The Young & The Restless

The last few months have been pretty tough in all aspects.

Tom has been working harder and longer hours than ever before. It's hard on all of us. I stay up until he gets home. I've NEVER been a night owl, its not a comfortable thing for me but when he's gone I'm nervous and get all dumb and think I hear burglars/rapists every few minutes (of course its only the fan blowing on the creaky doors) Last week started off with Tom getting a call at work Monday letting him know there was a visuals night THAT night at Apple sooo once he left RVKunh's he went directly to his final then went to Apple getting home at 4:45am- this means I basically stayed up that late too since I am a BIG 'OL scaredy cat and think I here all kinds of break-ins happening. Then Tom got up Tuesday went to RVK and then had another visuals night getting home at 2:45am -again along with him I didn't sleep much.

WEDNESDAY was suppose to be the day he was going to just come home after RVK buuuutttt he was asked to cover a shift sooo again no family night. Thursday was long and short at the same time. Ben and I drove out and saw Bek, she's so sick, poor lady and all the while Ben SUPER needy. Thank goodness Bek, Isla, Billy, Liam, AND especially WREN were SOOO good with him! Then on the way home he fell asleep for the first hr and then SCREAMED the last 45 min I was RACING home, you better believe it!

FRIDAY was WEIRD! I woke up very tired and feeling fine and I was in the middle of a conversation when I got an immediate on-set of cramps (note: while I have had countless periods since Ben was born I have had almost no cramps) the cramps were BAD right away, no gradual progression just BOOM bad. Then just as quickly as they started they were HORRIBLE. I was doubled-over and just trying to focus on breathing. I had nothing in my stomach and thought I NEED DRUGS GET SOMETHING IN MY GUT NOW! It took about 5 min to just get some milk I didn't get half it down when the cramps made my stomach hurt bad too- I had to go "THE BATHROOM" cramps got worse and I crawled to the bathroom. Once there the cramps turned to WORSE in fact they felt like contractions! I SWEAR they were WORSE than the WORSE contractions I had when I was in labor with Ben.
Tom took me to my doctor. Doctor didn't know what was going on- it wasn't a constipation issue, it wasn't gas, and i'm pretty darn sure it wasn't a cyst since I've had dozens and dozens and they have always been on ovary or the other this pain was directly in the middle of my uterus. Dr.'s best guess was it may have been due to my birth control, Implanon?
I was glad I was there since that DANG bc has been causing crazy, annoying, no-pattern periods since Texas. I WANT IT OUT!!! I know how flipping fertile I am but I think this stupid BC is causing more harm then good.
LONG story short: I have NEVER and I REPEAT NEVERRR been so strict diet-wise EVER! But I have not lost any more weight since the Texas trip, I HAVE lost inches for sure but the lbs aren't budging. I'm not so upset about the number as I am about what its saying about the possibilities.
I realized my bc is progesterone only kind and at the time I got it I was like ok maybe this will be better for me since I am already so full of progest., testost., and estrogen. BUT progesterone raises LDL's were as estrogen will router-balance that raise and since I'm being pumped full of MORE of it- it is a good guess why my weight isn't budging.
I am also still breastfeeding. That's a good possibility why its not moving either. I AM winging Ben, slowing, but surely.
And my thyroid is still so junked up. I go into another appt with the endocrinologist this month.
I talked and rambled all my frustrations and woo's to my Dr. and honestly, accidentally came off like "Dr. F, you don't know about diabetes and PCOS!" I didn't mean to! I was trying to say that I really feel like I'm getting sicker, my tolerances are way more sensitive- I THINK I need to be re-tested for diabetes or more so hyper-insulin-resistance. Dr. F did go ahead and have my blood drawn to check all my hormone levels while adding he isn't a fan of Atkins diet and recommends South Beach more. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my doctor! What I'm frustrated about is I thought I was being very clear that I knew/know my limitations of food/diet and then he told me to try something that will have me eat MORE than I already know I can't without raising blood sugar.
I am MORE frustrated that I don't know what the fudge to do. I feel like I am climbing a steep mountain, grudging against the wind too. But its not stopping me, I'm still pushing.
I talked all the way home. I talked for another hour and a half when we got home. I cried and talked in circles until Tom said: you sound like you are grieving, grieving the body you worked hard to get and reading/researching that due to things out of your control you may not get it back.
NAIL ON HEAD.
I accept that there are persons with insulin resistance who will not ever achieve goal weight and I am looking like I fit into that category but I am fighting it.

YESTERDAY I realized (while working) that I fight my lot because I have really believed (quietly) that IF I do what I've been doing LONG ENOUGH then I will change my make-up like DNA, everything. It's so silly.

CHOCOLATE- I haven't really wanted to talk about it for several reasons but I think I can now. It's been a month without. This is not me like every time before quitting with a count-down to when I WILL give in again, this is me for ALWAYS. Very long story short, the last month, chocolate-wise, has been the fastest EVER! =) It feels like I gave up yesterday and not a thousand years ago. I am feeling very good. I have been working at really figuring it all out and letting it go. The letting "it" go means not chocolate, not really, but my insecurities. Of course that sounds so easy, its not, I've had tons of freak-outs and needing to talk out my thoughts and feelings but not once have my insecurities brought me to the place of "plotting" how to get chocolate. I HAVE had bad sweet-tooth's lately but that's not anything new- goes with the territory with everything described above. Tom really believes there will be a day I will have chocolate and not have to have it constantly thereafter. I think so too but its not in my thinking at all now. As far as I'm concerned chocolate does not exist in the world any more. When I see it on tv or in the grocery store I honestly think EVERY TIME oh that's so sad its not here anymore, it was eliminated from off the earth!

BEN: Is so close to walking, he pushes objects across the floor while walking. He eats more and more (tho still not a TON) I'm pushing but I can't make him...you all know! I'm winging him well he gets mommy milk before one nap and still in the middle of the night and when he wakes up- like food, he doesn't like his sissy cup. I've tried juice, watered-down juice, he does NOT like those. I made my own decision about cow so I went with it, he takes it (warm or cold) slightly more than water....
Well now I have to run him to his 9 month check-up/shots