April and Other weirdness

It seems to me that April 2012 has been a crappy month across the board for myself and most people I know. I'm not trying to be a downer just telling it how I hear/feel it.

BEN: Ben's sleep training got shot to heck when I got that second round of sick and was coughing all night long (not exaggerating) for 3 weeks and with Ben in the same room of COURSE I woke him up and thus all the work we did to get him to stay asleep from 8pm-3am was gone with the wind...that was contaminated with my cough virus. LUCKILY he never got- I think he has his dad's Super Man genes- that man never gets sick.

Anyway, Bek told me months ago "Just don't do what I did and wait till your kids are old enough to stand up in their cribs (during sleep training)" I certainly tried and did what I could not to let that happen. NOW Ben's been waking up and screaming at his mom and dad who are trying to "hide" and hold super still like he's a T-Rex and as long as we don't move he can't see us...how's it working? It's not so much. I know I'm whining to the choir here- when they wake up and pulling themselves up they also fall down and hit their heads on their cribs and b/c we are right there we know how severe PLUS Tom is Mr. Jack on the Spot when Ben has a bunk so before I can say "hold on I think he's okay" Tom's got Ben in his arms giving comfort.

I've really been working extra hard to get him back to sleeping to 3am for the Texas trip next week though my gut says its gonna be a waste b/c Ben takes after me in the light-sleeper category and hears EVERYTHING.

The truth is I don't mind the crying, screaming, whatever; really, its annoying sure but I can handle it. However, its feeling the pressure/worry that neighbors can hear and/or knowing that Tom's gotta another 12hr day ahead of him and its 1:30am- Ben's crying for another 45 round- that's MORE tough. But the hardest is he's falling down and getting hurt THEN I have to get up and make sure he doesn't have a goose-eat, isn't bloody somewhere, etc. Oh and its important to note we never got a umm what's that called the padding thing that goes around the inside of the crib to help prevent EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I heard a rumor that they aren't recommended anymore b/c of SIDS- but I think the rate Ben's going he's not going to be able to READ if I don't get one! I'm just not sure what to do- sleep training wise with the bumping his head specifically, the rest: neighbors will live, Tom will live. SUGGESTIONS?

On a fun note. Ben's is a mover. Holy Fudge he's gone from rolling over to crawling backwards to walking himself around the ottoman by himself in a month. He's getting interested in food, mostly mine. THE BOY LOVES CHEESE and apricots.

GOOD NEWS: Rex and Aleece found out that baby #6 is a boy. Right before they found out Rex said "If haven't decided if we are gonna tell anyone or not" so there's a part of me that wonders if its really a girl (it would make the only other granddaughter on either side) I hope not cuz I think that would be super manipulative and plain insulting. I don't think so though, I think its a boy because they were really hoping for one and I think it would be totally a big deal. I, personally am happy for all these boys. It seems like everyone has been having boys, I honestly can't think of a single close friend or person in my ward who's had a girl lately......

Here are pictures of Easter. Easter was weird this year. It came fast, it didn't feel like Easter, which is really sad for lots of reasons. I'm not sure I've ever mentioned this but I LOVE Easter music so much so that I prefer it over Christmas music. Oh gosh, Mormon Tabernacle stuff that's solemn and extremely thought provoking- beautiful. 
Tom wasn't even at Easter dinner- home doing homework from after church till 9:30pm at which time I said "ok, pencils down, close books, its couple's time!"

I love how Ben looks like the "Big Foot" photo in the one where he's being handed off from Grandpa to Grandma

