The last few months have been pretty tough in all aspects.
Tom has been working harder and longer hours than ever before. It's hard on all of us. I stay up until he gets home. I've NEVER been a night owl, its not a comfortable thing for me but when he's gone I'm nervous and get all dumb and think I hear burglars/rapists every few minutes (of course its only the fan blowing on the creaky doors) Last week started off with Tom getting a call at work Monday letting him know there was a visuals night THAT night at Apple sooo once he left RVKunh's he went directly to his final then went to Apple getting home at 4:45am- this means I basically stayed up that late too since I am a BIG 'OL scaredy cat and think I here all kinds of break-ins happening. Then Tom got up Tuesday went to RVK and then had another visuals night getting home at 2:45am -again along with him I didn't sleep much.
WEDNESDAY was suppose to be the day he was going to just come home after RVK buuuutttt he was asked to cover a shift sooo again no family night. Thursday was long and short at the same time. Ben and I drove out and saw Bek, she's so sick, poor lady and all the while Ben SUPER needy. Thank goodness Bek, Isla, Billy, Liam, AND especially WREN were SOOO good with him! Then on the way home he fell asleep for the first hr and then SCREAMED the last 45 min I was RACING home, you better believe it!
FRIDAY was WEIRD! I woke up very tired and feeling fine and I was in the middle of a conversation when I got an immediate on-set of cramps (note: while I have had countless periods since Ben was born I have had almost no cramps) the cramps were BAD right away, no gradual progression just BOOM bad. Then just as quickly as they started they were HORRIBLE. I was doubled-over and just trying to focus on breathing. I had nothing in my stomach and thought I NEED DRUGS GET SOMETHING IN MY GUT NOW! It took about 5 min to just get some milk I didn't get half it down when the cramps made my stomach hurt bad too- I had to go "THE BATHROOM" cramps got worse and I crawled to the bathroom. Once there the cramps turned to WORSE in fact they felt like contractions! I SWEAR they were WORSE than the WORSE contractions I had when I was in labor with Ben.
Tom took me to my doctor. Doctor didn't know what was going on- it wasn't a constipation issue, it wasn't gas, and i'm pretty darn sure it wasn't a cyst since I've had dozens and dozens and they have always been on ovary or the other this pain was directly in the middle of my uterus. Dr.'s best guess was it may have been due to my birth control, Implanon?
I was glad I was there since that DANG bc has been causing crazy, annoying, no-pattern periods since Texas. I WANT IT OUT!!! I know how flipping fertile I am but I think this stupid BC is causing more harm then good.
LONG story short: I have NEVER and I REPEAT NEVERRR been so strict diet-wise EVER! But I have not lost any more weight since the Texas trip, I HAVE lost inches for sure but the lbs aren't budging. I'm not so upset about the number as I am about what its saying about the possibilities.
I realized my bc is progesterone only kind and at the time I got it I was like ok maybe this will be better for me since I am already so full of progest., testost., and estrogen. BUT progesterone raises LDL's were as estrogen will router-balance that raise and since I'm being pumped full of MORE of it- it is a good guess why my weight isn't budging.
I am also still breastfeeding. That's a good possibility why its not moving either. I AM winging Ben, slowing, but surely.
And my thyroid is still so junked up. I go into another appt with the endocrinologist this month.
I talked and rambled all my frustrations and woo's to my Dr. and honestly, accidentally came off like "Dr. F, you don't know about diabetes and PCOS!" I didn't mean to! I was trying to say that I really feel like I'm getting sicker, my tolerances are way more sensitive- I THINK I need to be re-tested for diabetes or more so hyper-insulin-resistance. Dr. F did go ahead and have my blood drawn to check all my hormone levels while adding he isn't a fan of Atkins diet and recommends South Beach more. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my doctor! What I'm frustrated about is I thought I was being very clear that I knew/know my limitations of food/diet and then he told me to try something that will have me eat MORE than I already know I can't without raising blood sugar.
I am MORE frustrated that I don't know what the fudge to do. I feel like I am climbing a steep mountain, grudging against the wind too. But its not stopping me, I'm still pushing.
I talked all the way home. I talked for another hour and a half when we got home. I cried and talked in circles until Tom said: you sound like you are grieving, grieving the body you worked hard to get and reading/researching that due to things out of your control you may not get it back.
NAIL ON HEAD.
I accept that there are persons with insulin resistance who will not ever achieve goal weight and I am looking like I fit into that category but I am fighting it.
YESTERDAY I realized (while working) that I fight my lot because I have really believed (quietly) that IF I do what I've been doing LONG ENOUGH then I will change my make-up like DNA, everything. It's so silly.
CHOCOLATE- I haven't really wanted to talk about it for several reasons but I think I can now. It's been a month without. This is not me like every time before quitting with a count-down to when I WILL give in again, this is me for ALWAYS. Very long story short, the last month, chocolate-wise, has been the fastest EVER! =) It feels like I gave up yesterday and not a thousand years ago. I am feeling very good. I have been working at really figuring it all out and letting it go. The letting "it" go means not chocolate, not really, but my insecurities. Of course that sounds so easy, its not, I've had tons of freak-outs and needing to talk out my thoughts and feelings but not once have my insecurities brought me to the place of "plotting" how to get chocolate. I HAVE had bad sweet-tooth's lately but that's not anything new- goes with the territory with everything described above. Tom really believes there will be a day I will have chocolate and not have to have it constantly thereafter. I think so too but its not in my thinking at all now. As far as I'm concerned chocolate does not exist in the world any more. When I see it on tv or in the grocery store I honestly think EVERY TIME oh that's so sad its not here anymore, it was eliminated from off the earth!
BEN: Is so close to walking, he pushes objects across the floor while walking. He eats more and more (tho still not a TON) I'm pushing but I can't make him...you all know! I'm winging him well he gets mommy milk before one nap and still in the middle of the night and when he wakes up- like food, he doesn't like his sissy cup. I've tried juice, watered-down juice, he does NOT like those. I made my own decision about cow so I went with it, he takes it (warm or cold) slightly more than water....
Well now I have to run him to his 9 month check-up/shots
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
When in Doubt, Color Your Hair
Fact I: the first time I EVER colored my hair was on my 14th birthday. I spent the next 8 years coloring so often I had really no idea what my "real color" was until I quit the winter of '04 when I shortly after found out I had (for the most part) been coloring my hair pretty darn close to its natural color. haha HOWEVER, my natural color is mousy-brown with blond and red high-lights.
Fact II: I've never owned a blow-dryer, or hair spray. Only when my mom bought a second curling iron did I ask to have the old one. I used that one maybe twice all together last year. Reasoning? I hate the smell of "cooked hair" and I hate the look of "cooked hair" on anyone. I just don't understand it? Like, spend so much time drying, straightening or curling- all that work everyday or however often JUST to ruin your hair, leaving the ends broken, lighter color than the rest???? It's gross. What I DO own is 2 different leave-in moisturizers and a leave-in frizz stuff.
