Ups, Downs and All Arounds 2012

So I woke up this morning thinking I wanted to write a blog about New Years and 2012 and stuff but I  went blank. THEN I saw Amanda's update, which was SO awesome for lots of reasons mostly because I rarely hear from...well anyone and when I do it's after-the-fact and totally old news, then I go into angry/hurt pity party feeling super left out and then after a week I get over it again until I hear "old news" again and it starts all over. Sometimes I think okay I won't blog and then I'll see if anyone notices but really I blog for me. I blog to reminisce and remember and mostly to talk myself through whatever is going on at least that's what I'm saying to myself now.

I was thinking of 2012 the last few weeks and trying to remember what happened, seriously. I'm honestly not trying to be a negative-Nelly, its just hard to remember anything. I'm really weird about news years, I find its in the same category as like.... Kwanzaa or Yom Kapur, or Hawaiian T-shirt day, it just doesn't mean anything special or exciting personally. I've kinda always felt blah about new years. IF I want to change something I don't need a flip of the calendar to do so, ya know? I honestly think its due to the GOOD holidays being over.

From that first sign of cooler weather coming in, leaves changing and the smell of wood fire in the air I'm as happy as a fat kid in a bakery. Sweaters, scarves, boots, layers, richer/warmer perfumes and tastes, I mean come on! Even when I was single and dreaded Christmas morning, knowing my mister wasn't under the tree it was still so way better than when Christmas is over. Winter without Christmas lights and "seasons greetings" and extra nice people is depressing. The sudden contrast is a punch in the face. That's how I feel, thee end.

Now, 2012. I'll start with the let-downs:
1. The Election. -I still have to force myself from becoming an alcoholic everyday from its loss.
2. umm hmmm well....okay baby weight not wanting to come off

Well wow that's pretty awesome if those are the only things I can think of!

Now, 2012 the ups:
1. Paying off another 10K in debt. Actually I'm not sure how much but I'm sure its at least 10K while paying for thousands in car repairs/maintenance, some unexpected some expected doctors bills, etc.
2. Finding out I actually DO like the toddler stage. Who knew? Ben's so sweet and happy and loving and accepting of everyone.
3. My friends' diagnoses looking better! That was a big one. -I love and think about you everyday Char.
4. Going another year without having a fight with my husband. Disagreements/misunderstandings sure but fights, no.
5. Moved to a bigger place! There are imperfections but more awesomes than not!
6. Getting to see South Dakota/Minnesota/North Dakota and Tom's family. That was a treat.
7. Getting to see my best-ies in Texas, it had been years and yet we are all the same. More mature, more stretch marks (some more than others) but we are essentially the same people and I love it! I wouldn't change anyone well except for...haha jk no NOT anyone!
8. We got internet. YA its THAT note-worthy! It saved my life and sanity.
9. Finding my 30th birthday to be my most favorite of all. That was totally unexpected!
10. Loving that no one asks me if Ben is a boy or girl anymore. The last time was the week he turned 1 and LOVING how often women and men stop me to tell me how adorable Ben is, including a grandma who was holding her own grandson about the same age who was walking past us, stopped, turned around and said, "oh my gosh I have to say, he is most gorgeous boy I've even seen! wow!" I'm already proud of him for many reasons but its the cherry on the cake.
11. That while it took Ben till he was 11 1/2 months old to sleep thru the night he DID and does even 14 hours most nights THANK the heavens above.
12. Lastly but just as important. No one died, well no relatives or super close peoples.

Things I looking forward to in 2013:
1. Paying off Department of Education!
2. Getting more of Tom's education done
3. Boob-job (jk just checking to see if your still awake)
4. Ben going into nursery
5. Maybe another baby????

Thirty, Flirty and Bond

Honestly, I was not looking forward to this birthday, I don't think most people do either; it wasn't even so much the number as it was the surge of grays that marked plucking as no longer the quick-fix, now plucking would result in bald spots BUT despite the grays, the baby weight that won't come off and most of my siblings forgetting my birthday, it WAS THEE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!

