Zombie Land

I survived, barely but I survived.

My journey to Houston started Sunday night with our neighbors below getting into yet another fight.  He's a tall, very fit, attractive black guy, early 20's, she's a short, kinda cubby, mousey white girl, also in her early 20's. Up until Sunday night we ONLY ever heard him, never once her. He's a yeller and there is always slamming of doors like a teenager throwing a tantrum the average being 4-5 times during a fight. Anyway, Tom and I were in bed watching some Top Gear or whatever and we heard "her" being dropped off saying goodbye, sounded like she was in a good mood. Then within a few minutes he started yelling and the door slamming begun and off and on yelling and then another slam/thud and then for the first time we finally heard her; not just crying but sobbing. Ben woke up at the same time and after I got him back down and came back into my room I could hear her still sobbing and talking on the phone (assuming she was on the phone because it was just a one-way conversation). Tom and I looked at each other and I was like, "You HAVE to call the police!"

Tom did and within about 10 minutes an officer showed up, it was close to midnight. We heard him knock on their door pretty loud a few times then knock harder while announcing he was the police and they needed to come to the door. This went on for a good 10 minutes and then the officer came up to our apartment and wanted to know exactly what we heard and how long ago we last heard either of them. Being assured they were most likely still home he went back down and proceeded to knock/pound loudly instructing them to come to the door. Still no answer. Then the officer walked to their front window which is directly under ours and talked into the opened crack saying he could hear them inside and "she" needed to come to the window so he could make sure she was alright or he would have to break down the door. Nothing.

The officer called for backup and police dogs. Then he came back up our apartment and asked the same questions and clarifying details. We stuck to our story how yelling and slamming doors was normal but her sobbing for a good 20 minutes was unusual and very suspicions of domestic violence and we were simply worried and the reason we called. Back up arrived about 15 minutes later all the while the officer STILL pounding away threatening to break down the door if no one answered. The officer and sergeant talked to each other and dispatch for awhile and then there was more knocking blah blah blah and then a knock again on our door. The officer said he and his sergeant suspected they were home and they didn't want to break down the door since we didn't visually witness anything. I said, "I can assure you they are home since they only have one car and its still parked THERE and she was sobbing on the phone moments before you started knocking on their door!" But it didn't matter, we were instructed to call again if we hear any thing else worrisome and then they left a little after 1:15AM.

I was definitely freaked out during all this but once the police left without any resolution- I was WAY freaked out. Would there be retaliation? Was my family in danger? Tom reassured me all would be fine, we said a prayer and then fell asleep awhile after.

The next morning Tom left for work and I was worried to leave the place but I had a ton of stuff to do before my trip so I HAD to leave and when I did I found a note on my door. It said how dare we call the police on them just minutes after they had gotten home and how of all people our toddler is loud all the time and if we have a problem we should have come to them and how rude it was to call and have the police waking up all the neighbors...and how their lease is up at the end of the month and then we won't have to worry much longer. I was so taken back. #1. I knew they were home. #2. If you were so innocent why didn't you answer the knocking keeping up all your neighbors? #3. Probably the most unsettling was he zero acknowledgement of the whole reason we called the police. The note was/is in her handwriting, its way to girlie to be a guys'. I called Tom who was pretty unaltered by it and then I called Bek who reassured me that most wife beaters only ever attack their wives and rarely any one else- I mean it was slightly comforting I might not be taken down or worse little Ben!

Since then the only thing that has happened was while I was gone Tom said he walked by "him" in the stairwell at the very moment Tom was saying "How's it going?" He said, "Hi jerk!" Tom said he just kept walking. Being called a jerk is probably the nicest of all names to be called so who cares. lol

Anyway, Monday was a rush from one place to another. Tom got home from school around 10pm and helped me pack and get the computer, iPod, pull-in crap, etc together for me. I woke up at 6:30AM showered and Tom made me breakfast and got Ben up and changed before we left for the airport. I said goodbye at the long security line and Tom took Ben to watch planes taking off and landing, he loved it.

I flew into Houston at 5:45PM and while trying to describe where I was standing outside of the baggage claim to co-workers picking me up whom we've never met we realized I was at a different airport then the one they were at. Long story short, I thought IAH was the big hub airport and so I flew into it, a good 45 mins north of the one they were at which was a good 20 mins from the hotels we were staying at. So I got a $87 taxi who drove me to my hotel where I quickly changed and then turned around to be picked up for my first over-night install.

Needless to say the week was rough. The company Adidas hired to do the physical installation was a joke. It became clear the first night the company had grossly under-estimated the large scale the whole thing was. Basically, there were several installs going on each night all throughout Texas and several each night for the next several weeks so the company simply did not have the man power they were suppose to soooo....they hired people off craigslist last minute and told them to show up at different Academy stores with a ladder and they have a few hours of work.

