"We Got a Gopher"

Well actually a climber. This isn't the first escape either. The first was back in January. I heard a thud from his room and then silence and then all of a sudden he was walking out from his room. I know it sounds funny but I was actually freaked out like I was seeing a ghost! Like WHATTT??? You are suppose to be in your crib NOT climbing out AND figuring how to open your door ALL in the same moment. I don't think I blinked for a few minutes. At the time he got a talking to and we went over how climbing out was a "no-no ouchy" and he got it. But now, he's figured out how to not make it such an ouchy though putting him is his crib as his time-out place might not work anymore!

I was just thinking, hmm its been a month since I blogged...so what's happened in the last month? Short answer, a ton of little things oh and some big things too. Details to come.

First, I feel like a jerk for not mentioning Lacey getting married before now. Honestly, I think its because I'm finally coming to terms. It has nothing to do with the groom and everything to do with how I see Lacey. Lacey is 9 yrs younger than me and thus I will always see her as a 4-7 year old. So as far as I'm concerned she's NOT allowed to have her period let alone get married and do...stuff. I'm ridiculous, I know.

Second, I've been trying to eat better lately. No that doesn't mean how most people mean "eating better." Like eating more vegetables and less donuts...(rolling my eyes to myself) It means being better at eating. Period. No I am not a closet anorexic. Mostly, I just don't make meals. Tom's only home for dinner once a week, TWICE maybbbeee once a month. Anyway, I've been terrible about BUYING food for me. It's just freakin expensive to buy for two ppl with 2 different diets. -Not that Tom is opposed to eating like me, its simply way cheaper to cook for ppl like him. Anyway- I haven't been starving myself out of martyrdom (some times sure) most of the time nothing sounds good and even sounds gross so I don't eat. I don't eat until I'm literally having a diabetic freak-out and Tom uses his "I'm taking charge" voice and brings me home a hamburger without buns whether or not I want to eat it. I feel like a have a few issues I need to figure out.

#1. Learn new recipes! Tom's urged me to sign up for a daily meal plan/grocery list thing that caters to any diet but when I've looked at examples I get turned off. Ginger....Cumin...Peanut sauce...NOT IN THIS MOUTH, Thank you very much! lol Really, I think I could still find some great recipes despite.

#2. I don't like eating my own food. Anyone else have this weird issue? Pretty sure this is all in my head! Once, years ago at Bek's I was visiting and we were talking about just that and we decided to make each other's sandwiches because we didn't like how ours normally tasted and sure enough- the same ingredients but different hands produced sandwiches we thought were the best ever! I still remember that turkey sandwich..."mmhmmm turkey sandwich aaarruuuggg" -Homer Simpson At the same time I was over at a friends house for dinner and I couldn't eat enough sugar-free jello! (Thank you Kristen =) I mean it was jello and I thought it was the best thing in the world. I've told Tom that when we are "rich" i.e., able to blow money like no biggy...so like when we're 115, I  REALLY want to eat out all the time! I KNOW I'd be getting awesome nutrition. Gosh just thinking about salad and soups and steak and more meat and more salad and YES I want extra Bleu Cheese dressing, thank you very much, please leave the bucket oh and I need a refill! (By then it will only be water, I'll have kicked my diet dp addiction....fine I won't lie no I wouldn't have).

#3. Drinking water- still working on it- stop pushing me people! lol It's annoying but I'm pushing myself. I've had 2 glasses today, that's 1 more than I usually drink in 2 days!

Benny-Booper: He's awesome and better than ever. He has these surges of testosterone throughout the day, right after his nap and again from 4-bedtime where he is in destruction mode, ramming his toys into the walls into each other. I'm actually afraid he's going to break the sliding glass door b/c he gets so rough. I don't mind his moments of male-ness I just worry about him going thru GLASS! Little Super Man.
It's fun to go into nursery after I finish singing time in primary to do singing time in nursery. Ben loves the songs. There's one that makes him laugh and laugh but I can't sing it anymore because it makes another little boy cry- its a silly alligator song where the alligator eats monkeys who are teasing him. hmm maybe it is disturbing. haha it's not meant to be scary and I think I extra like it because monkeys die- I don't like monkeys.

Tom: Tom is Tom! I was talking to someone the other day and they said oh did you get to go on a date then? And I was like ah no? The last time we went on a date was dinner for my birthday- if Ben was with us does that count as a date? Otherwise our last date was in November. Our anniversary is coming up so we'll do something just us. At the moment I feel okay about the loneliness but for now I'm letting my meds do there purpose! Anyway- he's enjoying a much easier semester and doing fantastically. He's perfect. I'm sorry to be gushy-annoying, he's not only perfect for me but I really hope I don't die young (for many reasons) but mostly he'd be snatched up so fast. He's the whole package. Biggest Attribute HAS the Patience of a SAINT ESPECIALLY during the wrath of a pms-ing woman. Biggest Fault -loves watching James Bond (once a semester).

This was my Mother's Day gift! We got home from church at normal time 2:45pm and Ben would not go down he was overly tired and throwing a massive fit so I put him on my lap and turned on my other M. Day gift (season 1 of Call the Midwife) Ben calmed down immediately and fall asleep. That was the first time he fell asleep in my arms since he was a newborn =)

Okay laugh all you want. Ben LOVES Call the Midwife. I'm pretty sure its because he likes the accents and I wonder if he thinks Thomas the Train is going to come on because there are english accents on that show? Whatever the reason he'll sit and watch it for 5 minutes solid.

