To Stay or Not to Stay

For the past four months I have been working very close to full time due to taking on more rotations with Adidas. It has been a very big blessing and I don’t regret it. There are, however, consequences to mixing physically demanding tasks with an ever expanding pregnant body and mind! What are the consequences? Well for the last several weeks I noticed I am completely wrecked by the time Friday rolls around.

I leave work tapped out and usually spend the majority of the evening just crying it out in Tom’s arms. Then I spend the weekend doing as little as I possibly can; heck, even if we HAD spending money to blow I think I would still need quiet, home time to rejuvenate for another week. Unfortunately, it’s not getting any better and instead I’ve been starting my Friday crashes on Wednesdays .

I was just totally agonizing about leaving my office job. Just, so super torn thinking about the end of annual trips to San Francisco, more like annual anniversary trips of Tom’s and my real start! And other fun perks like Christmas bonuses, getting to use the boss’ beach house once a year (where funny enough both Wren was conceived AND most likely our little one was conceived!) Office birthday celebrations, and all other sorts of extra treats/gifts my boss spoils us with! I’ve of course, worried about how we are gonna make ends-meet without my office job but I always come to the same conclusions: Whatever I would make at the office would be spent on a stranger taking care of our baby, DOUBLE NOT WORTH IT! I was raised/spoiled with a stay-at-home-mom and ALWAYS planned on doing nothing less for my kids….then why the crap is it so hard?

Tom pointed it out to me Wednesday night, after my Friday crash hit Wednesday and I was a puddle of mascara mess upon the umpteen ruined shirts Tom owns! (I think he has 2-3 shirts left without some mascara stain from me! And we wonders why I am always wanting to get him new clothes!!!!) Anyway, he reminded me how much I despise change and how I loathe uncertainty and with so many unknowns and what if’s looming around it’s no wonder why I’m fighting making the decision of staying or not staying. Of course I’m not staying but in the world of Jessica, it’s almost as abstract as decided to get an electric car once we move to the moon! Meaning….having a baby is SUPER big change and thus the little decisions feel like life and death. Does that make sense?

I did give my…6-7 week notice this past Monday. I am happy to report I did it without crying! Haha I joke about that cause just about every discussion I’ve had with Vica (office manager, the woman who interviewed me, hired me, came to my wedding reception, understands me and who is SUCH a great person!) has led to me breaking down in some weepiness. I will add, I got an email from a co-worker yesterday that makes quitting that much more easier!!!

It read: Jessica, Can you move your fan after your shift? It's obnoxiously huge and crowds my cubicle. I understand you need it, but I don't want to move every morning. I would appreciate it. Thanks, (so-and-so)

Long story short, I share the desk with this person. My whole position was created b/c this person went from full time to part time so while I work: Mon, Wed, Fri and she works Tues, Thurs, and Fri (Fridays I hang out in the conference room). The days I work are still days I’m not at “OUR desk” but always HERS. A fan was brought in for me Monday due to feeling like an oven, not only am I pregnant but I move so much so I’ve been sweating while everyone has been freezing.  Everyone has been cold in the office due to me turning the conditioning up so the compromise was keep temp normal and bring in a fan for me! But obviously, I guess I’m being a diva and asking so much! Oh this email was from a year ago and is a personal favorite!

Hey Jess,I came in today and my desk was cluttered with stuff, dirty and even smelled funny - especially the phone. I ask that you clean up my area when you're done with your shifts and try to leave the space the way I do, especially the drawers, etc.
I'd really appreciate it. That way I won't have to clean it every morning when I come in.

I’m glad I can laugh about this now because when I got it I was SO super confused and irritated. I had NO idea what she was talking about, I use a couple of the desk draws because that’s where the supplies for my job are placed, not by me but by her request. As for the smell…..really? REALLY? Thanks! Oh gosh. I never responded to any of these kinds of emails. How do you respond to ridiculousness? I have just ignored it while being very aware of the egg shells all around!

Anyway, that’s the latest here!

   

   

Mood-Swings

Okay I know I just posted like two days ago but I think I'm having a soap-box moment cause its super slow at work (for the moment) and yesterday just sucked SO bad!

Okay so I think you all know I work for Adidas and a few have asked me what I actually DO. I am a visual merchandiser which means I merchandise Adidas' product for both the men's and women's departments within the Dick's Sporting Goods stores and sometimes Sports Authority). In a nut-shell my real job description title should be "Problem Solver!!!" I go in and figure out what product goes with what and then I display it so customers look at and say, ya I DO want that shirt with those shorts, and I want those one's too and hey look at this!" My people do occasionally put out a "game-plan" for how corporate wants product shown but let me tell you it almost NEVER makes since and is obvious those people haven't ever worked in the field and thus again I play Problem solver!