Story: On Sunday I put mouse in my hair for the first time in EVER I put it in in an attempt to control my frizz and maybe help define my curls since my hair is not quite straight not quite curly. Mouse didn't work I came home from church looking like I had come straight from "bedroom hair"...what must my ward think? -For the most part I go with wet hair lol
Anyway, Sunday I had all this waxy weird ick on the top of my head and I just assumed it was from the mouse since it wasn't there before. Next day, more wax even after shampooing, then the next and the next.....It was GROSS. So last night I had had enough of looking like I was a grease-monkey and when Tom got home I drove to McDonalds and sat out side sucking in their WiFi to google about this issue.
Findings: Lots of chicks writing about it, most with the exact same story- perfect healthy hair, hardly use/never use hair-dryers, etc who all of a sudden got a waxy/greasy issue on the crown of their heads. Mostly its caused from build-up from shampoo-conditioners. I usually change up my shampoo/conditioner ever 6-8weeks but I think I was really liking the cheap but nice Suave so that's where I went wrong.
Solution: Apple-Cidar Vinegar. Wash your hair with it. This morning I tried it. I used more than half the bottle (some even flicked into my eyes- only cool) than I didn't add conditioner to my roots, just ends.
Results: It worked about 85%. It's amazing how difficult it is to get that waxiness out people! It's kinda like if you got candle wax in your hair. GRRROOOSSS
What's next: I decided last night that IF the vinegar didn't work I was just gonna color my hair (since my latest color is a bit too dark from my own color causing my roots to appear even MORE mousy). I really wanted to take a coloring pause since I didn't care enough more if my grays started showing but my thinking is coloring has to strip the wax out, right? In fact, I have a theory about coloring!!!
Theory: If and when my kids ever get the dreaded LICE I'm coloring their head with ammonia! That lice shampoo is as effective as hoping for a wish to come true by throwing coins in a fountaine. I THINK ammonia would kill them- I'll ammonia/color their color their natural color and hope for the best which leads me to my...
Conclusion: I think coloring your hair is awesome. It's a fun change of seen, if you totally hate it than color it something else. I'm such a believer/user of leave-in conditioners and moisturizer everytime I get hair cuts I also am told my soft and healthy my hair is even WITH all the coloring that goes on and I also say the same thing, "Because I don't blow-dry or treat it like I'm making toast!"
Fact II: I've never owned a blow-dryer, or hair spray. Only when my mom bought a second curling iron did I ask to have the old one. I used that one maybe twice all together last year. Reasoning? I hate the smell of "cooked hair" and I hate the look of "cooked hair" on anyone. I just don't understand it? Like, spend so much time drying, straightening or curling- all that work everyday or however often JUST to ruin your hair, leaving the ends broken, lighter color than the rest???? It's gross. What I DO own is 2 different leave-in moisturizers and a leave-in frizz stuff.
Story: On Sunday I put mouse in my hair for the first time in EVER I put it in in an attempt to control my frizz and maybe help define my curls since my hair is not quite straight not quite curly. Mouse didn't work I came home from church looking like I had come straight from "bedroom hair"...what must my ward think? -For the most part I go with wet hair lol
Anyway, Sunday I had all this waxy weird ick on the top of my head and I just assumed it was from the mouse since it wasn't there before. Next day, more wax even after shampooing, then the next and the next.....It was GROSS. So last night I had had enough of looking like I was a grease-monkey and when Tom got home I drove to McDonalds and sat out side sucking in their WiFi to google about this issue.
Findings: Lots of chicks writing about it, most with the exact same story- perfect healthy hair, hardly use/never use hair-dryers, etc who all of a sudden got a waxy/greasy issue on the crown of their heads. Mostly its caused from build-up from shampoo-conditioners. I usually change up my shampoo/conditioner ever 6-8weeks but I think I was really liking the cheap but nice Suave so that's where I went wrong.
Solution: Apple-Cidar Vinegar. Wash your hair with it. This morning I tried it. I used more than half the bottle (some even flicked into my eyes- only cool) than I didn't add conditioner to my roots, just ends.
Results: It worked about 85%. It's amazing how difficult it is to get that waxiness out people! It's kinda like if you got candle wax in your hair. GRRROOOSSS
What's next: I decided last night that IF the vinegar didn't work I was just gonna color my hair (since my latest color is a bit too dark from my own color causing my roots to appear even MORE mousy). I really wanted to take a coloring pause since I didn't care enough more if my grays started showing but my thinking is coloring has to strip the wax out, right? In fact, I have a theory about coloring!!!
Theory: If and when my kids ever get the dreaded LICE I'm coloring their head with ammonia! That lice shampoo is as effective as hoping for a wish to come true by throwing coins in a fountaine. I THINK ammonia would kill them- I'll ammonia/color their color their natural color and hope for the best which leads me to my...
Conclusion: I think coloring your hair is awesome. It's a fun change of seen, if you totally hate it than color it something else. I'm such a believer/user of leave-in conditioners and moisturizer everytime I get hair cuts I also am told my soft and healthy my hair is even WITH all the coloring that goes on and I also say the same thing, "Because I don't blow-dry or treat it like I'm making toast!"
Monday, June 4, 2012
Cloud 9 (months)
Gosh where to begin...hmm I think I'll start from the present and work backwards. Wait no, the pictures don't reflect that ..but ...the pictures are out of order really soooo....I'll talk about whatever and whatever order. hehe
Well Ben had a check-up today, one day shy of 9 months. He is 15lbs15oz (with a diaper and socks) in the 2% tile for weight and 1% tile in height. I feel so bad for the little guy he is gonna have such horrible growing pains some day! He's alllmmmooosssttt graduated out of size 2 diapers but more note worthy HE'S INTO EVERYTHINGGGG. He's opening cupboards and banging those pots and pans, he's munching on plug-in cords every chance he gets. He's totally bored with his toys and ready for the stuff under the kitchen sink, detergent and cleaners and stuff that will blind and burn but he's determined dang it.
Benjamite (as I've been calling him more and more lately) has been acting very close to a terrible-2 year old than a 9 month old. Yep, that's right, he's even throwing fits, and throwing his head back. Tom and I are doing our best to keep on top of it along with his vocal, ear-percing screeches he does- we say, "Hey! NO." But he just smiles back.
The thing I can't seem to figure out is for the past week he's been waking up around 10pm-midnight just screaming, like PANIC screaming. We'll try to let him scream it out until you KNOW he's not gonna stop and nothing calms him down except for nursing.... He won't have a fever, no messy diaper, I am always watching for him tugging more than normal at his ear, if he's constipated, etc. but none of those things are present. I've been thinking about it and I think there may be a correlation between the days he's had some kind of dairy product and when he's having a freak-out. I've also noticed TONS of gas along with the uneasiness. We'll see, today is trial #1.