Goin' Nowhere FAST

Let's see what to say? Well the last few weeks have been, what's the word... not horrible, not fantastic, typical- that's it, typical.
I had a really bad flu about a month ago; the kind that you get like every 7 years and this was my 7th year. I couldn't even walk a straight line when I COULD walk. It was pathetic. I called my mom in a blur, in the bath tub with Ben in my lap and so weak it took many attempts to get out. She drove up and played with Ben, did laundry, dishes, brought me liquids and hot pads, and love.
That night when Tom was welcomed with sick all over the bathroom, I'll spare the details and just say my love cleaned it all up off the walls, floor, toilet, waste basket, etc and never made a single groan. I would have kissed him but I was half unconscious, under a mountain of blankets freezing WITH bad breath.
On Thursday I woke up sick again. NOT with a 7 year flu again but a bad cold. Thursday Ben and I slept together from 9 to noon it was a tender, sweet, heavenly blessing. Friday I wanted to do the same especially since the cold was worse but I had to go to work. So I thought, "I'll go real quick and then come home and sleep." It was a nice theory.
WORK SUCKED! You see, just a few days after I let my boss know I wanted to give up one of my 3 stores I got an email saying another of my stores was being taken away to give to someone with seniority who had lost an account and was obligated to full time work and this was the result. At first it was kinda scary, I mean, in just a few days I lost 2/3 of my income but the whole time I felt an under-lining comfort and resolve that it was meant to be; H.F wanted me home with Ben.
Fast forward I was asked to substitute and rotate the store that was taken away from me which hadn't seen a Rep in a month tho it was the 23rd, the store had a massive amount of new product, and many other branding hanging/styling changes that where very time consuming. (I just deleted 4 paragraphs of boring details so take my word for it- it was a TON of work).
How much? Mom brought Ben to me so I could nurse him at 2pm. I drove home and nursed him at 5pm LUCKILY Tom had his first Friday night off in several weeks which was going to be date night (us watching a movie at home) but he came home and I went back to work till 9pm when I came home I ate and passed out soon after.
This morning I woke up with a sorER throat, glands the size of gum balls and a bad attitude. By the time we were all showered and ready to go to the library so I could have internet and do my report, it was Ben's first nap time. I was then MORE cranky. Tom reminded me there was a baptism at 2pm while he cleaned the kitchen, made me breakfast since he recognized my level of crankiness and knew it was exacerbated by not eating, and then he ran to the auto parts store to pick up replacement brake lights out in my car, he then fixed. Ben woke up early from his nap and was cranky himself. He didn't want to play he didn't want to eat he was just tired. When he did fall back asleep I grabbed my laptop and walked out the door to go to the library but Tom stopped me and asked me to come back inside.
I was tired, sick, eating cough drops resembling nervous eaters eating popcorn during a movie, and angry. Tom held me and I fell apart. I simply wanted what is NOT simple anymore. I wanted to have a bloody Saturday of no obligations, no interruptions, no stops, just GO. Go do whatever. But it doesn't work out that way. Tom works at 6pm if not full day shift on Saturdays so it means we can't just take a day trip anywhere. Ben's nap times are so important as ANY mom, aunt, neighbor, grocery store clerk knows and more importantly as I am NOW understanding and accepting which was part of my frustrations.
I'm selfish EXCLAMATION MARK I want to do what I want to do when I want.
Time is my weak point. It's the love language I think I most want out of my most closest relationships and YET I'm a big 'ol fat hypoGRIFF (just keeping you on your toes and pluggin in a Harry Potter reference 'cause I'm a DORK) "You never want to insult a Hypogriff, it just may be the last thing you ever do," -Hagrid. Okay I'm done.
Ya- I'm double-standard because while I require/desire it but I DON'T like giving it up. Not even to Tom. (A hush falls on the audience) Not even joking. When he tells me about his dreams during the night before or what he did at the office, I'm like ya ya ya ok listen! I know. I deserve a flogging or something. Okay I'm not ALWAYS like this. I DO enjoy listening and being a good listener for Tom, Bek, Ash, Mom, etc I really do. I know I feel pushed, nay, sucked dry in the time category which is already bleak.
I'm learning a new level of sacrifice. It's not like I didn't expect it, pllleeeeaaaaasssseeee I am #2 of 5 and have nephews enough to scare anyone out of having kids. It is a new level of sacrifice because I live in a box 30 feet by 18 feet so I want to get out and do ANYTHING but understand when I DO whatever, Ben's sleep always get messed up, he's not happy, I'm rushed and then I'm not happy, which then my hubby gets to hear all about which isn't nice since he's working like a dog and doesn't need to hear about how his wife whom he's working so hard for is so bloody unhappy!
I said all this and many more physical ailments, irratations, and bad puns this afternoon while Tom patiently listened. Then he encouraged me gave me good feedback and support. Then I left for the library did my work, came home, Ben woke up, fed him, changed him, gave love, we went to 2 stores including a quick grocery stop and then it was time for Tom to leave for work.
In all, nothing has changed. I have had that saying, "No problem is so bad that whining about it won't make it better." I'm sure I've messed up a word but you know what I'm saying. It's been a motivation for me! The truth IS I don't want pity or someone to tell me how hard I have it- please. I do want to be understood but not pity. Because the truth is someone ALWAYS has it worse. There is someone somewhere who sees their awesome, hardworking husband even less who ISN'T cheating! There is someone somewhere who is sicker, who has been sicker for longer and doesn't whine about it a tenth of the amount I do! And there is someone who was fatter who had the same physical/emotional and probably mental road blocks as me but gosh dang it over came them and again with a LOT less crying, whaling and nashing of teeth too!
Okay I think I'm done with my Scarlet O'Hara moment.
In other news:

Ben's quite the mover and shaker these days. It happened within a couple days of rolling on his back to rolling from back to stomach to scooting- scooting everywhere! The best part...he scoots backwards only! =D It's pretty dang cute. You can see him get so annoyed the moment he figures out he is moving away from his toys and not closer. These are pictures I took this evening of him scooting backwards from his pad and down the hall within a couple minutes all the while being the cutest, happiest little love!

A Beach without Sand

It feels a little weird blogging.
#1.) My issues seem so uneventful, and not far from non-life threatening compared to what I know others are going through.
#2.) Even without the above it's been a LONG month!

What's new?
Answer: Everything and nothing.
Detail #1: Ben
Ben has figured out every toy in the last 24 hours. Not sure what brain juice he took but he woke up this morning and figured out how to grab/pull on a toy to make it rattle upon letting go. Last week he figured out that instead of moving toward his toys he'd simply tug on the blanket and the toys came to him. He's even gone from being on his stomach up on hands and tip-toes and starting rocking then lunged forward. It was pretty dang awesome. Of course the whole time he was freaking out and screaming wondering why I wasn't picking him up but I saw what he was doing and let him struggle for the extra moment or two.
With the exception of tonight where he actually opened his mouth in anticipation of another bit (miracle of miracles) he doesn't like food. Not peaches, not apple sauce, not oatmeal, BUTTTTT what does he like to his mother's dismay....bread & cinnamon rolls. Yep. The little baybay is on his way to fat-kid ville if I'm not careful. -Ok really he takes in the tiniest of morsel, gets it wet and there's still more soggy bread left than eaten but not for long I'm sure. Oh and he still refuses a bottle. Its still more of a blessing so I won't complain.
I think my favorite part is that he can still fit 0-3 month clothes. I love it. I'm storing away clothes just so they won't get too worn out for next baby boy (not on the way, just down the road) ;)

Details #2.) SLEEPING
KILL ME. I don't even know if I have the energy or emotional control to talk about it and be okay without drugs.... It's been tough. My little guy has been kinda bi-polar since the moment he came out, its just a fact. 3 nights in a row will be okay- he'll wake up 4 times as normal and its tiring but do-able and then......then like 3-4 night in a row he's up every hour. I thought I got on top of it by cutting out pop and chocolate but it wasn't it. It's still happening without my dp and chocolate, with the noisy fan going, being wrapped up, putting up a blanket so he can't see us just 4 feet away, even with us holding our breath. IT SUCKS.
We're planning on tough-love sleep training. That is, we are going with the quick and sever route and letting him scream it out. We've been promised that by night three he'll be sleeping through the night. -THIS IS WHERE I'LL TAKE ALL THE ENCOURAGEMENT ANYONE WANTS TO GIVE!!!
We WERE going to bite the bullet this coming Tuesday and Wednesday but found out Tom will be doing an all nighter Thursday on top of working all day that day and the next morning AND evening sooo staying up all Wednesday isn't an option so maybe we'll try this Friday/Saturday? I'm nervous, not gonna lie. I know it would be 80000% easier if we had different bedrooms or could some how put him in the living room or something but it simply doesn't work any other way- TRUST ME! We've spent hours and hours on arrangements.