My big day started the evening before when Tom watched Ben while I went and got a hair cut. THAT'S RIGHT Tom was home and home early enough Ben was still up; miracle #1! I got a trim/cut. My hair is funny. I get just a little taken off and it looks like I chopped a ton, when ya got wavy/curly hair that's how it rolls. I actually miss my days of long-long hair (not when it was to my butt, that was too long, but long enough I had my Gerry Hall look) Maybe one day I'll get there again but for now, its medium-long.

I got a text from Lacey at midnight giving me bday love reminding me it had technically begun. It was sweet. (I'm sure she was out late mackin' with her boyfriend at the time ;) At the time Tom and I were watching Diamonds Are Forever -Bond movie. It's kinda what we do when Tom needs to zone-out before he crashes, he throws in one of the thousand Bonds' and I fall asleep. It usually takes 2-4 nights to get through one film. (SIDE NOTE: Does anyone else TOTALLY LOVE IT when they fall asleep before their husband? There's such a feeling of reassurance and protection and comfort knowing "The Man" is staying up guarding the fort! Call me weird but I love it and I fall asleep sooo fast! Otherwise when Tom falls asleep first I have a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep.) (SIDE NOTE 2: Diamonds Are Forever SUCKS. It's thee worst Bond film. The plot is...well I would say GAY but there has to be a GAY PLOT first to BE GAY but the plot is completely nonexistent so it's...A-sexual(??) The acting is TERRIBLE; Connery doesn't even TRY, its so blatant and he looks tired and old and bored; the "Bond Girl" is the worse....wait no, she's still better than the bimbo girl in A View To A Kill... ugh ya annoying, bad-acting, brain-dead, weird-voice chick takes the cake for worse Bond girl! Also, I hate ALL of the Roger Moore Bonds. Maybe I shouldn't totally blame him but his reign producing the lamest plots buttttt for the sake of not going off for another 5 paragraphs I'll just go ahead and blame HIM, the end.

December 19th started perfect! Tom took off work from both jobs so we could do whatever including  working on of my presents! He went out in the cold, wetness and changed out my cars' headlights, not the bulbs but the entire head lights themselves actually he took out the bulbs from the brand new lamps and put in a better quality, brighter light too. Doesn't sound very romantic, I know BUT for the past few years my cars' headlights have been so foggy I've had to always use my brights just see somewhat normally. I was SOOO excited I took pictures! haha

Before

After

During

During

After

Afterwards he gave me present #3- All the Harry Potter dvd's! I LOVE IT! Oh, present one was a great hand-held body massager I got that earlier in the week as my shoulders and neck almost always hurt- it has 100% to do with that 15 year+ headache I had and it has def come back, I really need to get some more injections, they just make all the difference. I digress...

Then we went to the mall where both Tom and Ben endured going shopping with me. I'm not a good person to go shopping with, I'm slow and picky and mythical and really I don't like to go shopping with anyone else. I like to go by myself and without being rushed. But I was torn- I NEEDED clothes AND I wanted to be with my boys...so I dragged 'em along. Ben wanted so badly to run around and just move but I think Tom held him not only for the sake of not losing him in the sea of shoppers but also to appear obvious to other's he was strictly in Victoria's Secret as the "babysitting husband" and not as a perv. lol Then we went to Olive Garden for dinner. I know not everyone loves O.G. but I'm a cheap date AND such a sucker for their soup and salad. I'm ashamed to admit how many encores of both I had...but in my defense/justification when you don't eat bread sticks and croutons your belly doesn't fill up and expand like everyone else's so ya, you can eat a LOT more. ;) Ben was super good during it too, it was miracle #2! On the way home we stopped into the library and picked up a load of movies, mostly for Ben, went home where I basically dropped off the boys and went to Old Navy as I got some much needed gift card $ from my parents! -Most days I wear Tom's jeans and his sweatshirts and basically look like a lesbian and not the pretty kind. I didn't end up getting anything there or at V.S. because I'm funny; there were too many people in VS and I was getting overwhelmed and when that happens I don't buy anything b/c I know when I DO buy in that kind of rush its not the right thing and I end up having to go back anyway later to exchange. Plus, Old Navy's jeans weren't on sale and they aren't worth 30 bucks, they're worth 20-tops so I'll wait a couple of weeks and continue looking like....well YOU know! LOL

On the way home I got to really "SEE" the difference my new headlights made. Holy cow I can't believe I got use to NOT seeing the road at night. Also, I had on my iPod and rapped along to the only Kanye West song I know AND love,  Flashing Lights, I repeating it over and over again all the way home. lol It's just catchy. -For the record I have the edited version ;)

When I walked through the door Tom asked me what I got, I told him nothing but I wasn't sad in the least! I had a perfect day! The only thing that could have made it superb was if I had magically turned back into my pre-pregnancy body but even so I wasn't feeling fatty-mc-butter-pants so it was great!