Good news though, HE'S EATING FINALLY! Miracle of Miracles! It adds up to one of those Gerber fruit or vegetable containers a day along with 1/2 a jar of meat, which he seems to prefer over the other foods and I'm VERY happy with that! I'm gonna do my best, not psycho-ie of course, to limit grains, starchy vegetables and fruit. Of course I'm gonna let my kids have a pop now and then (i.e. Holidays, vacations). And for goodness sacks, no I'm NOT judging anyone of you who DO allow those things- please. Your genes are YOUR genes and my genes are my genes- you do the best with what ya got (and hope I get better on the other side!!!!)
Also, he's cut one top tooth and working on the other. And he's a pro at rolling his tongue completely over.
This was the beginning of May I saw Tom holding Ben and starting to drift off, when I grabbed my camera Tom opened his eyes and smiled nicely at which I said "NO. Close your eyes and act like you were sleeping like you were two seconds ago!" So here's Tom totally looking like he's faking and Ben with him "Mr. Concernicus" look wondering why Mom is so weird. The answer is yet to be determined.
This is in San Antonio with Tom's sister Cassi, her husband Bryce and their kids: Baby Keegan and Action-Jackson! It was so fun visiting with some of Tom's side of the family- they are AWESOME people, inside and out! (Not that I saw their insides, you know what I'm saying)
Here's another pic in San Antonio. Someone keeps their house temp at 500 degrees thus the reason I'm red and shifzing all over while everyone else is freezing!
Ben loves laundry time. He likes walking from one machine to the other and sometimes, as seen here, he wants a piece of both (i'd make a bad pun here but I'll resist)
This is a cute little recording of Ben being Ben!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
*insert Side-Show-Bob groan*
Anyone who loves The Simpson's is familiar with the unique groan Side-Show-Bob (voice of Kelsea Grammar) growls when he steps on a rake and whacks his face. Here let me just help (since many of you grew up in the sad shadows never knowing the sweet, sweet love that is The Simpson's)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EryhQdXTjP8
Heads-up everyone this is a true Jessica SOAP BOX MOMENT!
Sooo it started once I got married, the roar that was my passion for romantic-comedies began to flicker, and even turn to cinder. Why? Because for 99.2% of them were/are complete cod-swallup. Truly, they are soooo forced, disturbing hour and a half films repeats of two themes:
The chick is in a lame relationship, goes away on a business trip AND/OR boyfriend/fiance does, she cheats, runs away and then the realizes she's in-love with #2 and #1 was a selfish %#!$@^$ who didn't pay her ENOUGH attention that she "deserved" thus "justifying" cheating, especially AS LONG as it's to realize you're in a relationship you didn't want AND consequently cheating with real "The ONE" (gag)
ORRRRrrrr
The chick is poor and Mr. Rich-pants woo's her BUT of course after 45 mins of her brow lashing Mr. Rich-Pants (and the audience) how he should feel guilty for being rich and she's SO great b/c she's "devoted" her life non-profit bla bla bla.... they end up getting it on, he choose to do a business transaction that's completely LEGAL but she's morally against, she runs, he fellows and apologizes and swears to give up the "EVIL" capitalist business and they end up together in the end. (bigger gag)
Why do these pathetic movies make me so mad? Easy. Because not a single one is LOVE. Yes, the films are categorized as "Romantic Comedies" and not "True Love" I get it however, this crap is branded, labeled and slapped in our faces as such and girls, young girls then believe its those kinds of themes and actions of the characters are realistic and more disturbing...ACCEPTED!
And YEEESSSsssss I do see the irony of my own "Love Story" beginnings, full of epic selfish cheating, and me running away only to be chased and woo'ed. LOL Gosh that feels like a long time ago. (Anyone interested who hasn't heard all the nasty details can call me, its a GREAT story). So why is MY story different? For a few reasons...but in short I'll say it's different b/c while were we apart (before we were officially dating, NOT exclusive before, and certainly not engaged or married) we both worked really hard on mending our individual self-defeating behaviors. It's by the sweet guidance of God beer cans half full of beer and molded with tobacco leaked all over the pad of my trunk that fateful hot, summers day THUS I needed a hose (and TONS of cleaner) to get it out and the person I called who I knew had a hose (no sexual pun intended) was Tom, to which we fell in love with each others BEST SELF! hehe
Okay, me being me has digressed terribly. I wasn't even planning to talk about all this! My point (taking in a new, deep breath) is of the crap I see on tv. The crap I see from just the one channel we get that isn't even on most of the time! Crap that is advertising junk. But here's the reason I'm soap-boxing tonight....it makes me cringe that I see that crap entertainment being bragged about on FB from married women, married LDS women no less, excited to go watch a movie with a supposedly "hot guy in hollywood" who's a stripper and "TOTALLY going to see this movie of course husband won't come with me girls? Who's with me?!" It makes me want to barf. Why do I even care. Because behind my anger is sadness, to be honest.
Can you IMAGINE one of your friends' husbands, or heck YOUR husband getting ALL excited when a trailer for a movie with a "perfectly in-shape hot chick" is a stripper and that husband publicizing how he's "TOTALLY gonna go see it, and of course his wife or YOU won't be going with him so he needs a group of other ogling guys to go and get turned on with him??????? (okay that sounds wrong for more reasons than I meant) That husband would be in the darkest, coldest dog-house EVER not to mention the retaliation he'd receive from women EVERYWHERE.
Tonight the cherry was topped on this sore soap box issue of mine. I had the one channel on while cleaning up the house and it was the 8'oclock news, a reporter talking to a group of women, here in PDX, about some book trilogy of crap.... what was it called...something about gray? Shades of gray books? Whatever, I'm sure you reader ppl know what I'm talking about. Well the whole segment was how its considered erotica (S&M erotica which is even more disturbing) and how all these women are loving the books and justifying reading pornography because they have been married for x amount (no pun intended again) years and are bored and how the main nasty S&M "sexy man" character get all these women readers libidos working again THUS its okay and totally finnnneeee.
Again, if I were that women's husband and my wife were on the news proudly stating it takes a fictional S&M character to get HER off because she is BORED with the hubby at home- I would be MORTIFIED and SOOOO emasculated.
Needless, to say I was completely grossed-out yet again. So disappointed in the selfish, hypocritical and PATHETIC-ness of it all. But most of all and I really mean this, I feel SO sad for all those husbands. How are they suppose to react? If they stand-up and argue then they are "horrible men, taking away their wives right for fun entertainment, arousal, and even girls-night" to name a few. But of course, when men DO act like this, "they need intervention, its sick and perverted and totally humiliating for their wives and women everywhere." Oh feminists, how to went to far 40 yrs ago and have emasculated our men and turned women into gross, men-repressing creatures. I spit on thee.
Ok I think I'm done here.
PS- what movie/book do I think is a TRUE romantic, LOVE story well come on....the one that is my favorite, the one that my own Love story mirrored.....Pride & Prejudice ahhhh soooo good!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EryhQdXTjP8
Heads-up everyone this is a true Jessica SOAP BOX MOMENT!