Detail #3.) Moving
A point of frustration, anxiety is where the fudge are we gonna to live next. We won't be going anywhere until the end of September when the lease is up and Ben will be 1 (ahhhhhh crazy!!!) And though we are looking half heartedly at this point our FULL hearts are dreaming, hoping, praying for a miracle! I know we definitely experienced one when we moved here. We had like just a couple of weeks until we had to move and nothing was panning out and it was scary so we fasted. In fact, we fasted on the hottest day of the summer it was difficult but the result was the Spirit lead me to call a friend who recommended a random person who led us here. As we were driving up to our current place it was right immediately! =) Now....we have our Ben, our needs have changed along with our budget.
My desire is to at least move slightly up but reality says we will be lucky if we are able to even move across. Whether up, down, sideways or purple ;) If it's right then it will be right and we'll be happy!

Details #4.) Becca Beach
Yesterday Ben and I drove to Bek's! It was his first visit to the beach though we never actually went to the beach- plllleeeaaaasssseee it's ME and BEK here! It was a nice thought but I accomplished what I went to do TALK and be TLAKED at! And I LOVED every moment!!!!! The saddest part, and I know anyone who has a BF who doesn't see or talk to them often will completely understand- when you finally are together your brain is in such overload of topics to cover that once you hit half way- everything goes fuzzy and you can't remember the rest cause you're sleep deprived, excited, been crying in out with your BF, handling interruptions every 2 minutes, etc. Conclusion? I just need to go more often!!! Even with gas prices being as gay as they are (ya I said used the word not in its "correct perspective", deal with it) I won't let it be a bigger deal than the deal of not having girl time! Plus, my husband is pretty supportive of me having girl time WITH another girl and not with him. (side note: this is where I do ANOTHER plug for "Men Are From Mars...." again) Gosh, I should get a cut from him with the amount of plugging I do!
Anyway- There were TONS of cute moments of Bek, Billy, Bek's kids with Ben and the only time I grabbed my camera was here!

Details #5.) Prayer
I've been struggling, wait, I've been CHOOSING to struggle with food a lot lately. It's not so much I want to or am even pigging out- that's not my problem. It's more with the weirdness of NOT ever being able to figure out what I want to eat, what sounds even half good to eat. When I say its totally like Morning sickness, IT IS. So I won't eat until something gets in my head and sounds good on my palette. But what ends up happening, wait, what I have been CHOOSING to do is waiting until I'm so hungry I CHOOSE to eat stuff I normally don't touch even on a holiday and I'm so frustrated, scared angry cause while the food tastes fine, its not good enough to feel gross, dumb about. I know that what it really comes down to is what it has ALWAYS come down to. I still fight my lot. I HAVE been in a good place about it and I want to get back there. I want it, it was sooooo relieving and I wasn't sulking or pathetic. I accepted what WAS/IS. I honestly feel what I need is more ernest prayer. This is my thing that obviously Heavenly Father knows I can get through and get through well. I may have missed the boat on enduring well part but I still have a great chance on defeating it. I know it takes daily decision making, planning ahead but more than anything ernest, sincere prayer.