Oh and miracle #3? Ben gave me the best gift of all and FINALLY said, "mom" Won't say it on command since, of course not, but finally said it! =)

PS- When I was pregnant I gave in and let Tom show me all the Bond films. It was tough. I just DON'T like 87% of them. If the Bond is anyone other than the Daniel Craig I most likely hate it. A few weeks ago Tom and I saw Sky Mall, I mean Sky Fall and truth be told I really enjoyed it. Really! Hands down my favorite Bond. I know its because of the bad guy. He was intriguing and stole every scene...I ate it up and Tom loved that I loved it even if it meant I thought the bad guy was kinda attractive in a character way not physically (gross hair color- eww). 

Hallow-das, Oddie-das that is

Thank you Michele N. for indirectly reminding me I never posted photos from a thousand years ago, ie Halloween!

Before treat-or-treating. Ben enjoying pizza crust. I think my two guys were super into a sports game or something...the looks are intense!

 

 

 

Putting Ben back in his Indian Jones costume was TOO much work, especially with the rolling boulder following his and knocking him over every couple of seconds so we popped him in a tiger outfit and went to a few houses. Ben wasn't quite sure what was going on but it was cute.

 

Brian lives just across the street from us and visits once in awhile.

Grandma comes and babysits and is SO good with Ben!

Me without make-up. It's not a statement. It's me being lazy.

 

I thought I would show a little bit of what I do for work...I guess I'm THAT bored today!

Before

After

Before

After

Certainly not my best work but whatev.





Saturday Night Fever

In a word: busy. The past few weeks have been…BUSY. I want to call every one of you everyday but like I’ve said, I’ve been busy and when I remember I either allow myself to get distracted again or its 10pm like it is now and though I think most of you are up too, this is the time of night where I’m lucky if I can put a coherent thought together (and it’s a miracle I’m even typing ;)

Saturday started off fine. It had been a long week consisting of Tom working (5) 12 hour days and one 8 ½ day, me finding out the full-timer Portland Adidas chick had crossed over to the dark side (Nike) and thus a bunch of accounts were open for the taking. (side note: I don’t think I’ve mentioned before how I’ve been jobless since September due to major cut backs. I will say its VERY interesting that I was making MORE on unemployment than I was working but that’s b/c it was taking in account me working full time 18 months ago.) Anyway, I find out I have work again and I was getting nervous. Work makes me nervous. Merchandising sounds very glamorous but its more like EXTREMELY exhausting and physically straining, plus I had to figure out babysitting and that’s more stress; how will Ben do? Will his naps get off schedule? Am I going to be an even worse mom due to being extra stressed again? BUT I am happy this time around Ben doesn’t rely on mommy milk for food like he did a year ago and NEVER took a bottle..ahhh that was SO hard!

Okay, Saturday. It was 4:30pm. Ben and I were in Costco eating 2 sausage dogs without buns with onions and mustard and a little ketup (yep, BEN LOVES THEM). I was stressing because it was a grocery shopping day, it was our 3^rd place though spread out before and after a nap but nonetheless Ben had had enough and was a pain. He wouldn’t stay in the carts seat, I rarely can keep him in that thing, and he was using our groceries to stand on in attempt to climb out of the cart itself! I had him under one arm and holding my pop with the other and trying to throw away our garbage with…a 3^rd hand while keeping it away from Ben as he was trying to put his hand in the left over mustard AGAIN. While I was juggling all this a woman came up and asked if she could help (super nice) and all I could get out was, “I JUST NEED MY HUSBAND HOMES ON SATURDAYS!” I didn’t yell or anything just said it desperately. I was actually totally surprised I said it without crying! –I really think me not having my satan stick in my arm anymore is helping me!