Sooo it started once I got married, the roar that was my passion for romantic-comedies began to flicker, and even turn to cinder. Why? Because for 99.2% of them were/are complete cod-swallup. Truly, they are soooo forced, disturbing hour and a half films repeats of two themes:
The chick is in a lame relationship, goes away on a business trip AND/OR boyfriend/fiance does, she cheats, runs away and then the realizes she's in-love with #2 and #1 was a selfish %#!$@^$ who didn't pay her ENOUGH attention that she "deserved" thus "justifying" cheating, especially AS LONG as it's to realize you're in a relationship you didn't want AND consequently cheating with real "The ONE" (gag)
ORRRRrrrr
The chick is poor and Mr. Rich-pants woo's her BUT of course after 45 mins of her brow lashing Mr. Rich-Pants (and the audience) how he should feel guilty for being rich and she's SO great b/c she's "devoted" her life non-profit bla bla bla.... they end up getting it on, he choose to do a business transaction that's completely LEGAL but she's morally against, she runs, he fellows and apologizes and swears to give up the "EVIL" capitalist business and they end up together in the end. (bigger gag)
Why do these pathetic movies make me so mad? Easy. Because not a single one is LOVE. Yes, the films are categorized as "Romantic Comedies" and not "True Love" I get it however, this crap is branded, labeled and slapped in our faces as such and girls, young girls then believe its those kinds of themes and actions of the characters are realistic and more disturbing...ACCEPTED!
And YEEESSSsssss I do see the irony of my own "Love Story" beginnings, full of epic selfish cheating, and me running away only to be chased and woo'ed. LOL Gosh that feels like a long time ago. (Anyone interested who hasn't heard all the nasty details can call me, its a GREAT story). So why is MY story different? For a few reasons...but in short I'll say it's different b/c while were we apart (before we were officially dating, NOT exclusive before, and certainly not engaged or married) we both worked really hard on mending our individual self-defeating behaviors. It's by the sweet guidance of God beer cans half full of beer and molded with tobacco leaked all over the pad of my trunk that fateful hot, summers day THUS I needed a hose (and TONS of cleaner) to get it out and the person I called who I knew had a hose (no sexual pun intended) was Tom, to which we fell in love with each others BEST SELF! hehe
Okay, me being me has digressed terribly. I wasn't even planning to talk about all this! My point (taking in a new, deep breath) is of the crap I see on tv. The crap I see from just the one channel we get that isn't even on most of the time! Crap that is advertising junk. But here's the reason I'm soap-boxing tonight....it makes me cringe that I see that crap entertainment being bragged about on FB from married women, married LDS women no less, excited to go watch a movie with a supposedly "hot guy in hollywood" who's a stripper and "TOTALLY going to see this movie of course husband won't come with me girls? Who's with me?!" It makes me want to barf. Why do I even care. Because behind my anger is sadness, to be honest.
Can you IMAGINE one of your friends' husbands, or heck YOUR husband getting ALL excited when a trailer for a movie with a "perfectly in-shape hot chick" is a stripper and that husband publicizing how he's "TOTALLY gonna go see it, and of course his wife or YOU won't be going with him so he needs a group of other ogling guys to go and get turned on with him??????? (okay that sounds wrong for more reasons than I meant) That husband would be in the darkest, coldest dog-house EVER not to mention the retaliation he'd receive from women EVERYWHERE.
Tonight the cherry was topped on this sore soap box issue of mine. I had the one channel on while cleaning up the house and it was the 8'oclock news, a reporter talking to a group of women, here in PDX, about some book trilogy of crap.... what was it called...something about gray? Shades of gray books? Whatever, I'm sure you reader ppl know what I'm talking about. Well the whole segment was how its considered erotica (S&M erotica which is even more disturbing) and how all these women are loving the books and justifying reading pornography because they have been married for x amount (no pun intended again) years and are bored and how the main nasty S&M "sexy man" character get all these women readers libidos working again THUS its okay and totally finnnneeee.
Again, if I were that women's husband and my wife were on the news proudly stating it takes a fictional S&M character to get HER off because she is BORED with the hubby at home- I would be MORTIFIED and SOOOO emasculated.
Needless, to say I was completely grossed-out yet again. So disappointed in the selfish, hypocritical and PATHETIC-ness of it all. But most of all and I really mean this, I feel SO sad for all those husbands. How are they suppose to react? If they stand-up and argue then they are "horrible men, taking away their wives right for fun entertainment, arousal, and even girls-night" to name a few. But of course, when men DO act like this, "they need intervention, its sick and perverted and totally humiliating for their wives and women everywhere." Oh feminists, how to went to far 40 yrs ago and have emasculated our men and turned women into gross, men-repressing creatures. I spit on thee.
Ok I think I'm done here.
PS- what movie/book do I think is a TRUE romantic, LOVE story well come on....the one that is my favorite, the one that my own Love story mirrored.....Pride & Prejudice ahhhh soooo good!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
April and Other weirdness
It seems to me that April 2012 has been a crappy month across the board for myself and most people I know. I'm not trying to be a downer just telling it how I hear/feel it.
BEN: Ben's sleep training got shot to heck when I got that second round of sick and was coughing all night long (not exaggerating) for 3 weeks and with Ben in the same room of COURSE I woke him up and thus all the work we did to get him to stay asleep from 8pm-3am was gone with the wind...that was contaminated with my cough virus. LUCKILY he never got- I think he has his dad's Super Man genes- that man never gets sick.
Anyway, Bek told me months ago "Just don't do what I did and wait till your kids are old enough to stand up in their cribs (during sleep training)" I certainly tried and did what I could not to let that happen. NOW Ben's been waking up and screaming at his mom and dad who are trying to "hide" and hold super still like he's a T-Rex and as long as we don't move he can't see us...how's it working? It's not so much. I know I'm whining to the choir here- when they wake up and pulling themselves up they also fall down and hit their heads on their cribs and b/c we are right there we know how severe PLUS Tom is Mr. Jack on the Spot when Ben has a bunk so before I can say "hold on I think he's okay" Tom's got Ben in his arms giving comfort.
I've really been working extra hard to get him back to sleeping to 3am for the Texas trip next week though my gut says its gonna be a waste b/c Ben takes after me in the light-sleeper category and hears EVERYTHING.
The truth is I don't mind the crying, screaming, whatever; really, its annoying sure but I can handle it. However, its feeling the pressure/worry that neighbors can hear and/or knowing that Tom's gotta another 12hr day ahead of him and its 1:30am- Ben's crying for another 45 round- that's MORE tough. But the hardest is he's falling down and getting hurt THEN I have to get up and make sure he doesn't have a goose-eat, isn't bloody somewhere, etc. Oh and its important to note we never got a umm what's that called the padding thing that goes around the inside of the crib to help prevent EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I heard a rumor that they aren't recommended anymore b/c of SIDS- but I think the rate Ben's going he's not going to be able to READ if I don't get one! I'm just not sure what to do- sleep training wise with the bumping his head specifically, the rest: neighbors will live, Tom will live. SUGGESTIONS?