Benny-Boo with dad. Ben had woken up so I kept him up until Tom got home so they could see each other twice that day.

Okay I look terrible in this photo- I'd just finished an episode of Call the Midwife so naturally I cried and was gross but come on look at that chunky smile of Ben's! AHHH DORABLE!

Family time at 10pm

Cut Above the Rest

I'm sure I'm whining to the choir on this one when I say this winter has been the worse ever for sickness. I mean, I didn't live through Cholera or the Russian Flu, or Yellow Fever or "consumption" ;) but for the love I'm not even sure how many times Ben's been sick. He went from my little guy who I secretly and not so secretly boasted NEVER had gotten sick throughout his first 14 months of life to being constantly sick SINCE 14 months! Even Tom had NEVER been sick throughout all our dating and first couple years of marriage. He, himself has had 2 colds and one of them bad enough he was on some heavy antibiotics due to pneumonia which then Ben got too.

As of late lil Ben's got a virus with borderline bronchitis, throwing up 3+ a day since Sunday. Every time I think he's getting better and finally eating again the coughing starts up until it ends with a fountain of vomit. It's so sad, isn't it, when you're little one is sick but doesn't understand what's going on and they're so crabby and achey and irritable and then its not long before YOU are extra tired and crabby and achey and irritable.

Anyway, whatever the reason for the surge of extra bad cold/flu season I feel should be investigated- like its own 911 Commission report; which by the way my brother Rex is the only person I personally know who read every page of the report. Anyway, though I'm half joking I am also half serious...it just seems weird most of the country had at least 1 bad illness. Illegals bringing in a NEW breed of Russian flu? Alien invasion? (Stephanie Meyer was trying to worn us?!!!) Or our government trying to wipe out the weakest links? Lol

Saturday I gave Ben his first hair cut. It was so hard cutting his adorable curls!!! I had been asked just the day before how old "SHE is" and again a good month before that as well- though that was hardly the reason I performed the surgery. His hair, when wet it, reached down to his shoulder blades but dry was all in sweet curls cos he's got my hair type with Tom's coloring. Anyway, my plan was to cut while he was in his highchair watching something to distract him but I didn't I sat him on the bathroom counter and just starting cutting as best I could with the unpredictable moving child who at any moment could turn and get his ear snipped so the cut is not fancy nor good. In fact, I think I gave him a George Clooney circa '97 when he was on ER, you know when people were trying to bring back the Caesar look; i.e. I cut his bangs too short....

In other news: I got season one of Downton from the library and watched the whole thing in a day. I liked it. Thus far I've seen season 1 and 3 and can NOT find any redeeming qualities whats-so-ever in Thomas and O'Brien soooo I hope there are some in season 2. BUT "Call the Midwife" is back on! It's kinda frustrating its not being made a big deal like Downton is but I'm okay with that because #1. I happen to think its BRILLIANT and don't care if its popular or not! It's SO well done; the script, the character developments, its all so beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time etc etc. First time I turned it on I ended up not even getting to the couch because I didn't want to miss even a micro-second of it so I sat in front of the tv like an elementary kid for the entire hour shhhhhing Tom if he even sneezed too loud from the other room! I have yet to get through an episode without crying. Tom thinks I'm so funny for loving a show that makes me bawl! hehe

I'm enjoying my calling, well the Primary chorister one at least. There have been weeks I've put in at least 20 hours of work into it and funny enough its kinda like high school and college for me...the more I put in work the more I feel like it didn't go as smooth and the weeks I put in a few hours go much better. Why the crap is that? I would study hard and long and flunk tests right and left and when I barely studied I'd get B's....sooo there was no motivation to study. However, with music and kids I feel its very important I still prepare as much as I can relearning songs and making sure I have enough music to sing and changing things up often enough to keep their attention since I feel primary music is essential. I like what my mom also says about it- no one remembers the talks or sharing time activities, its the music and singing time kids remember! So true. We grew up also having music playing in the car in the house, wherever and a lot of that was primary songs- its a tradition I am DEFINITELY keeping. Speaking of music. I grew up listening to another tape that was from Discovery Toys with songs about manners, numbers, nursery rhymes, etc. and all sung by the same woman accompanied by a guitar and interestingly enough they are played to the rhythm of a sleeping heart. Anyway, I got the tape from my mom- it was super well loved and we tried to repair it but my tape player finished its time here on Earth and it passed on so I contacted Discovery Toys, emailing them if BY chance they still had that exact music available 25 years later?! Sure enough, they do! So I was happy to order it and its on its way SOOO I have to eat my words, SOME mlm's have quality product(s). I also ordered some developmental mosaic tiles that are fantastic for coordination which we had growing up too.

I think my Benny-boop is getting bigger, well duh, I mean his face is changing I see it happening more and more- he's morphing into Tom's looks =) He minds pretty freakin well for a 19 month old. I'll give him items like his bibs and tell him to go put it away and he takes it to the kitchen and puts it in the correct drawer making sure none of its hanging out and then shuts the drawer all the way. I'm still trying to get him to eat real food all the time but with him being sick I can barely get him to eat the junk foods. He loves the park. He runs everywhere and isn't scared to explore though I'm the one freaking out as I'm running all over getting a Jane Fonda work out- its really not fair I'm not 105lbs with the exercise that comes from chasing kidlets, okay me 105lbs would be gross I don't want to be anywhere near that number.

