Down(ton) Ice Cream

I know I'm pms-ing, well at least I HOPE I am so I can blame my psycho-ness on girl issues and not mental/emotional unstablenesses-es which is probably the real cause but for the moment I'm playing the "pms card". ;)

Where shall I start? Well to spare myself from typing for a hour and a half I'll simply say after (oct, nov, dec, jan) 4 months of "We'd like to extend a calling to you, Sister Clark...blablabla...Oh that might be a problem, I'll talk to the bishop and then get back to you." (A month goes by) "Hey, I heard you're on my ward activities committee!?" "I am?!! No one's called me?" "Oh um..." "Well what would you like me to do, I can help without having been asked yet." "Oh, cool okay, that would be really helpful!" (Two months goes by) I get a call from the Relief Society President, "Hi, um has anyone called you about being asked to serve in a calling?" "Nope, but I'm still waiting to be put into the one I'm already serving in." "Oh okay yes, I think you're name fell thru the cracks so I'll resubmit your name and you should get a call soon!" (A month goes by) I get a call from the same bishopric member from 4 months prior, "We'd like to extend you a calling," (I'm thinking ya ya ya I know I know ward activities member) "to serve as primary chorister blablabla"(wait what???) PAUSE.

When I got this call I was working on our taxes. UGH. Long story short, since then it IS way better than I thought, but in that moment I was on edge. It was like 9PM and I was trying to stretch every deduction as possible, freaking out we were going to owing $$$ even with trillions given in student loan interest paid, charitable stuff, and of course on top of what the government already took out throughout the year. Also, Tom had been in an overloaded-funk for a few days. What does that look and sound like? Half opened, glazed-over eyes not blinking, no steady breath heard only a random 4 minute long sigh every half hour. He gets like this 2? 3? 4 times tops a year. It doesn't last more than a week but when he's extra worn out it makes me even more stressed trying to figure out how I can lighten his load more but the reality is I can't really do anything. It all has to do with him having no "free time" and what time he does have needs to be devoted to homework. And there's no way I can help him with his insane physics, calculus to the twelfth power hardness. When I look at the complex equations with no recognizable numbers I end up telling him, "Well if the teacher assigns you to write how you FEEL about the equations on their visually graphic level- I could help you but until then GOOD NIGHT NURSE!" But anyway- that was all on my back-burner stress/worry when I got this call from the bishopric.

After the guy gave the low-down on what the calling required (me half listening as I was waiting for a pause so I could ask about the OTHER calling I was already doing). When I did ask he said he didn't know anything about it but would ask the Bishop then he paused and me being me got nervous and started rambling and ended up saying "Well between the two callings I think maybe primary chorister would be better." WHAT WAS I THINKING? (I wasn't). Then what's his name suggested I might be asked to do both callings and then asked how I felt about that. I said, "Um well if that's what the Lord needs then I'll do it." Then he asked me how Tom was doing.  Ugh. It was like him asking "tell me about every time you were made fun of GROWING UP!" Inside I was like keep calm, keep calm, don't cry, don't cry. He asked, "He works quite a bit, right? And I think you mentioned before Sundays are your days-offs?" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time! Days off? HA. I started crying and apologized that he caught me at a tired, overwhelmed moment. He proceeded to ask(?) suggest if I were too overwhelmed its alright if I didn't accept the calling(s). I said, "I AM very overwhelmed and Sundays aren't my days off, they're my days to see my husband and get some kid relief but I understand if they needed my help with the callings and I'd do whatever needs to be done." He kinda spoke out both sides of his mouth saying he needed me for both callings but how it was okay for me to decline but I can't blame him because I was saying one thing and reacting another.  I was raised you don't decline a calling but I don't know how to tell if this was me needing to decline or not? For me, I see SO many people putting in great effort for their callings and I appreciate that a lot- you can always feel the difference when time and care has been put into things. I have guilt over it actually! I admittedly am very passive-aggressive about serving, it all has to do with me not wanting to give away MY TIME unless its my idea to give away MY TIME.