Ben was tough on the way home too. We got home around 5:00pm. Tom wouldn’t be home for at least another hour and a half. Ben was very cranky but I didn’t put him down for a second nap because I knew he was extra cranky due to being in a car seat and grocery cart or in his crib for most of the day already. He just needed to run around the get the wiggles out and better yet ME play with him! But me being me, I started ironing. For the record I don’t like ironing, but its one of those acts of service thingies I do…bla bla bla. As I started to set up the iron and ironing board Ben was around my ankles crying, he wanted me to play and I didn’t. I was mad. I was SO mad and I was mad at Tom! Why? Because I was exhausted and tired and my wave had crashed and I needed help, I didn’t want to spend my day grocery shopping I wanted to do ANYTHING and just go somewhere without having to take 5 minutes to plan it out in between naps and snacks and whatevers. I was mad that Tom wasn’t there helping and that I hadn’t had any help with him the whole week as Tom is gone some days before Ben wakes up and gets home after he’s asleep and if he’s home it’s a few minutes in the morning with Ben and right before Ben goes down to sleep so ya I’m doing it by myself. I was glad Tom didn’t get home right then too because I think I would have exploded.

The next 2 hours felt like I heard every tick of the clock tock. When Tom called on his way home I immediately said, “I’m in a SUPER bad mood! I’m tired, Ben’s tired, he wants someone to play with him but I’ve been doing other crap that needs to get done and he won’t eat his food again, I don’t know what to do, I’m just done!” Tom answered back in his calm, reassuring voice: “Okay, I’m coming home as fast as I can.”

When he walked through the doors he came right over to me (after he picked up Ben who ran to him and hugged his legs, I mean how cute is that?) As he got closer to me I said, “No I’m in such bad mood I don’t even want you to touch me!” He still came closer and put his arms around me and said, “I’m here.” I started to unload.

“I just wanted to go out to dinner but now its too late and its Ben’s bedtime and he’s really tired. And I’m hungry and frustrated and I’m mad at you though its not like I’m REALLY mad at you. I don’t want to change places with you and work like a dog and go to school. I just want to get out and not be home like you do.” Tom replied, “I know… what can I do? What would you like for dinner?”

“I don’t know!” I barked back though I KNEW what I wanted.

“Do you want your Carl’s Jr’s burger you love?” (Gac bacon $6 burger in a wrap WITH halopinos added)

“NO”

“Do you want mozzarella sticks from Arby’s?”

“NO”

“Do you want Olive Garden’s salad?”

“NO” (yes)

“….”

“Well I do but Ben’s not going to tolerate a restaurant. Maybe carry out Apple Bee’s?” (like I needed to ask)

“You got it, do you want me to go get it or go together?”

“Together.”

We got in the car. It was dark and raining hard, my favorite. I didn’t say anything, just cried. Tom reached over and held my hand. After a few minutes I started talking and just unloading feeling better by the minute. I mentioned I wanted Pecan pie and he said, “you got it!”

When we got the apple bee’s carry out I dug in right away and then I really started feeling better, not knowing how hungry I really was. Tom drove to a pie shop but they were out of pecan so he drove over to Safeway and got one including my favorite kind of flavored water, diet dp and chocolate milk.

We got home and put Ben down. I sang him extra songs, feeling guilty for not playing with him and dragging him all over down the whole day- the whole time he was looking at me or planting his face in my shoulder and cooing along to the familiar songs with the occasional leaning in and kissing me.

When I had finished putting him down I came out to find an extra large slice of diabetes heaven aka Pecan Awesome Pie wanting for me! I cuddled up to my love and thanked him over and over again for the best date! It really was.