So I arrived at one of my stores yesterday at 8am b/c on top of the normal bi-monthly rotation this store was suppose to have a specialized snap-framer come in to replace the large wall graphics while I put out the smaller stuff, so I'm there to witness and report any issues Adidas will need to be aware of. Well the guy never showed up and he didn't show up last week at another store 2 hours away and I got there at 8am for nothin' though yes it meant my work day ended earlier but still...

So I'm there yesterday, I reported to Adidas via text the guy didn't show, going about my business, the air conditioner in this store is weak at best and I'm sweating from the get-go. I had been there for about 4.5 hours had JUST finished with the men's side and about to take "after" photos (which I report) when this guy- I SWEAR I thought I was seriously on candid-camera or some MTV Punked, or Boiling Point or something, I thought he was purposely trying to see how far he could test my patience until I freak-out! He walked around grabbing clothes, putting them back in the wrong place, hung wrong and messing up the rest of the clothing on the rack, then walked over to another display doing the same thing, walked over the tiered tables, and was grabbing, unfolding shirts that take FOREVER to fold, and continued on.

My right eye was twitching and I was sweating so bad I thought I was actually gonna chew this guy out and knew at the same time it was get reported back and I would SO be fired! THANK GOODNESS my iPod starting playing Mormon Tab at that moment- Ave Verum Corpus (my favorite of all Mormon Tab and super beautiful, calming piece). I didn't freak-out. But I did text Tom "I NEED A BREAK!" So he came and picked me up, already having the air conditioner on FULL blast to my side and we got some dollar menu lunch and a chocolate shake to share! :) I was already very tired and didn't want to go back to finish the women's side. But I did.

I went back- again the game plan was almost 2 months behind and the new product DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. Its just so not clear what is suppose to go with what- the colors don't match though the styles do??? Makes me think back to my conception I, II, III, and senior courses all hitting in the idea of cohesiveness and yet- here the big-wigs aren't doing it. Makes me want to slap the crap out of whoever is NOT doing their job and allowing 9-11 different styles of shorts to be produced within one season- it’s absolutely RETARDED and overwhelming to the customer. HELLO I took just a few marketing classes and know that's NOT good planning or cost effective.

Okay so back to my rotation. I'm there, sweating again. When I first came back from lunch I had to go the bathroom and me being me was like, okay I'll go right after I do this, and this and this and this and pretty soon its a couple hours later and I've sweated out whatever full blatter I did have. I was there for a few hours when something happened that swung my mood from annoyed to excited.

From the corner of my eye I saw a flash of deep red, not quite wine, not cherry-red, not Christmas red, it was a RICH, beautiful red, silk blouse with under-stated, chic, gold buttons, a light, tan, fitted pencil skirt, PERFECT length, and the heels, in a word: AWESOME! MY STYLE, stilettos, red and cream almost in a leopard pattern but they didn't come off in a sexual-animal print way but in a VERY classy, sophisticated way. The woman was tall, very slender but not scary-thin, dark hair, not colored or styled trendy but classically long. And studded pearl ear rings.

I'm sure I looked like a weirdo. There I was in maternity Capri pants where the waist band hits in a way where it cuts my stomach in halves and creates 2 rolls instead of a normal- pregnant- one-roll belly, a Gap shirt with nasty grease(?) stains at the bottom (it was thrown away after I got home- not acceptable work attire), with Tom's old- ratty, black dress, sleeves rolled up to elbows, the edge of the collar worn, bottomed one bottom in front in an attempt to hid the 2-roll, FUNKY belly- (still not obvious to most I'm pregnant). my hair was sloppily- quickly pulled into a pony-tail that morning and b/c of the heat and humidity there were fly always all over the place surrounding my sweaty, shiny, red face. Nails with paint chipped off the ends. And wearing very worn out, dirty, scuffed Adidas shoes. This woman was in the golf section, looking very speedily for some attire. I totally wanted to compliment this woman, she was wearing my quintessential look (including owning my desired body-mass-index!) so I did. As she walked by where I was standing, wiping away my eye-brow sweat I blurted out: "Um I just have to say, I love everything about your outfit, its fantastic! And I can't wait to not be pregnant anymore to have that body back!" (as if I ever got THAT hot!). The woman smiled and replied, "Believe me, I have a 2-yr-old, its work! But Thank you for much, that is really sweet!"