These installs were anything but easy. The palette of graphics and hardware all boxed up was as large as a 4-door cross-over. It was intense to say the least. Everything had to be up wrapped, assembled and then brought out to the floor to be assembled unto the existing fixtures. And all the while we the merchandisers were prepping the areas and fixing the merchandise. Doesn't sound like a big deal but the shortest FINISHED install lasted 9.25 hours- no breaks. I actually only used the bathroom once during any of the installs because I would sweat so much I didn't have any liquids left to expel. Then once the installs were finished I would write up the report first thing upon arriving back at the hotel- it took a good hour and fall asleep some time around 7-8am. The earliest I ever got to bed was 2am and that was because that install had been cancelled to NO installers showing up after hours being told they were 20 mins and 10 mins away and then " they say they're there now." I'd go outside look around, walk around the building, no one was EVER there.

The roughest night was Friday. I drove 3 hours to a place called College Station and met the creepy manager jerk-wod who complained the WHOLE time about everything, even his girlfriend and referred to her as a B****. My partner for that install was nice. A soft spoken black guy with hair enough for 3 women from Georgia- we talked about music and politics and all sorts of things, it kept moral high. He had to leave at 3am to catch his flight but he was weary about leaving me with the manager and I told him I felt fine, I still had the 2 installer guys there. Actually, every time I left the area we were all in to go start on the women's side or grab hardware or whatever he would follow me and try to chat me up and boast about nothing so I called Tom and kept him in my ear and just talked to him and once Mr. jerk realized I was talking to my love he would leave and go back to the guys STANDING AROUND DOING NOTHING because well he didn't have to do anything, it wasn't his job. Talking to Tom kept me motivated and positive, encouraging and mostly AWAKE. He wanted me to call me when I drove back to the hotel but I never did. I knew he tired himself so I popped in my iPod and sang as much as I could. By the time I got to the hotel and finished my reports it was 8am. I laid down and for the first time all week I heard my neighbors on the other side of the wall BLARING their tv. They MUST have been old people, no one needs the tv THAT loud! I laid there with pillows over my ears and after 20 mins it went silent and I was like OHHH thank you! Then...5....4...3...2...1...another tv went on but it was coming from the other neighboring wall. I gave up trying to sleep at all at 9am. I showered. By the way, isn't showering in a nice hotel just the best?! ENDLESS hot water, use as many towels as you want, free crappy soaps but who cares, its "free". I left the hotel at 11am. It was the most difficult of the whole trip just trying to get to the airport, drop off my rental, check in, wait to board at 3pm so I could pass out. I did and I did. =)

Texas: I understand Texas varies a lot. Houston was a big surprise to me. I thought Portland had traffic- nothing compared to Houston. I thought North Carolina had humidity- nothing compared to Houston. I thought Florida had a ton of big bugs- Houston's got them beat. I was so surprised how hot it was during the night. The first night I was there in was raining and at 2am (going outside and looking around for installers who weren't there) I swear it was hotter then than when I arrived 8 hours earlier. It was...fascinating! I liked Houston though! I liked that as hot and muggy as it is there is wind and its nice. Even though it smells I like the atmosphere and diversity. The BBQ is amazing, the people nice, drivers not so much but overall I wouldn't mind going back and actually SEEING the gulf and Houston during the day. Though I never got more than 4 hours of sleep each day I was so grateful for video chat and texting! And though I was away from my best friend for our anniversary I was SO glad for the much needed bonding time he and Ben got to spend together.

After traveling 10.5 hours I arrived in Portland to little Ben walking towards me with a rose saying Momma! And though he puked his guts out all over on the way home, being reunited was so sweet! Tom had dinner planned and made when we got home with a bouquet of flowers after 9pm and I slept about 15 hours Sunday.

I'm still fuzzy upstairs. Would I do it again? hmmm at present I'm too exhausted to answer. Maybe.

Wake Me Up When July Ends

So June came and went in a blink. Truly crazy. Lacey got married the 21st to her long-time boyfriend Ryan. She looked so pretty and happy! I had a VERY hard time coming to terms with my little sister getting married up to the wedding, through the wedding, during the reception, through that night when I kept waking up thinking "she's totally done 'IT' by now" but then an awesome thing happened. I woke up the next day and felt totally fine and I've felt fine since; you know, because Lacey getting married is ALL about me and how I'M dealing with it! ;)

Right now Tom is doing an overnighter with Apple and among many things that means one is I can't sleep without my buddy Nyquil drugging me up when he's gone but I can't Nyquil-it-up because of the heat wave going on right now. Ben really struggled last night; waking up 4 times and needing lots of sippy refills and comfort so me out of it is not an option tonight. I'm very grateful for the air conditioning window unit we have and abuse. It's not made to handle our bigger place but its SO much better than nothing! Heck it kept our place 20 degrees colder than outside so ya, I'm happy! 