After The Flood

To whom it may concern (specifically owners of a front-load washing machine). They are a ticking time bomb.
Came home from doing some grocery shopping Saturday early afternoon and found our place flooded around the laundry closest, around a wall to the kitchen, pooling behind-infront of the fridge and again over a cabinet and behind the oven pooling again. A LOT OF WATER. Tom called the apartment ppl immediately. They came.
They said it had to be from the washing machine. I said this was from one load? I think not! IF there is a problem with the water there HAS to be another issues too. They went upstairs and checked the neighbors place, no issues. They came back went to our bathroom and opened the wall, no signs of water leakage or broken pipe. They opened another wall in the bathroom- same results. Then the wall behind the fridge (we'd THINK that's where they would have started!) There was water behind the wall but it was fresh and smelled of laundry soap.....??? I started a load of laundry (standing on layers upon layers of towels) seemed fine, then wait...what the??? Water pouring out from the detergent tray! Some water was getting into the washer itself but not much. MEANING: The water had ran and ran and ran trying to get into the washer but couldn't! SEVERAL bath tubs worth.
During all this Tom was running over to a baptism at the church, coming home again, dismantling the washer machine and then threw on his Apple shirt, downed some dinner and left for work. Ben was crazy- (side note: he's our bi-polar baby lately. Each day brings:YOU NEVER KNOW! Some days, calm, cool, collected. others, Judgement Day. But mostly, each day brings a combination of each. Yesterday was Dooms-Day-NEEDY-NESS as I'm in freak out mode and trying to clean up poisonis fridge free-on and watching the washer, making Tom dinner, talking to the maintenance guy, etc. Anyway, SOMETHING IS OBVIOUSLY clogging the rubber drain that connects from the detergent collection down the drain (designed just like a sink, toilet drain, weird question mark thing and into the wash tub. I get to the drain thing (Tom's at work and I've taken apart the washer as much as I can to get to the tube- I squeeze the rubber drain- immediately unclogs and is good to go BUT my guts says its NOT fixed....I start the load again, water is getting in, go weird spilling, okay maybe I DID fix it.
NOPE. When the rinse came on flooding again. CRAP. Something is in there. Something I can't feel in the tub- I had squeeze every inch of it. At this point I'm freakin for sure. The drain thing connects to the wash and where it empties into the washer isn't round but a slit. You can't get a finger, a pen in there maybe only a letter opener but that's sharp and I don't want to poke a hole in the rubber.
Tom calls from work to check on me around 8ish. I'm a disaster. There is a VERY loud floor fan going, a dehumidifier going, Ben is still waking up every 2 hrs and I wanted nothing more than to get the errands done the day before so we had Saturday morning and early afternoon together before he worked, but with my car in the shop till Friday afternoon and only getting to half my errands they had to be done Saturday morning which meant  another weekend NOT getting enough family time, feeling stretched emotionally, needing a nap like you wouldn't believe and instead getting a major 9 hr adrenaline rush. Tom was able to get off work early came home and lovingly said- I will take care of everything, no more fretting.
Today, that is tonight Tom took the machine apart and you will be so shocked as to WHAT had clogged the machine! You know when you buy a bottle of bleach and it has that paper-y/plastic seal that isn't really a seal, not the kind you brake through, just an extra lid thingy? IT WAS THAT. I remember I was on the phone, last week? I had poured from the new bottle into the wash, Ben was freaking out and I was so distracted so I remember seeing it fall into the bleach section and not making everything wait to just take it out (cause I'd get bleach on my hands) but now...because I didn't want to get bleach-y fingers it would be a SHOCK if the apartment doesn't charge us for opening 3 walls and for the 5 hours the guy was here working. And all because of bleach.
Exhales.
Reality? Its just walls, its just stuff. Another bill really that we'll pay and move on. No one was hurt or worse, nothing was destroyed, and really it only brought us closer as a couple and family as I haven't heard one harsh word or gotten one questionable look of annoyance, frustration, being ignored, scolded, chewed-out, NOTHING. In fact, it was HIM comforting ME the whole time. All my husband wanted was some sweet, female recognition to her HERO man that he fixed the problem and boy, I mean MAN, you bet I'm oooing and ahhhing over him! (again see: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus)