Tom: Tom's doing pretty good. Started spring term last week in Calculus IV....I had to spell-check "calculus". He's happy he's done with all his numerous Physic courses and SO AM I. We've reunited with a friend from our single ward days who is now married to a really awesome chickabee and we've been able to have a couple Sunday dinners together which Tom is especially happy with since he has zero time for any guy nights so being able to socialize every few weeks has been good.

I caught him hanging out in the back of his stroller =D

post hair cut tho this was right after a nap so its all disheveled 

Ben in mid-cough

Oh mom stop taking my picture

Busy Nothings

March has been intense. Several times a year certain special projects come up, three times a year extra special projects hit at the same time as the others and twice a year extra, extra special projects arise on top of all the others. It actually makes for interesting conference calls- when you hear your boss not holding back on how she feels about "certain companies" to all her 50+ employees lol.

Anyway- the result was a lot of driving. Medford (4.5 hours one-way) I drove to Eugene (100 miles away) and Salem twice each, not including my Portland stores. Ben threw up a total of 4 different times through these drives to and from Grandma's. It's not car sickness, its he hates his car seat and especially any drive longer than 15 minutes results in freak outs. What's a freak-out? Starts by becoming extremely disinterested in all his AWESOME toys, books, sippy cup, snacks in all varieties and diabetes-causing sugar amounts, screams for me to reach back and hold his hand or face until he's had enough of that and then screams to the point of vomiting, screams more and vomits, etc, etc, until there's ZERO way he has anything left to vomit. Then screams because he's smeared his vomit into his eyes; I hold his hand and face again (which is an a horribly uncomfortable position and makes my arm fall asleep immediately and then throbs but if I re-track it- all H starts over again. And then he falls asleep until I break at a light then he wakes up, remembers his surroundings and the screaming continues until we're home. Actually, sometimes he's so upset it takes a good 20 minutes to calm him down even then.

He must get it from the Clark side?? White's love car rides. Only Lacey ever had problems which were actual car sickness when she was young but there was no screaming from anyone...well unless we were fighting! ;)

I wish I could just accept the screaming and be fine but I cannot. To me its the same as putting my hand on a hot stove....just ignoring it will NOT help, every millisecond is torture on both of us. I want to put Ben in his forward facing car seat but Tom doesn't feel right about it- not until he's 2 yrs old and weighs more. I get grumpy like ummm you don't have to drive with him but I know in my gut I don't want to take the risk either. So for now...it is what it is.

My hair- not an interesting topic but sure I'll talk about it. So long story short I did a bunch of reading and researchin' and came to the conclusion I needed to get some dandruff shampoo! I don't have actual dandruff but itchy, smelly scalp. I thought my scalp was totally normal and sure its "normal" for me but I'm done with it! I didn't realize until super recently I had a very itchy scalp- I thought it was my paranoia to the billionth power to head lice that made me itch and look in the mirror almost every single day at my scalp searching for nasties and noticing every single time ANYONE scratches their head in church, making me nervous until I realized wait I am scratching way more than they are!!! EEEKKK Also, I know I took better notice to how my scalp smells icky by the end of the day; smelling musky and oily, and how even deep cleansing shampoos and hot hot water won't even touch the problem. I guess the problem is bacteria that lives in the scalp and in the hair shaft and a dermatologists RX will really treat it so I looked into what the RX is and found I could try doing it myself with buying 2 different types of shampoos- One with sulfide and the other with an acid for whatever reason to have one bottle with both ingredients takes a RX...I was even a little nervous putting both shampoos on at the same time. Like, when this create a hydrogen bomb and I'll be dead before I know it? Or will it make my head burn off or my hair fall out? haha thus far it's worked like a charm- no itch, no smell (well dandruff shampoo is RANK- smells like rotten eggs so I shampoo with a regular, good-smelling stuff to get the nasty smell out). My hair feels SO clean and it stays clean way longer than ever!

Okay enough about hair. Spring break was this week, it meant Tom was HOME Monday and Wednesday evening. Monday we had FHE and Tom took us out for ice cream! Wednesday I wanted to go to the Temple but I THOUGHT I had a church meeting and was all uptight and agree about going to it only to get there, no one show up and then realize I got the MONTH wrong! WE COULD HAVE GONE TO THE TEMPLE! grrr As it was Tom and I just zoned out on the couch together after Ben went down. Ben LOVED seeing dad before bed time- that only happens Sundays.

Tom: had a birthday on the 20th! He got his apple tv he's been wanting forrrrrreverrrrrr. I told him we would get it AFTER we pay off my department of ed loans (sometime in September) and I was secretly going to get it for his birthday but he kept bringing it up and saying how he wanted it sooner so I was like- Okay fine! Ruin your surprise, I already talked to Laura (his co-worker) and I was gonna get it through her, now you've ruined your surprise and everything! okay I wasn't THAT upset. I like surprising him but hello I couldn't take it anymore. For the record, I don't get what the apple tv does. BUT I fully accept responsibility for it! When Tom asks if he can show me how ANY electronical thingy works I usually say, "Okay but only for 5 minutes!" So he's got 5 minutes to talk gaget stuff and even then its painful. Its the only subject I am THAT repelled of- who the heck thinks this crap up? Its all so complicated and YES I know I sound like an 80 yr old! So we have it and I don't know really how to use it other than watch movie trailers butttt....I can do that on the laptop soooo we spent how much to do what we could already do ???? yaaaaa......