I regrettably signed up to work in Houston for a week this month and I'm trying to be positive and look forward to it buttttt I'm not. I didn't know until after I confirmed I would go that the installs are all overnighter jobs UGH!!! Not cool. I'm a nervous-nelly about the whole thing:
#1. I've never been away from Ben for more than 8 hours so I'm worried about how he'll do and I'm worried I'm gonna be a mess without him.
#2. I get bad anxiety with unfamiliar surroundings ESPECIALLY when I'm by myself. I'll have my TomTom, I'll have my laptop and iPod and of course I'll have Tom ready on hand when I'm freaked out, bawling not knowing where or what I'm doing in 104, 000 degree heat with 1400% humidity and he'll walk me through turn by turn I'm sure! =)

I signed up to be apart of a massive install launch throughout the south and east coast 100% because I want SO badly to kill my Department of Ed loan as fast as possible! I'm still shooting for November but it will be a miracle- it means paying a grand a month from now until then not including paying half that more each month too on my private loans but we're working our hardest and we have absolutely, unquestionably felt and continually feel Heavenly Father's help and encouragement every day we push forward; its ONLY because of Him we have gotten where we are today!

June was kinda a weird month. I threw out my back due to stress and I had some set backs with my anxiety/depression. It's not something I talk about much. I know...ME? Not talk about something?! Ha but its true. I have a lot of embarrassment about it. I had a friend visit me about a month or so ago and she was saying how she got on an anti-depressant and was extremely happy and relieved to feel like her "normal self again." I really thought about that after she left and while I've been on meds for over a year I don't think I've felt like "me" in a long, long time. I went to my doctor right before my back went out and now I'm on a second prescription and it has helped take off the edge. I'm slower to get frustrated and feel like I'm gonna just explode like a hydrogen bomb. It's been at least a couple months since I've called Tom in a panicked, angry crying fit over the stresses of motherhood and distance I've felt from friends. I'm also suppose to make an appointment so see a "specialist" to help find the right combination of medications for me i.e. go lay down in a dark room and talk feelings for a good hour...I'm sure it will be good and helpful.

I have to say that while this delayed and then much prolonged postpartum has sucked immensely I am really grateful for the experience- I mean, I would love to have it taken away YESTERDAY but I'm thankful I've had the opportunity to understand what others go through and it's not worse than what it has been. I've also been reminded of the kindness of my friends and family. My sister-in-law Charity has been such a wonderful resource and has encouraged many times to call whenever "3am even" and I know she means it. And my best friends who have not thrown it back in my face how judgmental I had been about the subject for many years. And of course I'm in constant awe how wonderful my spouse is. I. COULD. NOT. be at the level of functioning without his faith and patience in and with me.

ps- I'll add more wedding photos as they come in

All of the Above

Oh gosh what a busy, tiresome last few weeks! Ahh. I don't even know where to begin so I'll go in the order its coming to me.

Lacey: Lacey is getting married next friday. That's a BIG "ahhhhhh". I, along with my excellent sister-in-law Aleece, threw her a bridal shower. There were a few things I wish I would have done better but overall SHE loved it and that's what I was going for! My biggest regret was NOT taking photos- what a dumdum! She looked so cute though! I got her a veil to wear and she never took it off, even way after the party was over she was princessing around in it, it was pretty cute =) 

My Hair: Well let this be a lesson for everyone but mostly me. Do NOT get impatient and decide to "just go get a cut" with Ben in toe!!!! I thought hmm maybe he'll be okay but at 6pm, dinner time, and getting close to his bedtime he was acting like a (almost) 2 yr old should be and while paying MORE attention to him knocking over fancy products on shelves the interpretation of "a cut, whatever feels unhealthy cut...2 inches? Ya that's fine, just do whatever you think would look good!" So it really IS my fault when I ended up getting my hair cut a length I haven't been since 2003. I don't have any pictures of it down. It's still shoulder length and layers higher in the back but I miss my hair! 

Ben: Ben got sick last Thursday and it went from not feeling good to a bad stomach virus. He didn't keep much down and it was very noticeable weight loss by the end. He was so cranky and unwell all during Lacey's bridal shower and he just waled all the way home and then screamed, SCREAMED for 2.5 hours, completely inconsolable. Didn't want to be held wouldn't let me put him down, didn't want anything. I almost took him to the ER but called the dr instead. I think I've mentioned this before, I have a fear when he's like this that he's having a kidney stone, they are very rare in children/infants but nonetheless I worry! I had taken him into the dr the day before who confirmed he had a bad spring virus but I think he was having growing pains on top of stomach pains. Poor little Ben. The worse part, HANDS DOWN, is he won't take medicine even under extreme force- like next to water-boarding force! Held down, mouth, cheeks pinched open, medicine poured in and whiling blowing on in his face so he takes a deep breath...but nope- he spits it out of will scream to the point of vomiting and then we have to do it all over again. I've laced his food with medicine...its helped but he knows his food is funky so he doesn't get a good dosage. Anyway, that all lasted till Tuesday just in time for my back to go out!