Jealous

Update from last blog:
1.) Effective February 28th I will be done with my Gresham store (unless something happens and they need to to cover here or there).
2.) I feel good about it. Relieved actually.
3.) I had a second round of injections on Thursday afternoon. Tom went with me which is always best. On the way home he said, "Well he (Dr. M) didn't creep me out that time." LOL I am feeling better. I can feel this round was much more effective. Not "back" to normal but the closest I've been to it in months! =) It's all a warming reminder how happy and grateful I am to be alive in this day and age of narcotics. God Bless America.
4.) Car- we'll be taking it in this next week. Again, I'm not worried about it anymore- it is what it is. PLUS due to our budgeting we have funds! yeah!
5.) Can't really do to much other than be SUPER verbal and appreciative towards my parents.
6.) Still waiting back from the Air Force Reserve recruiter guy- been waiting for several months actually but no decision(s) will be made on a whim, we just aren't those kind of people. I will say, I am MORE open to the idea of Tom doing it than ever before. I don't want to even THINK about the idea of Tom being gone for 4 months straight, not including annual 1-3 month long training things. Not sure how Charlotte did/does it. But if women can be husbandless for years at a time....no I don't think I'm gonna finish that sentence, I'm not gonna pretend I could handle it. I can't handle Tom taking 10 extra minutes to pick up some books/movies from the library on his way home from work if that gives you any kind of insight. LOL I sound so co-dependent. I promise I'm really not. Between his two jobs and my job, and Mr. Concernicus still teedering with colic I count down the minutes he comes through the door and I get relief (emotionally, physically, etc).
7.) Ok I'm jealous, I TOTALLY am. (I'm rolling my eyes at myself) because having envy for anything is stupid. Such a waste of energy, and it's negative and pathetic. I believe me own words. So I admit I'm being so selfish when I'm about to (folded arms and pouting) complain how "this and that person" have everything and I don't! LOL Gosh, when I put it like that I'm NO different than the whinny Occupy-lameos. Dang it...I don't think I can even really go into WHAT I think I'm jealous about anymore. Because the reality is whatever I want I will eventually have and I have no right to say "When I/we have it we will be MORE grateful and appreciative too!" Cause I have no way of ever knowing that and even if I was right and I did turn out to be MORE grateful or "worthy" or something, how on earth would that benefit my life??? It totally wouldn't. So being envious is a waste of time. (tho) I still do it DANG It) For crying out loud I know all of you envy me in some way...come on, you SO want my extra love handle (not the main one, thee EXTRA one....) OR my size 10 feet. SEXY-HOT, don't be hate'n.
And really. I love Tom's and my dates; they are pretty fantastic! They start with strappling an unwilling, screaming baby into his hated car seat where he continues crying until he falls asleep moments before we are ready to take him out where the crying is only heightened due to the combination of carseat hatred and unrested baby! The date gets steamy as we take a romantic walk through the massive, tall and tamed isles of Costco where we usually purchase a single item (usually peanut butter...I eat 99.9% of it's 8lb gerth in less time than it takes a liberal to get mad about something). Then we exchange suggestive glances over the flirty topic price per diaper at at one store compared to another as we indulge in decedent, luxurious combination pizza cooked hours before and left to the warming stage for who knows how long for him and for the lady, 2 sausage dogs without buns, with krut, mustard, onion and ketup ...PERRRFFFECCTTT for the kissing to come. I would say we spend the evening cuddled but garlic burps aren't as attractive as they sound.
All things considered, I LOVE our $4.99 (not including the extra chunky peanut butter purchase $8.99 on sale, otherwise $10.99 and then it's too rich for my blood) dates! So while I may not have that persons  this or that I have my extremely hardworking, and loving and willing husband who has yet to come through the door at the end of the day without a smile for me. And I have a healthy, super happy baby who loves his mommy and daddy. Who could ask for anything more? (well maybe a refill of of diet Pepsi before I leave Costco...I'm gonna get my 1.50's worth, thank you very much! ;)

This was taken at Multnomah Falls the weekend Ben was blessed- Beginning of November

