The Young & The Restless

The last few months have been pretty tough in all aspects.

Tom has been working harder and longer hours than ever before. It's hard on all of us. I stay up until he gets home. I've NEVER been a night owl, its not a comfortable thing for me but when he's gone I'm nervous and get all dumb and think I hear burglars/rapists every few minutes (of course its only the fan blowing on the creaky doors) Last week started off with Tom getting a call at work Monday letting him know there was a visuals night THAT night at Apple sooo once he left RVKunh's he went directly to his final then went to Apple getting home at 4:45am- this means I basically stayed up that late too since I am a BIG 'OL scaredy cat and think I here all kinds of break-ins happening. Then Tom got up Tuesday went to RVK and then had another visuals night getting home at 2:45am -again along with him I didn't sleep much.

WEDNESDAY was suppose to be the day he was going to just come home after RVK buuuutttt he was asked to cover a shift sooo again no family night. Thursday was long and short at the same time. Ben and I drove out and saw Bek, she's so sick, poor lady and all the while Ben SUPER needy. Thank goodness Bek, Isla, Billy, Liam, AND especially WREN were SOOO good with him! Then on the way home he fell asleep for the first hr and then SCREAMED the last 45 min I was RACING home, you better believe it!

FRIDAY was WEIRD! I woke up very tired and feeling fine and I was in the middle of a conversation when I got an immediate on-set of cramps (note: while I have had countless periods since Ben was born I have had almost no cramps) the cramps were BAD right away, no gradual progression just BOOM bad. Then just as quickly as they started they were HORRIBLE. I was doubled-over and just trying to focus on breathing. I had nothing in my stomach and thought I NEED DRUGS GET SOMETHING IN MY GUT NOW! It took about 5 min to just get some milk I didn't get half it down when the cramps made my stomach hurt bad too- I had to go "THE BATHROOM" cramps got worse and I crawled to the bathroom. Once there the cramps turned to WORSE in fact they felt like contractions! I SWEAR they were WORSE than the WORSE contractions I had when I was in labor with Ben.
Tom took me to my doctor. Doctor didn't know what was going on- it wasn't a constipation issue, it wasn't gas, and i'm pretty darn sure it wasn't a cyst since I've had dozens and dozens and they have always been on ovary or the other this pain was directly in the middle of my uterus. Dr.'s best guess was it may have been due to my birth control, Implanon?
I was glad I was there since that DANG bc has been causing crazy, annoying, no-pattern periods since Texas. I WANT IT OUT!!! I know how flipping fertile I am but I think this stupid BC is causing more harm then good.
LONG story short: I have NEVER and I REPEAT NEVERRR been so strict diet-wise EVER! But I have not lost any more weight since the Texas trip, I HAVE lost inches for sure but the lbs aren't budging. I'm not so upset about the number as I am about what its saying about the possibilities.
I realized my bc is progesterone only kind and at the time I got it I was like ok maybe this will be better for me since I am already so full of progest., testost., and estrogen. BUT progesterone raises LDL's were as estrogen will router-balance that raise and since I'm being pumped full of MORE of it- it is a good guess why my weight isn't budging.
I am also still breastfeeding. That's a good possibility why its not moving either. I AM winging Ben, slowing, but surely.
And my thyroid is still so junked up. I go into another appt with the endocrinologist this month.
I talked and rambled all my frustrations and woo's to my Dr. and honestly, accidentally came off like "Dr. F, you don't know about diabetes and PCOS!" I didn't mean to! I was trying to say that I really feel like I'm getting sicker, my tolerances are way more sensitive- I THINK I need to be re-tested for diabetes or more so hyper-insulin-resistance. Dr. F did go ahead and have my blood drawn to check all my hormone levels while adding he isn't a fan of Atkins diet and recommends South Beach more. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my doctor! What I'm frustrated about is I thought I was being very clear that I knew/know my limitations of food/diet and then he told me to try something that will have me eat MORE than I already know I can't without raising blood sugar.
I am MORE frustrated that I don't know what the fudge to do. I feel like I am climbing a steep mountain, grudging against the wind too. But its not stopping me, I'm still pushing.
I talked all the way home. I talked for another hour and a half when we got home. I cried and talked in circles until Tom said: you sound like you are grieving, grieving the body you worked hard to get and reading/researching that due to things out of your control you may not get it back.
NAIL ON HEAD.
I accept that there are persons with insulin resistance who will not ever achieve goal weight and I am looking like I fit into that category but I am fighting it.