Back: I tried to keep still and reclined/horizontal as much as possible but that's kinda not realistic. There's meals to be made and cleaned up and diapers changed and stuff stuff stuff! There's never a clear-cut answer of what to do. Sometimes walking thru the pain until its better (visualize Forest Gump running with his braces until he could run straight) but sometimes walking makes it a LOT worse. What I do know is it usually happens when I'm very stressed out, and yes this was the case this time as well. It's like my body says, Okay that's IT, I'm taking over now because obviously YOU aren't listening! 

My progression was too slow, typical, so I gave in and got injections this afternoon. Tom met me at the dr.'s office and held Ben who was so tired and unhappy he wasn't home sleeping and was getting louder until he heard and saw me reacting to the painful treatment and then he went silent. I was a mess but it was worth it. I'm reclined now and Ben should be waking up soon and maybe we'll try going to the store? Other than the appt I haven't left the apartment since Monday. I know Ben's cabin-fevered too. 

Tom: Tom finished spring term on Thursday (yesterday) and did fantastically! It meant he came home at a decent hour and got to play with Ben! A couple months ago I saw a train table and drawers on craigslist for $20 and I totally thought it was a scam but it wasn't and I had Tom pick it up. These tables run for $$$ and this one is in excellent condition. Ben LOVES it. He will play with it for a couple hours a day. Pretty sure Tom loves it too. He enjoys engineering different railway systems and I enjoy them getting to spend time together! =) Also, the Elder's Quorum President was released 3 weeks or so ago so Tom's been acting E.Q.P. he feels bad because its not like he can really do too much for anyone during the week but he's been doing what he can and I'm proud of him. 

Ben: We took off the front of his crib and sleep has gone back to being interrupted. On average he wakes up once a night sometimes more, crying and it takes a little bit to get him calmed down again. Nightmares? Or just knowing the security of the walled crib is gone its scary? Whatever the reason I have him lay on my chest and I pat his back and rubs his legs- just incase its growing pains until I hear his breathing slowed and then I put him back to bed where he goes right back to sleep on his own. Its funny, I've tried to stay around and watch him go to sleep but he pushes my face away like- Mom, don't coddle me! So I leave and he conks out. Also, Ben's hasn't slept in our bed since he was a newborn. I'd wake up and nurse at the end of the bed or sometimes bring him to nurse while I laid there but he wouldn't sleep well and neither would I- I think we're all light sleepers and like our space! Except Tom, he's a cuddler, most of the time I love it and then I'm like- get on YOUR side or at least closer to the middle, I'm on the edge and hot and want space! :S Thank goodness men don't get all butt-hurt-feelings like women do! Lastly, I gave Ben a hair cut, a BIG hair cut! Again, 2 more people asked how old SHE was and I was like THAT'S IT! So I got out the clippers and did the deed and probably a little pay back for MY hair getting cut too short. The pictures on the bottom are not very good but its short and I have to say I think he's even more of a "pretty boy" than he was before! lol 

Dad and Ben playing with trains

Ben sat down to rest for a moment and just watched his dad =)

Ben playing with the iPod showing me up how he knows how to use it better then me

Ben a bit cranky

Ben sick day 3. Holding his sippy though didn't actually drink from it most days

"We Got a Gopher"

Well actually a climber. This isn't the first escape either. The first was back in January. I heard a thud from his room and then silence and then all of a sudden he was walking out from his room. I know it sounds funny but I was actually freaked out like I was seeing a ghost! Like WHATTT??? You are suppose to be in your crib NOT climbing out AND figuring how to open your door ALL in the same moment. I don't think I blinked for a few minutes. At the time he got a talking to and we went over how climbing out was a "no-no ouchy" and he got it. But now, he's figured out how to not make it such an ouchy though putting him is his crib as his time-out place might not work anymore!

I was just thinking, hmm its been a month since I blogged...so what's happened in the last month? Short answer, a ton of little things oh and some big things too. Details to come.

First, I feel like a jerk for not mentioning Lacey getting married before now. Honestly, I think its because I'm finally coming to terms. It has nothing to do with the groom and everything to do with how I see Lacey. Lacey is 9 yrs younger than me and thus I will always see her as a 4-7 year old. So as far as I'm concerned she's NOT allowed to have her period let alone get married and do...stuff. I'm ridiculous, I know.

Second, I've been trying to eat better lately. No that doesn't mean how most people mean "eating better." Like eating more vegetables and less donuts...(rolling my eyes to myself) It means being better at eating. Period. No I am not a closet anorexic. Mostly, I just don't make meals. Tom's only home for dinner once a week, TWICE maybbbeee once a month. Anyway, I've been terrible about BUYING food for me. It's just freakin expensive to buy for two ppl with 2 different diets. -Not that Tom is opposed to eating like me, its simply way cheaper to cook for ppl like him. Anyway- I haven't been starving myself out of martyrdom (some times sure) most of the time nothing sounds good and even sounds gross so I don't eat. I don't eat until I'm literally having a diabetic freak-out and Tom uses his "I'm taking charge" voice and brings me home a hamburger without buns whether or not I want to eat it. I feel like a have a few issues I need to figure out.

