Goodbye 2013

I know I've mentioned before how blah I am about New Years. I think it was a lot more fun when I was single and that excitement of "COULD THE ONE BE HERE AT THE DANCE TONIGHT??" Or I guess if Tom and I were drinkers we'd go bar hopping or something but obviously that's not us. So instead we treat last night like any other Sunday; enjoying the family time and not looking forward to work the next day. However...Any holiday, fun or not I am WAY more happy to be right here and now then all those years of longing and waiting so really, this is the best way to spend New Years (plus I remember everything from the night before and have ZERO regrets waking up to the guy next to me!)

Honestly, 2013 was rough. It kinda reminds me of 2003 now that I think of it. That while 2003 was jammed full of weddings and super big learning adventures, it was a very hard year where my headache/migraines peaked, I got terribly messed up from a prescription drug that is now one of those "if you or a loved one took 'blank' and has been experiencing long lasting effects contact So-and-So for a trillion dollar lawsuit" and lost 50 lbs. in 10 weeks and almost all of it muscle loss (not to mention very noticeable hair loss). While my headaches are now few and far between, the cause of them and the much bigger issue seems to be getting worse.

There is not a day that goes by that I am not hurting and wishing I had a live-in massage therapist. I don't mean massages with hot rocks and soothing music and light rub downs (though that sounds calming) I mean someone using their elbow (because hands and mechanical massage tools are too wide and are as effective as good intentions. When I have Tom work on my back and shoulders he has to use his elbow, body weight and gravity. It hurts really bad but it's the only thing that makes it feel loose and better. What does it feel like? My shoulders, along the underneath of my blades feel like I have ligaments pulled so tight I SWEAR I have been tempted to beg Tom to take a pair of scissors and just dig in the areas and just cut the ligaments/muscles entirely. I know it sounds gruesome. Beside those tight areas I'm so flippin sore along the rest of my shoulders that even a light pat or hug can hurt. 

Now for the interesting part! On Monday I FINALLY had X-rays done that I had been putting off (don't ask why) I was completely prepared to hear that nothing was found and my diagnosis would be somewhere in myofascial pain (close to fibromyalgia) and not have any real plan of fixing it. But... something was found. The X-ray tech was super nice and showed me all my X-rays. First was my neck. I already knew my head doesn't sit on my neck correctly but I got to see what it was doing exactly and compared to a healthy alignment- pretty interesting. I guess you could say I'm part ostrich. My shoulders: Not much was found but the tech said that is very typical b/c I was having X-rays not CAT scans done so picking up on muscle and ligament issues was gonna be pretty non-existant. My Back: ahhh my back. At first when the tech showed me I was like oh no I must have been standing weird I don't think I was standing straight but the tech was like I'm sure you were but let's do it over again just to make sure- same result- crookeder than a politician! I was shocked. I mean it makes sense I just wasn't expecting to see anything wrong. The lumbar is shaped about the same as...hmmm like a half oval? I think my follow up appt is next week and we'll see if my rheumatologist will refer me to an orthopedic specialist or what?  

Aside from the physical stuff 2013 kicked my butt depression and anxiety wise. I'm doing a few treatments and feeling a little more confident but overall its not something I ever experienced during my youth or 20's. I think it has been a HUGE humbling experience overall. I know Elder Holland talked about mental/emotional issues should not be any different than talking about high blood pressure, etc but I still struggle with acceptance. There are times where I feel an extra big wave coming and there's not much I can do other than recognizing it and knowing it will eventually leave after a few days. 

Now for the POSITIVE!

• 2013 marked one more year closer to 2016 election so THAT'S comforting. ;) 
• Benny turned 2 in September
• Ben's a great swimmer
• Has really great manners -saying thank you most of the time without being reminded! =)
• He loves hanging out with other kids
• He LOVES nursery! 
• He's gone potty on his potty a few times though I haven't seriously started potty training
• He's grown a ton! Wears 3 yr old clothes and some 4's (b/c I know he'll be there soon)

Tom and I worked out butts off and made our goal to pay off Department of Education before Christmas! 

Balance as of December 31, 2012

Balance as of December 31, 2013

• Tom is now working just one full time job and has been home more-ish and I am soooo happy for it! (So is Ben)
• I have finally felt what it means to be baby hungry. Hungry but not starving! ;)
• And I really should have mentioned this first!!! We have been soooo blessed all year by family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc. I absolutely know not a day goes by that we don't feel spoiled so much for the lives we had, things we have and don't have. Healthy, happy, sweet Ben, employment of plenty, beautiful country! 