YESTERDAY I realized (while working) that I fight my lot because I have really believed (quietly) that IF I do what I've been doing LONG ENOUGH then I will change my make-up like DNA, everything. It's so silly.

CHOCOLATE- I haven't really wanted to talk about it for several reasons but I think I can now. It's been a month without. This is not me like every time before quitting with a count-down to when I WILL give in again, this is me for ALWAYS. Very long story short, the last month, chocolate-wise, has been the fastest EVER! =) It feels like I gave up yesterday and not a thousand years ago. I am feeling very good. I have been working at really figuring it all out and letting it go. The letting "it" go means not chocolate, not really, but my insecurities. Of course that sounds so easy, its not, I've had tons of freak-outs and needing to talk out my thoughts and feelings but not once have my insecurities brought me to the place of "plotting" how to get chocolate. I HAVE had bad sweet-tooth's lately but that's not anything new- goes with the territory with everything described above. Tom really believes there will be a day I will have chocolate and not have to have it constantly thereafter. I think so too but its not in my thinking at all now. As far as I'm concerned chocolate does not exist in the world any more. When I see it on tv or in the grocery store I honestly think EVERY TIME oh that's so sad its not here anymore, it was eliminated from off the earth!

BEN: Is so close to walking, he pushes objects across the floor while walking. He eats more and more (tho still not a TON) I'm pushing but I can't make him...you all know! I'm winging him well he gets mommy milk before one nap and still in the middle of the night and when he wakes up- like food, he doesn't like his sissy cup. I've tried juice, watered-down juice, he does NOT like those. I made my own decision about cow so I went with it, he takes it (warm or cold) slightly more than water....
Well now I have to run him to his 9 month check-up/shots

When in Doubt, Color Your Hair

Fact I: the first time I EVER colored my hair was on my 14th birthday. I spent the next 8 years coloring so often I had really no idea what my "real color" was until I quit the winter of '04 when I shortly after found out I had (for the most part) been coloring my hair pretty darn close to its natural color. haha HOWEVER, my natural color is mousy-brown with blond and red high-lights.

Fact II: I've never owned a blow-dryer, or hair spray. Only when my mom bought a second curling iron did I ask to have the old one. I used that one maybe twice all together last year. Reasoning? I hate the smell of "cooked hair" and I hate the look of "cooked hair" on anyone. I just don't understand it? Like, spend so much time drying, straightening or curling- all that work everyday or however often JUST to ruin your hair, leaving the ends broken, lighter color than the rest???? It's gross. What I DO own is 2 different leave-in moisturizers and a leave-in frizz stuff.

Story: On Sunday I put mouse in my hair for the first time in EVER I put it in in an attempt to control my frizz and maybe help define my curls since my hair is not quite straight not quite curly. Mouse didn't work I came home from church looking like I had come straight from "bedroom hair"...what must my ward think? -For the most part I go with wet hair lol
Anyway, Sunday I had all this waxy weird ick on the top of my head and I just assumed it was from the mouse since it wasn't there before. Next day, more wax even after shampooing, then the next and the next.....It was GROSS. So last night I had had enough of looking like I was a grease-monkey and when Tom got home I drove to McDonalds and sat out side sucking in their WiFi to google about this issue.

Findings: Lots of chicks writing about it, most with the exact same story- perfect healthy hair, hardly use/never use hair-dryers, etc who all of a sudden got a waxy/greasy issue on the crown of their heads. Mostly its caused from build-up from shampoo-conditioners. I usually change up my shampoo/conditioner ever 6-8weeks but I think I was really liking the cheap but nice Suave so that's where I went wrong.

Solution: Apple-Cidar Vinegar. Wash your hair with it. This morning I tried it. I used more than half the bottle (some even flicked into my eyes- only cool) than I didn't add conditioner to my roots, just ends.