#1. Learn new recipes! Tom's urged me to sign up for a daily meal plan/grocery list thing that caters to any diet but when I've looked at examples I get turned off. Ginger....Cumin...Peanut sauce...NOT IN THIS MOUTH, Thank you very much! lol Really, I think I could still find some great recipes despite.

#2. I don't like eating my own food. Anyone else have this weird issue? Pretty sure this is all in my head! Once, years ago at Bek's I was visiting and we were talking about just that and we decided to make each other's sandwiches because we didn't like how ours normally tasted and sure enough- the same ingredients but different hands produced sandwiches we thought were the best ever! I still remember that turkey sandwich..."mmhmmm turkey sandwich aaarruuuggg" -Homer Simpson At the same time I was over at a friends house for dinner and I couldn't eat enough sugar-free jello! (Thank you Kristen =) I mean it was jello and I thought it was the best thing in the world. I've told Tom that when we are "rich" i.e., able to blow money like no biggy...so like when we're 115, I  REALLY want to eat out all the time! I KNOW I'd be getting awesome nutrition. Gosh just thinking about salad and soups and steak and more meat and more salad and YES I want extra Bleu Cheese dressing, thank you very much, please leave the bucket oh and I need a refill! (By then it will only be water, I'll have kicked my diet dp addiction....fine I won't lie no I wouldn't have).

#3. Drinking water- still working on it- stop pushing me people! lol It's annoying but I'm pushing myself. I've had 2 glasses today, that's 1 more than I usually drink in 2 days!

Benny-Booper: He's awesome and better than ever. He has these surges of testosterone throughout the day, right after his nap and again from 4-bedtime where he is in destruction mode, ramming his toys into the walls into each other. I'm actually afraid he's going to break the sliding glass door b/c he gets so rough. I don't mind his moments of male-ness I just worry about him going thru GLASS! Little Super Man.
It's fun to go into nursery after I finish singing time in primary to do singing time in nursery. Ben loves the songs. There's one that makes him laugh and laugh but I can't sing it anymore because it makes another little boy cry- its a silly alligator song where the alligator eats monkeys who are teasing him. hmm maybe it is disturbing. haha it's not meant to be scary and I think I extra like it because monkeys die- I don't like monkeys.

Tom: Tom is Tom! I was talking to someone the other day and they said oh did you get to go on a date then? And I was like ah no? The last time we went on a date was dinner for my birthday- if Ben was with us does that count as a date? Otherwise our last date was in November. Our anniversary is coming up so we'll do something just us. At the moment I feel okay about the loneliness but for now I'm letting my meds do there purpose! Anyway- he's enjoying a much easier semester and doing fantastically. He's perfect. I'm sorry to be gushy-annoying, he's not only perfect for me but I really hope I don't die young (for many reasons) but mostly he'd be snatched up so fast. He's the whole package. Biggest Attribute HAS the Patience of a SAINT ESPECIALLY during the wrath of a pms-ing woman. Biggest Fault -loves watching James Bond (once a semester).

This was my Mother's Day gift! We got home from church at normal time 2:45pm and Ben would not go down he was overly tired and throwing a massive fit so I put him on my lap and turned on my other M. Day gift (season 1 of Call the Midwife) Ben calmed down immediately and fall asleep. That was the first time he fell asleep in my arms since he was a newborn =)

Okay laugh all you want. Ben LOVES Call the Midwife. I'm pretty sure its because he likes the accents and I wonder if he thinks Thomas the Train is going to come on because there are english accents on that show? Whatever the reason he'll sit and watch it for 5 minutes solid.

Benny-Boo with dad. Ben had woken up so I kept him up until Tom got home so they could see each other twice that day.

Okay I look terrible in this photo- I'd just finished an episode of Call the Midwife so naturally I cried and was gross but come on look at that chunky smile of Ben's! AHHH DORABLE!

Family time at 10pm

Cut Above the Rest

I'm sure I'm whining to the choir on this one when I say this winter has been the worse ever for sickness. I mean, I didn't live through Cholera or the Russian Flu, or Yellow Fever or "consumption" ;) but for the love I'm not even sure how many times Ben's been sick. He went from my little guy who I secretly and not so secretly boasted NEVER had gotten sick throughout his first 14 months of life to being constantly sick SINCE 14 months! Even Tom had NEVER been sick throughout all our dating and first couple years of marriage. He, himself has had 2 colds and one of them bad enough he was on some heavy antibiotics due to pneumonia which then Ben got too.

As of late lil Ben's got a virus with borderline bronchitis, throwing up 3+ a day since Sunday. Every time I think he's getting better and finally eating again the coughing starts up until it ends with a fountain of vomit. It's so sad, isn't it, when you're little one is sick but doesn't understand what's going on and they're so crabby and achey and irritable and then its not long before YOU are extra tired and crabby and achey and irritable.