Two Steps Forward, One Step back

And Sometimes it feels like One step forward, Two steps back. I apologize for my Debbie-Downerness at present. Because at present I feel like I have a serving size dish in front of me, replacing a dinner plate, and it's piled really high. Loaded with one heavy obstacle on top of another. I will say this, BECAUSE I feel it very strongly, even now I feel an overwhelming sense of calm and EVERYTHING will not only work out but work out for the better...That makes all the difference. However, I'm still a female and as such I'm gonna complain to lift the burdens just a tad.
#1.) February is a BIG, LONG work month. Funny, it's the shortest month. It's a Graphic Change Out (GCO) event for all my Adidas locations including Eugene. I have to be at my stores at 8am to make meet the snap-framers whom show up 50% of the time. Do you know how freakin annoying that is to drive to my parents the night before, get up at 6am and be in Eugene by 8am JUST so the guy doesn't show up? There are worse things, I know. On top of the GCO's I also do a full rotation. Some stores are harder than others.
#2.) I am 85% sure I'm going to be giving up my Gresham store at the end of February. I need to fully make up my mind so I can let my boss get someone else lined up. I know they have hired others and its won't be a problem and actually my boss let me know right before I went back to work that IF I needed to scale back any of my stores just say so, that they understand. So what's holding me back? Giving up one store is also giving up 1/3 of my monthly take home. It means giving up a little over 3400 a year. But on the other hand Ben will NOT take a bottle. He's had moments is all since he was born but won't do it and thus when I'm working 40 min one way he starves on those days. It stressed me like no other- not to mention the patience and endurance my mom practices when she is trying to soothe his screaming self for those 8 hrs. And back to the first hand, I had so much anxiety and guilt over my student loans which I work so hard to pay off. No one brings them up but me. I treat them like...like they're a debt we have 3 months left on and thus I have all this energy and anxiousness over them day to day when they are gonna be around for a few years (unless a miracle of miracle happens but I'm not counting on it). I've never been afraid of hard work so I am NOT unwilling to work BUT I have a baby who depends on me and whom I promised before he was ever conceived I wouldn't work while being entrusted on Earth with him.
#3.) I threw out my back AGAIN. I did it on Jan 2nd and I did it again last night. It wasn't from any one single event it really just never got HELD from the first time. This HAS happened before years ago. I was living with Emily and for the life of me I can't remember if it was my back or my neck that I had to have 2 injection appointment just a few days apart cause one wasn't enough and the pain was that bad. So I'm there again. I wouldn't really mention it but I feel my back is part of a bigger whole that I'm worried about. For the past few months I have been so lethargic and can't seem to get on top of it. I'm not feeling depression with it- simply exhausted. I had my thyroid checked and my levels were more than "normally off" so my Dr. wants me to see a Endocrinologist and since Dr. M has talked at lenght about my thyroid in conjunction with my PCOS, Diabetes and my back breaking down again- I'm gonna go see him tomorrow to discuss my lab results AND get more injections cause if I don't I will not be able to do my 8am Adidas stuff come Monday. I'll let you know what I find out. PS- I'm waiting to hear back if Tom can get off work to go with me for reasons we ALL know why! ughhh
#3.) My car is needing repairs again. It's not enough reason to jump ship but its enough for me to want to scream. I'm glad its not soooo big. But it's enough that its coming out of the budget that I SO badly wanted to use against my lowest student loan to which is SOOO close to being DEAD forever. Not Voltimort dead in part 1 but Voltimort dead in part 7.2. DEAD FOREVERRRRR.
#4.) The mold is back in the room. Just THAT quick. I swear to gosh we haven't brought in some much as a sis of liquid into the room. I have left the windows open all day- today will be #3 of that and just letting things air out. I turned over my night stand on Monday and you all would have puked! It was covered sooo badly with mold I was amazed we all aren't hospitalized from it. Okay I'm being dramatic...what's new. BUT It WAS BAD!!! Before I leave the place today I'm gonna put down a box worth of baking soda on the carpet. Seems the wall we share with our neighbor is bowing in and there's wetness....?
#5.) I have guilt. I have such overwhelming guilt. I so want to give back to my parents what has been given and what they are still giving today; ie paying on one of my Parent Plus loans. I wish soooo badly to be able to surprise them with everything I owe back and more and lift their burdens. I fear to the point of nervousness that they will both pass years before we will be in a place to give back. I understand the pay it forward but I desire so greatly to do both.
#6.) I think, analyze like crazy how to get Tom through school faster. It all leads me back to why I'm working and why its scary for me to give up a huge chunk of income (well HUGE to us that is).
Okay I'm feeling better...here are the latest photos of my family whom I'd give up ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for!