Really, it wasn’t the pie or the spinach dip or diet cherry dp he got me, it wasn’t even how sincerely quick he was about doing all of it that really touched me. What meant the most was my wave had crashed but I wasn’t the only one tired and frustrated and tapped out. I knew he was too. There are times my wave crashes at the same time Tom needs his cave time and I sacrifice my needing to be needy until he’s had his time out first- those times are SO hard! But more than not its him who waits taking his time out so he can take care of me. It sounds easy but I know it can’t be…please I know HOW needy and pathetic I get! Lol

After watching some The Office and Park & Recreation dvd style we went to bed. I heard Ben crying a bit but it was different then a typical tossing and turning crying so I went in to check it out. He was restless and upset and hot, VERY hot. He had never had a fever like this before, he had never been any sick before. The closest he’s ever gotten is when he gets shots, they make him ill for the rest of the day and that’s a about it. I gave him medicine to cut the fever but he was so upset and wouldn’t hold still, he just didn’t know what to do either =(

Tom gave him a blessing and he soon went back to sleep. He woke up several more times through out the night and by morning we were all wiped out and totally missed church. He’s still a little sick. I can tell he has a sore throat and his runny nose has begun producing the yellow/green last part of the cold nasty. He has eaten so little the past few days I have no idea how he hasn’t lost major weight!? Thank goodness he’s still been drinking milk/chocolate milk!

I’ve worked every day so far this week and I’ll work again Friday. I really will only work 4 days a month and I just scheduled everything in one week for convince (won’t do that again) I hurt everywhere!

POLITICAL MOMENT: I honestly want to section off America. Seriously. Civil-war it out. But it can’t be North/South…its been done. And it can’t be West Coast/East Coast, that’s gangish. So…maybe Northwest/Southeast?  I asked Tom if its okay I feel this way and he doesn’t think its good- we’re America, we’re united. But we’re not “united” I’m freaked out. Everything EVERRRRRYYYYYTTTTHHHHIIIIIIINNNNGGGG I’m so fiscally, morally, ethically, socially outraged about is only getting worse with the promise its going to keep getting worse! I don’t want a socialist government. So I want you people over there and we people over here! Have your government there and we’ll have ours or I should say LACK OF! I know it would only be a matter of minutes before people started digging under our walls to get in to our side and be freed from taxes and political bondage. 

WHAT A PAIN!

A few weeks ago I was talking with someone who just had their umpteen baby and I asked how the labor went and she said:
"Really good actually, he/she was natural like the first so only this one and (blank) wasn't natural!"
And I answered back, "What? I didn't know you had a c-section with (blank)?"
"Oh No, I meant I didn't need or use drugs."
"Ohhh gotcha."
At the time I didn't think anything about it but later when I recalled it I CHOSE to let me get in my "pain wound".
I'm sorry, did you or did you NOT have a baby get pushed out your yoo-hoo, or va-jay-jay, your whatever you wanna call it, place? If YOU did you had he/she NATURAL! Period.
Whether or not you used the miracle of drugs does not take away the fact that the baby came out by natural means: the natural, traditional, purposeful exit. YES, this subject DOES get me heated up quite a bit!
On a few difficult levels. Do I think women who have had babies without drugs are incredible? absolutely but unless pain level can be 100% transferable and relatable to another, pain is subjective. Thus, what is a 3 to someone could be a 7 to another.
For example, I have an aunt who had 5 kids, all every short labors and births, like less than 2 hours all together and for her she said they hurt but not exhausted was fine and ready to go home soon after. Than there are women who will labored steady for days and only upon extreme violent measures finally dialated to a ten and after recalled thinking they were completely convinced they WERE dying, there was no surviving the child birth.
I think women who had babies without drugs simply because they weren't available are amazing. I think women who chose not to use drugs to "have an authentic experience," are truly diluted if not secretly hiding their agenda of boasting later. It's insulting and a good way to lose respect.
I guess my point is this: IF you have a high pain tolerance, which again there is no way to objectively prove it but for conversations sack, if you have that super hero power that's awesome, truly, but please no one's going to give you a metal and its mean to throw it in peoples faces, and DO NOT USE THE THE TERM "NATURAL" to describe your super powers! Can I get a Amen?
Okay I'm going down off my soap box...  (I feel better :)

It's Raining, It's Pouring, It's Beautiful

I’m trying to think of what’s new to tell and really nothing is new. Maybe that’s a good thing? I know this election has been driving my IBS nuts-o. I simply can’t handle it anymore. It’s not “negative adds” some people complain about that annoys me it’s the nervousness of it all. The cramps that come from every channel telling me the “latest polls” which I think are bogus; the bubbling of stomach pressure after eating like mad and pacing the floor while the “non-biased commentator” clearly feeds a candidate his lines and wondering IS EVERYONE else seeing/hearing this? And HOPING America does but then when the debates’ over its immediately obvious that nope… media continues to ignore it and takes Americans for saps. I just want the conclusion NOW. Kinda like the nervousness of waiting to find out how many people and WHO Voltimort ends up killing before he’s destroyed before watching the last movie (or reading the last book if you’re someone who reads, which I don’t).