Anyway, whatever the reason for the surge of extra bad cold/flu season I feel should be investigated- like its own 911 Commission report; which by the way my brother Rex is the only person I personally know who read every page of the report. Anyway, though I'm half joking I am also half serious...it just seems weird most of the country had at least 1 bad illness. Illegals bringing in a NEW breed of Russian flu? Alien invasion? (Stephanie Meyer was trying to worn us?!!!) Or our government trying to wipe out the weakest links? Lol

Saturday I gave Ben his first hair cut. It was so hard cutting his adorable curls!!! I had been asked just the day before how old "SHE is" and again a good month before that as well- though that was hardly the reason I performed the surgery. His hair, when wet it, reached down to his shoulder blades but dry was all in sweet curls cos he's got my hair type with Tom's coloring. Anyway, my plan was to cut while he was in his highchair watching something to distract him but I didn't I sat him on the bathroom counter and just starting cutting as best I could with the unpredictable moving child who at any moment could turn and get his ear snipped so the cut is not fancy nor good. In fact, I think I gave him a George Clooney circa '97 when he was on ER, you know when people were trying to bring back the Caesar look; i.e. I cut his bangs too short....

In other news: I got season one of Downton from the library and watched the whole thing in a day. I liked it. Thus far I've seen season 1 and 3 and can NOT find any redeeming qualities whats-so-ever in Thomas and O'Brien soooo I hope there are some in season 2. BUT "Call the Midwife" is back on! It's kinda frustrating its not being made a big deal like Downton is but I'm okay with that because #1. I happen to think its BRILLIANT and don't care if its popular or not! It's SO well done; the script, the character developments, its all so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time etc etc. First time I turned it on I ended up not even getting to the couch because I didn't want to miss even a micro-second of it so I sat in front of the tv like an elementary kid for the entire hour shhhhhing Tom if he even sneezed too loud from the other room! I have yet to get through an episode without crying. Tom thinks I'm so funny for loving a show that makes me bawl! hehe

I'm enjoying my calling, well the Primary chorister one at least. There have been weeks I've put in at least 20 hours of work into it and funny enough its kinda like high school and college for me...the more I put in work the more I feel like it didn't go as smooth and the weeks I put in a few hours go much better. Why the crap is that? I would study hard and long and flunk tests right and left and when I barely studied I'd get B's....sooo there was no motivation to study. However, with music and kids I feel its very important I still prepare as much as I can relearning songs and making sure I have enough music to sing and changing things up often enough to keep their attention since I feel primary music is essential. I like what my mom also says about it- no one remembers the talks or sharing time activities, its the music and singing time kids remember! So true. We grew up also having music playing in the car in the house, wherever and a lot of that was primary songs- its a tradition I am DEFINITELY keeping. Speaking of music. I grew up listening to another tape that was from Discovery Toys with songs about manners, numbers, nursery rhymes, etc. and all sung by the same woman accompanied by a guitar and interestingly enough they are played to the rhythm of a sleeping heart. Anyway, I got the tape from my mom- it was super well loved and we tried to repair it but my tape player finished its time here on Earth and it passed on so I contacted Discovery Toys, emailing them if BY chance they still had that exact music available 25 years later?! Sure enough, they do! So I was happy to order it and its on its way SOOO I have to eat my words, SOME mlm's have quality product(s). I also ordered some developmental mosaic tiles that are fantastic for coordination which we had growing up too.

I think my Benny-boop is getting bigger, well duh, I mean his face is changing I see it happening more and more- he's morphing into Tom's looks =) He minds pretty freakin well for a 19 month old. I'll give him items like his bibs and tell him to go put it away and he takes it to the kitchen and puts it in the correct drawer making sure none of its hanging out and then shuts the drawer all the way. I'm still trying to get him to eat real food all the time but with him being sick I can barely get him to eat the junk foods. He loves the park. He runs everywhere and isn't scared to explore though I'm the one freaking out as I'm running all over getting a Jane Fonda work out- its really not fair I'm not 105lbs with the exercise that comes from chasing kidlets, okay me 105lbs would be gross I don't want to be anywhere near that number.

Tom: Tom's doing pretty good. Started spring term last week in Calculus IV....I had to spell-check "calculus". He's happy he's done with all his numerous Physic courses and SO AM I. We've reunited with a friend from our single ward days who is now married to a really awesome chickabee and we've been able to have a couple Sunday dinners together which Tom is especially happy with since he has zero time for any guy nights so being able to socialize every few weeks has been good.

I caught him hanging out in the back of his stroller =D

post hair cut tho this was right after a nap so its all disheveled 

Ben in mid-cough

Oh mom stop taking my picture

Busy Nothings

March has been intense. Several times a year certain special projects come up, three times a year extra special projects hit at the same time as the others and twice a year extra, extra special projects arise on top of all the others. It actually makes for interesting conference calls- when you hear your boss not holding back on how she feels about "certain companies" to all her 50+ employees lol.