Ben! He's a growing and talking more and more and so moving into the terrible 2's! I remember in Texas when Amanda said, "So lately Sawyer's been starting this whining thing that's so freaking annoying- I just want to say shut up!" Or something along those lines. Ben's started it now. OH MY GOSH! Not crying, whining just loud and in long enough suspended notes you DO want to yell SHUT UP! He stayed in nursery the whole time this last Sunday! Tom drops him off, I come in for singing time with the kids and then carefully get out without Ben attaching himself to my leg which the only way off is with a crow-bar or saying HEY Thomas the Train is on!

Last Friday I took him down to a pool Lacey works at where he barfed his guts out after he took in a big gulps' worth of pool water. They had to have everyone get out of the pool while some kids fished out the chunks and other upped the chlorine for a good 45 minutes. As Lacey was bringing him to be he was still throwing up and kept barfing in the shower. Then he smiled and was ready to go back in! lol I think not.

Bottoms Up! He loves holding his sippy this way?!

In an Apple store- Tom showing me how the new iPod works (he had 5 minutes with that too), I need a new iPod AND camera though I hate technology I know I need a new thingy.

Workers scoopin out Ben's chunks haha sorry

I told Ben to say sorry to everyone for barfing (as a ton of ppl left) so he waved bye. lol

Lacey and Ben after the Barf of 2013 

Showing off how comfortable he is showering!

Processing

WARNING!!!!!! THIS BLOG POST IS VERY GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING!!!!!!!!

I made a BIG mistake. I watched a YouTube video posted on Facebook and I knew better before I even played it. Before I started it I told myself of this might be a very inappropriate prank and its all fake. It wasn't. It was half security camera footage and half media footage after the fact. I didn't even finish it it was Thee single most depressing thing I have seen in this world.
A security camera filmed footage of a child, a 2 year old toddler in the street (looked like China so the street was more like an alley) hit by a car going like 5 miles an hour, car stops keeps going which then drove over the toddler a second time with the back wheels, another car comes and drives over the child and several by passers stare and then continue on while the child is still moving a little, one woman comes over checks the still alive child and then drags him/her to the side of the lane and then walked and then after some amount of time a woman comes over- what looked like his/her mom picks up the child and rushed away. -The aftermath footage is from the media obviously doing a story about these events showing the footage and then filming the reactions of the mother after the baby had died shortly after being found.

I woke up Tom bawling. I couldn't catch my breath. For a moment I wanted to say no no no it was a SICK joke but I knew better. Even if the footage were fake we all know this kind of thing happens all over the world and probably in numbers we don't ever want to know. Please, just talk to anyone who's been to China, North Korea, etc. where baby girls are left in the street for the purpose of being killed.

For a second I wanted to understand WHY did no one do ANYTHING GOOD! I remembered what Rush said once about how people immediately want to understand the mentality of people behind disgusting acts of inhumanity, ie the natural man (man without God/God's presence). But attempting to understanding and even relate to that thinking doesn't help to prevent anything, it only masks and devalues and justifies, and in time deadens the sensitivity of the those who love their fellow man until they are just as incomprehensible themselves.

Tom comforted me while I just tried to breathe, talking about how all those children (one's abused in all meaning of the word) are with their real parents (Heavenly Father & Mother) and safe and loved but most importantly they were too pure for this world. I think if someone weren't spiritual and/or religious how those words of comfort are our way of justifying; of course not, instead its our faith and hope that justice and mercy will prevail.

I know I've mentioned before how these kinds of stories have always been so hard to take, please I've been super sensitive to......everything since I can remember (I cried in All Dogs Go to Heaven when I was like 6 when the little girl sang about just wanting a family, I cried at the end of Always when I  was 8, I cried at every baptism/church movie played when families would talk about their little children who had died and how they grew closer as a family and God from it, I was a MESS when I went to youth conference and gained my testimony for Joseph Smith and of his life, experiences and martyrdom, growing up I avoided reading the Ensign because it seem even though the stories had happy endings I was still a mess feeling empathy; fyi- do you know how hard it is to go through school/college being this way?! But I swear the worse has been since I've had Ben, any kind of report of babies being abused immediately causes severe reactions in me. I use to be able to talk about abortion...heatedly but still under control but now I can barely think about it without breaking down so talking about it is NOT an option anymore!

At this moment, I just keep thinking about what Bek said after the Sandy Hook shootings and how she took comfort rooting from an experience she had when she was little and from that event she strongly believes angels are especially with children during sickness, torture and death, etc.. I pray that when these unthinkable, monstrosities occur they are freed from pain but I think of cancer kids- they most certainly feel sickness and pain. Tom said that the veil between us and the spirit world is incredibly thin and he has no doubt our family and friends, helpers of all kinds are with us as much as they can and their were spirits with that little child. He also reminded me of the scripture about how not a single sparrow falls without Heavenly Father's knowledge and compassion.

