How to TICK ME OFF

Last week started like a race, the gun went off and BAM I was off.

Monday: I made Ben an appt @ 4pm after his cough went from "that's not good" to "that is not a human sound" so worked even faster to finish a TON of work so I could get back to mom's, quickly grab some more awesome music visuals for Primary while she told me what I missed in the first 45 minutes of the season finale of Downton (I was cutting Tom's hair and couldn't hear a thing!) and then get on the road by 2:45pm to get back up to Pdx. I did, we made it and THANK GOODNESS I made the appt. it turned out Ben had both bronchitis and pneumonia. I was shocked and felt so bad for my baby. We then we drove across town (in Portland that's asking a lot during 5 o'clock traffic, I know you bigger city folk understand) and even though it had been a good 2 hours since the doctor faxed in his Rx's we had to wait in the grocery stores' waiting room with a very tired, very sick, very fussy and destructive toddler for a good 30 minutes. I had to hold him like a football by the time his stuff was finally ready and I was signing and paying for it while Ben's steady stream of snot and screams waterfall-ed all over everything! I felt stares and it didn't help I looked like white trash; so disheveled and gross from sweating all day at work. oh well haha

When I got home I did a double-take and saw Tom pulling up. He skipped class to come home to help out. =) I tried to do my reporting for work but our internet was the lowest grade and it took ~3 min to upload a single picture and on average I need to upload 96+ per store visit so we decided to spend an extra 15 a month to get the better internet I needed for the what really is only 5 days a month...kinda annoying but then again driving to the library or impossing on Ash to let me use her interest whist Ben destroys her house is MORE frustrating; I'll pay the extra $15. Done.

Tuesday: Same work, different store. I don't know what it is, maybe the location, the snotty Lake Oswego (ie Portland suburbs crowd) but the staff is difficult, it was like PULLING teeth to get the shoe's department lead to do a few tasks which if he had been trained properly he would understand the seriousness each vendor stresses on quickness on getting new launches out. A good year and a half ago one of the supervisors tried blaming me for a box of product being left in the warehouse. Its like accidentally leaving your kids in a freezer. Ah Noooo that was NOT me!

Wednesday: I worked in Eugene and started at 7:45AM- about 2 hours away. I took Tom's car. His car is a Saab and has a lot more getty-up than mine. AND it has a stereo, mine has a tape player =D lol So I got to rock out and listen to song after song, adjusting the sunroof and what not. I got home in the early evening and was pretty tired.

Thursday: No more work, feeling more and more sore in my shoulders and back. I have Tom put his elbow into my back and shoulders and press in as hard as he can b/c my knots are so tight. It hurts like a mother.

Friday: I felt my wave beginning to reach maximum threshold and knew it was a matter of time before the flood gates opened and the wrath therein would storm out and nothing would survive in its wake. LOL Which brings me to my pet-peeve like #1 of allllll time! Long story short I had been completely mislead into attending a MLM presentation. I showed up with Ben who was less sick but still sick at 7pm (almost bed time) planning to do a quick in and out congratulating this person on something that I found out did not exist at all and instead of, greeted with, "Yeah you came, you're the only person coming tonight!" I wanted to scream and throw something. I made it known immediately I was under the impression the event was NOT what I thought it was and how I was confused. Then I just threw it out there that I worked for the top mlm attorney world-wide (not exaggerating) then had to explain to them what a mlm attorney does. I don't know why I didn't just say this doesn't work for me, bye. So I sat down but before I let them just start I stressed that it was Ben's bed time and he had pneumonia- that didn't seem to phase anyone. That tweaked me most of all. I stressed that my dietetic needs would not allow their drinks and supplements. They responded with "Actually, (blank- the company) LOVES Diabetics!" I said, "That's a sentence I haven't heard before." lol

I sat there and just tried to act interested all the while wishing a stray bullet would enter the place and hit  me. Not killing, just grazing my arm or something- give me a reason to leave quick. "Oh sorry I have to leave I really wanted to know what that paid doctor has to say about the products!"

What I did say was this:
"I am probably the WORSE person in the world you could have invited." -They laughed when I said it.
"MLM's are extremely dangerous creatures. You, as a vendor, have to absolutely believe in the product sooooooooooooooo much, to the degree of having a testimony in it that you are willing to risk losing your relationships with family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc., for it!" I know I said a few other bold thing and not timidly either folks. I hope I didn't come off mean though I can see if it felt like that, I did throw in some jokes now and then to even out the rage oozing out here and there. I left at 8pm, now 30 past Ben's bed time, fighting getting him in the carseat, and just livid. Poor little Ben =( I called Ash and was like, "Hey can I just vent like crazy!?" (side note: Ashley, you're the BEST! XO)

Here's why I detest MLM's SO VERY MUCH:
#1. MLM's pray on the poor. They sale the dream of getting rich, and getting rich FAST. Once you have so many ppl under you you'll get that car, that vacation, that watch, whatever. The truth is once you've made a sale you're unemployed all over again. I loath how mlm's suck on the desperate and almost always by digging into ppl's fears, ie. debt, or bad health, or getting sued, all the companies market that first way before the actual product is presented. It's so manipulative. The whole thing is absolutely irresponsible and I wish people would realize how truly disrespectful it is to their intelligence.