Anyway- the result was a lot of driving. Medford (4.5 hours one-way) I drove to Eugene (100 miles away) and Salem twice each, not including my Portland stores. Ben threw up a total of 4 different times through these drives to and from Grandma's. It's not car sickness, its he hates his car seat and especially any drive longer than 15 minutes results in freak outs. What's a freak-out? Starts by becoming extremely disinterested in all his AWESOME toys, books, sippy cup, snacks in all varieties and diabetes-causing sugar amounts, screams for me to reach back and hold his hand or face until he's had enough of that and then screams to the point of vomiting, screams more and vomits, etc, etc, until there's ZERO way he has anything left to vomit. Then screams because he's smeared his vomit into his eyes; I hold his hand and face again (which is an a horribly uncomfortable position and makes my arm fall asleep immediately and then throbs but if I re-track it- all H starts over again. And then he falls asleep until I break at a light then he wakes up, remembers his surroundings and the screaming continues until we're home. Actually, sometimes he's so upset it takes a good 20 minutes to calm him down even then.

He must get it from the Clark side?? White's love car rides. Only Lacey ever had problems which were actual car sickness when she was young but there was no screaming from anyone...well unless we were fighting! ;)

I wish I could just accept the screaming and be fine but I cannot. To me its the same as putting my hand on a hot stove....just ignoring it will NOT help, every millisecond is torture on both of us. I want to put Ben in his forward facing car seat but Tom doesn't feel right about it- not until he's 2 yrs old and weighs more. I get grumpy like ummm you don't have to drive with him but I know in my gut I don't want to take the risk either. So for now...it is what it is.

My hair- not an interesting topic but sure I'll talk about it. So long story short I did a bunch of reading and researchin' and came to the conclusion I needed to get some dandruff shampoo! I don't have actual dandruff but itchy, smelly scalp. I thought my scalp was totally normal and sure its "normal" for me but I'm done with it! I didn't realize until super recently I had a very itchy scalp- I thought it was my paranoia to the billionth power to head lice that made me itch and look in the mirror almost every single day at my scalp searching for nasties and noticing every single time ANYONE scratches their head in church, making me nervous until I realized wait I am scratching way more than they are!!! EEEKKK Also, I know I took better notice to how my scalp smells icky by the end of the day; smelling musky and oily, and how even deep cleansing shampoos and hot hot water won't even touch the problem. I guess the problem is bacteria that lives in the scalp and in the hair shaft and a dermatologists RX will really treat it so I looked into what the RX is and found I could try doing it myself with buying 2 different types of shampoos- One with sulfide and the other with an acid for whatever reason to have one bottle with both ingredients takes a RX...I was even a little nervous putting both shampoos on at the same time. Like, when this create a hydrogen bomb and I'll be dead before I know it? Or will it make my head burn off or my hair fall out? haha thus far it's worked like a charm- no itch, no smell (well dandruff shampoo is RANK- smells like rotten eggs so I shampoo with a regular, good-smelling stuff to get the nasty smell out). My hair feels SO clean and it stays clean way longer than ever!

Okay enough about hair. Spring break was this week, it meant Tom was HOME Monday and Wednesday evening. Monday we had FHE and Tom took us out for ice cream! Wednesday I wanted to go to the Temple but I THOUGHT I had a church meeting and was all uptight and agree about going to it only to get there, no one show up and then realize I got the MONTH wrong! WE COULD HAVE GONE TO THE TEMPLE! grrr As it was Tom and I just zoned out on the couch together after Ben went down. Ben LOVED seeing dad before bed time- that only happens Sundays.

Tom: had a birthday on the 20th! He got his apple tv he's been wanting forrrrrreverrrrrr. I told him we would get it AFTER we pay off my department of ed loans (sometime in September) and I was secretly going to get it for his birthday but he kept bringing it up and saying how he wanted it sooner so I was like- Okay fine! Ruin your surprise, I already talked to Laura (his co-worker) and I was gonna get it through her, now you've ruined your surprise and everything! okay I wasn't THAT upset. I like surprising him but hello I couldn't take it anymore. For the record, I don't get what the apple tv does. BUT I fully accept responsibility for it! When Tom asks if he can show me how ANY electronical thingy works I usually say, "Okay but only for 5 minutes!" So he's got 5 minutes to talk gaget stuff and even then its painful. Its the only subject I am THAT repelled of- who the heck thinks this crap up? Its all so complicated and YES I know I sound like an 80 yr old! So we have it and I don't know really how to use it other than watch movie trailers butttt....I can do that on the laptop soooo we spent how much to do what we could already do ???? yaaaaa......

Ben! He's a growing and talking more and more and so moving into the terrible 2's! I remember in Texas when Amanda said, "So lately Sawyer's been starting this whining thing that's so freaking annoying- I just want to say shut up!" Or something along those lines. Ben's started it now. OH MY GOSH! Not crying, whining just loud and in long enough suspended notes you DO want to yell SHUT UP! He stayed in nursery the whole time this last Sunday! Tom drops him off, I come in for singing time with the kids and then carefully get out without Ben attaching himself to my leg which the only way off is with a crow-bar or saying HEY Thomas the Train is on!