I know there are so many other things that happened like Lacey getting married but I'm running late!

2014 is going to be a totally new adventure and we are SO flippin excited! 

Bucket List

Once Tom and I decided we were Texas bound we wrote out an "Oregon Bucket List". I kinda see it like this; you're either a native Oregonian or your from anywhere else. Because whether you're a NewYork: Hard-A or a Californian: nose-job-in-the-air or Texan: Go big or go home attitude they all kinda fit in the same box of proving they are the best whereas Oregonians...we're FINE letting everyone have their styles, attitudes, cultures, etc., because we don't TRY to be cool, we don't care and THAT'S what makes us the coolest. lol

And with that sassiness said its going to be hard leaving Oregon. I really like being an hour from the snowy mountains (not that I have EVER skied or been up to Timberline Lodge- you know where The Shining was filmed) and an hour to the coast (Where mermaids live). But I AM excited for a change. I can't promise I won't get me a pair of boots right away and wear button-up blouses with a jean jacket and always have straw hanging out my mouth ;) but I CAN promise I will NEVER switch to country music. SICK.

Oregonian Bucket List:

Visit OMSI
Visit Portland Zoo
Visit Silver Creek Falls
Visit Beach
Visit Mt. Hood
Visit Crater Lake

OMSI: On Friday night after Tom got off work from Apple we went to his RVKuhn's Christmas party. This marked our first time going out without Ben in 13 months. However, I do NOT count it as a date. Sitting with Tom's co-workers he barely even knows himself and trying to have conversation when all I really want is to have a quiet dinner with JUST my husband. So Friday was NOT a date! However, the Christmas party WAS at OMSI so we can count it towards our bucket list.

FYI: OMSI's exhibit is a Sherlock Holmes thing and well...it was lame. I guess you would like it if you were completely not analytical which is EXTREMELY ironic! The whole thing is you are shown a crime scene and you have stations where you try and "solve" the case from absolutely non essential crime scenes clues or false clues more like. But me being such an analytical person I was asking a thousand questions to the OMSI guides and personal helper who had already gone through it and knew the answers. Why am I even bring this up? It really bothered me! EVERY question I asked HAD everything to do with the answers/motive and ZERO of the "clues" had anything to do with the actual crime thus it makes me mad that the whole scenario is set up to make people challenge their observation skills when the reality is the scenario is TRULY set up to make people feel stupid by tricking them that they could "solve" a fake crime with zero information.

Portland Zoo: Tuesday night was buy one get one at the zoo so we went as soon as Tom got off work. Like most of U.S. Oregon has been super cold, way colder than we normally experience: highs in the teens and lows in the single digits. So we bundled up as close to A Christmas Story younger brother bundled while still being able to move. Every year the zoo does a fantastic display of "Zoo Lights" and this was the first time we've ever gone, heck, first time any of us has been to a zoo is years and years. My skepticism about the experience was pretty spot on. The actual zoo lights? Impressive. Actually seeing animals AT NIGHT and out in super cold weather when they are suppose to be in tropical/desert climates....let down. Most animals were "put away" for the night so they wouldn't DIE. We thought we saw the polar bear asleep way off but other than a white blur I can't be sure...it could have been a ghost. The elephant exhibit (MY FAVORITE ANIMAL) was closed but we could put our faces against the glass doors and see where they were kept. They were turned away from us so all you could make out was the little legs of the baby elephant under the big momma and her cute big bum. Animals we DID see???...HUGE fish, a coiled up anaconda (barely), bats, and a very depressing looking monkey.

For the record, and this might be a SHOCKER to some. I'm not PRO-zoo's. Call it my liberal side or whatever but I don't like it! There is no way any of those animals are happy is a space so small and living in an environment nothing like their natural. It always reminds me of Jurassic Park when the T-Rex doesn't want to be fed, he/she wants to hunt!

By the time we hurried through the park it was late and Ben's hands were so red and cold even with wearing gloves. So he got a hot bath when we got home.

As the the rest of the bucket list, we will hit what we can when we can. And as for a REAL DATE- that is coming next Thursday when its my birthday and you better believe Lacey will be watching Benny-Boop and we're going out!

In other news: Things are going well here. Tom changed to full time on November 25th and because he rarely used his vacation days he had over 3 weeks built up so technically he's on vacation with RVK since November 23rd and then he'll go back on Monday for one day and it will be his last. Tom is liking working at Apple full though he hasn't gotten use to working retail and being on his feet all day. It was kinda funny during Thanksgiving dinner we went around saying what we were thankful for and Tom said he was thankful to be going down to just full time. lol. Here, here.