It’s really quite weird that November is NEXT week. It’s really…gosh what’s my feeling on it? Humm I like it! And taken-back that its HERE! I got Ben’s Halloween outfit mostly put together I think I’m just a little stuck on the jacket BUT I think its gonna be awesome. It’s not from anything I’ve seen or heard of but from my own imagination. I remember Bek saying, oh gosh, YEARS ago how she could see especially me having so much fun dressing up my kids for Halloween and I was like umm ok sure..? But Ya, she was right (yet again) it has been pretty fun. I enjoyed last years 45 min before going to the ward party and thinking ok I have no costume, zero money, what the crap should I do? Then it hit me, oh dah he’s baby Harry Potter and I’ll go as Hagrid and we did and got a TON of compliments, there was only one woman who didn’t get it but she admitted she’d only seen one of the movies years ago and didn’t remember anything expect it was “too violent” oh and she was like 90 years old and asked if it was okay that I was cross-dressing. Haha

I’ll put up pictures after Friday (that’s when I’ll be taking him to Tom’s kid work party and prob the ward party day too) I predict now that Ben won’t hold on to his candy bucket and upon receiving a treat will take it out of his bucket and throw it. And really I think the biggest challenge will be keeping his costume on him and not letting him take it all off! I mean please…

It’s funny the thought of candy does nothing for me. Seriously. I love me some peanut M&M’s now and again but I haven’t had any for a quite some time and they still don’t sound all that exciting. Woo hoo! HOWEVER, Lacey did come stay with me for a few days last week and brough ice cream with her….DANG her! Lol My latest food kick I’ve been on (WHICH I’m happy I’m ON one!) has been BLT’s I have a big ‘ol lettuce bed SLATHERED with a pretty awesome amount of Mayo (really I don’t want to say how much but it’s quite fantastic) and a LOT of bacon (on the too-cooked side which I like) and a few slices of tomatoes which I’m NOT suppose to be eating but…I AM! I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned in my last blog but I’m supposed to be on meats and fats only diet, no veggies. I haven’t been very good at it. I think variation is the toughest part of living as strict as I do. I often become easily irritated when I hear complaining about other “dieting restrictions” when they are sooo easy. But it all comes back and down to my fairness issue getting poked at and Tom helps remind me (yet again) to not compare and try to concentrate on what I have. In fact, I came across one of those World Traveler shows showing life ANYWHERE but the US and wow… it’s not like I haven’t seen any of those striking, unimaginable realties many times before but come on!!!! How can it not stop ya right in your tracks and make you IMMEDIATELY think…ya MY problems are NOT problems! Starvation, exposure, flooding, droughts, no readily available doctors, medicines, hospitals, vaccines, I don’t face thousands of years-long civil war, sex trade, no one’s threatening my personal life due to my gender, race, religion, I have access to education, free enterprise, so many freedoms and rights/rites.    

With that said, I have a doctors appointment next week and I can’t tell you HOW ready I am for it! Among other check-up things I am going to get this bloody B.C. out of my body. Detesting birth control is nothing new nor are the known effects it has on me but this year long experiment is SO over! NOOOOooo I’m not trying to get pregnant. I still need time to get back to normal mentally and a second baby still freaks me out THOUGH the idea of having a little girl IS appealing. I am worried of going through another 9 months of morning sickness, gaining another Lindsay Lohan WITHOUT fully losing the one I still have, and now afraid more than EVER about going through labor!!!! Oh and I want to have the full experience of excitement and longing first!   

Gazelle Intense

In a nutshell: We moved.

In the novel version: We needed a bigger place. There was no getting around it. Living a year in the same bedroom with a baby proved TOUGH! But even if the apartment was a two bedroom I needed a change! I KNOW! Me? Wanting, actually seeking out change??? Yep.