I could hardly believe it. The THIN woman was nice. Well I CAN believe it. My false judgments about "Thin women" have melted away a lot over the past few months of working on them. But even if she was rude I STILL loved the outfit! I think the reason why I get so excited is because obviously I have a style I love and while I can't really afford to dress it nor does it "FIT" in with a pregnant body at present, I'm just so happy that THAT style does exist AND I'm happy the style isn't popular, nor trendy! I would get a bit frustrated when I'd be in the singles ward and my friends would point out so-and-so's "awesome" outfit and how much they loved it. And so-and-so's outfits were always sooo Anthropologie, shabby-chic look- VERY trendy, very in. I guess it annoyed me BUTTTTT I'm double-standard cause...well I don't want "MY" look copied! I want to be CLASSIC and classic can't be CALSSIC when its trendy and everywhere! So really, I shouldn't have been intimated by "Anthro look!"



Well that was about it. When I finished work- who knows how long after I was beat, totally spent. Tom made me a hot bath after scrubbing out the tub and even lit some candles! And while I soaked he walked down to the Safeway to pick up one of my anti-nausea meds. So nice. For the rest of the day I basically didn’t do anything and I liked!

Baby Showers, Love Languages & Volvos

Okay I feel like I have lots to talk about and nothing all at the once so this blog might be super all over the place and not cohesive but...what's new?

First- Baby Showers. I thought Morgan had an interesting take on why parties being thrown for her can be uncomfortable- I feel the same but for different reasons. Like, growing up I loved going with my mom to bridal and baby showers even when I was very young; I just super loved being around older, experienced women who KNEW what they were talking about! I still feel this way which is probably why I enjoy Relief Society so much. Anyway... when I attended showers and took part in wishing the girl good luck and watching all the presents being opened it looked fun and there was a part of me that couldn't wait till it was my turn but...not neseccarily for the actual presents part, I just wanted it to be MY turn to get married!

In a nut-shell I just feel bad because I know how much time, engery, and cost it takes to put together even the simplest of parties and I feel bad that others are doing it for me ESPECIALLY during this time of recession and penny-pinching years! That's why I feel uncomfortable. I appreciate the willingness of others who either plan, put together the parties and for the persons who come bringing gifts- knowing they are on tight budgets too! I feel very grateful and yet very guilty! Let's see Dr. Laura says, "Guilt is used wrongly all the time! Real guilt comes when you're doing or have done something WRONG and not when you just FEEL like what you are doing/did is wrong!" So, do I really feel 'guilt' by others people sacrifices? Hmm YEP! Probably cause for the most part I don't recipocate. While I love gift-giving I haven't gift-gave or sacrificed my time like I use to when I lived on credit cards! And since I've seen the light, changed my ways, and budgeted for gift-giving- things have worked out BUT when income has changed suddenly- gift-giving isn't what it once was!

For the record! I LOVED those days when I shopped at Meier & Frank (Macy's) and would spend TONS on baby clothes for my nephew and Liam (first babies). IT WAS SO FUN!!!! I hope and look forward to the day when I can do that again. But for the record- I'm sorry I can't do that now for: Madison, triplets, Isla, Dottie, Elliott, Ruby, baby Sawyer, and Gardner baby! But please know- I think about all of them often, AND all of your birthday days too!

I do think its interesting that I am double-standard about gift-giving and time! I know they are love-languages and I usually like that door swinging one way! Like, I'm not a one-size-fits-all love language. I prefer to give and take differently with each relationship! For instance, With my parents: I want time and words of affirmation from them but how I like to show my love is with acts of service and gift-giving. With my husband: I want physical touch and TIME and in return I want to give touch and words whereas he likes acts of service and words! So I do lots of baking as acts of service- which I love to do anyway!With friends: I want their TIME and their words and with a few their touch! And in return I like to give gifts! So when the pocket book is empty I feel like I'm not giving LOVE and its tough so I try to give how I think they would like to receive! So ya- in general I want time from everyone and for the most part I don't like giving it BUT I don't mind giving acts of service which takes a lot of time AS LONG as its MY idea! Total time snob- I know!

Okay what else? Well its almos the end of July and I'm getting more nervous about what's gonna happen with our living situation. I think I've mentioned before how several people have moved out of our apartment building alone due to rates going up 150-200+ more a month. I've been crossing my fingers that during the past few months of seeing people move out but haven't witnessed people in- that the apartment management will get their acts together and bring the rates to a reasonable amount by the time we would need to resign come the end of August. Otherwise- moving at the end of August- in the heat, 3 weeks before I'm due GOOD NIGHT NURSE, PLEASE NO!!!!!