I wish I had REMEMBERED to take photos at Thanksgiving! ahhh Well here's a week before at Baskin Robbins! Ya they still exist! 

This is his "Ben, smile!" face.

We went down town PDX last week and this was Ben's first time on a train! He loved it!

This is Ben saying LET ME IN ITS FREEZING OUT HERE!

Yep, that's a leash.

Tom laid on the floor and Ben went right over and this is how he wanted to snuggle =)

Ben was kinda weary about the bear

The Stars at Night are Big and Bright...

It's official, we will be moving to Fort Worth, Texas!

It's crazy even typing it like what??? really??? I'm such a damp Oregonian and though my politics are way closer to Texans than this blue state I like being an out spoken Tea Party-er in a sea of bleeding hearts than preaching to the choir but it will be fine.

When we announced our plans to my family the first thing Lacey said was, "umm do you know Jessica can't handle heat? She gets diarrhea!" Which is very true. My temperature tolerance is weak at best but I'll be fine. I'm kinda hoping the heat will sweat out the toxins and clean my system- totally NOT logical at all but I can still hope heat and humidity has powers beyond unclogging pores and causing diarrhea! Plus, when we went to South Dakota last year I learned first hand how windy it is on the plains and Arlington area is apparently no different. It's encouraging. I'm not so afraid of heat and humidity when there is plenty of wind. When I was in Houston in July though it was outrageously humid and hot there was plenty of wind and I will admit it was pleasant. =)

I'm also excited to experience a "real rain storm" since I've been told I don't know what a "real down pour looks like"....please BUT I am still excited and yes I will have zero reservations with running out into the street like a mad woman to let it soak into my skin. Man just thinking about it sounds so good. I'm not so excited that Fort Worth is on the tail of Tornado alley, close to the gulf i.e. hurricane stuff but I'm not afraid.

MOSTLY, I'm thrilled for Tom to be in a program he REALLY wants -mechanical/aero-space dual bachelors degree! I'm excited to get him through school faster, how fast? That has yet to be determined as I still have student loans that I believe can not be deferred and we do NOT want to take out student loans for Tom to pay mine- that's just STUPID! I will be working at least part time somewhere doing something. I'll let my merchandising job know I am still available to cover any summer installs or even stores within the area if needs be too.

Tom got promoted to "expert" at Apple last week. Basically, it means they like his leadership and work ethic and the whole position is to help others to follow his example. It doesn't sound like a big deal but they interviewed several people and just like when he was first applying he went through FOUR interviews (pretty excessive). He will be quitting his full time job in the middle of December and will be full time at Apple. It will be the first time in our entire marriage he'll only be working one job and fingers crossed he'll be home more often! It if its only for a few months until he starts school in Texas and it goes back he him gone 15+ hours a day and only having Sundays off.

In other news we are super excited to be paying off department of education by the end of the year! It's been a year long goal to do it and not without a lot of Heavenly Father's help and us sacrificing a ton!!! We are very happy. Believe me I want to get snooty every time I see photos of peoples' fun trips all over the world while we haven't had a real date out since well last November actually but its okay, really. I know there will be a day we will get to do the same and without getting into debt to do so and coming home without debt waiting for us either. Oh what a happy day it will be. But I have to say its a happy day now. I mean it. I know I've said this before, debt sucks BIG TIME but I'm thankful that we have had this time to rely on each other more than ever but mostly rely on the Lord and see first hand the out pouring in blessings that come from working towards being self sufficient and working as a team AND being grateful for what we have now!

 

Put a Leash on it

I just realized today is my favorite day of the year! Like, Thursdays are my favorite day of the week and my favorite time of the day is ohhh 11ish AM but October 23rd is my favorite! It's fall but the leaves are still turning, its cool but not chilly, the smell in the air is so fresh and fragrant of harvest, dang I love it!

So two weeks ago I threw-out my back AHHHGEN! I had moved around some furniture the day before but nothing major at all. My back never NOT feels good, it almost always feels like I have to be careful. Kinda like... 60% of the time it hurts/sore 30% of the time it feels like its on the verge of going out again which can last hours of days and 10% of the time my back is out. "Out" is such a weird world. It's not a light bulb that can be replaced, unless anyone of you knows of a spin replacement surgeon? And its not "out" as in gay and proud. And its not "Out-back" where I immediately want steak now! I was told a several years ago I don't heal very well, how would I know any different, its what I've known. But within the last year its become very front and center in my realization just how poorly I am "healing".