Results: It worked about 85%. It's amazing how difficult it is to get that waxiness out people! It's kinda like if you got candle wax in your hair. GRRROOOSSS

What's next: I decided last night that IF the vinegar didn't work I was just gonna color my hair (since my latest color is a bit too dark from my own color causing my roots to appear even MORE mousy). I really wanted to take a coloring pause since I didn't care enough more if my grays started showing but my thinking is coloring has to strip the wax out, right? In fact, I have a theory about coloring!!!

Theory: If and when my kids ever get the dreaded LICE I'm coloring their head with ammonia! That lice shampoo is as effective as hoping for a wish to come true by throwing coins in a fountaine. I THINK ammonia would kill them- I'll ammonia/color their color their natural color and hope for the best which leads me to my...

Conclusion: I think coloring your hair is awesome. It's a fun change of seen, if you totally hate it than color it something else. I'm such a believer/user of leave-in conditioners and moisturizer everytime I get hair cuts I also am told my soft and healthy my hair is even WITH all the coloring that goes on and I also say the same thing, "Because I don't blow-dry or treat it like I'm making toast!"

Cloud 9 (months)

Gosh where to begin...hmm I think I'll start from the present and work backwards. Wait no, the pictures don't reflect that ..but ...the pictures are out of order really soooo....I'll talk about whatever and whatever order. hehe

Well Ben had a check-up today, one day shy of 9 months. He is 15lbs15oz (with a diaper and socks) in the 2% tile for weight and 1% tile in height. I feel so bad for the little guy he is gonna have such horrible growing pains some day! He's alllmmmooosssttt graduated out of size 2 diapers but more note worthy HE'S INTO EVERYTHINGGGG. He's opening cupboards and banging those pots and pans, he's munching on plug-in cords every chance he gets. He's totally bored with his toys and ready for the stuff under the kitchen sink, detergent and cleaners and stuff that will blind and burn but he's determined dang it. 

Benjamite (as I've been calling him more and more lately) has been acting very close to a terrible-2 year old than a 9 month old. Yep, that's right, he's even throwing fits, and throwing his head back. Tom and I are doing our best to keep on top of it along with his vocal, ear-percing screeches he does- we say, "Hey! NO." But he just smiles back. 

The thing I can't seem to figure out is for the past week he's been waking up around 10pm-midnight just screaming, like PANIC screaming. We'll try to let him scream it out until you KNOW he's not gonna stop and nothing calms him down except for nursing.... He won't have a fever, no messy diaper, I am always watching for him tugging more than normal at his ear, if he's constipated, etc. but none of those things are present. I've been thinking about it and I think there may be a correlation between the days he's had some kind of dairy product and when he's having a freak-out. I've also noticed TONS of gas along with the uneasiness. We'll see, today is trial #1.

Good news though, HE'S EATING FINALLY! Miracle of Miracles! It adds up to one of those Gerber fruit or vegetable containers a day along with 1/2 a jar of meat, which he seems to prefer over the other foods and I'm VERY happy with that! I'm gonna do my best, not psycho-ie of course, to limit grains, starchy vegetables and fruit. Of course I'm gonna let my kids have a pop now and then (i.e. Holidays, vacations). And for goodness sacks, no I'm NOT judging anyone of you who DO allow those things- please. Your genes are YOUR genes and my genes are my genes- you do the best with what ya got (and hope I get better on the other side!!!!)

Also, he's cut one top tooth and working on the other. And he's a pro at rolling his tongue completely over. 

This was the beginning of May I saw Tom holding Ben and starting to drift off, when I grabbed my camera Tom opened his eyes and smiled nicely at which I said "NO. Close your eyes and act like you were sleeping like you were two seconds ago!" So here's Tom totally looking like he's faking and Ben with him "Mr. Concernicus" look wondering why Mom is so weird. The answer is yet to be determined.

This is in San Antonio with Tom's sister Cassi, her husband Bryce and their kids: Baby Keegan and Action-Jackson! It was so fun visiting with some of Tom's side of the family- they are AWESOME people, inside and out! (Not that I saw their insides, you know what I'm saying)

Here's another pic in San Antonio. Someone keeps their house temp at 500 degrees thus the reason I'm red and shifzing all over while everyone else is freezing!

Ben loves laundry time. He likes walking from one machine to the other and sometimes, as seen here, he wants a piece of both (i'd make a bad pun here but I'll resist)

This is a cute little recording of Ben being Ben!