Car. Ugh. I almost just want to NOT talk about it cause its just so annoying. Car issues are just SO annoying, can I get an Amen! Tom's car is doing fine- there are some maintaince things that can be put off and thus we ARE but its now my car which has needed attention and is pulling a fit and thus we are giving it attention! It needs everything from new tires WHICH is a GAY story in itself! I got Firestone tires back in 2005 b/c Les Schwab had absolutely taken advantage of me with my '79 Dotson that was a P.O.S. thus I went with Firestone THO my dad DID warn me that they are worse than Lew Schwab- pretty much. Even though I have continuiously bought the 70K and 50K "good, recommended tires" for them- it has NEVER failed- every 18 months-2 yrs I have had to replace at least 2 tires. CRAPPY product! I WILL say that at least with Les Schwab I wasn't getting crappy tires- just crappy work done like alignments. So now, we are shopping around for new tires for the day when we can afford them (hopefully soon). My car also needs new radiator hoses, and something is going on with the steering wheel callum- (its been in the shop since Monday morning). I def have learned my lesson with American made cars- they MAY be cheaper in repairs and maintance than foreign but its still made CHEAP! Whereas Tom's car (Saab) has way more expensive fixes but for the most part have almost all been avoidable soooo for my dream car- I'm looking at a
Volvo! And for the record I've never been a car- girl but being married to a respector- of cars- husband, I have learned a few things! Thus, I'm liking this Volvo. I figure I can have 2011 in 2016! ;) But I'm sure by then we'll need a SUV! Ugh. lol

Okay that's my 2-cents for now!

Job loss, Anniversary, and Baby planning

Gosh...where to begin? So you know that phrase, "When it rains, its pours"? Well I wouldn't say its pouring (fingers crossed, knocking on wood) heck I wouldn't really say its even raining AND IN FACT me being such a lover of rain, cloudy, moody weather- I reSENT, that's right RESENT "cloudy, cold, moody weather" as in analgy for tough times! (Arms crossed and eyebrows raised!)

How would I compare tough times in a weather description? hmm Icy roads! Cause you feel like you have zero control no matter how expensive, awesome your 4-wheel drive is or salted the roads, when its slick, you're stuck! There, now let the NEW expression run like wild-fire! wahh hahaha

Okay so Tom lost his job June 27th- that sucked/sucks! And in my view the worse part is he really enjoyed his job. I think if he didn't like it so much it wouldn't have been such a bummer but what can ya do?

When it all went down I couldn't help but think of a line from "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" when a professor asked a group of MBA students, "What is risk?" The first person answered, "Being an entrepreneur!" And a second person answered, "Having only one source of income." I really liked that clear picture that with losing one resource can be absoluely detrimental while having multiple can be relieving. I liked the example the book used again to show this- the difference between a person who works for themselves as a yawn care person who when they lose one client its no biggy cause they have others lined up as apposed to a professional working for someone else. YES, a professional can, in theory, bring in much more income than say a yawn care person but that isn't quite the point nor is it always accurate. (You'll have to read the book or listen to it on cd to fully understand!) Anyway, my point is that when Tom told me he was fired I immediately thought of that line and felt comfortable that we still had two more income sources! And I've heard that there are men on craigslist who think pregnant women are sexy so there is a possiblity of 3 incomes! jk GROSS! Eww

I am again thankful for our budget! Its so...what's the word....rewarding. Dave Ramsey uses the phrase, "Telling your money what to do!" Its funny how true it is how much money you find you actually bring in when you know where every dime goes! Now I wish we brought in twice as much JUST to be getting Sallie Mae out of our lives that much quicker BUT it is still beneficial knowing we are cutting it out even one chunk at a time.

I'm huge. Its not even up for debate- its a fact; its real and its only spreading like the national debt! I took a couple pictures yesterday but will post them on FB on Wednesday.

On a funny note- last night, I must have been dreaming- I thought I saw a spider crawling along the "segretation pillow" (the body pillow Bek gave me- Tom came up with the name!) Anyway, I remember being a bit freaked-out and saying out loud- "Tom there's a big spider!" and then proceeded to lay directly on top of him and then fell back asleep. Tom never budged and when I asked him this morning if he remembered that- he had no memory whatsoever- even having the elephant wife laying on top of him for a good half hour! Looking back I'm pretty sure the "spider" was just in my dreams cause I think its body was a domino.....lol

Tom has a job interview today and another with Apple on Saturday and though I don't have any preferences where he works or even what the hours are- I mainly want him to be gamefully employeed where he is HAPPY!