On a fun note. Ben's is a mover. Holy Fudge he's gone from rolling over to crawling backwards to walking himself around the ottoman by himself in a month. He's getting interested in food, mostly mine. THE BOY LOVES CHEESE and apricots.
GOOD NEWS: Rex and Aleece found out that baby #6 is a boy. Right before they found out Rex said "If haven't decided if we are gonna tell anyone or not" so there's a part of me that wonders if its really a girl (it would make the only other granddaughter on either side) I hope not cuz I think that would be super manipulative and plain insulting. I don't think so though, I think its a boy because they were really hoping for one and I think it would be totally a big deal. I, personally am happy for all these boys. It seems like everyone has been having boys, I honestly can't think of a single close friend or person in my ward who's had a girl lately......
Here are pictures of Easter. Easter was weird this year. It came fast, it didn't feel like Easter, which is really sad for lots of reasons. I'm not sure I've ever mentioned this but I LOVE Easter music so much so that I prefer it over Christmas music. Oh gosh, Mormon Tabernacle stuff that's solemn and extremely thought provoking- beautiful.
Tom wasn't even at Easter dinner- home doing homework from after church till 9:30pm at which time I said "ok, pencils down, close books, its couple's time!"
BEN: Ben's sleep training got shot to heck when I got that second round of sick and was coughing all night long (not exaggerating) for 3 weeks and with Ben in the same room of COURSE I woke him up and thus all the work we did to get him to stay asleep from 8pm-3am was gone with the wind...that was contaminated with my cough virus. LUCKILY he never got- I think he has his dad's Super Man genes- that man never gets sick.
Anyway, Bek told me months ago "Just don't do what I did and wait till your kids are old enough to stand up in their cribs (during sleep training)" I certainly tried and did what I could not to let that happen. NOW Ben's been waking up and screaming at his mom and dad who are trying to "hide" and hold super still like he's a T-Rex and as long as we don't move he can't see us...how's it working? It's not so much. I know I'm whining to the choir here- when they wake up and pulling themselves up they also fall down and hit their heads on their cribs and b/c we are right there we know how severe PLUS Tom is Mr. Jack on the Spot when Ben has a bunk so before I can say "hold on I think he's okay" Tom's got Ben in his arms giving comfort.
I've really been working extra hard to get him back to sleeping to 3am for the Texas trip next week though my gut says its gonna be a waste b/c Ben takes after me in the light-sleeper category and hears EVERYTHING.
The truth is I don't mind the crying, screaming, whatever; really, its annoying sure but I can handle it. However, its feeling the pressure/worry that neighbors can hear and/or knowing that Tom's gotta another 12hr day ahead of him and its 1:30am- Ben's crying for another 45 round- that's MORE tough. But the hardest is he's falling down and getting hurt THEN I have to get up and make sure he doesn't have a goose-eat, isn't bloody somewhere, etc. Oh and its important to note we never got a umm what's that called the padding thing that goes around the inside of the crib to help prevent EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I heard a rumor that they aren't recommended anymore b/c of SIDS- but I think the rate Ben's going he's not going to be able to READ if I don't get one! I'm just not sure what to do- sleep training wise with the bumping his head specifically, the rest: neighbors will live, Tom will live. SUGGESTIONS?
On a fun note. Ben's is a mover. Holy Fudge he's gone from rolling over to crawling backwards to walking himself around the ottoman by himself in a month. He's getting interested in food, mostly mine. THE BOY LOVES CHEESE and apricots.
GOOD NEWS: Rex and Aleece found out that baby #6 is a boy. Right before they found out Rex said "If haven't decided if we are gonna tell anyone or not" so there's a part of me that wonders if its really a girl (it would make the only other granddaughter on either side) I hope not cuz I think that would be super manipulative and plain insulting. I don't think so though, I think its a boy because they were really hoping for one and I think it would be totally a big deal. I, personally am happy for all these boys. It seems like everyone has been having boys, I honestly can't think of a single close friend or person in my ward who's had a girl lately......
Here are pictures of Easter. Easter was weird this year. It came fast, it didn't feel like Easter, which is really sad for lots of reasons. I'm not sure I've ever mentioned this but I LOVE Easter music so much so that I prefer it over Christmas music. Oh gosh, Mormon Tabernacle stuff that's solemn and extremely thought provoking- beautiful.
Tom wasn't even at Easter dinner- home doing homework from after church till 9:30pm at which time I said "ok, pencils down, close books, its couple's time!"
I love how Ben looks like the "Big Foot" photo in the one where he's being handed off from Grandpa to Grandma
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Goin' Nowhere FAST
Let's see what to say? Well the last few weeks have been, what's the word... not horrible, not fantastic, typical- that's it, typical.
I had a really bad flu about a month ago; the kind that you get like every 7 years and this was my 7th year. I couldn't even walk a straight line when I COULD walk. It was pathetic. I called my mom in a blur, in the bath tub with Ben in my lap and so weak it took many attempts to get out. She drove up and played with Ben, did laundry, dishes, brought me liquids and hot pads, and love.
That night when Tom was welcomed with sick all over the bathroom, I'll spare the details and just say my love cleaned it all up off the walls, floor, toilet, waste basket, etc and never made a single groan. I would have kissed him but I was half unconscious, under a mountain of blankets freezing WITH bad breath.
On Thursday I woke up sick again. NOT with a 7 year flu again but a bad cold. Thursday Ben and I slept together from 9 to noon it was a tender, sweet, heavenly blessing. Friday I wanted to do the same especially since the cold was worse but I had to go to work. So I thought, "I'll go real quick and then come home and sleep." It was a nice theory.
WORK SUCKED! You see, just a few days after I let my boss know I wanted to give up one of my 3 stores I got an email saying another of my stores was being taken away to give to someone with seniority who had lost an account and was obligated to full time work and this was the result. At first it was kinda scary, I mean, in just a few days I lost 2/3 of my income but the whole time I felt an under-lining comfort and resolve that it was meant to be; H.F wanted me home with Ben.
Fast forward I was asked to substitute and rotate the store that was taken away from me which hadn't seen a Rep in a month tho it was the 23rd, the store had a massive amount of new product, and many other branding hanging/styling changes that where very time consuming. (I just deleted 4 paragraphs of boring details so take my word for it- it was a TON of work).
How much? Mom brought Ben to me so I could nurse him at 2pm. I drove home and nursed him at 5pm LUCKILY Tom had his first Friday night off in several weeks which was going to be date night (us watching a movie at home) but he came home and I went back to work till 9pm when I came home I ate and passed out soon after.
This morning I woke up with a sorER throat, glands the size of gum balls and a bad attitude. By the time we were all showered and ready to go to the library so I could have internet and do my report, it was Ben's first nap time. I was then MORE cranky. Tom reminded me there was a baptism at 2pm while he cleaned the kitchen, made me breakfast since he recognized my level of crankiness and knew it was exacerbated by not eating, and then he ran to the auto parts store to pick up replacement brake lights out in my car, he then fixed. Ben woke up early from his nap and was cranky himself. He didn't want to play he didn't want to eat he was just tired. When he did fall back asleep I grabbed my laptop and walked out the door to go to the library but Tom stopped me and asked me to come back inside.