Truth be told I'm having a hard time not HATING just about every single person involved with that event (minus the child of course). I know that the Atonement covers all of them and yes it DOES help. I think what I'm MOST so sad about is I have zero control. There's not a DANG thing I can do. Yes, I can be a fantastic mom and teach my children what Love, REAL LOVE looks and sounds and feels like so they will react to violence the same way- having zero tolerance for it. But other than that the world is sprinkled (trying to be optimistic and not think COVERED) with foul people so I have to HOPE more people are like me than not.


Okay I'm going to get out of the house today and take Ben down to Salem to going swimming with Aunt Lacey and me!

How to TICK ME OFF

Last week started like a race, the gun went off and BAM I was off.

Monday: I made Ben an appt @ 4pm after his cough went from "that's not good" to "that is not a human sound" so worked even faster to finish a TON of work so I could get back to mom's, quickly grab some more awesome music visuals for Primary while she told me what I missed in the first 45 minutes of the season finale of Downton (I was cutting Tom's hair and couldn't hear a thing!) and then get on the road by 2:45pm to get back up to Pdx. I did, we made it and THANK GOODNESS I made the appt. it turned out Ben had both bronchitis and pneumonia. I was shocked and felt so bad for my baby. We then we drove across town (in Portland that's asking a lot during 5 o'clock traffic, I know you bigger city folk understand) and even though it had been a good 2 hours since the doctor faxed in his Rx's we had to wait in the grocery stores' waiting room with a very tired, very sick, very fussy and destructive toddler for a good 30 minutes. I had to hold him like a football by the time his stuff was finally ready and I was signing and paying for it while Ben's steady stream of snot and screams waterfall-ed all over everything! I felt stares and it didn't help I looked like white trash; so disheveled and gross from sweating all day at work. oh well haha

When I got home I did a double-take and saw Tom pulling up. He skipped class to come home to help out. =) I tried to do my reporting for work but our internet was the lowest grade and it took ~3 min to upload a single picture and on average I need to upload 96+ per store visit so we decided to spend an extra 15 a month to get the better internet I needed for the what really is only 5 days a month...kinda annoying but then again driving to the library or impossing on Ash to let me use her interest whist Ben destroys her house is MORE frustrating; I'll pay the extra $15. Done.

Tuesday: Same work, different store. I don't know what it is, maybe the location, the snotty Lake Oswego (ie Portland suburbs crowd) but the staff is difficult, it was like PULLING teeth to get the shoe's department lead to do a few tasks which if he had been trained properly he would understand the seriousness each vendor stresses on quickness on getting new launches out. A good year and a half ago one of the supervisors tried blaming me for a box of product being left in the warehouse. Its like accidentally leaving your kids in a freezer. Ah Noooo that was NOT me!

Wednesday: I worked in Eugene and started at 7:45AM- about 2 hours away. I took Tom's car. His car is a Saab and has a lot more getty-up than mine. AND it has a stereo, mine has a tape player =D lol So I got to rock out and listen to song after song, adjusting the sunroof and what not. I got home in the early evening and was pretty tired.

Thursday: No more work, feeling more and more sore in my shoulders and back. I have Tom put his elbow into my back and shoulders and press in as hard as he can b/c my knots are so tight. It hurts like a mother.

Friday: I felt my wave beginning to reach maximum threshold and knew it was a matter of time before the flood gates opened and the wrath therein would storm out and nothing would survive in its wake. LOL Which brings me to my pet-peeve like #1 of allllll time! Long story short I had been completely mislead into attending a MLM presentation. I showed up with Ben who was less sick but still sick at 7pm (almost bed time) planning to do a quick in and out congratulating this person on something that I found out did not exist at all and instead of, greeted with, "Yeah you came, you're the only person coming tonight!" I wanted to scream and throw something. I made it known immediately I was under the impression the event was NOT what I thought it was and how I was confused. Then I just threw it out there that I worked for the top mlm attorney world-wide (not exaggerating) then had to explain to them what a mlm attorney does. I don't know why I didn't just say this doesn't work for me, bye. So I sat down but before I let them just start I stressed that it was Ben's bed time and he had pneumonia- that didn't seem to phase anyone. That tweaked me most of all. I stressed that my dietetic needs would not allow their drinks and supplements. They responded with "Actually, (blank- the company) LOVES Diabetics!" I said, "That's a sentence I haven't heard before." lol

I sat there and just tried to act interested all the while wishing a stray bullet would enter the place and hit  me. Not killing, just grazing my arm or something- give me a reason to leave quick. "Oh sorry I have to leave I really wanted to know what that paid doctor has to say about the products!"

What I did say was this:
"I am probably the WORSE person in the world you could have invited." -They laughed when I said it.
"MLM's are extremely dangerous creatures. You, as a vendor, have to absolutely believe in the product sooooooooooooooo much, to the degree of having a testimony in it that you are willing to risk losing your relationships with family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc., for it!" I know I said a few other bold thing and not timidly either folks. I hope I didn't come off mean though I can see if it felt like that, I did throw in some jokes now and then to even out the rage oozing out here and there. I left at 8pm, now 30 past Ben's bed time, fighting getting him in the carseat, and just livid. Poor little Ben =( I called Ash and was like, "Hey can I just vent like crazy!?" (side note: Ashley, you're the BEST! XO)

Here's why I detest MLM's SO VERY MUCH:
#1. MLM's pray on the poor. They sale the dream of getting rich, and getting rich FAST. Once you have so many ppl under you you'll get that car, that vacation, that watch, whatever. The truth is once you've made a sale you're unemployed all over again. I loath how mlm's suck on the desperate and almost always by digging into ppl's fears, ie. debt, or bad health, or getting sued, all the companies market that first way before the actual product is presented. It's so manipulative. The whole thing is absolutely irresponsible and I wish people would realize how truly disrespectful it is to their intelligence.