OH Sunday is our 1st anniversary! Can you guys believe it? Cause I sure can't, seriously, its gone by SOOO fast!!!! Its been a great year! AHHHhhh I wish, SUPER wish we all lived close by and our husbands were friends too! Or at least that you ladies could meet my Tom! He's the complete opposite of immature, irresponsible, and insensative. Instead, "he's everything a man ought to be!" -Pride and Prejudice.

Tom pointed out a few days ago we have been pregnant and married longer than married and not pregnant- I was kinda bummed by that realization cause well- it just reminded me how my/our plans just didnt happen the way I/we wanted them. And though I've said this before, I feel like I've come to an even deeper conclusion that I don't know that I would have ever really wanted to have kids. Yes, yes I probably would have wanted to be pregnant- as my old self saw it as easy and even fun, "I'll be cute, and it will be no big deal!" Ahhh what a humbling adventure it has been! lol

I've been reading up on birthing and the different stages and the recommendations for coping with them, along with how Tom can be helpful and involved. During the 4th of July weekend my mom read her journal to us on her giving birth to me- in labor for ...3 days(?) And because she had back labor with all us the ways lamaz and different birthing techniques have it totally wrong (like- how when you have back labor the worse possible position to be in is on your back, in stir-ups- that's its a convenence for the doctor and totally not for you!) Hearing stuff like that made me kinda grumpy and resentful of doctors...  My mom had a midwife and doctor for my birth and Brian's and she still says it was the best experience by far! Everything my great friend- Ashley says (who's been studying Dulah) my mom said she also learned when she was pregnant! So it makes me happy those techniques/traditions aren't just trendy, hippy unsense. NOT that I ever really thought most of it was! Just sayin!

As of now what's my "birth plan"? TO GET THROUGH IT! I'm ABSOLUTELY NOT ruling out anything! Everything I've read and heard from women who have lived and birthed WAY more than me all say the same thing- each labor was unique and presented different complications. Thus, I can hope I will be good without meds/surgery/etc but I don't really know! I know I trust my doctor and I can do what I can to prepare and know that just like I had opinions/plans about WHEN I wanted to think about getting pregnant, how morning sickness is for weak women, and its arrogant to want to have a baby without drugs, I simply just don't know until I'm THERE! So- my conclusion? I'll do what I can and LISTEN to the advice of women who have gone through it and not get stuck on my prejudices!

Lastly, my mom made a BEAUTIFUL girl quilt for our baby! She's been hand sewing (GROSS) for months now and I think is actually gonna submit it into the Oregon State Fair! Its so darling. I hope its a girl just for the quilt! lol And mom is pretty darn convinced we're having a girl and feels its a waste of time to make anything boy. haha I'm not saying she's wrong cause I can't prove either way. She has suggested that I have the ability to find out what I'm having through prayer- which I completely agree with- however, I have come to really love the idea that in all my generations abilities and advancements- its pretty fun to have a connection to alllllllll ancestors whom never knew their sex of their kids until that moment of explosion and the words, "It's a GIRL" or "It's a BOY!" I'm eating it up! I relaly am excited to learn and find out in that moment! =)

Also, Tom and I have been very blessed by the sweetness of others! We have been given a play pin which is in great shape (boy colors but I don't care), we have a swing from my sister-in-law, and we have a crib coming, I think its brand new(?) What it looks like? I have no clue- its free and we're grateful! Oh and I think Tom's sister is sending a car seat her car seat that's super nice or something! Though, I don't want the obligation of needing to keep things in good shape to give back- you JUST don't know- no matter how anal or clean you are, crap happens, literally! So I might just do what I can to get one ourselves....

Okay that's about it from here! Sure love and miss all of you!
XOXO

Burnt Popcorn

Not sure that any of you know this about me but I don't only like burnt popcorn- I prefer it! Kinda weird, I know. I actually prefer burnt bacon too. Maybe it's some kind of reaction to years of "smoking pens" and now the only thing I taste is burning! haha

Anyway, the last few days have been...interesting.

Tom and I lost our free internet on Saturday, as our generous neighbors who gave us their password moved. And because we aren't willing to pay $45 bucks a month for internet we don't have it so if you guys email please don't think I'm ignoring you- I'll get the messages within 24 hours!

Also, on Saturday Tom and I went to the Temple and it was wonderful. Being pregnant has added a new paranoia of FEAR of PEEING MY PANTS. For instance: I leave work at 5pm on the dot. I immediately go the bathroom right before rushing to the bus. Because of several stops and city traffic it takes a little over an hour to get home. Where the bus drops me off to my apartment is about a mile. Its only the last few minutes of the walk that I'm chanting "you can make it, you can make it." I swear every office work day gets harder and harder to make it home. Infact, I stop drinking all liquids by 4pm to help get me home- wet-pants-free. But with the weather getting warmer and my diabetic dispositon of unquenchable thirst- NOT drinking is tough. So I was nervous about getting through a session but I made it just meant less time in the beautiful C. room.