Last Friday I took him down to a pool Lacey works at where he barfed his guts out after he took in a big gulps' worth of pool water. They had to have everyone get out of the pool while some kids fished out the chunks and other upped the chlorine for a good 45 minutes. As Lacey was bringing him to be he was still throwing up and kept barfing in the shower. Then he smiled and was ready to go back in! lol I think not.

Bottoms Up! He loves holding his sippy this way?!

In an Apple store- Tom showing me how the new iPod works (he had 5 minutes with that too), I need a new iPod AND camera though I hate technology I know I need a new thingy.

Workers scoopin out Ben's chunks haha sorry

I told Ben to say sorry to everyone for barfing (as a ton of ppl left) so he waved bye. lol

Lacey and Ben after the Barf of 2013 

Showing off how comfortable he is showering!

Processing

WARNING!!!!!! THIS BLOG POST IS VERY GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING!!!!!!!!

I made a BIG mistake. I watched a YouTube video posted on Facebook and I knew better before I even played it. Before I started it I told myself of this might be a very inappropriate prank and its all fake. It wasn't. It was half security camera footage and half media footage after the fact. I didn't even finish it it was Thee single most depressing thing I have seen in this world.
A security camera filmed footage of a child, a 2 year old toddler in the street (looked like China so the street was more like an alley) hit by a car going like 5 miles an hour, car stops keeps going which then drove over the toddler a second time with the back wheels, another car comes and drives over the child and several by passers stare and then continue on while the child is still moving a little, one woman comes over checks the still alive child and then drags him/her to the side of the lane and then walked and then after some amount of time a woman comes over- what looked like his/her mom picks up the child and rushed away. -The aftermath footage is from the media obviously doing a story about these events showing the footage and then filming the reactions of the mother after the baby had died shortly after being found.

I woke up Tom bawling. I couldn't catch my breath. For a moment I wanted to say no no no it was a SICK joke but I knew better. Even if the footage were fake we all know this kind of thing happens all over the world and probably in numbers we don't ever want to know. Please, just talk to anyone who's been to China, North Korea, etc. where baby girls are left in the street for the purpose of being killed.

For a second I wanted to understand WHY did no one do ANYTHING GOOD! I remembered what Rush said once about how people immediately want to understand the mentality of people behind disgusting acts of inhumanity, ie the natural man (man without God/God's presence). But attempting to understanding and even relate to that thinking doesn't help to prevent anything, it only masks and devalues and justifies, and in time deadens the sensitivity of the those who love their fellow man until they are just as incomprehensible themselves.

Tom comforted me while I just tried to breathe, talking about how all those children (one's abused in all meaning of the word) are with their real parents (Heavenly Father & Mother) and safe and loved but most importantly they were too pure for this world. I think if someone weren't spiritual and/or religious how those words of comfort are our way of justifying; of course not, instead its our faith and hope that justice and mercy will prevail.

I know I've mentioned before how these kinds of stories have always been so hard to take, please I've been super sensitive to......everything since I can remember (I cried in All Dogs Go to Heaven when I was like 6 when the little girl sang about just wanting a family, I cried at the end of Always when I  was 8, I cried at every baptism/church movie played when families would talk about their little children who had died and how they grew closer as a family and God from it, I was a MESS when I went to youth conference and gained my testimony for Joseph Smith and of his life, experiences and martyrdom, growing up I avoided reading the Ensign because it seem even though the stories had happy endings I was still a mess feeling empathy; fyi- do you know how hard it is to go through school/college being this way?! But I swear the worse has been since I've had Ben, any kind of report of babies being abused immediately causes severe reactions in me. I use to be able to talk about abortion...heatedly but still under control but now I can barely think about it without breaking down so talking about it is NOT an option anymore!

At this moment, I just keep thinking about what Bek said after the Sandy Hook shootings and how she took comfort rooting from an experience she had when she was little and from that event she strongly believes angels are especially with children during sickness, torture and death, etc.. I pray that when these unthinkable, monstrosities occur they are freed from pain but I think of cancer kids- they most certainly feel sickness and pain. Tom said that the veil between us and the spirit world is incredibly thin and he has no doubt our family and friends, helpers of all kinds are with us as much as they can and their were spirits with that little child. He also reminded me of the scripture about how not a single sparrow falls without Heavenly Father's knowledge and compassion.

Truth be told I'm having a hard time not HATING just about every single person involved with that event (minus the child of course). I know that the Atonement covers all of them and yes it DOES help. I think what I'm MOST so sad about is I have zero control. There's not a DANG thing I can do. Yes, I can be a fantastic mom and teach my children what Love, REAL LOVE looks and sounds and feels like so they will react to violence the same way- having zero tolerance for it. But other than that the world is sprinkled (trying to be optimistic and not think COVERED) with foul people so I have to HOPE more people are like me than not.


Okay I'm going to get out of the house today and take Ben down to Salem to going swimming with Aunt Lacey and me!