#2. They are NEVER about the product. It's all about the business. If the product is SO good, it would be sold in stores; high-end and low end it doesn't matter. If the product has to be sold via pyramid, its NOT a good product!!!!

#3. They hurt relationships. PERIOD. The second its brought up it brings a stigma with it. Case in point. When Tom had been laid-off and I was sicker than a dog pregnant not on the right combination of meds yet, we were soooo broke, we were denied gov't assistance, and didn't know how we were going to get through the next month we got a call from someone who knew Tom had been laid-off saying they wanted to help out. Tom and I didn't know what that meant, we hoped for some miracle of sorts while in my gut, I knew better. It was devastating. To feel so vulnerable (and sick) only to hear how we could sign up for blablabla to virtually help them make money. It took a long time for me to forgive that person, they probably honestly felt they were trying to help but it was so the opposite. Second case in point; my doctor the person I trust with my life next to Tom asked me if Tom or I would be interested in going in on a mlm that was beginning to get popular (and it only costing $500 to get started) I sat there thinking, why on earth are YOU getting into a mlm? Do you need money? Why is my doctor broke? See what I'm saying, ppl?

#4. Upon meeting my boss and the big-wig at the law firm I made it known right away I was Mormon in which he let me know Mormon's are the biggest sellers of MLM's. He contributed it to missionaries learning how to network during their missions. He also added that Provo, UT is the MLM capital of the world. Frankly, its embarrassing to me. I do NOT make fun of my ppl. When I hear ppl make fun of "Utah Mormons" even if I completely agree, I hate any talk that puts our ppl down. I simple don't like the disloyalty. Thus, when one mlm after another is circulating and the ppl are perverting the gospel and their testimonies to sell it, it makes me sick and embarrassed.

Saturday: I woke feeling like it wasn't going to be much longer until I was totally unraveled. I decided last minute to attend a big-to-do music workshop my mom even drove up to attend and my Primary president encouraged me to attended as well. I got there a little late. Ben sat on my lap for about 7 mins intrigued and then he was like okay I'm gonna go explore, bye mom! I let him move around. At first he didn't go more than a couple feet, then it was several feet and then across the room and then he stood in front of the instructor who sounded like she was going to teach us how to teach primary kids harmony and descant but instead just had the group of women sing renditions to primary songs she wrote herself and had the group of women there sing them. I sat there thinking:
"What the crap? This is fun singing, but no where am I learning how I'm suppose to take a chunk of time to just teach the older girls how to sing notes I can't possible get close to while all the other children are bored? And why does the lady next to me keep commenting to me as if I know her or can hear half of what she's saying, why is she telling me she left her water bottle in her car? Is that the next line of this song I've never heard?! Oh crap, where's Ben!?"

Ben had found his way to the very front and just getting comfortable with the presenters stuff. I grabbed him. I tried walking around the back of the room but he was not having it. There was a woman holding a pretty new baby right next to me who said, "I have 3 and it DOES get easier." That's all it took and it was all over. The water works had been activated. The class ended moments later and my mom found me a total mess. I took Ben home knowing there was ZERO way he was going to let me get through another hour long class and he went down for a nap without a fight, bless his heart. My mom came over afterwards and I bawled even more about the 2 elephants that are always on my back. I don't ignore them, I am always aware of them I just don't know what to do about them. The most upsetting elephant: Do I love Ben. Completely!!!! Am I SO happy he's mine AND he's no one else's? ABSOLUTELY. Am I so proud of how sweet and loving and healthy and smart and a good-minder he is? You bet! Do I like being a mom? no.

I struggle a lot with it and talk with Tom constantly. I feel shame and envy how others WANT to be playful and creative and are okay reading the same books 500X. What are my other options? Go back to work full time? No. I don't want Ben in that environment. I pray/plead Heavenly Father will help me want it and that it won't come after a tragedy, you know? I want this a lot. It's way more important to me than getting my body back. I want advice. I want to know how someone like me got through it. Someone opposite of every Ensign article about women who so desperately want kids of there own but can't. Do I not want kids? No. I do. I wouldn't give up Ben for the world nor do I think I'm done having kids but that my desire TO HAVE them is not there. It seems everyone I know wanted kids before they had them, even the surprise first borns were still from friends who were excited to be moms. Is there a "Idiots Guide: To getting over yourself, and be HAPPY (dang it)"? I know it comes down to me not liking to sacrifice AND I know I am Ben's only parent 95% of the time. I know I'm simply exhausted by the end of the week. But nonetheless I KNOW if I got the desire and excitement to get down on the floor and play everyday it would change, at least I think it would.

Okay I've written enough and way more than what I was expecting to write about. It's bedtime.