Speaking of diabetes... Sunday morning I made Tom cinnamin rolls. I know you guys know that I enjoy baking/cooking and when I make foods I don't eat but still love and can feed them to people I love there's a sweet satisfaction that comes when others are enjoying the things I still love/miss and hearing their ooh and ahhs in conjuntion with enjoying the smells really makes me feel like I'M enjoying them too!

Well Sunday morning started off good. I had just hopped out of the shower to pull out the cinnamin rolls when the Princess-Leiah-bending-over to do so hurt my back. It wasn't like DEAR GOSH I'M GOING DOWN! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!! More like, AH dang it that hurt! Usually when I get a twinge like that I immediately go lay down and put my knees to my chest but I didn't. Instead I was wanting to finish the dang rolls instead. So in the few minutes I took to make my own creation of Maple-Cream-Cheese icing it was all over.

When I finally put my legs up I knew it wasn't gonna go away within 15-30 min like normal. After a few minutes I tried getting ready for church but Tom came in, saw my struggle and immediately had me lay down again.

I HATE missing church cause I really do enjoy Relief Society and taking the Sacrament. (Sunday School could be left out in my opinion EXCEPT when there's a great teacher than its cool in my book! ;)

While Tom was gone at church I got up once and it was BAD. I couldn't move in the slightest without severe pain. When he got home he asked me what we needed to do. I told him I needed to walk. Walking is painful! But Because I've gone through this several times I'm a seasoned pro. Well....seasoned as in gereactrics! lol

Getting out of bed in possibly the hardest part. Acutally rolling from side to the other can be full on torture, however, I'm SURE its hilarious to watch cause Tom giggled a few times but don't think he's mean just yet- he had to help me go the bathroom and get dressed in the last 24-36 hrs. Like pulling down and up my undies- kind of essential help! Its extrememly humbling.

He gave me a blessing last night which was very sweet. This morning I woke up and knew right away I wasn't going to work, I could hardly get to my anti-nausea meds which I've been needing more than normal lately as my stomach has been hurting extra the last week. I know my body and I know the rate of healing it takes to get over ANYTHING. The last time I hurt my back this bad was in spring '08. I had been bed-riddin for a week with no improvement so I relented and went to Dr. M. So that's what I did this morning.

Dr. M looked at my back and said I was very swollen and there was no way I was gonna be better before a week. I'm so glad Tom went with me because I don't think I would have been able to make the decision to get injections without him. You see, Dr. M told me I had two options- do nothing and it take a week/week and a half to start walking again or get injections (adjustments wouldn't do squat!). I asked if it was safe to have them being pregnant- since "injections" are painkillers/glucosamine. His answer put me in freak-out mode. He said there is a chance they could put me into labor- that it happens and the painkiller part is equivent to having an epidoral. He went on to tell me how not good taking tylenol is even with its popular acceptance during pregnancy. I asked Tom what he thought, he said he felt okay about it. I then re-asked Dr. M, "Okay, I know you're not suppose to answer this but whatever- if it was your wife..." And he answered quickly, "If it was my wife, I've give her injections!" I relented.

I balled. I did. They are so painful. I've only had them done once before without a heavy dose of oxy-codon and I balled then too. It takes me right back to that horrible spinal-tap gone "fubar" in '03. I was also crying cause the baby had been kicking a ton but once the injections started the kicking stopped and I got freaked. I kept thinking, I deserve ice cream after this! But even in the moment knew I didn't REALLY want ice cream, I wanted everything to be normal. In all the many times I've had them done I've NEVER seen the needle, only heard from my friends and family who have gone with me how it looks. About a 6" needle going straight down along my spine/shoulders/neck/under my scalp. In the moment it feels like a 10" butchers knife and afterwards feels like dozens of bee stings. I walked out of the appointment easier than when I went in.

On the way home I had injections-remorse and cried that I was worried cause before it was just my body that I was trying to fix but now I'm resposible for a little baby too and worried if I wasn't gonna go into labor I've critically injured it. Tom calmed me down. He said he had a calm feeling before Dr. M did them and still felt good about it. Thank goodness cause Mother-Bear was feeling terrible. I'm sure some of you will judge me/Tom about the decision and I would too, I won't lie.

I took a nap when we got back home but after 2 days in bed I got cabin-fever so I'm at the library to get out. Getting here wasn't pretty but I promised Tom I wouldn't over-exert and I'm not allowed to do housework beyond putting the sheets thru the washer/dryer. To be honest, it toke all I had to do that.