Tom and I started VERY early looking for a new place. Our lease expired (expires) September 20^th and we started packing back in March. OH YEAH we were ready! So we began the search in our own neighborhood but prices were/are pretty ridiculous. For instance, if we were to sign another year lease at our 1 bedroom rent was jumping about a hundred dollar and at the same complex a 2 bedroom was looking at two hundred more (not including water, sewer, trash, etc) so really three hundred more!

Tom and I looked all around the Portland area, which is pretty big for all those not familiar. We even looked into the possibility of buying a foreclosure that cost just a little more than my bachelors; the mortgage was the price of renting. I have to admit, I got excited! Really? Could we really make it work? HAVE A PLACE THAT’S OURS?! We can paint and really set some roots down! But when we wrote down a rough estimate of mortgage payment, property taxes divided into monthly chunks, then added the normal monthly expenses: groceries, gas, utilities, cell phones, etc, etc. all of a sudden buying, even a place that was SO cheap, was NOT a good idea!

I was bummed. Not so bummed I couldn’t get out of bed and constantly crying, nay, more like, “AH its not fair!” It’s like when you’re single and everyone you know is married or like in 1999 when interest rates on Hondas were 0% for 4 years and I SWEAR every senior in my high school had a brand new flippin car! (side note: to this day it’s the reason I HATE, HHHAAATTTEEE Hondas. Are they well made cars? Sure but I still hate them.)

I wanted to pout. “Everyone has a house but us!” Lol actually I wasn’t THAT upset but it’s making for a better blog! Shortly after I was listening to Dave Ramsey, which was a miracle in its self since I almost never get to listen to my favorite radio people: Rush is on when Ben’s taking his morning nap and the radio is in the bedroom. Dr. Laura is on that special HD radio or whatever its called that costs a couple trillion dollar thus I am not able to listen to her and Dave is on when Ben’s in bed and again…the radio is in the bedroom. But I must have turned it on while getting Ben ready for bed because a caller came on and it was totally exactly what I would have called-in to ask! The chick was saying how she and her husband were SUPER intense with the program and had been for a couple years but were finding themselves in a bit of a pit as they were working hard but it would still be several years until they were out of debt let alone until they could save up for a huge down payment on a home, etc. She needed some advice/encouragement! Dave answered back that while they were having a “poor me moment” to look back and recognize not only how much they had paid off in the time they started the program but also acknowledge how much they saved themselves by not getting into further debt/bad situation. Also, and probably most importantly, to stop comparing what other’s have because for the most part what other’s “have” is debt up to their eye balls; thus, was she (I) really envious of the grass on the other side? It was exactly what I needed to hear. Of course it’s not SO different from what I need to hear often. I wonder how many times Bek has lovingly and strongly tried to slap that envying streak from my perspective?!

Anyway, that whole bank foreclosure place was a great experience but it wasn’t the last! So we kept on looking. And funny enough we looked into my old apartment complex I lived at for 4.5 years with my roommate Kristin and then Emily and then Tom. We moved out because it was a two bedroom and though rent was reasonable it was too much for our “living on beans and rice budget” we moved and I was WELL aware that IF I were to try to come back we’d be looked at as “making too much” as the complex is section 42, 8 housing. Nonetheless we tried. And here’s the reason I’m even bringing this up! Yes, we did “make too much” to be allowed to live there and because I was super curious I asked, “So if I were to quit my job today (which would get rid of the income we were over) could we live there?” The answer: Yes. I also asked, again because I was SO curious, “IF I were instead not quit my job but get pregnant, would we qualify?” Answer, “Yes.” I wanted to barf.

I was upset. WAY more upset than the possibility of buying not working out. It’s the HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING, CORRUPT system. It’s SO disturbing how its designed, actually structured to keep people enslaved to it. It’s not motivating, or proactive. I understand how you could be turned down if you DIDN’T make enough for some places, that’s helping people to NOT get into a situation (oh wait…that happened, stupid Clinton administration FORCING banks to approve low-income persons into mortgages they were NEVER going to afford) but denying people housing because they make too much? That’s messed up!