I was tired, sick, eating cough drops resembling nervous eaters eating popcorn during a movie, and angry. Tom held me and I fell apart. I simply wanted what is NOT simple anymore. I wanted to have a bloody Saturday of no obligations, no interruptions, no stops, just GO. Go do whatever. But it doesn't work out that way. Tom works at 6pm if not full day shift on Saturdays so it means we can't just take a day trip anywhere. Ben's nap times are so important as ANY mom, aunt, neighbor, grocery store clerk knows and more importantly as I am NOW understanding and accepting which was part of my frustrations.
I'm selfish EXCLAMATION MARK I want to do what I want to do when I want.
Time is my weak point. It's the love language I think I most want out of my most closest relationships and YET I'm a big 'ol fat hypoGRIFF (just keeping you on your toes and pluggin in a Harry Potter reference 'cause I'm a DORK) "You never want to insult a Hypogriff, it just may be the last thing you ever do," -Hagrid. Okay I'm done.
Ya- I'm double-standard because while I require/desire it but I DON'T like giving it up. Not even to Tom. (A hush falls on the audience) Not even joking. When he tells me about his dreams during the night before or what he did at the office, I'm like ya ya ya ok listen! I know. I deserve a flogging or something. Okay I'm not ALWAYS like this. I DO enjoy listening and being a good listener for Tom, Bek, Ash, Mom, etc I really do. I know I feel pushed, nay, sucked dry in the time category which is already bleak.
I'm learning a new level of sacrifice. It's not like I didn't expect it, pllleeeeaaaaasssseeee I am #2 of 5 and have nephews enough to scare anyone out of having kids. It is a new level of sacrifice because I live in a box 30 feet by 18 feet so I want to get out and do ANYTHING but understand when I DO whatever, Ben's sleep always get messed up, he's not happy, I'm rushed and then I'm not happy, which then my hubby gets to hear all about which isn't nice since he's working like a dog and doesn't need to hear about how his wife whom he's working so hard for is so bloody unhappy!
I said all this and many more physical ailments, irratations, and bad puns this afternoon while Tom patiently listened. Then he encouraged me gave me good feedback and support. Then I left for the library did my work, came home, Ben woke up, fed him, changed him, gave love, we went to 2 stores including a quick grocery stop and then it was time for Tom to leave for work.
In all, nothing has changed. I have had that saying, "No problem is so bad that whining about it won't make it better." I'm sure I've messed up a word but you know what I'm saying. It's been a motivation for me! The truth IS I don't want pity or someone to tell me how hard I have it- please. I do want to be understood but not pity. Because the truth is someone ALWAYS has it worse. There is someone somewhere who sees their awesome, hardworking husband even less who ISN'T cheating! There is someone somewhere who is sicker, who has been sicker for longer and doesn't whine about it a tenth of the amount I do! And there is someone who was fatter who had the same physical/emotional and probably mental road blocks as me but gosh dang it over came them and again with a LOT less crying, whaling and nashing of teeth too!
Okay I think I'm done with my Scarlet O'Hara moment.
In other news:
Ben's quite the mover and shaker these days. It happened within a couple days of rolling on his back to rolling from back to stomach to scooting- scooting everywhere! The best part...he scoots backwards only! =D It's pretty dang cute. You can see him get so annoyed the moment he figures out he is moving away from his toys and not closer. These are pictures I took this evening of him scooting backwards from his pad and down the hall within a couple minutes all the while being the cutest, happiest little love!
I had a really bad flu about a month ago; the kind that you get like every 7 years and this was my 7th year. I couldn't even walk a straight line when I COULD walk. It was pathetic. I called my mom in a blur, in the bath tub with Ben in my lap and so weak it took many attempts to get out. She drove up and played with Ben, did laundry, dishes, brought me liquids and hot pads, and love.
That night when Tom was welcomed with sick all over the bathroom, I'll spare the details and just say my love cleaned it all up off the walls, floor, toilet, waste basket, etc and never made a single groan. I would have kissed him but I was half unconscious, under a mountain of blankets freezing WITH bad breath.
On Thursday I woke up sick again. NOT with a 7 year flu again but a bad cold. Thursday Ben and I slept together from 9 to noon it was a tender, sweet, heavenly blessing. Friday I wanted to do the same especially since the cold was worse but I had to go to work. So I thought, "I'll go real quick and then come home and sleep." It was a nice theory.
WORK SUCKED! You see, just a few days after I let my boss know I wanted to give up one of my 3 stores I got an email saying another of my stores was being taken away to give to someone with seniority who had lost an account and was obligated to full time work and this was the result. At first it was kinda scary, I mean, in just a few days I lost 2/3 of my income but the whole time I felt an under-lining comfort and resolve that it was meant to be; H.F wanted me home with Ben.
Fast forward I was asked to substitute and rotate the store that was taken away from me which hadn't seen a Rep in a month tho it was the 23rd, the store had a massive amount of new product, and many other branding hanging/styling changes that where very time consuming. (I just deleted 4 paragraphs of boring details so take my word for it- it was a TON of work).
How much? Mom brought Ben to me so I could nurse him at 2pm. I drove home and nursed him at 5pm LUCKILY Tom had his first Friday night off in several weeks which was going to be date night (us watching a movie at home) but he came home and I went back to work till 9pm when I came home I ate and passed out soon after.
This morning I woke up with a sorER throat, glands the size of gum balls and a bad attitude. By the time we were all showered and ready to go to the library so I could have internet and do my report, it was Ben's first nap time. I was then MORE cranky. Tom reminded me there was a baptism at 2pm while he cleaned the kitchen, made me breakfast since he recognized my level of crankiness and knew it was exacerbated by not eating, and then he ran to the auto parts store to pick up replacement brake lights out in my car, he then fixed. Ben woke up early from his nap and was cranky himself. He didn't want to play he didn't want to eat he was just tired. When he did fall back asleep I grabbed my laptop and walked out the door to go to the library but Tom stopped me and asked me to come back inside.
I was tired, sick, eating cough drops resembling nervous eaters eating popcorn during a movie, and angry. Tom held me and I fell apart. I simply wanted what is NOT simple anymore. I wanted to have a bloody Saturday of no obligations, no interruptions, no stops, just GO. Go do whatever. But it doesn't work out that way. Tom works at 6pm if not full day shift on Saturdays so it means we can't just take a day trip anywhere. Ben's nap times are so important as ANY mom, aunt, neighbor, grocery store clerk knows and more importantly as I am NOW understanding and accepting which was part of my frustrations.
I'm selfish EXCLAMATION MARK I want to do what I want to do when I want.