Walking is difficult. After getting injections I go backwards in pain before I can go forward. Moving in the slightest is painful b/c of the back injury and b/c of the soreness in having injections.

So what does this have to do with Diabetes? I got my results from my sugar test just a few hours ago. It was high, high for the medical world and VERY high to the standards I have been taught. My OB wants me to have another sugar test, its a 3-hour test. I'll go in fasting (only 8 hrs) then they'll have me drink the sugar thing again and then have me stay at the doctors office for 3 hrs following to test exactly HOW insulin reinsistant I am. When Tom called me at his lunch break I cried again about the whole thing. Frustrated that in all my efforts to control my diet- its still not enough, frustrated that while I own being insulin resistant for years, I don't want to own what that means past my diet, and frustrated again that I'm getting more sick WITHOUT eating chocolate and yummy things.

I didn't have chocolate nor any super sugary yummy thing. I feel good about that!
I remember in my SDB class the instructor saying we all have two wolves in us- the wolf who is the SDB and the wolf who is are Best self. Only 1 wolf can be the winner, so which one reins? The wolf we feed! I've been starving the SDB wolf for 4 weeks now and I have to say its rather quiet b/c its fading. Its feels freeing.

Okay its time to go home and lay down.

Baby Got Back-Fat

 

Alrighty folks, c'est moi 24 weeks pregnant with Middle C.

As some of you know we had a second ultra sound this past Tuesday but once again our efforts were thwarted by our little-little's legs being too so close together along with being breech and turned in such a way as to intersect any clear spotting of a weeny or  va-jay-jay. I guess it's just isn’t meant for us to know at this time. SOOoooo we'll ALL have to wait till he/she is born! =)

Picking out names is probably is up there in hard tasks such as computing the exact fuel needed to fly to Jupiter (which, if I'm remembering right that mission launched like 3-4 years ago and will orbit Saturn (?) twice to build up momentum before it whips out and shoots to Jupiter (?) traveling at incredible speeds -Danelle, am I thinking of the right mssion?) Anyway, where was I???

Oh yes, names. Ahh. Tom likes very traditional boy names ie., Patrick, James and even some Scandinavianess like Bjorn. Infact, Tom LOVES Bjorn. But it’s just not MASCULINE enough for me! I don't hear Bjorn exuding testosterone, you know? Tom is SO liking the name that he’s even brought up me choosing one of our kids’ names and he gets to choose this one if it’s a boy. Haha I do know it IS truly unfair, I’ve had my girl names picked for YEARS but…when we were dating I told Tom exactly that- and I remember where we were the moment I told him I was gonna have a daughter named Aurora. And you know what he said? “I love it!” So when I reminded Tom he already agreed to Aurora before we were married, he’s tried back-peddling. LOL it really shows me how much he likes Bjorn! Again, it’s too a-sexual.  

My favorites? Well….my latest favorite is Rush, THAT’S RIGHT, Rush! It’s very different while being bold, strong, and masculine. Tom doesn’t like it very much cause of the band and Rush Limbaugh references. But to me I wouldn’t name my kid Rush just cause I like Rush Limbaugh, I’d name our son Rush because Rush is different, interesting and it’s NOT a made-up name like I hear SOO many our of fellow generation Y’s annoyingly do for their off-spring. No one would have to ask him how to spell it or anything. Okay I also like Deacon, Duncan, Cedric.

As for girl names, well those are totally easy. Aurora Lily, or Saffron (Saffy for short) Scarlett.

I know there are many people who have their baby’s name totally picked out and have every baby-shower gift monogrammed with it but….to me I feel like it’s good to have a couple ideas in the air and when he/she is born you will be able to tell if he is a Bjorn or a Rush, or if she is an Aurora or a Saffy! Who knows maybe the baby will come out and just like our ultra sound will end up being “It’s Pat” LOL oh gosh no……

Anyway, I hope these pictures quench everyone’s baby-bump thirst. Though, I give fair warning it could also destroy anyone’s desire to be pregnant too!

Cravings

I’ll try to make this short while working in chronological order.

First: I’m going into my 3^rd week without chocolate, sugary sweets, and any other awesome foods. And just to recap, I’ve used chocolate as a false sense of security for so many years that simply trying to eat it in moderation is not an option at this point. BELIEVE ME, this has not been a walk in the park. I’ve had several days where I had to take it hour-by-hour and even minute-by-minute.

