Processing

WARNING!!!!!! THIS BLOG POST IS VERY GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING!!!!!!!!

I made a BIG mistake. I watched a YouTube video posted on Facebook and I knew better before I even played it. Before I started it I told myself of this might be a very inappropriate prank and its all fake. It wasn't. It was half security camera footage and half media footage after the fact. I didn't even finish it it was Thee single most depressing thing I have seen in this world.
A security camera filmed footage of a child, a 2 year old toddler in the street (looked like China so the street was more like an alley) hit by a car going like 5 miles an hour, car stops keeps going which then drove over the toddler a second time with the back wheels, another car comes and drives over the child and several by passers stare and then continue on while the child is still moving a little, one woman comes over checks the still alive child and then drags him/her to the side of the lane and then walked and then after some amount of time a woman comes over- what looked like his/her mom picks up the child and rushed away. -The aftermath footage is from the media obviously doing a story about these events showing the footage and then filming the reactions of the mother after the baby had died shortly after being found.

I woke up Tom bawling. I couldn't catch my breath. For a moment I wanted to say no no no it was a SICK joke but I knew better. Even if the footage were fake we all know this kind of thing happens all over the world and probably in numbers we don't ever want to know. Please, just talk to anyone who's been to China, North Korea, etc. where baby girls are left in the street for the purpose of being killed.

For a second I wanted to understand WHY did no one do ANYTHING GOOD! I remembered what Rush said once about how people immediately want to understand the mentality of people behind disgusting acts of inhumanity, ie the natural man (man without God/God's presence). But attempting to understanding and even relate to that thinking doesn't help to prevent anything, it only masks and devalues and justifies, and in time deadens the sensitivity of the those who love their fellow man until they are just as incomprehensible themselves.

Tom comforted me while I just tried to breathe, talking about how all those children (one's abused in all meaning of the word) are with their real parents (Heavenly Father & Mother) and safe and loved but most importantly they were too pure for this world. I think if someone weren't spiritual and/or religious how those words of comfort are our way of justifying; of course not, instead its our faith and hope that justice and mercy will prevail.

I know I've mentioned before how these kinds of stories have always been so hard to take, please I've been super sensitive to......everything since I can remember (I cried in All Dogs Go to Heaven when I was like 6 when the little girl sang about just wanting a family, I cried at the end of Always when I  was 8, I cried at every baptism/church movie played when families would talk about their little children who had died and how they grew closer as a family and God from it, I was a MESS when I went to youth conference and gained my testimony for Joseph Smith and of his life, experiences and martyrdom, growing up I avoided reading the Ensign because it seem even though the stories had happy endings I was still a mess feeling empathy; fyi- do you know how hard it is to go through school/college being this way?! But I swear the worse has been since I've had Ben, any kind of report of babies being abused immediately causes severe reactions in me. I use to be able to talk about abortion...heatedly but still under control but now I can barely think about it without breaking down so talking about it is NOT an option anymore!

At this moment, I just keep thinking about what Bek said after the Sandy Hook shootings and how she took comfort rooting from an experience she had when she was little and from that event she strongly believes angels are especially with children during sickness, torture and death, etc.. I pray that when these unthinkable, monstrosities occur they are freed from pain but I think of cancer kids- they most certainly feel sickness and pain. Tom said that the veil between us and the spirit world is incredibly thin and he has no doubt our family and friends, helpers of all kinds are with us as much as they can and their were spirits with that little child. He also reminded me of the scripture about how not a single sparrow falls without Heavenly Father's knowledge and compassion.

Truth be told I'm having a hard time not HATING just about every single person involved with that event (minus the child of course). I know that the Atonement covers all of them and yes it DOES help. I think what I'm MOST so sad about is I have zero control. There's not a DANG thing I can do. Yes, I can be a fantastic mom and teach my children what Love, REAL LOVE looks and sounds and feels like so they will react to violence the same way- having zero tolerance for it. But other than that the world is sprinkled (trying to be optimistic and not think COVERED) with foul people so I have to HOPE more people are like me than not.


Okay I'm going to get out of the house today and take Ben down to Salem to going swimming with Aunt Lacey and me!