Time is my weak point. It's the love language I think I most want out of my most closest relationships and YET I'm a big 'ol fat hypoGRIFF (just keeping you on your toes and pluggin in a Harry Potter reference 'cause I'm a DORK) "You never want to insult a Hypogriff, it just may be the last thing you ever do," -Hagrid. Okay I'm done.
Ya- I'm double-standard because while I require/desire it but I DON'T like giving it up. Not even to Tom. (A hush falls on the audience) Not even joking. When he tells me about his dreams during the night before or what he did at the office, I'm like ya ya ya ok listen! I know. I deserve a flogging or something. Okay I'm not ALWAYS like this. I DO enjoy listening and being a good listener for Tom, Bek, Ash, Mom, etc I really do. I know I feel pushed, nay, sucked dry in the time category which is already bleak.
I'm learning a new level of sacrifice. It's not like I didn't expect it, pllleeeeaaaaasssseeee I am #2 of 5 and have nephews enough to scare anyone out of having kids. It is a new level of sacrifice because I live in a box 30 feet by 18 feet so I want to get out and do ANYTHING but understand when I DO whatever, Ben's sleep always get messed up, he's not happy, I'm rushed and then I'm not happy, which then my hubby gets to hear all about which isn't nice since he's working like a dog and doesn't need to hear about how his wife whom he's working so hard for is so bloody unhappy!
I said all this and many more physical ailments, irratations, and bad puns this afternoon while Tom patiently listened. Then he encouraged me gave me good feedback and support. Then I left for the library did my work, came home, Ben woke up, fed him, changed him, gave love, we went to 2 stores including a quick grocery stop and then it was time for Tom to leave for work.
In all, nothing has changed. I have had that saying, "No problem is so bad that whining about it won't make it better." I'm sure I've messed up a word but you know what I'm saying. It's been a motivation for me! The truth IS I don't want pity or someone to tell me how hard I have it- please. I do want to be understood but not pity. Because the truth is someone ALWAYS has it worse. There is someone somewhere who sees their awesome, hardworking husband even less who ISN'T cheating! There is someone somewhere who is sicker, who has been sicker for longer and doesn't whine about it a tenth of the amount I do! And there is someone who was fatter who had the same physical/emotional and probably mental road blocks as me but gosh dang it over came them and again with a LOT less crying, whaling and nashing of teeth too!
Okay I think I'm done with my Scarlet O'Hara moment.
In other news:
Thursday, March 8, 2012
A Beach without Sand
It feels a little weird blogging.
#1.) My issues seem so uneventful, and not far from non-life threatening compared to what I know others are going through.
#2.) Even without the above it's been a LONG month!
What's new?
Answer: Everything and nothing.
Detail #1: Ben
Ben has figured out every toy in the last 24 hours. Not sure what brain juice he took but he woke up this morning and figured out how to grab/pull on a toy to make it rattle upon letting go. Last week he figured out that instead of moving toward his toys he'd simply tug on the blanket and the toys came to him. He's even gone from being on his stomach up on hands and tip-toes and starting rocking then lunged forward. It was pretty dang awesome. Of course the whole time he was freaking out and screaming wondering why I wasn't picking him up but I saw what he was doing and let him struggle for the extra moment or two.
With the exception of tonight where he actually opened his mouth in anticipation of another bit (miracle of miracles) he doesn't like food. Not peaches, not apple sauce, not oatmeal, BUTTTTT what does he like to his mother's dismay....bread & cinnamon rolls. Yep. The little baybay is on his way to fat-kid ville if I'm not careful. -Ok really he takes in the tiniest of morsel, gets it wet and there's still more soggy bread left than eaten but not for long I'm sure. Oh and he still refuses a bottle. Its still more of a blessing so I won't complain.
I think my favorite part is that he can still fit 0-3 month clothes. I love it. I'm storing away clothes just so they won't get too worn out for next baby boy (not on the way, just down the road) ;)
Details #2.) SLEEPING
KILL ME. I don't even know if I have the energy or emotional control to talk about it and be okay without drugs.... It's been tough. My little guy has been kinda bi-polar since the moment he came out, its just a fact. 3 nights in a row will be okay- he'll wake up 4 times as normal and its tiring but do-able and then......then like 3-4 night in a row he's up every hour. I thought I got on top of it by cutting out pop and chocolate but it wasn't it. It's still happening without my dp and chocolate, with the noisy fan going, being wrapped up, putting up a blanket so he can't see us just 4 feet away, even with us holding our breath. IT SUCKS.
We're planning on tough-love sleep training. That is, we are going with the quick and sever route and letting him scream it out. We've been promised that by night three he'll be sleeping through the night. -THIS IS WHERE I'LL TAKE ALL THE ENCOURAGEMENT ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE!!!
We WERE going to bite the bullet this coming Tuesday and Wednesday but found out Tom will be doing an all nighter Thursday on top of working all day that day and the next morning AND evening sooo staying up all Wednesday isn't an option so maybe we'll try this Friday/Saturday? I'm nervous, not gonna lie. I know it would be 80000% easier if we had different bedrooms or could some how put him in the living room or something but it simply doesn't work any other way- TRUST ME! We've spent hours and hours on arrangements.
Detail #3.) Moving
A point of frustration, anxiety is where the fudge are we gonna to live next. We won't be going anywhere until the end of September when the lease is up and Ben will be 1 (ahhhhhh crazy!!!) And though we are looking half heartedly at this point our FULL hearts are dreaming, hoping, praying for a miracle! I know we definitely experienced one when we moved here. We had like just a couple of weeks until we had to move and nothing was panning out and it was scary so we fasted. In fact, we fasted on the hottest day of the summer it was difficult but the result was the Spirit lead me to call a friend who recommended a random person who led us here. As we were driving up to our current place it was right immediately! =) Now....we have our Ben, our needs have changed along with our budget.
My desire is to at least move slightly up but reality says we will be lucky if we are able to even move across. Whether up, down, sideways or purple ;) If it's right then it will be right and we'll be happy!
Details #4.) Becca Beach
Yesterday Ben and I drove to Bek's! It was his first visit to the beach though we never actually went to the beach- plllleeeaaaasssseee it's ME and BEK here! It was a nice thought but I accomplished what I went to do TALK and be TLAKED at! And I LOVED every moment!!!!! The saddest part, and I know anyone who has a BF who doesn't see or talk to them often will completely understand- when you finally are together your brain is in such overload of topics to cover that once you hit half way- everything goes fuzzy and you can't remember the rest cause you're sleep deprived, excited, been crying in out with your BF, handling interruptions every 2 minutes, etc. Conclusion? I just need to go more often!!! Even with gas prices being as gay as they are (ya I said used the word not in its "correct perspective", deal with it) I won't let it be a bigger deal than the deal of not having girl time! Plus, my husband is pretty supportive of me having girl time WITH another girl and not with him. (side note: this is where I do ANOTHER plug for "Men Are From Mars...." again) Gosh, I should get a cut from him with the amount of plugging I do!