PS- I love how Mr. Concernicus is either in Friar-prayer mode or Black Panther's revolt mode while sleeping! heeh

Saturday Is a Special Day

First off- today marks one year ago we found out we were pregnant. Only Bek and my husband really will know the truth how I handled it. But more importantly only I and Lord will ever know how very much I love my Baby Ben and am SO glad he was given to us! =)
So not too long ago Amanda gave me a heads up about hair loss post pardon. How did I react? I doubled-up on prenatal and thought, "Wah haha I'll beat THAT!" A month and a half later now, I have thin hair again. LOL
So months and months ago Tom and I were meticulously crib shopping. I mean we looked and looked for the best buy, best quality, best! Not because we are snobs- I promise but because we simply came to the conclusion we wanted to buy ONE bed for our kids that they will sleep in from birth to adult instead of us buying a crib, toddler bed, twin, full... THUS if a bed is going to withstand all those years it HAS to built solid! Ya know? At the same time, Ben's personal Santa Claus offered to purchase whatever crib we picked out. I mean AGAIN it was a miracle and blessed year for us.
After talking to Morgan, those many moons ago, she led us to the brand Munire. I went to the website, clicked around and saw Ben's crib! I emailed Tom with the message "THIS IS IT!" He looked at it and replied, "YES!"
Fast forward. We ordered it. It was on back order. Over a month later it came in but it was the wrong one. We re-ordered the crib. It was also on back order. Over a month later it came in and that was this last Saturday.
Now, I need to back-tract for a moment. We live in Oregon. It's super damp and wet and thus a non-friendly visitor of the name MOLD lives with us. We've lived in this apartment almost our entire marriage and its a nice, quiet place and the apartment itself is cute and fine. But this last fall brought even more mold than ever PLUS a horrible, dank smell was going on in our bedroom at the same time. I was finding mold growing on my furniture, my NICE bedroom set and I was freakin out. SOOOOoo when the crib came in I was like WE ARE NOT putting a $700 crib in a room where there is funk going on without zapping the problem FIRST!
Tom and I DID figure out the problem (don-don-don-donnn). Long story short, due to there being stuff under our bed there was no air flow and thus moisture was trapped. Long story long. We disassembled our bed COMPLETELY and wiped it down several times with a couple different brain-cell-killing cleaners. There was mold ALL over the rails and boards that hold up the box-springs, behind the head-board, foot-boards, etc. But Tom and I being the people we are kinda TOTALLY enjoyed the full cleaning! Its sooo what's the word....therapeutic! I wiped down the bedroom walls, re-cleaned the windows (it happens umpteen times a week) and vacuumed, vacuumed, vacuumed! I'm sure if we had the extra cash we would have rented I carpet cleaner too. But I have to say after a few hours the smell was GONE! And because the "stuff" under the bed was the crib mattress, and another re-called crib given to us but we never used cause...its recalled- under the bed is clear!!! (growing up I never had things under the bed, I felt it was a sign on something subconscious if/when people did! lol)
Tom put together the crib immediately. Along with both of us doing tons of laundry ALL day. I'm talking like 10 loads+ during the weekend, washing every sheet, blanket, bed quilt, pillow, everything that was in the room that could go into the washer.

I think the only hic-up with the crib was the stain. We were hoping that it would have turned out closer to a dark cherry but its a medium cherry. But I mean pleaseeee its still great! I think the thing we love most about it. Is it's a SOLID, wuality piece of furniture! =) The lady at the store we ordered it from said Munire is the Cadillac of cribs!

And this is Ben a couple hours ago!

Thee End (for now)