During the last several months every time I looked up apartments I would see adds for a particular complex and every time I looked at it I dismissed it immediately. Tom and I even drove by it once but I didn’t even get out of the car. “No! This is NOT the place, it doesn’t feel right. It looks gross and dumpy, I hate it.” Maybe I should have just come out and said EXACTLY how I felt! Lol

We had honestly looked EVERYWHERE and had stopped counting places I personally went to- after 13, it way beyond ridiculous. I was tired, we both were and stressed-out and frustrated. Finally, Tom called on his way home from work right before our trip to SD, “I keep seeing adds for that place you REALLY don’t like, I’m gonna make an appointment to check it out.” I think my response was something like, “UGH FINNNNEeeeee.”

The next morning we did a walk through.  I admitted it WAS the nicest place we’d seen so far IN OUR BUDGET. Tom loved it. He was full on ready to hand ‘em over our application papers and fees and call it good. I wasn’t. I told Tom I had to drive to Salem and would think about it driving down and back and would have an answer that afternoon. How did it turn out? On my way back into Pdx I stopped at not 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 places but 5 more complexes! At the fifth place I thought I was totally settled to call THAT place home! It was bigger, bigger by 130sqft. It had a storage closet outside that was walk-in and HUGE! We could bring in our own washer and dryer and not have any hassles! The dining room was BIG enough for our table, chairs AND Ben’s high chair! Our bedroom was GIGAINTIC and included a second bathroom! And the place was ONLY $60 more a month than his place. It was SUCH a deal! I called Tom and was like, “I found the place I like!” Tom was less than enthused as I thought he would be. I mean come on only $60 bucks more and we wouldn’t have any of the issues the place he liked had. He told me it was up to me, whatever I decided/wanted he would agree with. I got off the phone and took a deep breath. I looked at each places’ floor plans with the monthly rent side by side. Though we were flying out the next morning and had no time to waste I sat there for what seemed like a LONG time. I looked at the place I liked, This is it! But….why does it feel weird? And Tom’s place? Why do I hate it so much? AHHHH I closed my eyes and said a prayer. And the memory of the foreclosure came into my head, specifically the reason WHY we didn’t go after it. I thought about the Dave caller. I thought about the last few years we’d been through and the reason we are going through them. And then I thought about our future. I thought about what “living like no one else NOW so later we can LIVE like no one else” means. I knew it meant: $60 a month = $720 a year or = $1440 for 2 years. It means sacrificing comfort and PRIDE. I called Tom a little later, “I turned in our applications to your place with our app fees and deposit.”

We got the keys to our new place on the 7^th – it was the latest the complex would hold it for us though he didn’t need it until the 20th. So for the first week I came over with Ben and dropped off as much as I could WITH Ben clinging to my leg screaming if I walked 2 feet away from him. I did NOT like our new place but I didn’t feel like we made a mistake either. On Saturday we moved everything over, in fact it took exactly 1 hour to load and unload the moving truck! We had great helpers =)

Tom immediately went to work on setting up the crib then our bed while I took care of getting the necessities put in their new place. It was later that evening when I had a change of heart.

IT WAS THE SHOWER. It’s awesome. It doesn’t look any different from any other shower but it FEELS like you are in a nice hotel shower. I’m funny, I know! I LOVE taking showers in new places AS LONG AS the shower is clean. The water is super hot, the water pressure is perfect and it’s way roomy- I just want to take 3 showers a day! Then that night Ben slept in his own room. He didn’t fuss at all. I think HE was wanting him own room just as much.

The apartment has windows on both ends not just on one wall so we get a great cross breeze PLUS we are on the second floor and high enough that it would be pretty hard to climb up the balcony so we leave the sliding down open all night and don’t worry a bit. We have LOTS of light, we are higher up on the hill so our cable leaf thingy we got for Christmas picks up 30 channels inside of 1 and all for free! We have a nice big living room enough to do Pilates if I ever feel like it…

It reminds me to be grateful. That even though the fridge is short and small WE HAVE A FRIDGE. And even though the place looks junky on the outside we HAVE a place in a nice part of town with nice carpet and so far nice neighbors. And though we’ve only moved less than 1/3 of a mile up the hill it means a new ward BUT it means new people and friends, etc.