In almost every moment I was ready to give up Tom was there to be my sounding board. And In almost all of those moments none where craving based or a need to raise my blood sugar but were all moments of feeling  frustrated, vulnerable, and/or antsy.

Each time a “freak-out” occurred I had to cognitively allow myself to FEEL where and why I was feeling those emotions and then talk it through out loud how chocolate/over-eating/eating when I’m not hungry will #1.) NOT resolve these symptoms #2.) Acknowledge I am NOT drowning without those SDB (Self-Defeating Behaviors). #3.) Remind myself that chocolate, etc. hurts me and in no way protects me. #4.) Count all my blessings when I want to play the “fairness card” and envy naturally thin people who don’t have this SDB. #5.) Count MORE blessings when I’m playing the “other fairness card” when I wrongly think I’m the only person who works on their SDB instead of giving into it.

Yesterday was a BIG challenge. I was already feeling tired from a big Adidas merchandising visit the day before, we had just come back from another semi-disappointing ultra sound visit, and while I just wanted to go to bed I had to go to another Adidas merchandising job, plus I’ve been stressing, wait I’ve been CHOOSING to stress about our apartment. {We’ve had several, (6+) neighbors move out of our building alone in the past few weeks. It appears the management has raised rent $150-200 each month. I’ve been hoping by the time we need to re-sign at the end of August the management will have pulled down rent again seeing as people are moving out left and right but….not a single person has replaced them yet…..} AND I was stressing how a Dr.’s appointment on Friday confirmed my suspicions that there is a very good possibility that even with my willingness to change my diet I could still end up on insulin some day, along with the continuous need to narrow my diet more and more in the upcoming years as my natural insulin function lessens.

 Foods like pickled beets. YES, pickled beets have gone from being a gray area food to a black zone food. Where I would justify a banana now and then has become as aggressive in my body as a slice of cake. Dr. Milroy put it this way, “You’re doing the diet 90%, why not go 100%? Because you’re still in denial!” He was right. I do STILL fight it.

I had all those stresses and more going on in my head while I was about to leave for work when I started plotting HOW I was gonna get chocolate, WHAT quantity I was gonna eat and then how I was gonna justify it all to Tom afterwards. Tom must have been reading my mind because he just walked over and wrapped his arms around me and asked what was going on in my head. SHAME was the answer!

I could feel my body fighting. It’s like… it’s like having an addiction and when you’re having withdraws your body starts screaming: HURRY, DO SOMETHING, YOU’VE GONE LONG ENOUGH WITHOUT IT!!! ENOUGH! HURRRYYYY!!!! Yesterday I was right there. I had only been to that level of intolerance once or twice before WITHOUT giving in. I was ready to give in. But I didn’t.

I talked it through with Tom. I let myself feel the frustration of what is going on and all the while thinking and saying- I’m okay. I’m not drowning. I’m safe and all is good.

I wasn’t 100% perfectly happy-go-lucky afterwards but the plotting had ceased, my anger against ANYONE who eats chocolate, cereal, a piece of toast, or even a simple glass of milk subsided, while I felt anxious about work and working hard without chocolate went ahead and let myself feel that way- you know showing myself I won’t drown, I can stand up and be okay. I started positively planning ahead by seeing myself needing/wanting chocolate and making a chocolate run but NOT giving in and choosing to be satisfied with cold diet dr. pepper and mozzarella sticks.

By the time I got home I was exhausted so exhausted I twisted a light bulb in our bathroom which was rusted into the fixture and I KNEW was dangerous but me being wasted look at it and was like, this didn’t get fixed! AND then proceeded to twist it half in inch where it exploded in my hand. I’m still not sure how I wasn’t electrocuted….

Today I’m feeling okay. Emotionally I’m feeling okay. Physically I’m very sore and its moments like this I wonder if I’ll be able to keep up my rotations through the end of August as planned.

As for my feelings about not getting to know the sex of our little one? I’m okay. I have the image of what we saw burned in my mind. It’s kinda like one of those awesome M.C. Escher drawings where you see two different images but only one at a time! The first time I told the Dr. I wanted to guess when he was able to give me a good picture and I said,- “looks like a girl!” but this last time I thought I saw a little penis. The Dr. said I was seeing the umbilical cord but when he pointed where that was- I wasn’t even looking in that space! Haha So maybe I didn’t see anything?! Really, it’s kinda fun not knowing. Our delivery really will be like every 80’s movie I saw where the doctor announces, “It’s a GIRL!” or “It’s a BOY!” Instead of “It’s what you already knew!” LOL

And as for names Tom and I talk about? I’ll leave that for my NEXT blog!

WITH Lots of love and equal jealousy for all you carb eaters!

XO