Monday, July 1, 2013

Wake Me Up When July Ends

So June came and went in a blink. Truly crazy. Lacey got married the 21st to her long-time boyfriend Ryan. She looked so pretty and happy! I had a VERY hard time coming to terms with my little sister getting married up to the wedding, through the wedding, during the reception, through that night when I kept waking up thinking "she's totally done 'IT' by now" but then an awesome thing happened. I woke up the next day and felt totally fine and I've felt fine since; you know, because Lacey getting married is ALL about me and how I'M dealing with it! ;)


Right now Tom is doing an overnighter with Apple and among many things that means one is I can't sleep without my buddy Nyquil drugging me up when he's gone but I can't Nyquil-it-up because of the heat wave going on right now. Ben really struggled last night; waking up 4 times and needing lots of sippy refills and comfort so me out of it is not an option tonight. I'm very grateful for the air conditioning window unit we have and abuse. It's not made to handle our bigger place but its SO much better than nothing! Heck it kept our place 20 degrees colder than outside so ya, I'm happy! 

I regrettably signed up to work in Houston for a week this month and I'm trying to be positive and look forward to it buttttt I'm not. I didn't know until after I confirmed I would go that the installs are all overnighter jobs UGH!!! Not cool. I'm a nervous-nelly about the whole thing:
#1. I've never been away from Ben for more than 8 hours so I'm worried about how he'll do and I'm worried I'm gonna be a mess without him.
#2. I get bad anxiety with unfamiliar surroundings ESPECIALLY when I'm by myself. I'll have my TomTom, I'll have my laptop and iPod and of course I'll have Tom ready on hand when I'm freaked out, bawling not knowing where or what I'm doing in 104, 000 degree heat with 1400% humidity and he'll walk me through turn by turn I'm sure! =)





I signed up to be apart of a massive install launch throughout the south and east coast 100% because I want SO badly to kill my Department of Ed loan as fast as possible! I'm still shooting for November but it will be a miracle- it means paying a grand a month from now until then not including paying half that more each month too on my private loans but we're working our hardest and we have absolutely, unquestionably felt and continually feel Heavenly Father's help and encouragement every day we push forward; its ONLY because of Him we have gotten where we are today!

June was kinda a weird month. I threw out my back due to stress and I had some set backs with my anxiety/depression. It's not something I talk about much. I know...ME? Not talk about something?! Ha but its true. I have a lot of embarrassment about it. I had a friend visit me about a month or so ago and she was saying how she got on an anti-depressant and was extremely happy and relieved to feel like her "normal self again." I really thought about that after she left and while I've been on meds for over a year I don't think I've felt like "me" in a long, long time. I went to my doctor right before my back went out and now I'm on a second prescription and it has helped take off the edge. I'm slower to get frustrated and feel like I'm gonna just explode like a hydrogen bomb. It's been at least a couple months since I've called Tom in a panicked, angry crying fit over the stresses of motherhood and distance I've felt from friends. I'm also suppose to make an appointment so see a "specialist" to help find the right combination of medications for me i.e. go lay down in a dark room and talk feelings for a good hour...I'm sure it will be good and helpful.

I have to say that while this delayed and then much prolonged postpartum has sucked immensely I am really grateful for the experience- I mean, I would love to have it taken away YESTERDAY but I'm thankful I've had the opportunity to understand what others go through and it's not worse than what it has been. I've also been reminded of the kindness of my friends and family. My sister-in-law Charity has been such a wonderful resource and has encouraged many times to call whenever "3am even" and I know she means it. And my best friends who have not thrown it back in my face how judgmental I had been about the subject for many years. And of course I'm in constant awe how wonderful my spouse is. I. COULD. NOT. be at the level of functioning without his faith and patience in and with me.
ps- I'll add more wedding photos as they come in

2 comments:

  1. Ah! Lacey's married! What?! Last time I saw her, she was a little girl! I love her dress. I'm sure you were part of the process. Your mom looks fab too. I'm so happy she got married in the temple! Best decision I ever made!

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  2. I love that photo of you and Lacey!! Beautiful.

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