Down(ton) Ice Cream

I know I'm pms-ing, well at least I HOPE I am so I can blame my psycho-ness on girl issues and not mental/emotional unstablenesses-es which is probably the real cause but for the moment I'm playing the "pms card". ;)

Where shall I start? Well to spare myself from typing for a hour and a half I'll simply say after (oct, nov, dec, jan) 4 months of "We'd like to extend a calling to you, Sister Clark...blablabla...Oh that might be a problem, I'll talk to the bishop and then get back to you." (A month goes by) "Hey, I heard you're on my ward activities committee!?" "I am?!! No one's called me?" "Oh um..." "Well what would you like me to do, I can help without having been asked yet." "Oh, cool okay, that would be really helpful!" (Two months goes by) I get a call from the Relief Society President, "Hi, um has anyone called you about being asked to serve in a calling?" "Nope, but I'm still waiting to be put into the one I'm already serving in." "Oh okay yes, I think you're name fell thru the cracks so I'll resubmit your name and you should get a call soon!" (A month goes by) I get a call from the same bishopric member from 4 months prior, "We'd like to extend you a calling," (I'm thinking ya ya ya I know I know ward activities member) "to serve as primary chorister blablabla"(wait what???) PAUSE.

When I got this call I was working on our taxes. UGH. Long story short, since then it IS way better than I thought, but in that moment I was on edge. It was like 9PM and I was trying to stretch every deduction as possible, freaking out we were going to owing $$$ even with trillions given in student loan interest paid, charitable stuff, and of course on top of what the government already took out throughout the year. Also, Tom had been in an overloaded-funk for a few days. What does that look and sound like? Half opened, glazed-over eyes not blinking, no steady breath heard only a random 4 minute long sigh every half hour. He gets like this 2? 3? 4 times tops a year. It doesn't last more than a week but when he's extra worn out it makes me even more stressed trying to figure out how I can lighten his load more but the reality is I can't really do anything. It all has to do with him having no "free time" and what time he does have needs to be devoted to homework. And there's no way I can help him with his insane physics, calculus to the twelfth power hardness. When I look at the complex equations with no recognizable numbers I end up telling him, "Well if the teacher assigns you to write how you FEEL about the equations on their visually graphic level- I could help you but until then GOOD NIGHT NURSE!" But anyway- that was all on my back-burner stress/worry when I got this call from the bishopric.

After the guy gave the low-down on what the calling required (me half listening as I was waiting for a pause so I could ask about the OTHER calling I was already doing). When I did ask he said he didn't know anything about it but would ask the Bishop then he paused and me being me got nervous and started rambling and ended up saying "Well between the two callings I think maybe primary chorister would be better." WHAT WAS I THINKING? (I wasn't). Then what's his name suggested I might be asked to do both callings and then asked how I felt about that. I said, "Um well if that's what the Lord needs then I'll do it." Then he asked me how Tom was doing.  Ugh. It was like him asking "tell me about every time you were made fun of GROWING UP!" Inside I was like keep calm, keep calm, don't cry, don't cry. He asked, "He works quite a bit, right? And I think you mentioned before Sundays are your days-offs?" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time! Days off? HA. I started crying and apologized that he caught me at a tired, overwhelmed moment. He proceeded to ask(?) suggest if I were too overwhelmed its alright if I didn't accept the calling(s). I said, "I AM very overwhelmed and Sundays aren't my days off, they're my days to see my husband and get some kid relief but I understand if they needed my help with the callings and I'd do whatever needs to be done." He kinda spoke out both sides of his mouth saying he needed me for both callings but how it was okay for me to decline but I can't blame him because I was saying one thing and reacting another.  I was raised you don't decline a calling but I don't know how to tell if this was me needing to decline or not? For me, I see SO many people putting in great effort for their callings and I appreciate that a lot- you can always feel the difference when time and care has been put into things. I have guilt over it actually! I admittedly am very passive-aggressive about serving, it all has to do with me not wanting to give away MY TIME unless its my idea to give away MY TIME.

The call ended with "him" saying he would check in with the Bishop and tell him the concerns along with asking about the other calling and would call back later. He did the next night (at 9:45PM?!) extending both callings. I accepted. For the record, I'm fine with the specific callings. I've already had primary chorister websites links sent to me for teaching ideas which I'm funny about too. It's my artist-ego coming out, I don't want ideas unless I ask for them! Its kinda like.....hmmm...if you were having a baby and someone is all like, oh hey- you should go to this and that website for nursery ideas and name your kid "blank " oh and these are the do's and don't of raising kids! Um back up, I've got this. I'll ask when I need help! Okay, I'm coming down from my ego-enraged high-horse. =)

I woke up Sunday feeling a little funky, that's normal. I was sustained into both callings. A few people congratulated me as if it were my idea or I had accomplished something, its like thank me after if I succeeded! lol I feel bad- I'm usually in such a weird funk Sundays and I know I must come across sharp, unattached, uncaring and depressed. I'm POSITIVE the R.S president thinks I hate her when I absolutely don't! Imagine the worse version of you is the only version some people see. I WISH I could fake or hide my feelings, believe me I DO my DARNEDEST to wait till I get to the car but I can't. I needed to get set-apart after church but I fell apart right before the closing hymn in relief society (sorry Em) and knew I was too emotional for a blessing even though I KNOW its exactly what I need!!! Side note: at least I got to listen to 15 min of relief society! =) You're probably thinking why don't I try getting out my tears before church or Saturday night? Way ahead of you! That's usually when it starts- Saturday night, Sunday morning uneasiness and then I try holding it in during church.