The call ended with "him" saying he would check in with the Bishop and tell him the concerns along with asking about the other calling and would call back later. He did the next night (at 9:45PM?!) extending both callings. I accepted. For the record, I'm fine with the specific callings. I've already had primary chorister websites links sent to me for teaching ideas which I'm funny about too. It's my artist-ego coming out, I don't want ideas unless I ask for them! Its kinda like.....hmmm...if you were having a baby and someone is all like, oh hey- you should go to this and that website for nursery ideas and name your kid "blank " oh and these are the do's and don't of raising kids! Um back up, I've got this. I'll ask when I need help! Okay, I'm coming down from my ego-enraged high-horse. =)

I woke up Sunday feeling a little funky, that's normal. I was sustained into both callings. A few people congratulated me as if it were my idea or I had accomplished something, its like thank me after if I succeeded! lol I feel bad- I'm usually in such a weird funk Sundays and I know I must come across sharp, unattached, uncaring and depressed. I'm POSITIVE the R.S president thinks I hate her when I absolutely don't! Imagine the worse version of you is the only version some people see. I WISH I could fake or hide my feelings, believe me I DO my DARNEDEST to wait till I get to the car but I can't. I needed to get set-apart after church but I fell apart right before the closing hymn in relief society (sorry Em) and knew I was too emotional for a blessing even though I KNOW its exactly what I need!!! Side note: at least I got to listen to 15 min of relief society! =) You're probably thinking why don't I try getting out my tears before church or Saturday night? Way ahead of you! That's usually when it starts- Saturday night, Sunday morning uneasiness and then I try holding it in during church.

On a good note. Last week was a great week, probably my best week as a mom yet! I was determined to keep my anxiety in-check throughout the week ESPECIALLY around Ben. I was more patient than ever and it wasn't fake, it was nice. I played on the floor with Ben a lot more and read a lot more and when I put him in his car seat I REALLY tried using positive, non-frustrated tones- I don't think it made a difference but I'll still continue to try and the rest I could tell he was so happy for it. =) And for the record, I think Ben is the best! We were at a couples home last Sunday and there were two older couples there making a fuss over how bright Ben is and how quickly he was getting stuff, along with his super friendly and sweet personality, it makes me so proud!

Last night I def left pms coming on! While Tom worked on homework I made popcorn (burnt ;) and watched Downton Abbey. Yep, I'm hooked. I'm on the waiting list at the library for the previous seasons- I think I have 154 ppl in front of me so not too much longer now! I REALLY want to watch everything before I watch what's going on but I can't help it- its so over-the-top-dramatic, I love it. After I ate the popcorn I grabbed the rest of the mint chocolate chip ice cream (I rarely buy ice cream) and sprinkled generously choc. chips into the carton (dirtying a bowl isn't worth it).

I'm trying to keep calm as it will be a long week, mostly for Tom. Normally, between jobs/school he works 13 hour days, not including commuting which adds another 4-6 hours a week but he also has a visual over-nighter at Apple which means he'll have institute Tuesday morning (so he can park free downtown saving us $200 a month), work at RV Kuhn's, work at apple till 3am and work again the next morning followed by school till 10pm and then up early for institute, rvk, apple all over again, etc, etc.. I KNOW IT COULD BE WORSE! He could be in the army! He could be deployed for years at a time!!! So glad that's not the case, I am just way too needy to handle 5 minutes of that lifestyle; not to mention the emotional turmoil of not ever knowing if they're coming back, ahhh no thanks.

I think Ben has a bug. He barfed BIG TIME last night and again this morning and has had a slight fever, diaharria. While its sad its kinda sweet too because it makes him all cuddly, you know? =) It's so sweet.

In other news: We are doing really well! I had a great conversation with my mom a week ago about all this stuff and got some good feedback about the calling(s) and keeping calm for Ben and how all of our hard work and sacrifice will payoff and be so worth it. By the end I think I'll need to write a book but I, we feel very good about where we are as a couple as a family, etc. We were planning to go see the new Diehard movie around Valentine's but found out yesterday its rated R! I was like NOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOO!!!! Tom came over and gave me a hug and said sorry like someone had just died (no pun intended lol) I told him, "what if the next James Bond movie was rated R?!" He was like, NOOOOOOoooo! Haha He even asked, "Well do you want it to be a free-bee?" meaning we would fudge "just" this one I said nope, its not worth it. He reminded me just this point too a few hours earlier. He asked me, "What was the movie of the year 5 years ago?" I said, "I don't know." He said, "No one does. Stuff gets made, people say YOU HAVE TO SEE IT (relating to R movies) and really a few years (heck a few months) later it doesn't matter." I think what we really will do is go to the Temple, I think we both need it.