I back went out two weeks ago, I'm walking but stiff, still hurting every moment of the day and night, I've gone back to taking tylenol and advil, etc just about everyday, still wearing my back brace every day, all day long and only for church do I take it off but most of the time I regret it and DEFINITELY regret wearing my heals too; dang you fashion! I AM very happy it didn't go out so bad I needed injections, in fact this was VERY mild comparatively, truly!

I saw a rheumatologist last week to rule out fibromyalgia which was was ruled out but not myofascial pain. Its all extremely overlapping in symptoms and even more difficult to fully diagnose and really I don't care WHAT it is (per se) I just know I was unimpressed with that appointment and think seeing a bone and nerve doctor OR finding a new chiropractor. More than anything I am 30 NOT 85. I AM a pusher and I DO do a ton of hard labor crap but not enough that I should be crippled up so often like I am.

Okay I'm done with my complaining! Now for MORE complaining! ;) LONG story short I went and got shoes at Macy's while my back was out but it was cold and dang it my feet were freezing. Ben took off and in a blink-LITERALLY I saw him and then didn't. I attempted to walk fast looking down isles and watching for peoples heads turning to see a kid and I was listening for running and Ben's laugh....nothing. It's hard to say how long it really was that I had ZERO idea where he was but every moment was scary. I think the only thing keeping me from bursting into tears was I knew I would find him and the chances of a predator RIGHT there waiting for him to run off to snatch him up was low (at least I was HOPING it was low!) After 45 seconds of looking and watching I saw him clear on the other side of Macy's -running and by the time I got to the spot there was no sign on him other than me asking ppl, did you see a little 2 yr old blonde boy running? Until I had a line up of women pointing in his direction. I finally caught up to him whilst in a hobbling trot...I must have looked horrible...and a grandma looking woman had to stop him for me. I wanted to spank his butt raw but I didn't. I held him tight and was so glad he was safe! Ben thought it was all funny as heck, I knew he wouldn't understand even if I did spank him so I didn't. I ended up holding him most of the rest of the time so he wouldn't run off as he resisted and I thought I was gonna cry just from the pain let alone from the frustration but I didn't. I ended up buying the first shoes that they had in my size AND the sad story is I had to take them back today because they fell apart almost immediately like I had ran a marathon in them or something, it was weird. BUTttt this time when I went back I had Ben in his brand new kid leash "harness" is how its marketed. I wish I could say it was easier...not really.

Ben learned immediately that he couldn't run away and when I yanked in the direction he didn't want to go he'd throw himself down and did just that on our way out banging his head/ear into the corner of the glass door. I thought for sure someone was going to see it wrong like I yanked him into the door and I'd be on the news as the next most wanted horrible mom! I took little Ben to the car and gave him a sucker trying to explain how he can't throw his head back because its ouchy and going to hurt and how I loved him and want him to be safe and stay with me like a big boy. I'm not sure how much sank in after the sucker was handed over but I can hope those days are numbered.

On a VERY VERY happy note! Ben has slept through the night 3 times in the last couple weeks! It's a MIRACLE!!! I've been giving him that "Calm Kids" stuff every night, I've been taking him to the park in the afternoon just about every day, and I've moved his bed time from 7:30 to 8:30pm so whether its one of these or all of these its made a huge difference. IF he wakes up with pain or thrashing its now short lived and usually only once instead of an average of 3+ times.

I've been forcing myself to take naps and I've felt a difference. Some days I let Ben fall asleep in our bed and then I'll go in after I've had a little zone-out time and sleep too or I do what I did today and snatch him from his bed and bring him into our bed so we can nap together =) It's one of my favorite times together. He'll sometimes grab my hand and want to hold it while he sleeps and/or cuddle up with his arm over me; I eat it up!!! And boy can he snore.

Birthday Boy

I've been meaning to blog about Ben turning 2 for a month but holy cow was September insanely fast for anyone else? Not just fast but it actually doesn't make any sense. I think the summer as a whole was intense. There were a few days that seemed to last forever but the rest was a wink in the dark.

We celebrated Ben's birthday with my family on Labor Day and then did a small thing on his actual birthday. He got some much needed clothes from Grandma and Grandpa White, Thomas the Train coloring book and trains from his cousins, money from Great Grandpa & Grandma Tronier, Grandma & Grandpa Clark, and Tom and I decided to cash in our coin jar we'd been saving for the past three years (~$68) and used it on Ben's presents: Babies R us clearance clothes for next summer including a pair of sandals for $2.88! Plus we got him some more Brio trains for his impressive track collection and a bag of Mega Bloks. He loves them ALL!