On a good note. Last week was a great week, probably my best week as a mom yet! I was determined to keep my anxiety in-check throughout the week ESPECIALLY around Ben. I was more patient than ever and it wasn't fake, it was nice. I played on the floor with Ben a lot more and read a lot more and when I put him in his car seat I REALLY tried using positive, non-frustrated tones- I don't think it made a difference but I'll still continue to try and the rest I could tell he was so happy for it. =) And for the record, I think Ben is the best! We were at a couples home last Sunday and there were two older couples there making a fuss over how bright Ben is and how quickly he was getting stuff, along with his super friendly and sweet personality, it makes me so proud!

Last night I def left pms coming on! While Tom worked on homework I made popcorn (burnt ;) and watched Downton Abbey. Yep, I'm hooked. I'm on the waiting list at the library for the previous seasons- I think I have 154 ppl in front of me so not too much longer now! I REALLY want to watch everything before I watch what's going on but I can't help it- its so over-the-top-dramatic, I love it. After I ate the popcorn I grabbed the rest of the mint chocolate chip ice cream (I rarely buy ice cream) and sprinkled generously choc. chips into the carton (dirtying a bowl isn't worth it).

I'm trying to keep calm as it will be a long week, mostly for Tom. Normally, between jobs/school he works 13 hour days, not including commuting which adds another 4-6 hours a week but he also has a visual over-nighter at Apple which means he'll have institute Tuesday morning (so he can park free downtown saving us $200 a month), work at RV Kuhn's, work at apple till 3am and work again the next morning followed by school till 10pm and then up early for institute, rvk, apple all over again, etc, etc.. I KNOW IT COULD BE WORSE! He could be in the army! He could be deployed for years at a time!!! So glad that's not the case, I am just way too needy to handle 5 minutes of that lifestyle; not to mention the emotional turmoil of not ever knowing if they're coming back, ahhh no thanks.

I think Ben has a bug. He barfed BIG TIME last night and again this morning and has had a slight fever, diaharria. While its sad its kinda sweet too because it makes him all cuddly, you know? =) It's so sweet.

In other news: We are doing really well! I had a great conversation with my mom a week ago about all this stuff and got some good feedback about the calling(s) and keeping calm for Ben and how all of our hard work and sacrifice will payoff and be so worth it. By the end I think I'll need to write a book but I, we feel very good about where we are as a couple as a family, etc. We were planning to go see the new Diehard movie around Valentine's but found out yesterday its rated R! I was like NOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOO!!!! Tom came over and gave me a hug and said sorry like someone had just died (no pun intended lol) I told him, "what if the next James Bond movie was rated R?!" He was like, NOOOOOOoooo! Haha He even asked, "Well do you want it to be a free-bee?" meaning we would fudge "just" this one I said nope, its not worth it. He reminded me just this point too a few hours earlier. He asked me, "What was the movie of the year 5 years ago?" I said, "I don't know." He said, "No one does. Stuff gets made, people say YOU HAVE TO SEE IT (relating to R movies) and really a few years (heck a few months) later it doesn't matter." I think what we really will do is go to the Temple, I think we both need it.

Because I'll Forget!

I have to write these things down now! Ben's baby book only goes till 12 months and Tom has voiced sadness how much he's missing Ben growing up so I've been trying to record more! Almost 17 months.

  Words he says: Mom, Dad, kisses, duck, dog, uh oh, that, keys,...I know there are more- I'll have to add them later when I remember!

Animal sounds he makes: Cock-a-doodle-do, bunny rabbit nibbling sound, a horse doing that...not neighing, not spitting but sputtering sound- ya he does that like a pro. And makes a snake's hissing sound. When I say, "What does a gorilla do?" he hits his chest with both fits. 

Commands he knows and follows (well when he wants to): No! Bring it here, Give it to (fill in blank), Come here, Go to Dad, Put it down!, Turn off the tv, Go get a story/book, Kiss, wave bye-bye.

Words he understands and goes to when used or points at when asked where they are: bedroom, books, stories, high chair, tv, diaper, medicine, teddy bear, truck, stroller, couch, blanket, soft, food, hungry (walks to his high chair) Thomas the Train, Dad, Grandma, fruit snacks, (gold) fishes, sheep, owls, cat, dog, rooster, chicken, duck, mice, chicks, vacuum, baby wash, soap, shower, (chocolate) milk, sippy-cup, time-out, by-by, stairs, french-fry, spaghetti, chocolate-chips (cough...don't know where he got that!) shoe, phone, blocks, and many more.

Things he's been doing the last few weeks: Pulling out the outlet plug covers- BOTH styles! Turning the tv on and off, when he hears a dog barking he'll say, "DOG".  When we read his favorite book he always says the last word (mom) its so cute. I recorded it but blogger isn't uploading the video. And just today he figured out all by himself how to lock himself into his highchair with all latches- I was shocked! Again, I took a video of it but can't get the gay thing to upload without getting an "error" thing. LAME. When I bring food to the table he immediately folds his arms without being told. =) 

Things he loves: Thomas & Friends, Baby Einstein. Sing-a-longs. Taking showers or bathes and he has no problem with the water running over his face =) Chocolate milk, gold fish, french fries, spaghetti, m&m's, story time, helping to vacuum, playing with the broom and mop making same motions as mommy, mom getting on the floor and playing with him!

Things he hates: Car Seat, Sitting in a grocery cart or even standing in a cart- has to be held, ouch. When mom is on the computer too much and not playing with him.