Anyway- There were TONS of cute moments of Bek, Billy, Bek's kids with Ben and the only time I grabbed my camera was here!
Details #5.) Prayer
I've been struggling, wait, I've been CHOOSING to struggle with food a lot lately. It's not so much I want to or am even pigging out- that's not my problem. It's more with the weirdness of NOT ever being able to figure out what I want to eat, what sounds even half good to eat. When I say its totally like Morning sickness, IT IS. So I won't eat until something gets in my head and sounds good on my palette. But what ends up happening, wait, what I have been CHOOSING to do is waiting until I'm so hungry I CHOOSE to eat stuff I normally don't touch even on a holiday and I'm so frustrated, scared angry cause while the food tastes fine, its not good enough to feel gross, dumb about. I know that what it really comes down to is what it has ALWAYS come down to. I still fight my lot. I HAVE been in a good place about it and I want to get back there. I want it, it was sooooo relieving and I wasn't sulking or pathetic. I accepted what WAS/IS. I honestly feel what I need is more ernest prayer. This is my thing that obviously Heavenly Father knows I can get through and get through well. I may have missed the boat on enduring well part but I still have a great chance on defeating it. I know it takes daily decision making, planning ahead but more than anything ernest, sincere prayer.
#1.) My issues seem so uneventful, and not far from non-life threatening compared to what I know others are going through.
#2.) Even without the above it's been a LONG month!
What's new?
Answer: Everything and nothing.
Detail #1: Ben
Ben has figured out every toy in the last 24 hours. Not sure what brain juice he took but he woke up this morning and figured out how to grab/pull on a toy to make it rattle upon letting go. Last week he figured out that instead of moving toward his toys he'd simply tug on the blanket and the toys came to him. He's even gone from being on his stomach up on hands and tip-toes and starting rocking then lunged forward. It was pretty dang awesome. Of course the whole time he was freaking out and screaming wondering why I wasn't picking him up but I saw what he was doing and let him struggle for the extra moment or two.
With the exception of tonight where he actually opened his mouth in anticipation of another bit (miracle of miracles) he doesn't like food. Not peaches, not apple sauce, not oatmeal, BUTTTTT what does he like to his mother's dismay....bread & cinnamon rolls. Yep. The little baybay is on his way to fat-kid ville if I'm not careful. -Ok really he takes in the tiniest of morsel, gets it wet and there's still more soggy bread left than eaten but not for long I'm sure. Oh and he still refuses a bottle. Its still more of a blessing so I won't complain.
I think my favorite part is that he can still fit 0-3 month clothes. I love it. I'm storing away clothes just so they won't get too worn out for next baby boy (not on the way, just down the road) ;)
Details #2.) SLEEPING
KILL ME. I don't even know if I have the energy or emotional control to talk about it and be okay without drugs.... It's been tough. My little guy has been kinda bi-polar since the moment he came out, its just a fact. 3 nights in a row will be okay- he'll wake up 4 times as normal and its tiring but do-able and then......then like 3-4 night in a row he's up every hour. I thought I got on top of it by cutting out pop and chocolate but it wasn't it. It's still happening without my dp and chocolate, with the noisy fan going, being wrapped up, putting up a blanket so he can't see us just 4 feet away, even with us holding our breath. IT SUCKS.
We're planning on tough-love sleep training. That is, we are going with the quick and sever route and letting him scream it out. We've been promised that by night three he'll be sleeping through the night. -THIS IS WHERE I'LL TAKE ALL THE ENCOURAGEMENT ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE!!!
We WERE going to bite the bullet this coming Tuesday and Wednesday but found out Tom will be doing an all nighter Thursday on top of working all day that day and the next morning AND evening sooo staying up all Wednesday isn't an option so maybe we'll try this Friday/Saturday? I'm nervous, not gonna lie. I know it would be 80000% easier if we had different bedrooms or could some how put him in the living room or something but it simply doesn't work any other way- TRUST ME! We've spent hours and hours on arrangements.
Detail #3.) Moving
A point of frustration, anxiety is where the fudge are we gonna to live next. We won't be going anywhere until the end of September when the lease is up and Ben will be 1 (ahhhhhh crazy!!!) And though we are looking half heartedly at this point our FULL hearts are dreaming, hoping, praying for a miracle! I know we definitely experienced one when we moved here. We had like just a couple of weeks until we had to move and nothing was panning out and it was scary so we fasted. In fact, we fasted on the hottest day of the summer it was difficult but the result was the Spirit lead me to call a friend who recommended a random person who led us here. As we were driving up to our current place it was right immediately! =) Now....we have our Ben, our needs have changed along with our budget.
My desire is to at least move slightly up but reality says we will be lucky if we are able to even move across. Whether up, down, sideways or purple ;) If it's right then it will be right and we'll be happy!
Details #4.) Becca Beach
Yesterday Ben and I drove to Bek's! It was his first visit to the beach though we never actually went to the beach- plllleeeaaaasssseee it's ME and BEK here! It was a nice thought but I accomplished what I went to do TALK and be TLAKED at! And I LOVED every moment!!!!! The saddest part, and I know anyone who has a BF who doesn't see or talk to them often will completely understand- when you finally are together your brain is in such overload of topics to cover that once you hit half way- everything goes fuzzy and you can't remember the rest cause you're sleep deprived, excited, been crying in out with your BF, handling interruptions every 2 minutes, etc. Conclusion? I just need to go more often!!! Even with gas prices being as gay as they are (ya I said used the word not in its "correct perspective", deal with it) I won't let it be a bigger deal than the deal of not having girl time! Plus, my husband is pretty supportive of me having girl time WITH another girl and not with him. (side note: this is where I do ANOTHER plug for "Men Are From Mars...." again) Gosh, I should get a cut from him with the amount of plugging I do!
Anyway- There were TONS of cute moments of Bek, Billy, Bek's kids with Ben and the only time I grabbed my camera was here!
Details #5.) Prayer
I've been struggling, wait, I've been CHOOSING to struggle with food a lot lately. It's not so much I want to or am even pigging out- that's not my problem. It's more with the weirdness of NOT ever being able to figure out what I want to eat, what sounds even half good to eat. When I say its totally like Morning sickness, IT IS. So I won't eat until something gets in my head and sounds good on my palette. But what ends up happening, wait, what I have been CHOOSING to do is waiting until I'm so hungry I CHOOSE to eat stuff I normally don't touch even on a holiday and I'm so frustrated, scared angry cause while the food tastes fine, its not good enough to feel gross, dumb about. I know that what it really comes down to is what it has ALWAYS come down to. I still fight my lot. I HAVE been in a good place about it and I want to get back there. I want it, it was sooooo relieving and I wasn't sulking or pathetic. I accepted what WAS/IS. I honestly feel what I need is more ernest prayer. This is my thing that obviously Heavenly Father knows I can get through and get through well. I may have missed the boat on enduring well part but I still have a great chance on defeating it. I know it takes daily decision making, planning ahead but more than anything ernest, sincere prayer.
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