you are going and learning what you're supposed to from these daily trials. Being sick is not fun and look, with Tom's help you made it through. The fact that Tom and Ben didn't get sick is amazing. Little Ben is thriving because of your dedication to him and his schedule. You're doing a great job!
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