#2. They are NEVER about the product. It's all about the business. If the product is SO good, it would be sold in stores; high-end and low end it doesn't matter. If the product has to be sold via pyramid, its NOT a good product!!!!

#3. They hurt relationships. PERIOD. The second its brought up it brings a stigma with it. Case in point. When Tom had been laid-off and I was sicker than a dog pregnant not on the right combination of meds yet, we were soooo broke, we were denied gov't assistance, and didn't know how we were going to get through the next month we got a call from someone who knew Tom had been laid-off saying they wanted to help out. Tom and I didn't know what that meant, we hoped for some miracle of sorts while in my gut, I knew better. It was devastating. To feel so vulnerable (and sick) only to hear how we could sign up for blablabla to virtually help them make money. It took a long time for me to forgive that person, they probably honestly felt they were trying to help but it was so the opposite. Second case in point; my doctor the person I trust with my life next to Tom asked me if Tom or I would be interested in going in on a mlm that was beginning to get popular (and it only costing $500 to get started) I sat there thinking, why on earth are YOU getting into a mlm? Do you need money? Why is my doctor broke? See what I'm saying, ppl?

#4. Upon meeting my boss and the big-wig at the law firm I made it known right away I was Mormon in which he let me know Mormon's are the biggest sellers of MLM's. He contributed it to missionaries learning how to network during their missions. He also added that Provo, UT is the MLM capital of the world. Frankly, its embarrassing to me. I do NOT make fun of my ppl. When I hear ppl make fun of "Utah Mormons" even if I completely agree, I hate any talk that puts our ppl down. I simple don't like the disloyalty. Thus, when one mlm after another is circulating and the ppl are perverting the gospel and their testimonies to sell it, it makes me sick and embarrassed.

Saturday: I woke feeling like it wasn't going to be much longer until I was totally unraveled. I decided last minute to attend a big-to-do music workshop my mom even drove up to attend and my Primary president encouraged me to attended as well. I got there a little late. Ben sat on my lap for about 7 mins intrigued and then he was like okay I'm gonna go explore, bye mom! I let him move around. At first he didn't go more than a couple feet, then it was several feet and then across the room and then he stood in front of the instructor who sounded like she was going to teach us how to teach primary kids harmony and descant but instead just had the group of women sing renditions to primary songs she wrote herself and had the group of women there sing them. I sat there thinking:
"What the crap? This is fun singing, but no where am I learning how I'm suppose to take a chunk of time to just teach the older girls how to sing notes I can't possible get close to while all the other children are bored? And why does the lady next to me keep commenting to me as if I know her or can hear half of what she's saying, why is she telling me she left her water bottle in her car? Is that the next line of this song I've never heard?! Oh crap, where's Ben!?"

Ben had found his way to the very front and just getting comfortable with the presenters stuff. I grabbed him. I tried walking around the back of the room but he was not having it. There was a woman holding a pretty new baby right next to me who said, "I have 3 and it DOES get easier." That's all it took and it was all over. The water works had been activated. The class ended moments later and my mom found me a total mess. I took Ben home knowing there was ZERO way he was going to let me get through another hour long class and he went down for a nap without a fight, bless his heart. My mom came over afterwards and I bawled even more about the 2 elephants that are always on my back. I don't ignore them, I am always aware of them I just don't know what to do about them. The most upsetting elephant: Do I love Ben. Completely!!!! Am I SO happy he's mine AND he's no one else's? ABSOLUTELY. Am I so proud of how sweet and loving and healthy and smart and a good-minder he is? You bet! Do I like being a mom? no.

I struggle a lot with it and talk with Tom constantly. I feel shame and envy how others WANT to be playful and creative and are okay reading the same books 500X. What are my other options? Go back to work full time? No. I don't want Ben in that environment. I pray/plead Heavenly Father will help me want it and that it won't come after a tragedy, you know? I want this a lot. It's way more important to me than getting my body back. I want advice. I want to know how someone like me got through it. Someone opposite of every Ensign article about women who so desperately want kids of there own but can't. Do I not want kids? No. I do. I wouldn't give up Ben for the world nor do I think I'm done having kids but that my desire TO HAVE them is not there. It seems everyone I know wanted kids before they had them, even the surprise first borns were still from friends who were excited to be moms. Is there a "Idiots Guide: To getting over yourself, and be HAPPY (dang it)"? I know it comes down to me not liking to sacrifice AND I know I am Ben's only parent 95% of the time. I know I'm simply exhausted by the end of the week. But nonetheless I KNOW if I got the desire and excitement to get down on the floor and play everyday it would change, at least I think it would.

Okay I've written enough and way more than what I was expecting to write about. It's bedtime.